He's a self-proclaimed narcissist. Is there any chance to overcome this?

[JaneEmily]

Dziubka - ya..he straighout asked me if I would give him my tv because I already had one in the front room. He actually asked me son why he had 2 xboxes...my son said one was from before his dad left and the other one he'd just saved up for. This guy proceeds to tell my son that if he could keep one of them..he'd play against him online. I called my boyfriend.who is my age (37) out of the room and laid down some rules. Very clearly told him it was inappropriate, to which he laughed off saying that if ya don't ask..you don't know.
Ahava-I wish this was a joke. The whole situation is weird enough that I'd think the same thing also

I have told him that I have no intention of having more children as my kids are still fighting with the negativity in which they were raised within my marriage to their father (it was horrible and they caught my ex sneaking out..to live with his secretary) I have expressed to my boyfriend that I have no intention of starting a new family..yet, he still insists that he wants children. And weirdly seems to be grooming me for such. He is also a smoker by the way .
As for Facebook...it's honestly never been a huge part of my life. Until my phone started freaking out with 400+ notifications. He was bored at work and decided to "like" every single post or status on my wall from 2097 to present. No idea why...just did. He seems very obsessed with FB, therefore I was quite upset when all his friends boobs started showing up on my newsfeed.
He was married before. He saved his virginity for this woman, who 5 years into the marriage told him she did not want children with him. I suspect he's been badly hurt, but I don't think it's a fixable one for me.
You are absolutely right..I have children to protect and the more I read, the more I realize he honestly has nothing to offer.

I'm glad you have the common sense to realise this - as many people would make excuses for someone who behaves like he does (and stick around until it gets to the point that they can't take any more), and to realise this is probably a man you don't want to raise your children around as well as not the kind of relationship you'd like to be in. Especially as he's being this weird and pushy over certain things, so if I were in your position, I would run as fast as I can. I wish you good luck.

[differentcountries]

Narcicissm can be a natural or good trait in itself, but followed by aggression, easily hurt feelings and disregard for the needs of others, it is extremely destructive in an adult. This man is mostly trouble, and if you dont want to see the ugly ending, don't hang around...

[kittyo9]

I would think this weren't real if you hadn't posted again, lol.

My jaw is hanging open.

WHAT redeeming qualities does this man have?

Pouting? No. Asking to HAVE your electronics? No. No affection? Aw HELL NO.

Not only should you not contact him, you should run far far away.

Really.

Seriously! Facebook aside, which I can sort of understand (although not to the extremes he likely takes it), he is a child and his behavior is ridiculous. He does not compromise or have any sort of empathy for other beings. This is not something that you will change or overcome. He is not a person you need in your life, period.

[merlinkitty]

My jaw is hanging open.

No kidding. Block him. Get him out of your life. I can't believe what I just read. You have my permission to run as fast as you can.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Narcicissm can be a natural or good trait in itself.

How is complete and utter obsession with oneself ever good?

[differentcountries]

How is complete and utter obsession with oneself ever good?

There is narcicissm as a personality trait, and there is a personality disorder known as (malignant) narcicissm, dissocial personality disorder and similar names.

Narcicissm as a personality trait is often found among actors and others who like to perform publically. If they did not crave the attention and liked to be watched, they would have no motivation to put themselves out there.

[CynicalQuixotic]

There is narcicissm as a personality trait, and there is a personality disorder known as (malignant) narcicissm, dissocial personality disorder and similar names.

Narcicissm as a personality trait is often found among actors and others who like to perform publically. If they did not crave the attention and liked to be watched, they would have no motivation to put themselves out there.

....what? I mean, there are people who are self-confident and crave fame and those are the people who are likely to become famous, of course, but that's different than NPD, although I guess that they can intersect. And even if "narcissism as a personality trait" exists (I haven't been able to find anything), obviously this guy is a malignant narcissistic of the "excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process" persuasion, and isn't someone who seeks fame. So I don't understand why you brought it up, if not just to show people that you know the difference, if it even exists?

[differentcountries]

....what? I mean, there are people who are self-confident and crave fame and those are the people who are likely to become famous, of course, but that's different than NPD, although I guess that they can intersect. And even if "narcissism as a personality trait" exists (I haven't been able to find anything), obviously this guy is a malignant narcissistic of the "excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process" persuasion, and isn't someone who seeks fame. So I don't understand why you brought it up, if not just to show people that you know the difference, if it even exists?

The difference exists. Look up "dangerous triangle" to se why it is a combination of personality traits that is dangerous, not any trait itself (exept for agression, which is almost always a red flag). Narcisissm is known from child psyology as a positive trait, that at some point needs to be balanced with other traits. Narcisissm is also known from adult psycology as a trait that exists as a continuum, so that most people have a bit of it (like they need to be self assured), some people have little (don't stand up for themselves/feel entitled to anything), and some people more than others which could be a red flag, but usually not, unless combined with agression and lack of empathy.

Anyway, it is a trend among people who have these triangle of traits to claim that they are narcicists and that they wish to change, even though the very nature of being aggressive, not having much empathy for others and feeling entitled to everything makes any change meaningless unless they are actually smart enough to realize that there are long term benifits for them to be nice. There is a psycologist who found out he himself was actually a narcisst (sorry I don't remember his name) who said he could change his behaviour but not intentions, but he was able to because of self control and being very smart. But it took him like years and years to realize, even if people were telling him, what convinced him was he actually took a brain scan and his brain was the same as violent criminas. He said his intentions would never change, like he did not really see/care that he hurt people, but he did not want to get divorced etc. so he saw it as his benifit to start treat his family etc. nicer. He said it was very, very difficult even changing his behaviour because why should he? He felt he was perfect as he was. The sense of being perfect is of course what lots of people with narcicistic personality traits may feel as well, at least some of the time, it is just that since they have empathy, they can react when others tell them they are not so perfect or even notice themselves if their behaviour is off. So there is a big difference there.

[CynicalQuixotic]

The difference exists. Look up "dangerous triangle" to se why it is a combination of personality traits that is dangerous, not any trait itself (exept for agression, which is almost always a red flag). Narcisissm is known from child psyology as a positive trait, that at some point needs to be balanced with other traits. Narcisissm is also known from adult psycology as a trait that exists as a continuum, so that most people have a bit of it (like they need to be self assured), some people have little (don't stand up for themselves/feel entitled to anything), and some people more than others which could be a red flag, but usually not, unless combined with agression and lack of empathy.

Anyway, it is a trend among people who have these triangle of traits to claim that they are narcicists and that they wish to change, even though the very nature of being aggressive, not having much empathy for others and feeling entitled to everything makes any change meaningless unless they are actually smart enough to realize that there are long term benifits for them to be nice. There is a psycologist who found out he himself was actually a narcisst (sorry I don't remember his name) who said he could change his behaviour but not intentions, but he was able to because of self control and being very smart. But it took him like years and years to realize, even if people were telling him, what convinced him was he actually took a brain scan and his brain was the same as violent criminas. He said his intentions would never change, like he did not really see/care that he hurt people, but he did not want to get divorced etc. so he saw it as his benifit to start treat his family etc. nicer. He said it was very, very difficult even changing his behaviour because why should he? He felt he was perfect as he was. The sense of being perfect is of course what lots of people with narcicistic personality traits may feel as well, at least some of the time, it is just that since they have empathy, they can react when others tell them they are not so perfect or even notice themselves if their behaviour is off. So there is a big difference there.

Sorry, but I've just Googled, and I haven't been able to find anything on "the dangerous triangle" (although I did find this , the more you know!) and only a handful of PsychologyToday articles that argue that narcissism is a good leadership trait. Maybe it's something that's been studied more in Norwegian psychological literature than Anglophone, I am not so ethnocentric to believe that what you're talking about doesn't exist. But still, you're bringing up a psychological argument that has no place here--it's very obvious that this guy is at least an emotionally abusive narcissist, if not possessing sociopathic tendencies, so I still don't understand why you feel the need to belabor this point. You have a really disturbing history of shifting the blame on people who are in obviously in unhealthy relationship situations by playing this sort of intellectualized devil's advocate game, and it's getting really old.

[Fretboard_Magic]

You have a really disturbing history of shifting the blame on people who are in obviously in unhealthy relationship situations by playing this sort of intellectualized devil's advocate game, and it's getting really old.

Hollandia and I recently butted heads on another thread because I was doing that. But you know, someone's gotta play the devil's advocate. I still say there's three sides to every story even though Hollandia seems to think that's something that people who screw others over say. We're only hearing one side of the story, and therefore it's actually a VERY smart move to at least try to take all possibilities into consideration. For that matter, there's no proof that says the OP's story is even true. We only get to read what other people write and post, and maybe some of them are totally made-up stories(some people go to great lengths to appear like their lives are adventurous when posting stuff online, when in reality they are just total loners who have no social life and living very lonely lives). So it IS good to question things. Not questioning anything when you don't even know the whole story, I'm sorry to say, is a bit irresponsible in my opinion.

For the record, I'm among the very few who would be prepared to put partial blame on the OP, and I'm sure Hollandia already knows that and probably dreads it, LOL. But I don't care, IF the OP actually feels it's 100% his fault while failing to recognize her own possible mistakes, and failing to take responsibilities for her own actions, then I say the dude isn't the only narcissistic one we've got here.

OP - I apologize for being a bit harsh there, I'm not saying you're narcissistic...well, not necessarily. But your situation, a lot of it, is due to your voluntarily allowing this man to have his ways. You have three children. Put them before your romance, stay strong for them, and break it off with this dude. And I know you felt unfair coming from another smoker when the guy told you to quit, but he IS right. Please DO try to quit, that shit seriously ain't good for you and your children, lol. xD

[Hollandia]

Hollandia and I recently butted heads on another thread because I was doing that. But you know, someone's gotta play the devil's advocate. I still say there's three sides to every story even though Hollandia seems to think that's something that people who screw others over say. We're only hearing one side of the story, and therefore it's actually a VERY smart move to at least try to take all possibilities into consideration. For that matter, there's no proof that says the OP's story is even true. We only get to read what other people write and post, and maybe some of them are totally made-up stories(some people go to great lengths to appear like their lives are adventurous when posting stuff online, when in reality they are just total loners who have no social life and living very lonely lives). So it IS good to question things. Not questioning anything when you don't even know the whole story, I'm sorry to say, is a bit irresponsible in my opinion.

For the record, I'm among the very few who would be prepared to put partial blame on the OP, and I'm sure Hollandia already knows that and probably dreads it, LOL. But I don't care, IF the OP actually feels it's 100% his fault while failing to recognize her own possible mistakes, and failing to take responsibilities for her own actions, then I say the dude isn't the only narcissistic one we've got here.

OP - I apologize for being a bit harsh there, I'm not saying you're narcissistic...well, not necessarily. But your situation, a lot of it, is due to your voluntarily allowing this man to have his ways. You have three children. Put them before your romance, stay strong for them, and break it off with this dude. And I know you felt unfair coming from another smoker when the guy told you to quit, but he IS right. Please DO try to quit, that shit seriously ain't good for you and your children, lol. xD

Dude, I did not even post on this thread. Why are you bringing me into it?

Each post I make is in direct response to that poster, although when there is a recurring theme of putting blame on the victim that is wrong. There is no way in hades that this is the OP's fault except if she is still subjecting him to her kids. As a parent you are responsible to protect your children from things and people the might harm them. This guy is out of control and stepping over lines so she should at the very least cut any ties between him and her kids.

His behavior is not in the slightest way her fault, and the fact that you blame her for it is just sad. I'm not sure why you like to just play Devil's Advocate to frak with people's heads and I also don't like that you insinuate our posters are making stuff up, you have no way of knowing that. Or is this what you are really doing?

If the OP wants to keep dating him after learning all these things about him, for that she would be blamable. Just as I told a previous poster that she should find a support group and suck it up and deal if she chooses to stay with this person. However, the bad behavior is ENTIRELY on the guy doing it and not his victim.

I bet you think women are partially to be be blamed who dress in skimpy clothes and get raped too? Or children who take rides from strangers to blame for being molested?

The OP if anything has low self esteem and not showing any signs of be a narcissist. That POA does not even make any sense and feels like you stated it to win a debate and not give actual helpful advice. I do agree with you that she should break up with him and quit smoking, but the two have nothing to do with each other.

[Dziubka]

We're only hearing one side of the story, and therefore it's actually a VERY smart move to at least try to take all possibilities into consideration. For that matter, there's no proof that says the OP's story is even true. We only get to read what other people write and post, and maybe some of them are totally made-up stories(some people go to great lengths to appear like their lives are adventurous when posting stuff online, when in reality they are just total loners who have no social life and living very lonely lives). So it IS good to question things. Not questioning anything when you don't even know the whole story, I'm sorry to say, is a bit irresponsible in my opinion.

Are you for real?!
If you think that someone's story doesn't add up or is untrue, then don't answer.
We obviously know only one point, so that's what we have to base our opinion on. Serious question: Where's the use in speculating about another side of the story?
There are always a lot of possibilities. For every break-up post we could speculate whether aliens made the poster's SO break up with them or that a terrorist organisation is blackmailing them and they're just trying to save the poster. We could speculate about that, but it's a waste of time and not in the least helpful.


Narcissist or not, suneerayz's (hopefully now ex) SO is a huge asshole. No further speculation needed.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Are you for real?!
If you think that someone's story doesn't add up or is untrue, then don't answer.
We obviously know only one point, so that's what we have to base our opinion on. Serious question: Where's the use in speculating about another side of the story?
There are always a lot of possibilities. For every break-up post we could speculate whether aliens made the poster's SO break up with them or that a terrorist organisation is blackmailing them and they're just trying to save the poster. We could speculate about that, but it's a waste of time and not in the least helpful.


Narcissist or not, suneerayz's (hopefully now ex) SO is a huge asshole. No further speculation needed.

And to add to that, it's not like we're the arbiters of anything life-changing here. What's the point of waxing poetic about "there are two sides to every story, we must consider every possibility!" on a message board mostly full of people's relatively mundane relationship problems? (and the occasional debate about nipples.)

It makes me wonder what would happen if the genders were reversed in this situation. I think a guy complaining about a girl being like this would get sympathy and "don't stick your dick in crazy, dude".

[velkoria]

Uhm he isn't a narcissist... I mean of course I can't completely assess that online from your description but from what I know of NPD this man is simply a douche with SOME NPD tendenncies. The facebook thing is what doesn't add up really because NPD are known to NEED that kind of attention and constant praise. This man is using you for whatever reason and it's best you stay as FAR away from him as possible.

[velkoria]

....what? I mean, there are people who are self-confident and crave fame and those are the people who are likely to become famous, of course, but that's different than NPD, although I guess that they can intersect. And even if "narcissism as a personality trait" exists (I haven't been able to find anything), obviously this guy is a malignant narcissistic of the "excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity, mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and to others in the process" persuasion, and isn't someone who seeks fame. So I don't understand why you brought it up, if not just to show people that you know the difference, if it even exists?

Hmm... there are varying degrees of NPD and both me and my boyfriend express them and I don't consider us horrible people. We just have some traits associated with NPD (not confidence but actualy NPD). Having a disorder does not a bad person make =)