How much contact is too much?

[KelseylovesWes]

I'm editing this post because I'm embarrassed by the way I came off and the fact that I doubted God's plan for me.. I just want to say that I do take the topic of marriage seriously and I feel ready for this commitment it just sucks when the person you love isn't as ready as you are. What I really want to ask now is how do you guys know that you are ready for such a commitment and what can you do if your loved one isn't as ready as you are?

Also, what do you guys think is a good balance of time talking to you're SO who is far away? I'm not working and Im living with my parents now while I'm taking summer classes and Im about and hour away from civilization... therefore, I have been going kind of crazy not being able to talk to my boyfriend. Im trying to give him space to have fun, but I want to talk to him too. How much time a day do you guys usually talk with your SO?

[snow_girl]

Is this post for real? This whole post screams why the two of you aren't ready to get married. He is on vacation, let him have fun. If he loves you he isn't going to forget about you. Send him a text/email and wait for him to reply. If he isn't ready to get married it is probably for good reasons, have a read of this article it explains that marriage isn't just fun and fairy tales. You can't just marry someone cause you love them and make you giddy there is a hell of a lot more to it.
https://thephilosophersmail.com/rela...-wrong-people/

[sarahjane1992]

Is this post for real? This whole post screams why the two of you aren't ready to get married. He is on vacation, let him have fun. If he loves you he isn't going to forget about you. Send him a text/email and wait for him to reply. If he isn't ready to get married it is probably for good reasons, have a read of this article it explains that marriage isn't just fun and fairy tales. You can't just marry someone cause you love them and make you giddy there is a hell of a lot more to it.
https://thephilosophersmail.com/rela...-wrong-people/

I second this! Also it's just 40 days. You've been together for over 2 years. Him being gone for 40 days shouldn't change your relationship. With trust and communication it should make your relationship stronger. Be thankful you have an end date. Many of us here don't have that luxury.

[Hollandia]

As someone who has been through two bad marriages, I can say, don't rush. Puppy love and infatuation fade. Marriage is hard work. As much as I love my SO we have waited and waited and waited. And now after over 3 years we are getting quite close to it. I don't regret the wait, the distance was hard, but everything that we went through got us to this place. If you and your SO love each other deeply, be patient, love will still be there and you are young and have your whole life in front of you.

Stop and smell the roses and enjoy each phase of your life. 39 Days days will be over before you know it and then you too can take your time and talk about your future. The ring and dress are pretty and the party is fun, but snow_girl is so right, there is so much more to it.

I highly recommend you don't smother him, let him enjoy his time away. He will love you all the more when he gets back if you give him some breathing room over a need to be constantly in touch. The surest way to push someone away is to smother them. Don't chase him, keep yourself busy and go out with your friends and live your life. The best way to be happy with someone else is to be able to be happy alone.

[KelseylovesWes]

Okay, I obviously came off the wrong way here... I've just been emotional because I miss him and left out details to keep it shorter... He and I have seen a pastor about pre-marriage counseling and we have both read through a book on marriage and how it won't always be rainbows and butterflies. I get that. I totally get that. We both have shared that when we marry, we will be married for life. Because we believe that if there was something there in the first place, it will always be there. When you make the commitment of marriage, you stick to it. People change over time and so sometimes you wake up next to your partner like "who the heck is this person they are not the same person I married" I've just been feeling insecure lately because we used to talk about marriage a lot and we were really working towards it, but lately, he hasn't seemed to be interested in talking about it anymore and we stopped seeing our pastor about it because we both got busy.... I guess when I type it all out, you guys are right though. Despite how ready I feel, if he doesn't feel ready then it won't work.. I'm just upset that we seemed to be doing so well in our relationship and we were so close to marriage and now it seems like we're not. Again, I have a tendency to overthink things.... I just don't have a lot of friends to talk to right now so I've been in need of encouragement that he still loves me and I'm going to get through this time without him..

[KelseylovesWes]

Thank you for the article! You're totally right, and I know that marriage is going to be work I think i just get caught up in wanting things to move quicker.. I'm impatient sometimes.. it's one of my many flaws that he knows of and puts up with. You are so right that I need to just chill and know that things are going to happen in Gods perfect timing... Have you ever just wanted a fast forward button for your life? I think sometimes I just get caught up in how great it will be to live with him and be with him every day that I forget that everything happens for a reason.... I'm embarrassed that I doubted him now... I needed to hear parts of what you said though so thank you

[shysmiley12]

Use the time in your hands to be busy. Find a new hobby, study a new skill. You love your SO but don't let your world just revolve around him. you are young and still full of energy, enjoy your life and yourself while you don't have kids yet to chase around when you get to have a wonderful family.

[whatruckus]

You're young, don't rush it. You have plenty of time to get married and then spend the rest of your lives together. I didn't get to read the post before you edited it, but I got the jist of it from the replies. 39 days is nothing compared to what some other couples have gone through, myself included.

In regards to your questions, I don't really talk to my SO that much during the day, unless he has off from work. A few texts here and there, and then we get maybe an hour or more of off and on Facebook messaging when he gets home from work. I try not to smother him because I know he gets stressed out from work (he's a Correctional Officer in a State prison), so I ask him about his day and what not and let him unwind. He's not allowed to have his phone on him at all when he's working so, for 8 hours (and more, depending if they ask him to work a double shift and when he gets relieved from his post), I have no contact with him. He wakes up, gets ready for work, goes to work, comes home, eats, and goes to sleep or goes out with his buddies.

I, like you, am currently unemployed, living with my parents, I don't have many friends anymore (or ones that are able to go out anymore. My best friend just had a baby.), and I'm going to school. So, I'm home pretty much all the time when I'm not with my boyfriend. It sucks. I know how you feel. Try to think of things to do. Hobbies, crafts, games, etc. I do crafts sometimes to keep myself busy, and I actually made some things for my boyfriend and he loves them. I'm actually going to be applying for some jobs, part time, to make some money since I'm broke. Could you go for walks/runs in your area? I know you said you're not really near anything, but still. I even go on here to keep myself busy and have people to talk to.

I'm not exactly sure how much contact would be too much, since every couple, and every person, is different. What might be too much for my boyfriend, might not be enough for yours. You'd need to talk him about it. Just casually say, "Hey Babe (or whatever, lol), I know you're on vacation, and I miss you and miss talking to you, but I also don't want to feel like I'm smothering you or being clingy, when would be okay for me to call you/text you/Skype...etc? I want you to have your fun, but I would also still like us to talk."

[rhabdoviridae]

What I really want to ask now is how do you guys know that you are ready for such a commitment and what can you do if your loved one isn't as ready as you are?

Im trying to give him space to have fun, but I want to talk to him too. How much time a day do you guys usually talk with your SO?

1. It wasn't an "ah ah, now I'm ready for marriage!" moment for me. We dated for seven years before we got married and that was plenty of time to be sure. My SO has been around a number of nasty divorces, his parents' included, and he was more wary of marriage than me, so I gave him room and never pushed him or even brought it up. I told him I just wanted to be with him, and if that meant never getting married, cool. But he wants kids, and I wanted kids only after marriage, so I left him with that and the time to do it how he felt comfortable. There's nothing you can do to convince someone to be ready. The worst thing you can do is pressure them, either directly or indirectly by bringing it up, dropping hints, etc. why would you want to marry someone you'd bullied into committing before they were ready?

2. We talk for usually an hour on FaceTime every night. When he was on vacation visiting his family last week, we were only able to talk for 10mins a night or so on the phone. Yeah, it want ideal but I knew he was only gone for a week and I'd get to talk to him again soon. Don't be clingy but explain that you want to at least chat for a few minutes and is there a y he could work that in to whatever he's doing.

[Hollandia]

If either one of you is not ready yet, then you should not do it yet. All you can do is be content to be together as things are now and be the same loving person that you have always been. Don't bring it up a lot and make hints about it, or he might feel pressured or even manipulated. Be honest with him about it is a disappointment but you love him enough to wait longer. If's he not ready he is doing you both a favor by not moving forward and he is being very adult about it, many people rush into things way too soon and kill their relationships. Enjoy this dating time you have together now, someday you will look back on it fondly. A year or two more is nothing in the scope of life, but if it means you two will grow old together instead of a bitter divorce in 10 years, it is huge. Nobody thinks they will end up in divorce when they marry but many do and getting married when you are not ready is the perfect recipe for it. He loves you enough to wait and make sure you are both ready.

We talked most days but I do think that was a bit different. This is a one time 40 day vacation and so I would think you might not expect as much contact as if it was a permanent distance and a greater need to keep in touch in your day to day lives. He is liable to have lots of activities and events planned and so it also depends on if he likes to chat or communicate when out. My SO rarely ever texted, I think twice on holidays, while out with family or friends, and refused to get a smartphone for a long time, however when he was in, he would spend hours on Skype with me. I think I would just ask him out outright and tell him, I miss you and this is hard for me, so can we discuss how much communication is okay while you are on vacation?

And just think, you have already made it to 38.