His family stresses us out

[p_b82]

Glad that it all worked out well for you

[Miasmata]

Oof. You know how I said that things seemed to have worked out just fine? Nevermind that!

My SO told his mom about the plans for the move today, and she just about flipped at him. She's convinced that the US job market is fantastic (it's not), that he's just too afraid to look for jobs in the US (he's not) and that most of all, that I'm a terrible influence on him.

Yeah, just after they were all so impressed with me and how positive of an influence I have on my SO, my SO's mom is now convinced that I'm forcing him to move to Germany and that he's not doing this because he wants to, but because I told him to. She's basically making me out to be a control freak, and is heavily guilttripping my SO now "not to toss his potential away". She keeps pushing him to get a job with the military now to get deployed to Germany, assuming that he can just choose willynilly where the army would send him, and that he wants to work for the military in the first place.

My SO's parents have always had this nasty habit of treating him like a spineless child who can't make his own decisions, and it's all the more apparent now. The fact that they don't even think that this is his decision, but rather mine on his behalf, speaks volumes. I'm honestly quite appalled, because this totally came out of the left field for me. We're sadly all too used to him being patronized and talked over, but the fact that they suddenly see me as part of the problem is entirely new.

I take offense to what she said. I totally understand a parent being afraid when their son tells them they have plans for something this big, but just instantly assuming that I'm an abusive, controlling jerk is insulting.

I'm gonna wait about a week and then try to talk to her about this. I'm still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here and explain things to her. Maybe she just has a lot of questions and reacted as impulsively as my SO does sometimes. But I can't say I'm very thrilled about this. My SO and I are working our asses off to make sure that everything will work out and that the move and the job situation will be handled as well as possible, and his mom isn't even willing to ask about that. Goes to show how sincere she was about praising me so much in the past.

[whatruckus]

Oof. You know how I said that things seemed to have worked out just fine? Nevermind that!

My SO told his mom about the plans for the move today, and she just about flipped at him. She's convinced that the US job market is fantastic (it's not), that he's just too afraid to look for jobs in the US (he's not) and that most of all, that I'm a terrible influence on him.

Yeah, just after they were all so impressed with me and how positive of an influence I have on my SO, my SO's mom is now convinced that I'm forcing him to move to Germany and that he's not doing this because he wants to, but because I told him to. She's basically making me out to be a control freak, and is heavily guilttripping my SO now "not to toss his potential away". She keeps pushing him to get a job with the military now to get deployed to Germany, assuming that he can just choose willynilly where the army would send him, and that he wants to work for the military in the first place.

My SO's parents have always had this nasty habit of treating him like a spineless child who can't make his own decisions, and it's all the more apparent now. The fact that they don't even think that this is his decision, but rather mine on his behalf, speaks volumes. I'm honestly quite appalled, because this totally came out of the left field for me. We're sadly all too used to him being patronized and talked over, but the fact that they suddenly see me as part of the problem is entirely new.

I take offense to what she said. I totally understand a parent being afraid when their son tells them they have plans for something this big, but just instantly assuming that I'm an abusive, controlling jerk is insulting.

I'm gonna wait about a week and then try to talk to her about this. I'm still willing to give her the benefit of the doubt here and explain things to her. Maybe she just has a lot of questions and reacted as impulsively as my SO does sometimes. But I can't say I'm very thrilled about this. My SO and I are working our asses off to make sure that everything will work out and that the move and the job situation will be handled as well as possible, and his mom isn't even willing to ask about that. Goes to show how sincere she was about praising me so much in the past.

I'm sorry, but she seems very ignorant and naive and living in a bubble. The US job market is still crap. The only "easy" jobs to get are ones in retail, and even then, you're still competing with hundreds of other applicants. Even my parents know this. He's an adult and he should remember this. It's his life. His choices. They can be supportive or not, but it really comes down to what he wants and what makes him happy. He has to live his life, no one else.

[merlinkitty]

Ugh dude. I am sorry you're having to deal with this. I know you are a wonderful influence to him. You've got such a level headed presence that reminds me a lot of my SO. For that, you have my respect.

Both of you stay focused on your futures. I know this move is not something he takes on lightly. Sometimes the best move for someone in a situation like this is to get away from its stifling presence.

My own family is really religious as well. It took a lot of strength out of me to stay firm in my resolve not to go to church. It's just not for me. I don't live with them, so that makes asserting my independence a lot easier. My mom respects it, although I know it bothers her. But she also knows I can take care of myself because I've had a chance to prove that to them.

I can't tell you how much it bothers me when parents hold their children back through emotional manipulation. My ex's mother was like that and it made me so angry she would guilt trip her youngest daughter into staying home, not going to uni, and being involved in her school because it took her away from her. That girl is smart. That mother was a plague to that family under the guise of love. It was sinister. It's selfish.

I'm sure she fears "losing" her son so I get it from that perspective, but they need to let him go to live his life wherever that may take him. I just get so ticked to see parents do what they're doing to them. It just smacks of their own insecurities with themselves and their lives. I guess, instead of taking it personally, just remember they're exposing themselves to your SO and you. They're showing you their weak points. Respect them for having them, respect their fear, but remain unwaivered in your resolve to continue supporting your SO. I know you give him the courage and the faith in himself to move mountains. Or move to Germany lol

The point is, regardless of whatever insecurities they show, remember they're still the "in laws" and they'll always be around. It doesn't change the fact that your SO is trying to escape an environment that is trying to keep him at the level of a child. You're there to help him see he's a man. And a strong one at that.

[emsimes]

I'm so sorry to hear this
Honestly, I feel like many religious parents love to control and mold their children into what they want them to be. Merlinkitty is right, they're really just insecure and immature. If they keep acting like this, your SO will end up resenting them, if he doesn't already.

I know it's hard to stand up to one's parents. The first time I was going to Germany to visit my SO, my mom freaked out and forbade me to go, even though she'd already met my SO in person before. I had to be firm and tell her this was my life, so too bad if she didn't like it. Eventually, she accepted the reality and now loves my SO.

I'm sorry they're putting so much stress on you guys, but I know you'll stay strong and close the distance! It'll all be worth it in the end

[lucybelle]

I wouldn't quite say the U.S. job market is "crap". Sure depending on field and lication it might get difficult to land something. I do think it will be harder for him to find something in Germany but that's beside the point.

His family is scared. He has never lived far from home and now he's moving across the world to live in a foreign country with his girlfriend. If it's really important to both of you to have their blessing, work with them. Say you understand it's scary but that it'll be good for so many more reasons. Have a nice plan laid out. Hell try to find a temple near by they could go to if they visit you. The more planning you have, they better they will feel. (You could even play up the whole "free college" thing and say if he can't find a job, he'll get his masters!)

[Honour]

I HATE HATE HATE parents like this! Makes my blood boil. Religion before their child or loved ones...

If his mum doesn't like what he's doing, then it's tough! It's your SO's life, not hers, and if she's going to be a stick in the mud, so be it. Whilst it's a damned shame she can't see beyond her two-faced ways, there's only so much convincing you can do before you have to come to realise she may never change. At least you know what to expect in the future from her. Don't let it sway you too much from thinking and focusing on your SO moving out there to you

[p_b82]

Really sorry to hear this - My dad took the new of my possible emigration very badly, and it wasn't until a double organ removal due to cancer that he got his head round it a bit - so as others have said, be careful not to fall out too much with them over this.

However........

I am probably not the only one thinking this, but it is time your SO stood up to his parents. People that walked over, and don't get treated with the respect they feel they deserve, typically allow those people to bully them - he probably does not even realise he is doing it.

I don't mean stand there give an ultimatum and storm off, but he has to get them to respect that he is an adult, he has thought this through, and she is just wrong with almost every conclusion she has made. If she fails to understand that he has to live his own life, and not have her live it for him, they are never going to have a good relationship. It might be well worth getting him to point out that if she gets in his way, they may end up falling out, and is that something she wants?

It is a tough conversation to have I know, I had to go through it myself and my parents are not controlling typically!

Good luck to you both though, sounds a rocky road ahead for a few miles!

[Miasmata]

Thank you so much for the insights and kind words, y'all! It means a lot to me. Everyone had good things to say. To add to a few points

I wouldn't quite say the U.S. job market is "crap". Sure depending on field and lication it might get difficult to land something. I do think it will be harder for him to find something in Germany but that's beside the point.
His family is scared. He has never lived far from home and now he's moving across the world to live in a foreign country with his girlfriend. If it's really important to both of you to have their blessing, work with them. Say you understand it's scary but that it'll be good for so many more reasons. Have a nice plan laid out. Hell try to find a temple near by they could go to if they visit you. The more planning you have, they better they will feel. (You could even play up the whole "free college" thing and say if he can't find a job, he'll get his masters!)

It's crap in the sense that the US are actually experiencing an oversaturation in STEM field graduates (see here and here), while the EU (and Germany in particular) are so desperate to attract more STEM field graduates that they created a whole new visa for them. My SO's professors are backing that up - Even the professor helming my SO's thesis project outright said that he'd have an easier time finding a job in Germany than the US. A lot of the offers for engineers around these parts don't even ask for German speakers, so they are eager to attract more folks from abroad. I'm even in touch with a professor from the technical university in Hamburg. Long story short, I wouldn't be so serious about this move if I didn't know that my SO would land a job very easily.

The thing is - My SO told his mom all this, and I discussed most of these things when I was visiting, too. I really thought it would be clear that I'm a very organized, serious planner and that my SO's family would see that we're being smart about this. But evidently, they either didn't or couldn't take my SO seriously. As said, they have a history of being dismissive and belittling towards him. I wouldn't be surprised if this was the first time his mom actually realized that this is going to happen fo real.

I'll definitely bring all of this up with my SO's mom again, and underline that we're being safe and smart about it all. He's finishing his master's degree this April, and his prospects for getting a job here couldn't be better. I'll do my very best to be patient and understanding with her and tell her about all the perks of living here, that's for sure. As said, I want to give her that chance, because I do understand where she's coming from. I just really don't appreciate how she's acting about it.

I am probably not the only one thinking this, but it is time your SO stood up to his parents. People that walked over, and don't get treated with the respect they feel they deserve, typically allow those people to bully them - he probably does not even realise he is doing it.

I don't mean stand there give an ultimatum and storm off, but he has to get them to respect that he is an adult, he has thought this through, and she is just wrong with almost every conclusion she has made. If she fails to understand that he has to live his own life, and not have her live it for him, they are never going to have a good relationship. It might be well worth getting him to point out that if she gets in his way, they may end up falling out, and is that something she wants?

My SO has been making progress with standing up for himself. His parents were pestering him before about the job situation and all, but he managed to speak up about not liking it and showed them that he was making good progress already. He still has a lot of progress to make, but I honestly thought his parents would see that he's gaining confidence and growing more independent. Seems like that's precisely what's causing the friction, since his mom was blaming me for his behaviour and his decisions. That's the part I seriously dislike the most - Not only did my SO's mom make me out to be some controlling jerk, but she also did a total 180° on her approval on my attitude towards her son. When I visited, they were all so happy that I encourage and challenge my SO, and they told me to get him to do more exercise, healthier eating, yaddayadda. Hell, his mom even wrote an email to my mom to tell her how much I charmed them all. But now, as soon as my SO uses that confidence his family wants him to have to do something they don't approve of, it all goes downhill.

I really do think his family is scared and insecure and has no healthy way of dealing with it. They're all very obsessed with status, to the point of living beyond their means and going into big debt because of it. Especially my SO's dad was really desperate to seem strong and confident and suave when I was visiting, even to an outright sad degree. I'm not surprised my SO struggles so much with anger issues - Part of the issue definitely is how nobody in his family has a healthy way of discussing feelings. His family is really uptight and passiveagressive about criticism and emotions, and dismisses things a lot.


Again, thank you all so much for the posts - The support means so much to me! Talking with my own mom about this also helped. I'm definitely going to approach this matter carefully. I'll give it about a week to 10 days, then I'll ask his mom for a talk. I'm definitely still giving her the benefit of the doubt. She seems scared and insecure to me and is expressing that in the least helpful ways possible - Lashing out just like her son does sometimes. I'm patient with him and I'll be patient with her, but as with him, I'll also make my limits clear. If she's willing to understand, I'll gladly offer to explain. But if she's going to continue seeing me as a threat, well, that's that. This move is happening, with or without her approval. I'd hate to escalate the situation, but I'm also not going to let anyone treat me like I'm some kind of abuser - And my SO doesn't need anyone who treats him like a spineless child.

Wish me luck, everyone! I'll report back once I got updates.

[Dziubka]

I wish I had the time to come up with a longer answer, because I have so much to say about this.

But for now I agree with lucybelle.

.

His family is scared. He has never lived far from home and now he's moving across the world to live in a foreign country with his girlfriend. If it's really important to both of you to have their blessing, work with them. Say you understand it's scary but that it'll be good for so many more reasons. Have a nice plan laid out. Hell try to find a temple near by they could go to if they visit you. The more planning you have, they better they will feel. (You could even play up the whole "free college" thing and say if he can't find a job, he'll get his masters!)

I know it's difficult, but try to not take it too personally. Yes, your SO's parents are being unfair. But it's also understandable that they're scared and worried. Have they been to Germany before? What do they know about life in Germany? A far as they're concerned their son is moving across the world to live in a country and culture they don't know with someone they don't know very well.

My SO's mum also got a bit weird when it became clear that he was going to move out and in with me for good. (And don't get me started on the drama my ex's parents caused). I really like lucybelle's idea with the temple. It may seem a bit silly, because (I think?) your SO isn't actually going to go there, but to show them that he's not moving to some totally strange, hostile place.

[Miasmata]

I know it's difficult, but try to not take it too personally. Yes, your SO's parents are being unfair. But it's also understandable that they're scared and worried. Have they been to Germany before? What do they know about life in Germany? A far as they're concerned their son is moving across the world to live in a country and culture they don't know with someone they don't know very well.

My SO's mum also got a bit weird when it became clear that he was going to move out and in with me for good. (And don't get me started on the drama my ex's parents caused). I really like lucybelle's idea with the temple. It may seem a bit silly, because (I think?) your SO isn't actually going to go there, but to show them that he's not moving to some totally strange, hostile place.

The funny thing is, my SO's mom is a travel agent and travels a ton, both for her job and for her own pleasure. She's been to Hamburg. The father's side of the family even is from Germany (his mom told me about Chemnitz for what felt like hours, and I was shown a ton of photos and stories about the German side of the family). Originally, they all acted so stoked about my SO being with a German and going to Germany. I can absolutely imagine that that wasn't entirely honest, though. My SO really has never lived outside of Salt Lake City, and I can see how his parents are terrified that he's going to be away from them, out of their influence and all. They'll miss him, and it's not unlikely that instead of discussing their feelings with their son, they'd rather blame me for being a supposedly horrible influence.

[p_b82]

Think you hit the nail on the head there - typical misdirection of feelings.

not that it makes it any easier to work through, but hopefully in time they will get their heads round it, esp if you both put up a united front, and don't back down.... they will be faced with the choice of falling out because they are stubborn, or continuing with their relationship and learning to let go and stop being so controlling.

[Miasmata]

Got an update - SO took the chance yesterday when he had lunch with his mom and talked things out.

It went pretty well! My SO was really worried he would let his anger get the best of him, since he was furious after the previous talk, but he managed to adress the matter calmly and honestly, and that really did the trick. His mom waffled a bit, but she came around and admitted that she felt bad about how she left things, and she said herself that her words were a product of fear. I'm relieved that my faith in her wasn't misplaced. Like I said, I get it - This is the first time her son moves out of this city, and then it's already that far. I don't think this matter is fully resolved yet, either, because such big fears and feelings don't just go away. But I'm really glad my SO opened the dialogue, and I'm thankful for his mom's honesty and selfreflection. She'll need more prodding and understanding from my SO to keep communicating her feelings and stop bottling them up so damn much, but the first step is made.

My SO's family really is a stubborn bunch who rather bottle up feelings than discussing them. Hell, his dad was the one who said he'd rather buy a new car to treat his worries than see a therapist. Something or someone was going to have to shake that up sooner or later, and it seems like that something is my SO's move. His mom finally admitted to her weakness and said that she will be sad about him leaving, but that she wants him to do what makes him happy. Those are totally human feelings, and something we can talk about and deal with - All those emotional guards they keep putting up, not so much.

I'm gonna leave this in the hands of my SO, since this ordeal isn't about me, and I don't want to take away how this is allowing him to stand up to his parents and improve his relationship with them. I do think I'll talk with them before he moves, ideally when he's done with his thesis and going all in with the move preparations. Helping the family with their worries and getting them on my SO's side to help a bit with things will go a long way. But really, I'm just proud as can be that everyone is finally starting to talk to each other properly. I think they'll all grow from this ordeal, and that is really the best outcome I could hope for.

I'll keep you guys updated, but for now, I'm just really happy there's progress.

[Honour]

Thanks for the update! I'm glad things went better than expected. Maybe his mum isn't so much of a stick-in-the-mud as you might think haha.

[p_b82]

Great news that - hope the positive trend continues