Only sharing positive details without being annoying?

[LizH]

I have an friend who is unsupportive of my LDR. She was hooking up with my boyfriend for a few months before she introduced us. He ended their "friends with benefits" relationship with her for reasons unrelated to me and started dating me not long after (almost two years ago now). She was upset about that for a little while, but I apologized and we've remained close friends. She also thinks he's a scumbag because of problems we had last year, but he and I have made equal mistakes over the course of our relationship that we've since forgiven each other for. I believe that if my boyfriend and I have worked through past issues, she shouldn't continue to bring them up.

She and another girl are going to be my roommates in a little less than a month. The next time that she says something negative, I plan on calmly telling her that it's important to me that she's supportive of my relationship, especially now that we're roommates and my relationship is now a bit harder than it used it be. Hopefully this is enough to change her behavior. If not, I will only tell her positive things about my relationship so she can't try to persuade me to give up on my recently longer distance relationship (CD in college, LDR to PA and MD for a year, now CA and MD).

The problem is that I'm not naturally inclined to gush about my personal life. When I talk about my relationship, I feel like I'm oversharing. I don't want to be that friend who talks about her boyfriend all the time. I know the feelings are probably unfounded. What sort of things should I tell her that aren't TMI? Casually mention we have a Skype date? Maybe Skype him over our shared TV in the living room if I figure out how that works? I want her to know that we're happy together but I don't want to overdo it.

[lyonsgirl]

I don't understand why it's important to you that she's supportive of your relationship. Unrelated to your question, but I won't live with friends if I want to remain friends with them.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, I'd just leave it be.
If you're happy with your relationship and how it's going, it doesn't matter if she knows or believes it.

I'd bring your SO up if it makes sense/flows naturally with the current conversation, or if she asks. And I agree, if she says something negative, say that you appreciate her concern, but you're happy with the relationship and then change the subject.

The things you mention with her seeing it negatively after you told her about issues that have since gone past is a pretty common thing. For many friends/family, it's a protective instinct. I'd definitely agree with you not to being up the bad stuff with her anymore, but how much of the good you share is your call.

I try not to bring up arguments or frustrations with my SO to my friends very much, because those things are personal between us, and I know that friends tend to want to look out for me. There are some very close people I trust that will get some of it, but for the most part, if I talk about my SO to others, I try to focus on the positive. I don't sugarcoat the bad, or try to make it seem rosier, but I keep in mind that temporary spats are likely to blow over for me but will stick with my friends, who don't have the same level and frequency of interaction with my SO that I do.

I wouldn't worry about trying to think of things to tell her. If stuff comes up naturally, tell her about it, and if it doesn't, there's nothing wrong with keeping your thoughts on your life to yourself if you want to.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I don't understand why it's important to you that she's supportive of your relationship. Unrelated to your question, but I won't live with friends if I want to remain friends with them.

Also, this. :P

I'm sure some people manage to live with friends, but in my experience and watching it with others, it rarely works out.

[LizH]

I don't understand why it's important to you that she's supportive of your relationship. Unrelated to your question, but I won't live with friends if I want to remain friends with them.

Also, this. :P

I'm sure some people manage to live with friends, but in my experience and watching it with others, it rarely works out.

Funny, I've never seen it not work out among my many friends that have lived together. I've heard that it can go bad, though. Luckily we're all pretty easy going.

Back on topic, it's important to me because it's draining to have someone who is close to you doubting your relationship and injecting negativity into your life. There are a bunch of topics on this board about people with unsupportive friends and family. It's a common problem with LDRs.

Thanks for the advice. I know she only wants to help me and wants what she thinks is best for me. I have another close friend whose boyfriend is temporarily moving away...I'll probably talk to her about the negative things instead. (Oh, and she was my roommate before - it actually made us better friends! She was around for all the hard times with this boyfriend and is still supportive. Yay!)

[snow]

If my friend started dating my ex, I would not find it in my heart to be supportive of their relationship. Good for her to not break off the friendship between you two, but I wouldn't expect her to be supportive either.

On topic: Most of us here, who are in LDRs, get negative comments from time to time. It's just something you have to deal with. I simply told my negative people that if they don't have anything nice to say, they should not say anything at all.

[squeeker]

I think snow has a good point, if I had an ex, it would be hard to be supportive of a friend who started dating him. But I think with time, it can happen. Just as you said, it's probably a good thing to not say anymore bad things of your relationship. And don't be afraid to say the positives when they come up.

I am not one to naturally share things that happen in my relationship with others too because I do not want to be that girl to talk about her relationship all the time. I would especially be concerned about bringing up things that could be seen as negative, I will talk to my boyfriend about that or if he's not online I will try and write it down to either talk about later or maybe not if it's something I see I was getting kinda emotional about. :P

About sharing positive things, try to wait for times it naturally works into the conversation... like if she asks about your day and you just had a Skype conversation, you can mention that you Skyped and maybe something you did or talked about. Or if something reminds you of him, then mention how you were talking with him about this.. just work it in the conversation. It's something I'm still working on but I feel a lot better when I can do that with my friends so that they can feel included in our lives. Although I think it would be a lot more complicated if one of my friends used to date or fancy him. But still I'm sure it's possible. Just try not to get offended if she does bring up negative things, and remember the only two people who really know your relationship is the two people in the relationship.. if people say negative things let them say it and acknowledge it, maybe thank them for their opinion, and then move on, talk about something else if you can.

Oh and good luck with the new living situation, I hope it works out great!

[LizH]

If my friend started dating my ex, I would not find it in my heart to be supportive of their relationship. Good for her to not break off the friendship between you two, but I wouldn't expect her to be supportive either.

While I totally understand what you're saying, I do want to point out that they never dated. They "hooked up" for a few months in the summer before our senior year of college. It was never serious. Of course, people do "catch feelings" sometimes in those sorts of set ups, but I can tell you for certain that neither of them had serious feelings for each other. He told me they had agreed to end their (non)relationship in July anyway. She was still upset (but not, like, break up-level upset, just annoyed with me), and I don't blame her for that - I scooped him up pretty quickly after she introduced us in August. We started dating that September.

I know it might seem weird to some people, but hook up culture is very strong at our alma mater and among most people our age in college.

[rhabdoviridae]

A few things...

- Only bring up your boyfriend if it's directly relevant to the conversation at hand OR don't talk about him at all, good or bad. If she asks how things are going, just say something like, "Everything's good, thanks for asking!" End conversation. Don't let her draw you into talking about your problems because it will only give her fodder to rag on him.

- The next time she says something negative about it, I think it's fair for you to say, "It seems like you're really concerned about my relationship. I appreciate your concern because I know you care about me as a friend, but I'm happy with Boyfriend and I'd prefer not to talk about it negatively." Or something acknowledging her concern (if it's genuine) and dissuading her negativity.

- Don't validate her negativity by telling her you care what she thinks, even if you do. If you really care what she thinks, you would probably have broken up with the guy by now anyway, right? Like anyone, you want your SO to be liked by your friends and family, but sometimes that's just not possible. Accept that and you'll be so much happier.

[standingoutsidethefire]

They "hooked up" for a few months in the summer before our senior year of college. It was never serious. Of course, people do "catch feelings" sometimes in those sorts of set ups, but I can tell you for certain that neither of them had serious feelings for each other

Eh, can you really say that for certain? Perhaps he didn't "catch feelings" but maybe at some point during their time together she did. I personally believe it's impossible to be intimate with a man and not allow yourself to feel something. Sex is incredibly emotionally, especially for women. It would explain why she's upset, perhaps there was something more going on there which is why she doesn't support your relationship. And this is just me, but I couldn't be friends with someone who once had a history with my SO. But I would keep your relationship private, and not worry about her opinion so much. Hopefully she'll at least be civil about it, and if not I would find a new friend.