Reassurance is needed

[shellbell92]

I met my current boyfriend via Omegle, which I think is pretty atypical for a LDR, but somehow it's been working for almost 6 months now. However, recently I've been feeling like him and I don't have as much in common as I thought. Not only that, but I also feel like I am putting so much more into this relationship. I've gone to visit him twice already, and I'll even be going again this Friday. He has only come to where I am once. Money is absolutely an issue, but he has too much pride for me to buy him a ticket or loan him the money.

Furthermore, he is constantly playing video games, which I am beginning to feel is more important to him than I am. He'll deny that, but when I'm trying to talk to him on the phone, his mind is always preoccupied with something else because he is playing a game. It becomes extremely frustrating, but I know that is just a part of his life.

In addition to that, A few months ago, he admitted to getting tremendously wasted and making out with another girl. He says he doesn't remember much of what happened and that he was very sorry. I eventually forgave him, but my trust of him went right out the window.

I don't want to keep rambling on, so my ending point will be that I find my self constantly doubting this relationship and asking myself if this is even going to work out. Then, I find myself saying that I've put way too much time and money into it, and that I'm going to look like a complete idiot to my friends and family if things don't work out and I decide to end it. I think I need some type of reassurance that hopefully things will work out, or that maybe I'm overthinking things. All of this is exceedingly distressing on my emotions, and my heart.

[BlueCat]

I don't want to keep rambling on, so my ending point will be that I find my self constantly doubting this relationship and asking myself if this is even going to work out. Then, I find myself saying that I've put way too much time and money into it, and that I'm going to look like a complete idiot to my friends and family if things don't work out and I decide to end it. I think I need some type of reassurance that hopefully things will work out, or that maybe I'm overthinking things. All of this is exceedingly distressing on my emotions, and my heart.

I'm not sure what else to say, but this in particular stood out to me. You should never worry about what your friends and family think of you in regards to whether you stay in or end a relationship (unless of course it's abusive and they're worried about your health/safety). Worrying that they'll think you're an idiot is no reason to stay in a relationship. It sounds like you are in doubt of it a bit, and I suppose you just need to work out whether it's what you want or not and perhaps even breach the topic with him and ask where he thinks you guys stand or how he sees the relationship developing. If you're unsure about it though, don't stay it in just because of what your friends/family might think of you if you don't. They should be supportive of you, no matter your choice.

Time and money is another thing. My best friend spent at least five years in her relationship, lived with him, got engaged, payed deposit for wedding, payed for dresses and other huge expenses, and then called the whole thing off. She made the right choice, she was unsure if it was going to work. A lot of people I think feel compelled to stay in relationships they aren't happy with because of either how much they've invested or how long they've been together and it would be a "waste." I think it's a terrible reason to stay with someone.

[Hollandia]

The only reason to be with someone is because you love them and want to be with them. Is your end goal to close the distance? If it is, would you be happy being with this person? I flew to my SO all them time for the first year. I loved him enough to do it. He had school and work responsibilities and money was an issue. It did not make me love him any less. If the tables were turned would you be expecting him to do the same for you? Or does it have more to do than about the money? I would call it a loan and tell him it is no different than from you paying to see him and perhaps even try to meet in the middle sometimes. Outside of the money is there a bigger issue?

If he is an avid gamer, does he do it to the point that you cannot stand it? Can you make compromises about how much he will game when you are there? Do you have fun doing other things together when he is not gaming and you are with him? Every relationship does not turn into "till death to you part", so perhaps you wish to love him more as a friend? I think right around that 6 month mark is when you start to realize whether this is going to be someone really serious or coming closer to it's conclusion. Do which makes you happier, life with him, or life without him.

[GuineaPunk]

I just wanted to add a little to what BlueCat said. Your friends and family would be able to tell if you were unhappy in your relationship, whether you want them to know or not. And they would all be much happier for you to back out of a relationship which doesn't make you tick than keep investing emotions in one that doesn't make you happy. No-one should be thinking of you as an idiot in making a sensible decision for your own happiness (whichever direction that may be in), and if they do, more fool them!

I would say that you shouldn't care about what your friends and family think of your relationship, but that is easier said than done, and I actually think that how the people permanently in your life view your relationship can often be a good indicator of how healthy it is for you. But you certainly shouldn't be worried about backing out for looking a fool, because they would much rather see you happy.

[Hollandia]

I just wanted to add a little to what BlueCat said. Your friends and family would be able to tell if you were unhappy in your relationship, whether you want them to know or not. And they would all be much happier for you to back out of a relationship which doesn't make you tick than keep investing emotions in one that doesn't make you happy. No-one should be thinking of you as an idiot in making a sensible decision for your own happiness (whichever direction that may be in), and if they do, more fool them!

I would say that you shouldn't care about what your friends and family think of your relationship, but that is easier said than done, and I actually think that how the people permanently in your life view your relationship can often be a good indicator of how healthy it is for you. But you certainly shouldn't be worried about backing out for looking a fool, because they would much rather see you happy.

I disagree. My mom, my daughter, my brothers, my friends all thought I was nuts. I stood my ground and by the end of the first year most got on board. This is the man I will grow old with, and no matter what other's had thought I was not going to let them stop us. It really all comes down to the love. If you love someone enough, you won't care after a certain point what your friends and family say and eventually if you stand firm many will come around.

fMost of mine are all asking to be invited to the wedding now.

[GuineaPunk]

I disagree. My mom, my daughter, my brothers, my friends all thought I was nuts. I stood my ground and by the end of the first year most got on board. This is the man I will grow old with, and no matter what other's had thought I was not going to let them stop us. It really all comes down to the love. If you love someone enough, you won't care after a certain point what your friends and family say and eventually if you stand firm many will come around.

fMost of mine are all asking to be invited to the wedding now.

I obviously didn't explain myself very well. I'm just saying that sometimes those around us have very legitimate concerns because they can see something that we are blinkered too, a not seeing the wood for the trees thing. That's not to say that these views should be a basis for making decisions, they are just flags waving that we can choose to notice or not. I'm very much in the camp 'everyone thinks I'm cuckoo', the assumptions and the predictions surrounding my relationship range from the sublime to the ridiculous! I don't pay attention to them 1. because I love my boyfriend 2. because I am happy enough in my relationship to have the strength to ignore it. But it is always a comfort to know that those around me won't think badly of me backing out, if the relationship were to stop working for me. Just wanted shellbell to know that I'm sure they won't judge her either way as long as she makes the right decision for herself

[rhabdoviridae]

What sticks out the most to me is that you only mention pride and already invested resources as a reason for hanging on to the relationship. I don't really see (literally or between the lines) that you care a lot for this guy and want to make it work because of that.

With money being an issue...it's not really fair to be so hard on him about visiting. You've only visited him once more than he has you, so I don't see that this is some huge trend. My husband really hates borrowing money from anyone, and when he had to borrow some while we were dating it killed him. Some people take their pride in that, just like you want to take pride in not having given up on him. To each their own. If he didn't want to visit with you at all, that would be a bigger red flag to me.

As for his distraction when you're talking to him, I get where you're coming from. My husband will sometimes have the TV on when we talk and I can tell immediately :P I say something like, "Hey, if you're watching a show right now I'll call you back" (not in a passive-aggressive way) and he usually says, "Oh it's nothing important, I'll turn it off" or "Thanks, I'll call you back in an hour when it's over". If this guy can't take any time out of his gaming to talk to you...flag.

I guess in the end I don't see the point in staying in a relationship were you struggle against things more than you derive happiness from it, if that makes sense.

[lilspitfire]

My boyfriend is a huge gamer too. Sometimes I get mad because I really want to spend time with him, but I try to realize that gaming is his way of relaxing after work or on his days off. We're still really new in this relationship so I'm working hard on accepting this stuff and so is he. This is his first ever and this is my 3rd. None of mine have been successful before, but he is way different than the others. He makes me so happy. He also has money issues, but I don't let that get to me. We do what we can for each other. He said since he can't afford to take me out to lots of fancy places for dinner when I visit; that he will cook for me at home. I'd MUCH rather have that. Try not to be so hard on his gaming if he does it to relax.

[Hollandia]

I would also add," if you can't beat em, join em." My SO is a big gamer and I get bored sometimes now that we are CD right now watching him game. So, I did some research and found some games that I could play myself. Before I knew it he stopped playing his game and started playing mine, now we have even more to joke around about how we are doing in each other's games. He gets a kick out of it when I game sometimes. It's something he loves so he loves me for doing it with him.

I am far from an avid gamer, but I will add that retro games like Theme Hospital are fun for even just the casual gamer like myself and perhaps you might enjoy it. I bought it for 5.99 dollars on GOG.

[lilspitfire]

I would also add," if you can't beat em, join em." My SO is a big gamer and I get bored sometimes now that we are CD right now watching him game. So, I did some research and found some games that I could play myself. Before I knew it he stopped playing his game and started playing mine, now we have even more to joke around about how we are doing in each other's games. He gets a kick out of it when I game sometimes. It's something he loves so he loves me for doing it with him.

I am far from an avid gamer, but I will add that retro games like Theme Hospital are fun for even just the casual gamer like myself and perhaps you might enjoy it. I bought it for 5.99 dollars on GOG.

Oooh I like that idea. I'm thinking of eventually getting a TV and an Xbox just to play GTA with him. lol.

[Hollandia]

Oooh I like that idea. I'm thinking of eventually getting a TV and an Xbox just to play GTA with him. lol.

On some PC games you can play together via LAN like Civilzation IV, all you both need is a computer and an internet. My SO is a big retro gamer and has shown me a few.

[lilspitfire]

He doesn't have a computer. Just a phone, TV, and an Xbox. I'm thinking of getting him a tablet, but he is worried about me paying so much.

[Hollandia]

He doesn't have a computer. Just a phone, TV, and an Xbox. I'm thinking of getting him a tablet, but he is worried about me paying so much.

Ah, then perhaps a first generation X-Box would be your cheapest solution.

[lyonsgirl]

My SO has always been a "gamer" of sorts. I have played off & on with exes, and now that we're CD we have found a number of 2 player games that we both enjoy, but have games that he plays on his own (and I've even played (and finished!) a few games on my own).

I'm all for joining him. It adds a new layer to your relationship, plus, it's fun to join in his hobbies once in a while.