what to think

[Hkh8871]

So I've been with my boyfriend for ~ 1 1/2 years now. We are long distance for 6 months out of the year but he always comes to visit me in-between our time apart so we never go more than 8 weeks maximum without seeing each other. We have a pretty good relationship. I like to think we respect each other and don't cheat (although I am VERY paranoid and always suspect something is up- but i don't bring it up to him because i'd be a crazy person). He always brings me around to his friends and his family and it is very well known we are together. When we are together in person he is affectionate and holds my hand and kisses me and generally just watches out for me. I've been cheating on in every relationship I've ever been in, so it does make me very, very, VERY suspicious and sometimes i check his phone (SO AWFUL I KNOW but i literally can't help it- i do not want to be made a fool of again). i saw a conversation with him and his "best" girl friend who he has known for years (since middle school) and in high school they used to hook up on occasion. Well he tells her that i'm whatever and that our relationship is whatever and what not (one conversation) and it is really just bugging me. I don't know if he's just downplaying caring because he is scared shitless of showing anyone he cares (he had a horrible break up and was super super heartbroken for 2 years). This goes hand in hand with a conversation we had where he said that he loves me and that he picked the right person for himself with me but that he wouldn't care if we ended because he refuses to put himself in that situation again and that he's guarded. This brought up HUGE red flags for me because I care a decent amount (not as much as with previous relationships because i'm also quite guarded). I just don't know whether this is him just trying to protect himself and being "cool" or if he is serious that I'm whatever to him.

[silvermoonfairy3]

It's a bit red-flag-like, yes, but you should NOT under any circumstances be snooping through his phone. I don't care if you "just can't help it." It's a huge invasion of his privacy, and points out exactly how much you don't trust him.

I've been cheated on, I know how paranoid it can make you, but you have to work on getting past that. Snooping through his phone DOES NOT help get past it.

Does he know you've been cheated on? You mentioned not wanting to bring up suspicions, but it's something you need to let him in on. He needs to know what your past is like, and understand how he can help put you at ease.

In addition to that discussion, it sounds like you should have another conversation about him saying he "wouldn't care if you ended" to get some clarification. In all likelihood, if he says he loves you and actually acts like he loves you and treats you well, he's probably just self-protecting. But clarification would be good. You need to let him know that it hurts that he sees your relationship as no big deal if it ends, and that it makes you feel insecure about the two of you.

But do NOT spy on him further. Seriously, it's not good for either of you.

[merlinkitty]

I just don't know whether this is him just trying to protect himself and being "cool" or if he is serious that I'm whatever to him.

This is why you don't read other people's phones. I've done this myself. Seen things I wish I'd hadn't and it killed me.

There are two things going on here.
1. How you've been treated in the past and
2. How you're letting that affect your future relationships.
Being cheated on is a horrible experience I wouldn't want seen done to anyone, but that doesn't mean that you should take this baggage with you forward into every new relationship that you have. What this ends up doing is creating a situation where your distrust of someone begins to infiltrate how you perceive that person. You begin to treat them differently, they begin to feel the change, and it really will mess things up between you two.

I've just had to get to a point where I have to decide to either trust him or not. There's no middle ground here. If I decide I don't trust him, then I move on. If I decide that I do trust him, I give him the respect that accords and trust what it is that he tells me. I will never go poking around in his phone for "proof" one way or another ever again. You say you "think" you respect each other, but snooping his phone is not respectful at all.

You've said that you both seem to be doing well otherwise. Why not give him a chance? You're sabotaging this relationship by dragging in past hurts that he had nothing to do with. You literally can help your behavior. If you can't get your head and your actions under control, who else is going to?

I know what I'm saying sounds super harsh, but it's just because I've been there. I know how this felt. I saw pictures of body parts in this guy's phone and I knew who some of them belonged to. It was awful. But I also know that if I continued to take the mistrust that I had for one person, and projected that onto every other person I dated, I would be miserable and you don't need to do that to yourself. Right now, with no evidence that he's doing anything he shouldn't, you are the one making yourself unhappy.

It sounds like you both are fairly guarded in your emotions, that's understandable. Good relationships can be really scary sometimes. But talk to him about this. And make a decision. You either trust what he says or you don't.

[Hkh8871]

i know i shouldn't snoop and i will stop about that. i just don't understand why a guy who claims to love someone and treats that person quite well and is affectionate goes behind that person's back and speaks to another girl (who is a longtime friend obviously) about how i don't really matter so much

[merlinkitty]

...speaks to another girl (who is a longtime friend obviously) about how i don't really matter so much

The only thing I know to do at this point, now that you know this, is to find a way to talk to him about it, and to decide if you trust him or not. You'll have to made a decision though, if you decide he's telling the truth, no more snooping lol If you really don't believe what he tells you, I don't want to see you putting yourself in a place where you're being made an ass of, either we're always here to talk things through though

[Hollandia]

Your 24 but your description of your relationship sounds like that of more of a teenager. You have to have trust and faith in him if you want it to work. This is true of CD and LDR. Anyone could cheat on anyone a few feet away if they want. Trust in the two of you and work from there. If you are meant to be, you two will find a way and looking at his phone because someone cheated on you before is just BS. I had Ex's cheat on me before too, but in order to have real faith with my SO, I had to just trust him and I expected him to do the same, even though I know he was cheated on before.

[whatruckus]

First off: stop snooping. He is going to find out sooner or later that you had been doing that, and he's going to feel betrayed. I used to do this with my ex after he cheated on me once. I kept finding stuff after, yet I still stuck with him for 5 years, even after he cheated on me a few more times. Stop it. It's only going to hurt you in the end.

Second of all, I don't know how you're going to be able to talk to him about this without letting on that you've been snooping his phone and reading his conversations with his friend.

I understand how you feel, because one of my SO's best friends is a girl and they supposedly were going to date at one point, years ago, but it still bothers me. However, since I've been with my SO, I have not snooped. Not once. Even when I know some of his passwords because he has me check things for him. I don't do it. I don't even look through his phone, and even if he asks me to check his phone for him, or I need to update software on his phone (he's a little tech illiterate), I always ask him to make sure it's okay first. Even then, I don't have the urge to check. You need to trust him, even if it means he was being a jerk in the end. If you keep up this behavior you're only going to destroy your self-esteem and any future relationship you'll have. If you keep assuming that he's going to cheat on you, one day, he might actually do it because he'll figure, "Hell, she already thinks I cheat, why not just do it?"

The only way I could think of you being able to bring this issue up to him is if you ask him what he means when he says he wouldn't mind if things ended between you two. I would then bring up the status of your relationship and what exactly you mean to him. If this is something really serious to him, or if it's just a fling. Let him know how you feel about your relationship, where you see this going, if you are really serious about him...etc.

And, I don't believe you when you say that you "can't help it," because well...you can. I could've not spied on my ex many times, but I did it anyway. I was obsessed with finding things when I was with him, because I didn't realize it at the time, but I already lost all of my love for him and just basically hated him for making me feel like shit all the time. But, I let him do it because I stayed with him. If you keep looking for things, you're going to find them. Whether there really is something there, or you're just making something out of nothing.

[Hkh8871]

you guys are right. i am going to make the conscious effort to trust him because he hasn't given me a reason not to. i guess i just am curious as to why a guy in a long term relationship that claims to love the person and that also treats the person affectionately tells another girl who is a friend that his girlfriend is "whatever" and talks about other girls he is attracted to and the girl saying that since we are still together she has to "be nice then" ...it's just hurtful

[whatruckus]

you guys are right. i am going to make the conscious effort to trust him because he hasn't given me a reason not to. i guess i just am curious as to why a guy in a long term relationship that claims to love the person and that also treats the person affectionately tells another girl who is a friend that his girlfriend is "whatever" and talks about other girls he is attracted to and the girl saying that since we are still together she has to "be nice then" ...it's just hurtful

This is why you need to talk to him.

I'm going to be honest, but I don't want to freak you out at the same time: My ex did this. All of this. When we were together he constantly messaged other girls, even though he was sitting there telling me and all his friends and family that he loved me and he wanted to marry me.

This isn't something that you should sit back and wait on. Talk to him ASAP about how he really feels about you.

But, don't take what I said as an excuse to keep snooping.

Given the information, he does sound shady, but don't snoop anymore.

All I'm going to say is, if he is cheating, the truth always comes out. You don't need to go looking for it. Plus, in the end, if it does turn out he was being a jerk, it makes you look better to everyone in that you put all your trust in him and he was the jerk that abused it.

[differentcountries]

He did not go behind your back. He spoke to a friend about his life, and you were the one snooping into that. As a general rule, you don't really have a say when you found out like this. You don't know how they talk together (unless you snoop very, very regularily). End of story. Relate to how he treats you in real life.

[Moon]

While I do not advocate snooping, in fact I hate it, I'd be extremely hurt if I read that. It's not that I wouldn't trust him, but I sure wouldn't feel the same after reading it. Sometimes when you snoop, you find things you don't want to, then you have to live with the consequences.

I WOULD NOT BE OK with what he wrote, and even though you were doing something you shouldn't have been, if it were me, I'd fess up and confront him about making you seem so insignificant to his friends. It just isn't right, and regardless of past hurts (everybody has 'em, it's no excuse), after a year and a half, you should mean more to him. Good luck.

[Fretboard_Magic]

He did not go behind your back. He spoke to a friend about his life, and you were the one snooping into that. As a general rule, you don't really have a say when you found out like this. You don't know how they talk together (unless you snoop very, very regularily). End of story. Relate to how he treats you in real life.

This.

Well, OP, I'm not going to repeat everyone here in regards to the snooping, because I think the point has already been made. I don't think you need another person being firm with you on that particular subject because, quite frankly, I WILL be if I open my mouth about invasion of privacy.

Instead, I will say this as a guy who has a female best friend. Female best friends are best friends, just like male best friends are best friends. I don't know what exactly had to lead to his saying what he said to his best friend about you, but maybe there's more to the story? For example, I have a VERY good relationship with my girlfriend. The best one by far. But it's also not perfect. We had our first serious fight a few months ago because of various reasons. What did I do when that happened? I sent an email to my female best friend right away and just unloaded. It was a have-to thing, or else the stress would have caused more problems. Friends listen to one another, and as the quote says, "that what friends are for".

So, I for one don't find your boyfriend's talking to his best friend about you to be all that strange at all, and especially considering how he still seems to be pretty guarded in terms of how he approach his relationship. From what I've been able to gather based solely on what you've posted so far, it sounds like his best friend is someone he trusts even more than he trusts his girlfriend. And why not, right? Obviously he and this person have already built a solid connection before you even entered his life. My own female best friend and I have known each other for 18 years, while I've only known my girlfriend for a year and a few months. The only reason why I now trust my girlfriend just as much as I trust my female bestie is because my girl and I experienced something last year that really changed everything. And that's why I find this relationship to be amazing, because it feels like we are each other's missing piece of the puzzle, like, the perfect fit type thing. But that doesn't mean I trust my female bestie any less now, either. I still trust her with pretty much everything. And if/when my girlfriend and I have a big problem, she's the first to know because, after all, she's my best friend.

Another thing to add, a good friend of mine recently told me in regards to the general subject of communication via the internet, that the human communication is 90% tone and body language, and thus it is VERY easy for misinterpretation to occur in the internet communication. And this is essentially why we, as people who are in long distance relationships, and especially those of us who use the internet as the main means of communication, must learn to communicate well, via paying a lot of attention to the wording, having the patience to construct sentences that explain what needs to be explained in a clear manner, that sort of thing.

So my take is generally the same as everyone else's, I think you two need to work on your communication skills first and foremost. You've got your guard up high, and he's got his guard up high. You both have to lower the guard little by little, and that can take a long time. But it's a necessary step and is one that separates affection shared on the surface and a deeper understanding, appreciation, and bond shared on the core level.

All the best.

[Zapookie]

After a year and a half, you two shouldn't be doubting your relationship so much. I can understand maybe if this was <6months in, but you've already been together for some time. Have you both talked about what you want from the future? Have you talked about your fears?

[merlinkitty]

I like how Fretboard_Magic responded to this with the guy's perspective. I've never had a problem with the current guy's female friends. I'd commented on another thread about this, but I think his having them have really helped us in the long run. He also makes a great and valid point about communication. Absolutely fundamental to an LDR. Without it, they're dead in the water whether you see each other regularly or not. Don't want to beat a dead horse, but I think he offers a perspective you don't get to see as often and that's the guy's

[Hkh8871]

i'm not trying to talk to him about it. I'm just trying to figure out why he would say something like that to someone. i won't bring it up to him because i got the information unfairly but its just confusing for me and I'm trying to understand why a guy would say these things