What would you do?

[merlinkitty]

I need some advice, support, on how to proceed. A few weeks back we got into a tiff over something that was really nothing, but it snowballed into something more pervasive. I wrote a blog on it if you want more background info. https://members.lovingfromadistance....-isn-t-the-end

We went almost a week of not speaking, which hasn't happened in ages, and when he came back it was one of those "testing the waters" things, trying to see how receptive I was to speaking. Like he sent me a link to something he's interested in and we kind of had hesitating, cautious talk about nothing really of significance. Eventually he apologized for how he'd been, and said that he realized issues had come up that weren't "entirely" my fault. He said that he realized he had some trust issues from his ex that and few other women in the past that came up when he thought I was manipulating him, which I wasn't intentionally, and that this was something he need to work on.

I completely understand this. My ex did a number on me. I've got trust and insecurity issues that he's helped me deal with. But I also see that there is no point in punishing the next person for the past person's mistakes. I kind of feel like that's what he's doing to me right now.

Here's the issue. The way he's been is bringing up all my old issues again. I'm trying to squash them as best as possible, but I feel like I deserve something. He should tell me something about what's going on with him, where we stand, etc. I am totally making up crap in my head in absence of information from him. I know this. But I want to know what's going on with him and us.

We've been planning on meeting this year, but right now, I'm not sure if he even wants to anymore. (This might be my insecurity speaking. I am aware of that.) I can tell he's trying, but he's just not back on board like he was a few weeks ago before this started happening.

Here is the minimum of what I want to know from him:
1. Where do we stand?
2. Does he still want to meet?
3. Where do we go from here?

Right now, even though I can tell he's trying, he's still being short with me. He's making me feel insecure and nervous to ask anything because it might be considered a "silly question." I've got a lot of emotion and love invested in this man, but like he's got these trust issues, I've got my insecurity ones, and I don't want to find that I'm getting screwed over, yet again. He's acknowledged he does something that makes the women in his life react the way I am, but we haven't talked further about it.

How would you all pursue something like this? Bear in mind we've only started speaking again 4 days ago, and didn't speak at all one of those days. The conversation has been stilted at best, he disappears quickly right now, and he's been suppressing his shortness with me but it's still there.

I know he's struggling, and there is something that is really bothering him. I can see him trying but, how urgent an issue is this, should I be more patient with him? Should I press this issue? It's just that, with all the hurt of the last few weeks, I've been toying with putting that infernal wall back up again. I don't want to be hurt again and I'm afraid of it. But if the wall goes up again, what's the point of pursuing a relationship?

I want to tell him everything here that I've said directly, but I'm not sure if I should wait, be patient, and see what happens or if I should just go ahead and bring it up? And at what point do I know I've tried and nothing is changing?

[lilspitfire]

There's this great love advice expert that I want to suggest to you. His name is Charles J. Orlando and he deals with stuff like this and with LDRs too. This is a very complicated situation to make a suggestion on. Communication is best, but if he thinks you've manipulated him......that is a little worrying. I would definitely at-least try to find out where you still stand. Him leaving you in the dark is NOT good at all. Also where you go from here is another thing to get from him. Can he move past this? Can you? It's a lot to do and take in.

Edit: I just read your blog and wow. I am totally unsure of what to say now.

[merlinkitty]

This is a very complicated situation to make a suggestion on. Communication is best, but if he thinks you've manipulated him......that is a little worrying.... I just read your blog and wow. I am totally unsure of what to say now.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. After I posted it I realized how complicated this thing is. Or, I guess, how straightforward it is in that he's got trust issues, and I don't want to give up on him. And thank you for the suggested reading. I've taken a look at his stuff and he seems to be very insightful. I will definitely look into it

I've thought about that some, what "manipulation" means, and I've come to the conclusion that it's anything that changes how you would feel or react to something. Except the word has a negative connotation. What I did was try to get him to talk to me when he didn't want to because I wanted to know how he was doing. I've never been accused of it before. I told him I would never do that intentionally and I got an "I know it in my heart though... I really do. It's just my head that's looking out for me is all."

Maybe that's what this thread should have been titled lol something about "manipulation."

He and I have always been friends who decided to try taking it a step further. We've always been very open and forthcoming with one another. But this is a side I haven't seen of him yet and I'm trying to decide what do I do with it.

[MyHeartsInScotland]

Oh dearest! You do not deserve to be treated that way.

Knowing a little about you and your story, he has no right in treating you like that, and you are not being manipulative one bit. You have been there for him through thick and thin for over a year and a half now. I think it's completely normal to ask him where he thinks this relationship is going and if he's committed to seeing you. It might be different in British culture, but as Americans, we are upfront about our emotions, what we're thinking, and need to know the status of our relationships. It's ingrained in us, and we can't help it, even if it seems a bit odd to them.

I think it would be a good idea to tell him how you're feeling. I know he has a lot going on in his life right now, but that is no reason to shut you out. You two have had an great, open line of communication up to this point. Don't let his insecurities cut that off. We all have insecurities and walls from past relationships. It takes major personal growth to get over them. Whatever you do, do not put up a wall. If you're starting to feel the same way about this relationship as your last relationship, tell him before it becomes too big of an issue that you can't get past.

You are an incredible, giving, beautiful woman. I'm sure he knows that, but it doesn't hurt to remind him of what he has. You've been a wonderful support system for him, but you're not an object to lean upon. You have wants and needs too, and it's ok to want more. If he blows up or gives you radio silence for being open and honest to him, then he doesn't deserve you. Don't let him being a bawbag make you feel small and question yourself. You're in the right dear.

Email or FB message me! I'm here for you dearest!

[merlinkitty]

Whatever you do, do not put up a wall. If you're starting to feel the same way about this relationship as your last relationship, tell him before it becomes too big of an issue that you can't get past....Don't let him being a bawbag make you feel small and question yourself. You're in the right dear.

Bahahaha "bawbag" lol anyway

Thank you so much honey bunny it's been a rough few weeks and I'm getting exhausted, I think I was going to say that I was going to "try" and keep the wall down, but then I remembered Yoda. "Do or do not. There is no try." lol

I have to remember that we're friends no matter what. I'm going to try and be there for him the best I can, but I'm not going to be crapped on either. Been there, done that. Love him, though That I do know

[rhabdoviridae]

Here is the minimum of what I want to know from him:
1. Where do we stand?
2. Does he still want to meet?
3. Where do we go from here?

You've broken this down perfectly and you need to ask him these questions directly. Communicate! I know you must be feeling like you need to be on the defensive but I think snapping at people when under extreme stress is pretty normal behavior, even if it's not desirable. I know I get snippy with my husband when I'm tired, cranky, hangry, have had a bad day, etc. And I always recognize that I'm being that way, even when I don't want to be because I love him dearly. So I apologize at the time ("Ugh, I know I'm being really snippy right now, sorry") and then again more sincerely when I'm through whatever is causing the problem. No, it's not fair for him to take it out on you but I think you need to pluck up the courage to at least talk to him about it.

As for the manipulative business, I'll be frank: I find people who need constant reassurance, or those with very low self-esteem, can more easily come across as manipulative than otherwise. It has to do with drawing out another person to feed your insecurity and soothe you; this is totally fair in a relationship (we all want to feel loved, beautiful, etc) but only to a point. It may be that he feels stretched to breaking with his family's needs and he cannot emotionally handle helping his family and the needs that you have that stem directly from your insecurity. This probably came out way more harsh than I intend it to be, but I think recognizing that he now has two parties instead of just you to pour himself into is a pretty fair reason to be frazzled.

My suggestion would be to bring up your questions, express your support for him and then bring up the idea that while he's under great stress, he can't always be snapping at you. Maybe that means helping him take some of the load off his plate (can you buy him groceries? do his laundry? drop off the dry cleaning?) but it may mean that you guys need a little space while he sorts things through with his family.

Good luck

[merlinkitty]

No, it's not fair for him to take it out on you but I think you need to pluck up the courage to at least talk to him about it.

I think you're right. I'm taking this week to get my thoughts in order with the help of you all and some friends. I'm honestly a little nervous because he's a mass of walking contradictions right now, but I think I need reconcile myself to being okay with what he says no matter what it is. I can't fear this. I've never had trouble talking to him before. This is new to me, goes against everything he's ever told me, and I don't particularly like how it feels.

As for the manipulative business, I'll be frank: I find people who need constant reassurance, or those with very low self-esteem, can more easily come across as manipulative than otherwise. It has to do with drawing out another person to feed your insecurity and soothe you; this is totally fair in a relationship (we all want to feel loved, beautiful, etc) but only to a point. It may be that he feels stretched to breaking with his family's needs and he cannot emotionally handle helping his family and the needs that you have that stem directly from your insecurity. This probably came out way more harsh than I intend it to be, but I think recognizing that he now has two parties instead of just you to pour himself into is a pretty fair reason to be frazzled.

Thank you for being frank with me I've done some research of "psychological/emotional manipulation" but I think you've described it best I can absolutely see how aspects of my behavior can affect him and how it can be perceived as manipulative by him I don't think that I'm constantly needing reassurance from him, especially during the time leading up to this, but I do know his behavior has kicked in some really nasty emotions on my part and led to some behaviors (needing reassurance, etc) that I could have probably done without.

Obviously the situation is a little complicated where family is concerned. I think they're the ones that are ultimately manipulating him, especially the brother where he can't tell him that he needs alone time because he's afraid that he might upset him, but I'm coming to a place where I know I have to accept what he accepts. Or, I guess, better stated would be, I have to accept the fact that he's ultimately responsible for deciding his path just as much as I am with my own. Which translates to, "if I don't agree with the path he is taking, I don't have to walk it with him." I guess that's another piece I'm having to reconcile. What to do if he decides to chose his family over his own wellbeing, which they are having a decided affect on by his own admission.

My suggestion would be to bring up your questions, express your support for him and then bring up the idea that while he's under great stress, he can't always be snapping at you. Maybe that means helping him take some of the load off his plate (can you buy him groceries? do his laundry? drop off the dry cleaning?) but it may mean that you guys need a little space while he sorts things through with his family.

Good luck

I'm going to take a little more space and time to work through this in my head. He's a little too far to offer him the help you suggest, and he's been very resistant to much of anything recently. The other day we were talking and he made a comment, "you know you can ask me anything" and then followed it up a few hours later with a comment that I asked "silly questions" because I didn't know he wasn't home and not near a faucet. These are the kinds of issues I'm running up against. A piece of me is doing what I feel is inevitable if he doesn't talk to fully, openly, and calmly like two adults should be able to do. I won't live a life dedicated to confused and contradictory exclamations from a guy that I have so fully respected up to this point in time.

I really appreciate everything you've said, even the stuff you thought was harsh I can handle a little rough truths, but not prolonged rough treatment

[MirandaBishop]

Goodness, merlinkitty, we are a bit similar. I feel as though I'm reading things I would write. Though I cannot advise you in this capacity I can give you something I have learned from experience. I have 'treaded lightly' when I thought it would help, but it can also hinder. I believe in using logic and intuition to best make decisions. So while I must pause to breathe and decide what to say next and when, may I suggest that you breathe and and then communicate as well. While I understand the power of timing, I have actually found that I was respected more, by boyfriends as well, for simply being forthcoming and straight forward. The only real problem I run onto is HOW exactly to say something and What words to use as that is based on the unique and individual nature of every relationship.

You have truly made me smile very much tonight. I think I will go to bed on this note and tomorrow I know I will have more clarity. I hope you do as well. <3

[MirandaBishop]

Please keep us informed as I hate when someone makes me feel like I'm asking a stupid question...because there are none. I'm genuinely interested in this post of yours.

[merlinkitty]

You have truly made me smile very much tonight. I think I will go to bed on this note and tomorrow I know I will have more clarity. I hope you do as well. <3 ....Please keep us informed as I hate when someone makes me feel like I'm asking a stupid question...because there are none. I'm genuinely interested in this post of yours.

Haha thanks MirandaBishop! I've been chit chatting up some people and doing a lot of soul searching lately. I think I know the answer to the question I've been asking myself and don't really like it I would definitely love to hear your thoughts. Even if this doesn't go any further than it has already, I've still got him as a long distance friend that I would like to keep, which means I'm going to have to talk to him about this at some point

<3!!

[TheBoss]

The great thing about this forum is that people take a huge amount of time to respond properly to posts so there isn't much for myself to add (and that's a good thing!)

What I will do is emphasise the importance of what an earlier response advised - you need to ask him those three questions as directly as you typed them here. Of course, you know this relationship better than anyone here so how/when you do that is at your discretion but without asking those questions, you simply won't have those answers - they won't just appear, unfortunately. They are important questions for anyone in a serious relationship and you should in no way feel 'silly' for asking them.

Hope it all works out!

[merlinkitty]

The great thing about this forum is that people take a huge amount of time to respond properly to post

I really do appreciate everyone who's taken the time on this. Even for just reading it.

I've taken a great deal of time to consider how to approach this situation. Earlier today he text me after having not spoken for another couple days. Wifi is an issue, so Skyping is a luxury. Since calling can get expensive, our communication is mostly via text. I did ask to call today. And he didn't respond. I was so incredibly upset at this point I settled on writing a letter. On my way to the post, he texts me back to tell me he's finally free for the day. -_-

So we spoke for a good couple hours today. Moral of the story is communication. Omg I've been stressed out over almost nothing. A lot of the information I was feeding off of was quickly changing, but I didn't know because he was so busy he wouldn't text. Add to the fact that we had the initial argument both of us were feeling touchy about what we said, how we responded, and that's where his snapping was coming from. We discussed everything I brought up in this thread and the blog. Freaking A I feel so much better. You all have helped so much in various ways.

I told him I didn't like the silly questions comments, he apologized repeatedly and profusely for his lack over the last few weeks and discussed what we can do better in the future to avoid this. He explained his manipulative comments and said that he should have explained this and failed to, but that he doesn't attach any negative connotation to the word. He was incredibly sorry for the hurt and confusion he'd caused by this misunderstanding and not taking the time to explain himself. We talked about how I can improve my communication with him, as well. As always, with both of us, it's a work in progress.

We had quite a few giggles over the things that we've sent to each other over the last year and some change, with all the emotions that get tangled up in these things. But most importantly, we talked it through and are seeing things on the same level again. He's been incredibly busy trying to get some business in his life squared away. He's picking himself over all the others in his life, which is what I wanted him to do in the first place I just asked him not to forget to touch base every so often