Kind of in a weird position but needing advice...

[Northernsongs]

Hey guys!
This may very well be the COMPLETELY wrong forum to post this in but I need some advice... I'll try not to make this long and it's going to sound at the least, a little crazy, so please bear with me! I can only get so much advice from friends, and quite frankly, they think the whole thing is stupid and "not real" because we talked online for so via Skype, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, etc. etc. Anyway, first time poster!

So, I met my LDR back in late-January. We talked three days later via-Skype. She's 22 in Tennessee and I'm 28 in Maryland. By the third time we Skyped, we had begun really falling for each other. It's at that point she put a stop to it, cos she'd broken up with her bf of a year in Florida (where she'd moved from) and that was awful, especially after realising she didn't like him and that he was really immature and that it was all based on lust and.. it just wasn't a strong relationship according to her. But that was hard and she didn't want to do the long distance thing. She pushed me away, but I knew I had to talk to this girl. I sent her pictures of a walk I took the day she started pushing me away, because it was beautiful out and I really wanted her to be there to see it. She stopped pushing me away after that.

We became exclusive after a month and just kept getting closer and closer and falling harder and harder. We both felt that this was a far more mature relationship than either of us had, had previously, and that it was a very strong one. She kept saying I should just move to Tennessee with her and she really wanted me there. I wanted to be there too but I was playing it cautiously. Besides, I didn't want to tell her I'd probably move as soon as I could to be with her. I told her it would be a year-or-two before I would move and that would she meet twice before making it official. I was going to make it official on my first trip. These were very important things to her... She wanted to finish school in the next two or three years and be close to her dad, as her mom goes away a lot and she doesn't want him to be lonely. I wanted to tell her so badly while I was in Tennessee that I would move in 3-4 months, close the distance and get a job and an apartment near her if she'd have me... you'll see why I didn't in a minute...

Fast forward to last month... (June..) She had gotten done with school for the semester and had just moved house with a friend of hers. It was time to meet! We both got tickets to Bonnaroo and decided we should go.. we also realised that Bonnaroo was no place to meet... and that we should meet before then.. We knew she was going to have to work the three days before Bonnaroo and I couldn't afford more plane tickets.. or a hotel for that long... We both agreed it'd be a long time, but I should come stay with her for two weeks.

It went horribly. She was very shy at first, which she said she would be and I was very touchy and in her face because she was afraid of me rejecting her in person, so I guess I overcompensated. Anyway, We didn't get any alone time until the 4th day, and by then she told me she had a touching phobia and I didn't have to apologise, it just takes a bit for her to warm up to people (it wasn't bullshit, it was a real thing.) I did not know about this beforehand. By the 5th day we still hadn't gone on any of the dates we had both been excited to go on. She has barely talked to me. It's been extremely awkward. I push her to talk to me and she tells me that since the airport she had begun feeling like she didn't want to do the long distance, and it feels like the last time her ex stayed with her, she was feeling a lot of stress and a lot of pressure and she wasn't feeling the emotional or physical attraction she thought she would. She said I was supposed to show up and everything was supposed to be perfect and I was supposed to sweep her of her feet and she was supposed to feel this certain way... She wanted to make a decision right there and then about what was next instead of seeing it through like she'd said she would. She also started talking about how she wanted to go into therapy because she didn't know what was going on and she felt crazy.

This argument went on for two days. We went on our 1st date on the sixth day and it was the first time she'd stopped pushing me away. It was fine. We laughed like we usually do. We talked like we usually do. It was as if the past five days hadn't happened. It was certainly the most she'd talked to me. She agreed it went well and we should try again before Bonnaroo. It didn't really happen and she started becoming mean towards me and wouldn't even tell me about her day at work. She was nice to me 1/4 of the time at Bonnaroo and one night she opened up again for a half-hour and everything was back to normal... by the end of the trip, she left me at her house all day while she went to go see her dad for father's day.. I tried to talk to her the night before and tell her she'd been horrible to me but like we'd promised each other, I wasn't judging her on this trip because we both knew things might not go well due to stress, pressure, expectations, and that it didn't necessarily mean anything. I saw her with other people and she's the girl I fell for... but she wasn't being that way with me... She didn't want to talk. I tried to get her to one more time before I left on the day I was leaving. She didn't want to talk but again I was freaking out and wanted her to talk face-to-face... She told me she didn't want to be with me, that she thought I was attractive but wasn't attracted, she said she never warmed up to me (although, that is EXTREMELY hard to do when you don't talk to a person...) and she realised now that she met me when she was lonely and vulnerable, that she feels nothing for me, and she's not over her ex (who she broke up with in October) because he was all she'd thought about since I had arrived. It was all very blind-siding... even her roommate couldn't believe the thing about her ex... and I've been lonely and vulnerable before.. and I've been WITH lonely and vulnerable... there is little to no way, for the five months we were talking that she was in-fact lonely and vulnerable.

She has now proceeded to block me everywhere. I asked her not to and to just give it time, but she said she didn't even want to talk.

I know this sounds crazy, but in 14 years of dating, I know that this is a special relationship and no one has been able to comfort me like she has when i was upset, and she's said the same about me. We have a lot in common, and we have a lot of differences. There's A LOT here to hold on to. I also now know, that going for two weeks and staying in her bed? WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE AND STRESS! Definitely too intense. And according to her roommate, she went from being excited about me being there to all of a sudden shutting down and not wanting to go through with it enroute to the airport. I was not on my best game. I looked horrible because she told me I shouldn't lose weight cos she likes chubby boys.. and just before i came down she said she wanted me to just be happy in my own skin and I should lose weight if I wanted to. I was fatter than I've ever been in my life and I've never attracted a woman looking like that. I couldn't even fit into half my clothes properly but I tried to make due.

I know if we had a second chance, and did it properly, things would probably be totally different. Hell, if I'd just been smart enough to get a hotel for a couple of days and only go down for a weekend before Bonnaroo it would have been different. Me being 800 miles away doesn't help. But I love this girl. I know this is worth saving. My friends all tell me to let it go, and I'm sure hers are reinforcing her decisions too without knowing she didn't even try having a conversation with me for 9/10 of my trip... but I know it's worth trying. Before she blocked me, I saw her posting some things about how unstable she is right now and about how much she misses her ex and is hurting over it... I really want to just... get back into the fold... and try to remind her of the good times in the hopes that maybe she'll talk to me again and we can try one more time... THE RIGHT WAY... Normally I'd say i should just give it time and space and she might come back.. but again I'm in Maryland.. and while I've had extremely similar situations wherein the girl did come back.. they were also in the same state. I'm just not totally sure how to do it... i have one idea that I think is cute and non-commital and non-pressuring... but I thought i'd ask if anyone has been through something like this before and if it worked out for them? Side-note: I never do this. I don't do the whole, go online and ask strangers for advice thing... so basically, this is very important to me. It's like even if she realises that our mistakes might very well be what put her off me... I'm in Maryland and therefore probably off the table... My mom said if she was the right person, all that wouldn't have mattered... but I also know, that THAT'S NOT how people work. I love this girl.... I love her and I never really got to even tell her because we were waiting til we were in person to say it... it was stupid. I felt it so strongly and I still do.

Sorry for the excruciatingly long post. My friends were kind of happy for me but no one went terribly out of their way to say this was a good thing from the start. In fact they thought it was stupid and "not real." I don't see how you can be so emotionally connected to someone and physically attracted to them.. and then you meet and just NOTHING from the start. It just feels like she freaked out and then there was NO LET UP of having me there for two weeks and she just became more and more irritated by that and the fact that she had no space to think.

I tried to keep it as short as possible. I could really use your guys advice though if you have any. Thank you!

[merlinkitty]

Honey, I really hate to say this to you, but I think you need to let her go. I do not doubt you both had a wonderful connection while it lasted, but right now she really sounds like she needs the space. There is something going on with her and she has made it glaringly obvious she's not receptive to your being part of it. You spent a lot of time writing this post and I'm sorry I don't have much more to say but let her go and move on.

We're all used to some form of weirdness from our family and friends over our relationships, but I don't know you and I have no emotional investment in you whatsoever, which means I can look at the facts you've presented us clearly and objectively. You guys had a really good few months, but I think it's done for now. If she decides to contact you at some point down the line it will be up to you if you decide to respond to her, but right now, I would just focus on doing what you need to do to move on with your life.

I'm sorry this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I think it's going to be the best thing for you in the long run.

All the best.

[Unconditional]

I agree with merlinkitty 100%
Just like the song from frozen, I think it's time to Let Her Go.

[Northernsongs]

Thank you. :-) I know I should... my only qualm is that for better or worse, THAT is the image she has now. That it just didn't work. That's not the case. I can only imagine what made her shut down and clearly she's going through something. She didn't even act like herself and probably still isn't, and i'm not just saying that because of what I'm going through with this. She's always been very mature and well thought-out... and now... not so much... It's like I kind of watched her snap while I was down there. I don't know... either way, she's there, I'm here... there are A LOT of dudes at her college.. and there has to be SOMETHING small I can do or say somehow that wouldn't be terribly intrusive to remind her, at least for the time being that there's still a good thing here and it's worth it to not throw it away.. or at least that it's worth thinking about it... isn't there? :-( It's been almost a month since I last saw her or talked to her.. a little under...

[squeeker]

Aww I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say. It does seem like she was under a lot of pressure and maybe it was to soon after her ex especially if that was a really serious relationship, maybe you have to take more time.. maybe it's not the right relationship. I can't say because I'm not in the position you are. Were there a lot of people around when you were together? Because maybe that could have been part of the problem. Although she should have made more of an effort. And if she is not making an effort to reconnect or provide reasoning, you probably should work on letting her go.. or resolving to stay friends right now at least, and not expect more from her. You probably should try and get a serious talk out of her. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best too, I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be.

[Northernsongs]

Thank you Squeeker! It's hard to say. Yeah there were a lot of people... My first day there her, her best gay friend, and her roommate picked me up, we went to breakfast. Then we went and napped. Then we got up and went with her roommate to check out the town. We were out for several hours, came back, her co-workers birthday party was that night, so she made cookies, and then we were there for several hours til 2 in the morning. Went to bed, got up early cos her parents swung by 8 am (she had wanted me to meet them and I wanted to too!) Went out with her, her parents and her roommate.. then she wanted me with her at work from 2-10.. then we hung out with her roommate and maybe someone else.. the next day we went to the movies with her roommate and hung out with him.. that was when she started admitting she was having a freak out and apologised for "luring me from maryland.." and then i convinced her we should go out to dinner and maybe have a date.. but that was interrupted by her friend who wanted to know if we wanted to go to this kid's house which we spent the next 6-8 hours at til 4 in the morning... this kept up til the next day when we could finally go out and be alone, have a date, see some stuff... but she wanted to sit and watch netflix.. which we did in virtual silence.. and her on her phone on reddit most of the time... We didn't go on a date alone until 6 days in and when we did... she opened up for the first time and it was absolutely fine.. and then she shut right back down.. I know I should give it more time.. I'm just kind of like... I don't know... I feel so stupid for the mistakes I made in deciding to stay for two weeks and not losing the weight I had wanted to and whatever else.. it's like, if I had just been a LITTLE smarter it would've probably been fine. I hate to think that my stupid decisions were at least 60% of what probably killed this for now, if not forever.

[snow]

You made no mistake in not losing weight. Losing weight is a personal decision and if you felt comfortable in your skin and she made you feel loved the way you were, then there was no mistake made! If she didn't like you with your weight, then this is actually quite shallow of her. Don't trick yourself into thinking that losing weight is going to get her back - these thoughts threw me into a hole of depression and anorexia for 4 years. If weight is more important than your personality, then she is not the right one.
When I met my man, I was considered "obese". He loved me and told me how beautiful I looked every single day of my visit, because he cared for my personality so much that those few extra pounds didn't matter. He fell in love with a woman that shared his hobbies, beliefs and understood him on a very intimate level, so as long as he liked my looks, he didn't care about the weight.

If you meet online, there is always the possibility that you might not click when you meet in person. It is a mix of subconscious and conscious decisions that make us either like or dislike a person. It sounds like she didn't feel the spark and tried to force herself to, but simply couldn't - and that is fine. Of course it is a pity, because you both put a lot of effort and time into a relationship, only to find out that you are not compatible in person.

My point is, relationships that start out online sometimes don't work out. In fact, I read that our sense of smell decides subconsciously if we like someone or not. (though I am not sure how reputable this website is: https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/h...smell-1977351; #19) So, who knows what happened, but it seems like she doesn't want to be with you now that she met you.

[Northernsongs]

It's a possibility. But she said so many other things, that it makes me suspect there was a lot more going on than an actual lack of attraction. She didn't try at all, is the problem. After our first date six days in, she left me with her roommate for two hours to go to a friend's and watch the season finale of Game of Thrones, and during that two hours, I think me and her roommate talked more to each other than me and her talked my ENTIRE TRIP... I mean, I couldn't even get her to really talk to me when she was clearly going through something in her head about the whole thing and decided to ignore me instead of talking and working it out. And as for the weight, it's not so much the weight. She swore up and down that it wasn't the weight.. and maybe it wasn't.. but the fact of the matter is, I was not confident in how I looked. I had the biggest pair of pants I own with me, and I could barely get them buttoned... I was not comfortable with myself at all. She only saw half-of-me and a half I'd rather her not have seen. That's part of my whole problem. My best foot wasn't forward, and now that I'm working at putting it forward, it's getting A LOT of exercise by kicking myself...

[merlinkitty]

I hate how you're tearing yourself down because of how she behaved. That's not right at all. She basically abandoned and/or ignored you for the majority of the time you were there. Who does that?? She was not good or fair to you while you were there. Game of Thrones can wait. It took me two weeks to watch the finale cause I wanted to savor that bad boy lol but anyway, in all seriousness, I don't like how much you're taking on yourself when everything you've said so clearly demonstrates how many issues the girl is dealing with. If she didn't like you as the man you were with her, then she has no business being with you. She'll just end up beating up on you if you stuck around. You deserve to be treated better than that.

And listen to Snow. She's got some really good points there.

[Fretboard_Magic]

As a guy who was once in this unofficial whatever-it-was('cause, really, I have no idea what the fuck that thing was about now that I think about it with a clear head) with a girl who was(is?) very unstable, I will tell you without ANY hesitation whatsoever, and particularly based on what you've described so far... Dude, you gotta let this one go. I agree with Merlinkitty on this one. I seriously doubt that, at this point, there's not a lot you can gain from this. And I use the term "gain" because a relationship is a two-way street. It isn't a one-way thing. Right now, I'm getting this impression that you are the one trying very very hard to hold onto this relationship, and that seems SOOOOO familiar because I've been there. And while I don't regret falling in love with the girl I had this unofficial fiasco with, the experience in the end was actually kinda hellish and I even was left with a bit of a physical condition that would occasionally remind me of the whole situation even to this day.

I understand this was an official thing for you guys, but still, I think it's just very unhealthy the way the whole thing has turned into. My concern is that, someday, if not today, or tomorrow, or a couple weeks from now, this may affect you very negatively in a psychological way resulting in you becoming unstable yourself. I say this because, right now, you seem like you're trying super hard when you essentially shouldn't have to. Good relationship is all about good communication. Easy communication. it might have been easy before, but something must have happened and now she's treating you pretty much like shit. Let her go, or else you will risk losing respect for yourself without you even knowing...or, you being perfectly aware of it. But either way I see it as a bomb that's waiting to go off right now, if not the explosive substance has already started leaking some. Value yourself more. Seriously.

And about the body weight thing... I'm a little on the chubby side right now(kind of a new thing for me still, ya know?), I guess I let a minor rejection from two summers ago get to me too much and I was no longer the guy I used to look at in the mirror by spring of last year. My girl, who I met after I gained weight, digs me for ME and that's cool, but I know this weight gain isn't something I should be comfortable with. Weight loss is a choice, but a damned good one if you can manage it(and if you don't go overboard with it, of course)! I'm not hugely obese(in the North American standards, I'm pretty sure I'm approaching a sumo wrestler body shape in the Japanese standards, lol) but I can totally notice the effects my weight gain has on my joints now, for instance. And my body actually looked rather fit(I know I know, I sound cocky there but being skinny most of your life and then proper gym work transforms you into a muscular dude, you naturally become pretty damned happy) up until fall of 2012, and I know fully well how I functioned physically back then. There's no excuse for accepting my current physique knowing I felt far better, lighter, and healthier, and of course, looked better, before I started getting chubby.

So, I say lose the extra poundage you have, but do it FOR YOURSELF. As a matter of fact, if YOU are not comfortable with your body weight and wish to lose some, and the next time some girl you're interested in says you "should" stay chubby 'cause maybe she "prefers chubby guys", DO NOT listen to her. You are trying to become healthier for YOU, and that is always a good thing. You just don't...errr...wanna look like Christian Bale in The Machinist, or anything extreme like that! But you know what I mean, lol. xD Be with someone who truly cares about your well-being. Make sure everything is a two-way thing. But I'm afraid it's time to let this current one go. Sorry...

All the best!

[squeeker]

I think it would be a lot better if you could arrange a trip where you and her actually got to talk and she wasn't busy with other things.. maybe try and make it an actual "vacation" where she doesn't have to work.. maybe if she can visit you instead then you can make time for her and she won't have her friends or routine to fall back on.

I also agree with the others.. you need to feel good about yourself but don't lose weight for her, lose weight for yourself to feel good.. Or in the mean time, buy some new clothes, no matter what size they are, buy some that you feel good in!! Confidence is the key thing. If she did have a problem with your weight, then that is really shallow..

Maybe she was nervous so she was using the work, Game of Thrones, and friends as a crutch to avoid talking to you instead of facing you and getting used to you. I flew to meet my boyfriend for the first time and so all I had there was him, and he isn't a big social guy and wasn't working or anything at the time so we had all the time to be together and get to know each other.. and that was the best thing.

I think talk to her and see what was going on and if she's willing to find a time to visit where you can have more time just you two, because it's a hard transition from online to face-to-face.. maybe she wasn't ready. Or maybe she wasn't feeling the attraction or something. Maybe she was nervous and overcompensating by avoiding you, which was not good or right because that just would make it harder and be more of an anxious thing. Maybe try and organize a few days just the two of you on vacation and bring some games or something to help break the ice and start talking face to face.

[snow]

She is not making any efforts, because she doesn't want to and you deserve better. Leaving you with a roommate so she can watch TV with a friend? That doesn't sound like she enjoys spending time with you. It is like she said, she expected everything to be perfect and you to sweep her off her feet but it didn't happen and now she is disenchanted. Doesn't mean you did something wrong, it just means you two are not compatible. Stop tearing yourself down. Your weight or appearance is not the problem. If you want to lose weight, lose weight, but don't do it for her, do it for you.

[Ejoriah]

At the end of the day, no matter how promising it was that she opened up to you during your date six days in, she's blocked you in every way she knows how. It's pretty clear what her choice is on the matter, and you've got to respect that. Sorry.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I usually agree with Squeeker, but in this instance, I'm more with Snow, Fretboard, Ejoriah, etc.. I don't think another trip, or even pursuing contact, is the way to go.

For one thing, whether she "means it" or not, she has told you she's not interested. She has backed this up by blocking you on things online. That's not girl-code for "chase me harder please!" it's a clear no, and a clear request to leave her alone. I know it sounds romantic to think up ways to show her you still care and you're still there for her, but it sounds romantic to you as the one who is still interested. To her, it will probably come across as annoying or clingy at best, and creepy or stalkery at worst.

It's also a little presumptuous for you to assume you can "know" that she's not feeling vulnerable and alone, and not over her ex. People feel vulnerable and alone at a variety of times, for a variety of reasons. You could be the first guy she's tried dating since the ex (and probably are) and meeting you could have just made her realize, no, she really does feel alone and had just been hiding it for the last several months, and that not, she's not actually interested in something with you.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, I really don't, because I know how difficult it is when you get invested in something, and are really serious about it, but for whatever reason, or for no reason at all, this isn't what she needs or wants. Respect her words, respect the fact that she's blocked you on things, and bow out gracefully. If she contacts you down the road, you can see where you are in your life/feeling toward her and decide how to respond at that point, but try to focus on other things that make you happy, and try not to dwell on this.

Good luck.