What to do....

[lostlover]

Hello. First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post here. It's going to be long and hopefully not repetitive but it will sum up what's happened.

A few key points (although many may not see them as significant, they may understand as the story unfolds why they are more significant to me):
1) There is a 17 year age gap between myself and my SO. I am a mature 22 year old and he is a mature 39 year old.
2) His Background - (As I can protect my SO's identity on this site I shall mention details) - He was abused when he was a child and at first opportunity, joined the army. He spent approximately 16 years in the army as a Captain. He has served abroad and has lost very close friends and men he has charged. As a result of this, he has post traumatic stress and depression. Regardless of this background he left the army 8 years ago and became a Nurse (of which he is incredible at).
3) My Background - I shall not go into much detail about myself, just that I have been through similar situations as himself (abuse). I also have a chronic health condition and my mother suffers with a degenerative condition. In regards to life experience for my age, I am frequently told I am far beyond my years and perhaps it is due to my necessity to grow up fast and fed for myself from a young age. I am a student nurse on a gap year and due to finish my studies in 2016.

Ok so quickly summing up the obvious, me and SO met randomly whilst working in the same hospital. We clicked from the word go, were flirting and he made me laugh more than I believed anyone could. We swapped numbers and decided to meet up. From that moment, it was clear we were both very intense people. We spent our first official time together walking along a beach talking about what we wanted to do in our lives, what we'd already done and why. I knew that life experience wise he was well rounded and more mature than myself, he'd already done some incredible things in his life and I was deeply interested in every word that was being spoken. I was captivated with this man. The more we met up the more I realised how perfect he was in my eyes. He made me laugh, he was intellectual and understood me, he was challenging (in a good manner), caring, attractive and had charisma. He ticked every box. Every time we kissed I felt like I was floating away I was so lost in the moment - the kind where a kiss beats ANY form of intimacy or affection you've ever experienced - that's how I felt when I simply kissed him. We then began 'making love' and it appeared as though we were progressing as a couple (we certainly acted like one). I never assumed we were a couple but we were talking about making commitments together etc.

Then suddenly things changed slightly. It was very subtle but I noticed he was on his phone a lot more and then the lies began. We'd arrange to go out for a meal, he'd get a text and suddenly he'd say he would have a meeting with the army reserves (I saw a message pop up on his phone from another female asking what time he was going over). On one occasion I came over to his and there was a bottle of rose wine half empty on the floor and a hair piece lying around (note that when I walked through the door and saw it he quickly grabbed them both and threw them into another room). Please note that at this stage we were not officially in a relationship. I'd made my feeling clear and told him that I really like him and we were basically seeing each other (going out for meals, me staying over at his lots, intimacy, making plans etc). Regardless of what I was aware of, I turned a blind eye to these red flags (which made me realise that I was infatuated with him to start with now that I look back).

[lostlover]

Continued....

He had applied for a job to work in Africa for a year and was offered the position. By this point in time I'd just finished my first year at University and I was waiting to return to my studies. We were 'making love' one day and afterwards he suddenly came out and said that he wasn't sure what he wanted and didn't think he was ready to be in a relationship but that he really likes me. He stated that he was going to use his time in Africa to get his head together and work out what he wanted. Reluctantly and painfully I accepted his decision (more painfully that he did it after we'd just had sex). Regardless of this, I still helped him get everything together for his new journey and as he'd asked, I drove him to the airport. Before he left he told me that he did not want to go, that he didn't want to leave me and knew he'd miss me. I encouraged him to do what was best for him and explained how incredible the experience would be for him. Before he left I handed him a letter to read when he was ready. A letter that I stated needed no reply but that I needed him to understand exactly how I felt about him. I put my heart out on my sleeve that day.

Whilst away he would contact me regularly via skype mainly. He proceeded to tell me how much he misses me and wishes I was there with him. So, he then tells me they were looking for a senior carer and he had recommended me. I was contacted and faced a hard decision deciding whether to take a gap year out of university and travel to Africa and work over there or whether to continue with my studies here. My SO had only encouraged me about how good the experience will be for me and that he'd be out there so we could make the most of the time and experiences over there. I knew that if I hadn't have gone to Africa, I would have eventually moved on from him, however I also knew that me going to Africa would also make or break us and if I wanted to give us a chance I had to take the jump. Well after some grueling pro and cons lists I decided to go over the Africa and thus 10 days after he'd landed, I had landed. Greeted with a large kiss and hug on my landing I believed I had made the right decision and was excited about what was to come.

Anyhow, a few days of me being there I discovered an application form of his which had the details of another woman as his next of kin of which he put her down as his girlfriend. Furious, I confronted him and he gave me very legitimate but frustrating answers (stated that he couldn't put me down as he'd recommended me professionally and that he needed to put someone down so put his friend down). As I was young and vulnerable in a third world country and he was the only person I knew, I decided to let it go. I couldn't prove either way the intentions of that form and it wasn't worth me putting myself through anymore pain or risk to my safety. As the time progressed he was talking about this woman more often and was informing me of his frustration with her. Although he tried to hide it, I knew he had feelings for her otherwise the small details wouldn't frustrate him so much. She was very unsupportive of his decision to go to Africa and I gave my advice to him objectively. How on earth I managed to contain my emotions and tell him how silly can he be he needs to realise what he's got in front of him. Instead I objectively advised him which involved me giving an insight into why she may have been behaving the way she was (pretty much helping her!). Anyway shortly afterwards he completely cut ties with her and completely opened up to me.

We had an incredible time in Africa together, done some pretty amazing things and I built up experience that is irreplaceable. Africa brought me and my SO together and my SO believes he fell in love with me whilst we were over there. We were inseparable and we became an official couple.

Now I know what you're probably all thinking now - you were an option. He kept me at arms length because he didn't know WHO he wanted. It wasn't about what he wanted. At the time I was naive and did not think in that manner. It was only recently when I looked back that I realised exactly what I was and how horrible that made me feel.

But the plot thickens. Due to circumstances I had to return home after 4 months out there. My SO unexpectedly told me that he was joining me and returning home when I did (he was due to stay for the whole year). As I had access to the internet he asked me to check his emails for his flight details. I know what I did next was unacceptable but my gut was telling me something wasn't right. I searched his emails and stumbled across one to the "other" woman's brother stating that "I can't wait to get back and see ***** and the kids. I cant wait to take ***** down the aisle, if she'll still have me". As you can imagine my heart shattered, I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to scream. The day I was due to leave I discover this. Please note this email was written which him and her were still talking, so at the beginning on the Africa trip.

Once we'd returned home I confronted him about what I had found and he completely broke down. Told me that he didn't want to lose me, that he loves me and he will never do anything to hurt me again. He stated it was previously before things changed and before he knew the real me and fell in love with me. As this had all been prior, I decided to again let it slide and give him another chance. This unfortunately began rattling my trust for him.

Months passed and one day he proposed to me. I said yes. A few days later I stumbled across emails to a completely different girl whereby she'd send naked pictures and he had done the same in return. Completely unacceptable. This happened on another occasion also. I then decided to confront him about it, I ended our engagement but he convinced me that he would never hurt me again and I stayed with him. I told him that I'd let him know when I'm ready for progression within our relationship (proposal etc) as I'd need to work on building back up the trust that had been destroyed and he'd need to prove to me that it is me he really wants. The excuse he gave for this behaviour is that we were going through a really rocky patch in our relationship and he made a mistake and was dealing with it in the wrong way. I made him aware it was unacceptable behaviour and that he isn't to hurt me like that again. He agreed not to.

Unfortunately the damage was done. The trust was destroyed and it didn't matter how fantastic our relationship was, I'd still worry when he would get a text. I'd question the places he'd go and the things he would be doing. It's taken me about 6 months to stop thinking about the mistakes he's already made and the pain he's already caused.

As I am at University, I cannot relocate until I've qualified in a few years. He has exhausted all of this job options anywhere locally (complicated story) and as a result has just accepted a position about 2 1/2 hours drive from me. The position requires him to relocate of which he will be doing next week. I've supported him the whole time and encouraged him to do what is best for him and what he needs to do. I understand that he will have to work away regardless. He is reluctant to leave me and has told me he's very torn because he doesn't want to lose me and he still wants this big future with me. He has made significant effort to express this to me and states how he will visit me as much as possible and I, him. He also claims this will only be until I graduate where we will then reassess our situation and decide where we want to be etc (of which we've spoken about it great detail previously). I expressed my concerns but decided that we won't know until we try. I'll have to address the trust demons either way if we are going to work long distance.

On the depression side of things - he goes into states. He's had one major one with me in the last month or so and he completely destroyed me. He cut nearly all contact. When I opened up emotionally he would be completely unresponsive. No affection, no intimacy, nothing. At the time I didn't know he was in an 'episode' -it has only been in the last week or so that he's come out of it and he explained that he gets no warnings and he isn't aware of how he treats anyone when he's that bad. He apologised for the way he treated me when I explained that he destroyed me and made me feel unworthy, unloved and like rubbish. I couldn't eat, I isolated myself - I was forced into a bad place by him. He has told me that he will always go through stages like that and that it will never change. We had a very intense discussion about it all and he said that he doesn't want to hurt me and he understands if I leave because of his depression but that he doesn't want me to leave and doesn't want to lose me. I can quite honestly say I never want to feel the way he made me feel when he was depressed again. If I had warning, I'd know when to back away and give him space and time but it's usually too late and the pains already been caused - as he isn't aware himself he's said he cannot give me warning i'll just happen. That's given me a lot to think about. I told him that I will stand by him and that I won't leave him because of his depression. I love him and I wouldn't let that ruin us. It must be something that one gets used to over time?

[lostlover]

Continued.....

I feel that I am slowly getting there. I no longer feel the need to snoop but more so because I've finally understood that if he is going to cheat, he'll do it. I have no control over it. It doesn't matter if we live together or we're 100000 miles apart. The part that bugs me is that I don't like being deceived. After the background of our relationship, he has deceived me. I'm believe that if you feel the need to hurt the ones you love, you need to let them go. You need to be open and honest about how you feel and if you aren't happy. I don't believe in cheating, lying or deceiving. I'd rather he was open and honest and told me the truth than to hear lies out of him either trying to protect me or trying to have the best of both worlds. You give yourself wholly to someone or not at all. As much as I know he loves me and I know he wants a future with me, he has made mistakes that I suffer for, every single day. It's hard to believe that he isn't capable of doing it to me again.

So - Thank you for reaching the end. I'm not sure how you'll be thinking or feeling after you've read that but I actually really needed to get this down somewhere and hopefully have some outsiders shed some incite into what they think and would do.

This is the first time I've addressed the issues raised in Africa etc objectively and it has opened my eyes up to the pain I went through at the beginning of our relationship. It may not read like it or appear like it but I have let go of the issues at the beginning. The more recent picture problems (happened last about 4 months ago) the trust issue is still lingering. Forgiven but not forgotten.

I can already imagine the pain of him being away like this and I really want to give us a try and see if we can make it work. I just feel that the struggle is going to be very difficult for me because of the trust issues.

It isn't just me and my life I'm worried out. I don't want to hold him back either. He wants to settle down and have kids and a family etc and I do too, however he's already said that time scale matters for him due to his age which I've always understood - I love him so much and I dont want to risk ruining his chances of having all that he wants if he could meet someone else and possibly find happiness. He's always said he wants and sees himself having these things with me and that I'm being daft but actually I'm also being realistic. I'm not ready to have a family with someone whom I don't trust and I'm a long way off building all that trust and security back up. That wouldn't be fair on me, him or the baby/children.

Please feel free to share any thoughts you may have.
Thank you again.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Not sure what you are asking, what you need from us here. Do you have a specific question or concern?

[Sanja]

It seems to me that you don't really trust him, and I can see why from your description of the way he treated you. Ultimately, you have to decide if him hurting you is something you can get over. As I read your post, it looks like you are still hurt by his actions. If it's something that will continue to bother you, you need to really think about and reevaluate the relationship with this man. If there is no trust, you should consider moving on with your life. No sense of spending every day thinking whether he is or will do something to hurt you again.

[whatruckus]

I don't know what your question is, but in my experience being with someone for 5 years who did similar things as your SO: Get out. Now.

Just because you feel "kinda" safe with him right now, and "sort of" trust him, it means nothing. This man has problems that you, nor any woman, will be able to fix. He will keep using you as a back up plan, since you already proved to him you'd take him back every time. So while he's out having his fun, messing around, once he gets bored, he can come back to you any time he can.

It'll be really hard to get over something like this, as I'm still trying to overcome this kind of hurt and dishonesty, almost 2 years later, while I'm happy with my current SO.

Leave him be. Don't contact him anymore, and if you do, keep it strictly platonic.

He is using you, sweet heart.

[squeeker]

So I felt compelled to read it through the end, even though it was long and I may not have taken it all in completely. I apologize if my answer is unhelpful. I felt compelled to read it through the end because my boyfriend also has PTSD, he almost joined the military (he did some of the pre army training or something but thankfully got out), but he had previous childhood traumas before the military. Though we have a much smaller age cap (1 year 4 months).

I just wanted to say this because I know PTSD is horrible condition.. as well as any other mental health conditions as well. We both have anxieties but he has more extreme ones because of his past. But thankfully my SO has never done anything to make me not trust him. Though my SO could have so easily went down a completely different pathway in life than he did. Thankfully he found out some truths that he had been lied about previously and was strong enough to make the decision that he wanted to be different.. but not everyone does that. If someone is going to change they have to want to change. So, from my perspective, I see that it would be hard to rebuild trust with someone who betrayed it multiple times, especially if they are not making obvious efforts to change.

I think that you will have to reevaluate your relationship and just take things reallly slow right now as you figure things out and rebuild the trust. It'll probably take awhile. Also I think for the good of your relationship the guy should try and get some counselling or therapy or something because he needs to find better ways to sorting out his problems, thoughts, and taking control of his anxiety, other than hurting the ones he loves or trying to maintain multiple relationships or lying or whatever he was doing. He needs to show that he is willing to change.

And I think its a good idea to take things slow, if you continue the relationship at all! Because it might be that he will never change. And he might just be using you. So for your own health, it is better to get out of this kind of situation sooner rather than later.

But then again I don't know the story. Just be careful and go slowly if you feel you want to continue the relationship more.

[lostlover]

Not sure what you are asking, what you need from us here. Do you have a specific question or concern?

It was more than I was venting. If anyone had any opinion or thought on the matter I would welcome and accept it. The main concern I have here is the issues with the trust.

It seems to me that you don't really trust him, and I can see why from your description of the way he treated you. Ultimately, you have to decide if him hurting you is something you can get over. As I read your post, it looks like you are still hurt by his actions. If it's something that will continue to bother you, you need to really think about and reevaluate the relationship with this man. If there is no trust, you should consider moving on with your life. No sense of spending every day thinking whether he is or will do something to hurt you again.

I am still hurt by his actions. I feel that the new distance between us is is likely to make things a lot harder regarding the trust.
I do see where you are coming from in your last sentence.

I don't know what your question is, but in my experience being with someone for 5 years who did similar things as your SO: Get out. Now.

Just because you feel "kinda" safe with him right now, and "sort of" trust him, it means nothing. This man has problems that you, nor any woman, will be able to fix. He will keep using you as a back up plan, since you already proved to him you'd take him back every time. So while he's out having his fun, messing around, once he gets bored, he can come back to you any time he can.

It'll be really hard to get over something like this, as I'm still trying to overcome this kind of hurt and dishonesty, almost 2 years later, while I'm happy with my current SO.

Leave him be. Don't contact him anymore, and if you do, keep it strictly platonic.

He is using you, sweet heart.

Hello. Firstly, sorry that you have been in a similar situation and I'm glad to hear you are no longer with the same person.

I do admittedly agree that he is unlikely to change. In the sense that with his depression and PTSD he's already admitted that this will never change and it is something I shall either have to accept or not (his words). I also have my doubts that he will change his behaviour in regards to other women. I do however, believe that people make mistakes and deserve chances but I'm unsure how far I should allow this man to push me and as previous individuals have said, I will not know if he is deceiving me or not due to the distance.

It's easier said than done, that's the issue and I'm not really 100% sure what I should do.

Thank you for your insight.

So I felt compelled to read it through the end, even though it was long and I may not have taken it all in completely. I apologize if my answer is unhelpful. I felt compelled to read it through the end because my boyfriend also has PTSD, he almost joined the military (he did some of the pre army training or something but thankfully got out), but he had previous childhood traumas before the military. Though we have a much smaller age cap (1 year 4 months).

I just wanted to say this because I know PTSD is horrible condition.. as well as any other mental health conditions as well. We both have anxieties but he has more extreme ones because of his past. But thankfully my SO has never done anything to make me not trust him. Though my SO could have so easily went down a completely different pathway in life than he did. Thankfully he found out some truths that he had been lied about previously and was strong enough to make the decision that he wanted to be different.. but not everyone does that. If someone is going to change they have to want to change. So, from my perspective, I see that it would be hard to rebuild trust with someone who betrayed it multiple times, especially if they are not making obvious efforts to change.

I think that you will have to reevaluate your relationship and just take things reallly slow right now as you figure things out and rebuild the trust. It'll probably take awhile. Also I think for the good of your relationship the guy should try and get some counselling or therapy or something because he needs to find better ways to sorting out his problems, thoughts, and taking control of his anxiety, other than hurting the ones he loves or trying to maintain multiple relationships or lying or whatever he was doing. He needs to show that he is willing to change.

And I think its a good idea to take things slow, if you continue the relationship at all! Because it might be that he will never change. And he might just be using you. So for your own health, it is better to get out of this kind of situation sooner rather than later.

But then again I don't know the story. Just be careful and go slowly if you feel you want to continue the relationship more.

Thank you for your insight.
I'd not been with anyone who has depression and/or PTSD previously and it took me a while to get used to certain aspects of it but I have stood by him when it comes to this and I'm slowly understanding how it affects him etc.
He has tried therapy and counselling and has said neither has worked. He is not willing to go onto medication as he feels he wouldn't be him. I think that this is his decision if he does not want to do it, I shall not force him too but I have suggested all of the above. He told me he has learnt to deal with the hi-s and low-s in his own way and that he can only apologise when he hurts people when he's in these episodes. He'll never get rid or over this and he has openly warned me of that. I don't want this to be what would break us up and this is something I can manage, just not with the added trust problems.

I am very torn.

Perhaps I should just continue with how things are going and see what happens once he's moved.

[squeeker]

Thank you for your insight.
I'd not been with anyone who has depression and/or PTSD previously and it took me a while to get used to certain aspects of it but I have stood by him when it comes to this and I'm slowly understanding how it affects him etc.
He has tried therapy and counselling and has said neither has worked. He is not willing to go onto medication as he feels he wouldn't be him. I think that this is his decision if he does not want to do it, I shall not force him too but I have suggested all of the above. He told me he has learnt to deal with the hi-s and low-s in his own way and that he can only apologise when he hurts people when he's in these episodes. He'll never get rid or over this and he has openly warned me of that. I don't want this to be what would break us up and this is something I can manage, just not with the added trust problems.

I am very torn.

Perhaps I should just continue with how things are going and see what happens once he's moved.

Aww noo. Well that sounds kinda like my boyfriend's dad, he also has mental health issues, some of the same causes as my boyfriend and some are different. He also is resistant to going for therapy or counseling because he said he tried in the past but they didn't work. Actually even my boyfriend went for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in the past and had to stop because he had issues with a family member which forced him to stop, and which messed up his head more. He was able to get into CBT again about a year ago and went for a few sessions, I think they were good for him. Though a lot of issues with PTSD might not ever heal or take a long time to.

I think you are doing the best thing you can do by not forcing him to go for therapy or go on medication because that probably wouldn't work. You might be able to encourage him to go just maybe not too much. Though it's kinda worrying if he doesn't do anything to try and help it and is relying on apologies to go through it. I think one of the best things for people with PTSD might be to be in a calm stable environment, or maybe that's just my boyfriend because he had a really unstable environment as a child. Also I think with PTSD maybe there is a greater need to be in control.. I'm a bit worried about your situation because it sounds like he might be a bit stuck in his ways also being a bit older but he has to want to change to be able to change and also for therapy to be of any benefit probably. Maybe he also needs to have a think about his path in life, and talking to you about it would be nice so you are on the same page.

Just take things slow whatever you do. Don't feel like you HAVE to manage them if they get too much. It's not your responsibility to look after him or be with him. He has to make an effort to sort out his life. Also take some time to think, maybe at least after he's moved, but take some time to think about your feelings. Just take things slow, especially as you want to be sure you can trust him more. It might be difficult ever to trust him again, so you'll have to make the decision whether it's too much. But take your time to decide what's right for you!

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

That's a rough spot to be in, any way you look at it. He has serious psychological issues due to the trauma he has been through, and that perhaps has been a factor in his infidelity, and in turn that has created trust issues for you and made you feel insecure, which is very understandable.

I agree with the posters who have advised you to take it slow. Take it very slow, keep in touch with him as much as you can, but don't rush into anything. Work on your own issues, while he relocates and gets settled into his new surroundings, job, etc. Support him as you can, but take care of yourself, too. Since you will only be a 2 1/2 drive away, perhaps you can plan a visit in a few weeks, or a couple of months, and see how that goes. Then decide what you want after that. Just take it slow.

[lostlover]

Aww noo. Well that sounds kinda like my boyfriend's dad, he also has mental health issues, some of the same causes as my boyfriend and some are different. He also is resistant to going for therapy or counseling because he said he tried in the past but they didn't work. Actually even my boyfriend went for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in the past and had to stop because he had issues with a family member which forced him to stop, and which messed up his head more. He was able to get into CBT again about a year ago and went for a few sessions, I think they were good for him. Though a lot of issues with PTSD might not ever heal or take a long time to.

I think you are doing the best thing you can do by not forcing him to go for therapy or go on medication because that probably wouldn't work. You might be able to encourage him to go just maybe not too much. Though it's kinda worrying if he doesn't do anything to try and help it and is relying on apologies to go through it. I think one of the best things for people with PTSD might be to be in a calm stable environment, or maybe that's just my boyfriend because he had a really unstable environment as a child. Also I think with PTSD maybe there is a greater need to be in control.. I'm a bit worried about your situation because it sounds like he might be a bit stuck in his ways also being a bit older but he has to want to change to be able to change and also for therapy to be of any benefit probably. Maybe he also needs to have a think about his path in life, and talking to you about it would be nice so you are on the same page.

Just take things slow whatever you do. Don't feel like you HAVE to manage them if they get too much. It's not your responsibility to look after him or be with him. He has to make an effort to sort out his life. Also take some time to think, maybe at least after he's moved, but take some time to think about your feelings. Just take things slow, especially as you want to be sure you can trust him more. It might be difficult ever to trust him again, so you'll have to make the decision whether it's too much. But take your time to decide what's right for you!

He will not go to therapy he is adamant it doesn't work and it just brings everything to the surface for him. I can see how it works for some and not for others. I respect his decisions and I respect his honesty in telling me that his depression and PTSD will not change. He has in regards to this matter, laid the cards out on the table and made me aware if I wish to stay with him that it will be something I will have to cope with.

I'm just struggling with the trust issues more than anything. I will stand by him with his depression but I cannot handle other women in our lives etc. This I feel is the key issue here.

Is a man capable of loving someone yet speaking to other women in such a manner - He is not what i'd consider a standard man with his past and background and I fear that he craves the attention from other women and feels that he needs to know he is wanted (possibly due to childhood abuse/neglect?). He has previously told me that I am far more affectionate, loving, clear about my feelings and attraction to him then anyone has ever been and that it isn't because I don't give him enough of that.

He tells me that he wants a family with me and to settle down with me etc and I know what he is like, if he didn't want me around he wouldn't have me around (army thing I believe) he is usually very direct and if I question where we stand he'll state the above and tell me that if he didn't want me I wouldn't be here. Which I respect obviously but I also question if he really means it (due to the times of withdrawal, lack of affection and intimacy)

Ultimately most of the issues in our relationship can be explained by his depression, PTSD, background etc so he could genuinely mean everything he says to me. It's just difficult when actions don't always match words and I seem to often second guess and worry that what if it isn't these things and what if one of the posters above has said - what if he is just using me and looking for someone else behind my back (i'd like to believe it's unlikely because again he wouldn't spend so much time with me and invest in me if he was) but after what happened at the beginning, it's hard not to question it.

That's a rough spot to be in, any way you look at it. He has serious psychological issues due to the trauma he has been through, and that perhaps has been a factor in his infidelity, and in turn that has created trust issues for you and made you feel insecure, which is very understandable.

I agree with the posters who have advised you to take it slow. Take it very slow, keep in touch with him as much as you can, but don't rush into anything. Work on your own issues, while he relocates and gets settled into his new surroundings, job, etc. Support him as you can, but take care of yourself, too. Since you will only be a 2 1/2 drive away, perhaps you can plan a visit in a few weeks, or a couple of months, and see how that goes. Then decide what you want after that. Just take it slow.

It is a very difficult spot to be in. I do also believe he has very severe psychological issues but I've always supported him and if the trust issues weren't there, I wouldn't question the situation I am in - I would hands down stand by him and learn to cope with the episodes of depression etc.

I think you may both be right. Perhaps I should focus on my issues as I'll have to build my life up here away from him and focus on my studies. Support him and allow him time to settle. We plan to visit every few weeks pending upon work and university etc so we'll have to see where that takes us. I'm willing to put in the effort and he states he is also. If we both do what we can, it will either work it or wont. If I cannot get over the trust issues that I have once I have taken my own time to do so, then I may have to walk away for both our sakes. Sometimes to love someone is to set them free and it isn't healthy for me to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I don't trust.

Again, thank you both.

[differentcountries]

This guy has lots of problems. I don't understand what you are getting from spending time with him, you seem upset and sad. Unless he is willing to get some help, I would drop him if I was you. It is not a matter of you trusting him, it is about him needing something to help him grow.

[GuineaPunk]

I'm in the same camp as differentcountries, this man has given you a lot of reasons to hurt, relationships aren't supposed to always be easy but they should make you happy. But of course, I understand that it isn't always that clean cut (if only).

If you are going to continue with the relationship, please just be careful not to let everything slide on the basis of his mental health. Depression does not excuse him on messing around with multiple women at once, and then coming back to you with remorse and empty words time and time again. If he doesn't want to seek help and wants to manage it in his own way, that is his prerogative, but that does not give him the right to be able to do what he wants and walk all over you and get away with it. It can be easy for people to hide behind mental illness as an excuse for their own character flaws, but only if you let them. By the sounds of things you have made some quite drastic choices in order to be with him, and you have forgiven things that many people would find absolutely unforgivable, so now he knows that you are likely to always take him back and he could well emotionally manipulate you to continue to do so. Just be careful.



Disclaimer: I may have come across with a harsh attitude towards mental illness, I do not mean to offend (I know many members on here have depression in their lives). I assure you, I have had plenty of exposure to various forms of mental illness. I have nothing against those with mental illness, only those who use it as a reason for their lack of respect for other people.

[ThePiedPiper]

As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD, I am somewhat insulted that it's being treated as a reason to excuse his behavior. PTSD does not a cheater make, and he will never change when he clearly does not want to. Suffering with PTSD is an affliction no one asks for but you heal from it by wanting to get better and acknowledging the resources you have. Someone who shuts down all resources and refuses change will only become more abusive and use his illness as an excuse. The cheating will not stop and neither will the emotional damage from his depressive episodes. The man who is hurting you now is the man who will hurt you when marriage gets boring or you have a fight or the kids are too much. You need to get out. Now. Or you will always be his second played fiddle.

[lostlover]

This guy has lots of problems. I don't understand what you are getting from spending time with him, you seem upset and sad. Unless he is willing to get some help, I would drop him if I was you. It is not a matter of you trusting him, it is about him needing something to help him grow.

Interesting ideas. Thank you for your opinion again, it gives me something else to consider.

I'm in the same camp as differentcountries, this man has given you a lot of reasons to hurt, relationships aren't supposed to always be easy but they should make you happy. But of course, I understand that it isn't always that clean cut (if only).

If you are going to continue with the relationship, please just be careful not to let everything slide on the basis of his mental health. Depression does not excuse him on messing around with multiple women at once, and then coming back to you with remorse and empty words time and time again. If he doesn't want to seek help and wants to manage it in his own way, that is his prerogative, but that does not give him the right to be able to do what he wants and walk all over you and get away with it. It can be easy for people to hide behind mental illness as an excuse for their own character flaws, but only if you let them. By the sounds of things you have made some quite drastic choices in order to be with him, and you have forgiven things that many people would find absolutely unforgivable, so now he knows that you are likely to always take him back and he could well emotionally manipulate you to continue to do so. Just be careful.



Disclaimer: I may have come across with a harsh attitude towards mental illness, I do not mean to offend (I know many members on here have depression in their lives). I assure you, I have had plenty of exposure to various forms of mental illness. I have nothing against those with mental illness, only those who use it as a reason for their lack of respect for other people.

I completely and utterly agree with you. It has taken me a long time to be able to look back at what has happened between us and think more objectively about it all.
I made some MASSIVE changes to my life to be with him including taking time out of university, travelling halfway across the world, leaving my friends and family (although the experience was incredible and i'd never take it back). Worse of all I trusted him with my heart and look where that has left me - that was the biggest decision I made. I am left now in an awful situation, I've been left with lots of debt from going to Africa that will take me years to pay off and I'll have to work doubly as hard to earn money just to get me through the next two years of university to pay for the debt etc.
I agree that I have also made the mistake of forgiving him for unforgivable actions on more than one occasion and still stood by him. I have got myself into this situation and should have had the strength to stand up for myself earlier on. I will also admit that he probably does emotionally manipulate me and knows exactly what to say. I feel that when I confront him with how I feel and the potential that I'm losing the strength to hold on when he hurts me so badly that he knows I will not leave so it doesn't appear to impact him as much as it would if circumstances were different. Although I cannot take back what has happened, regardless of the outcome with us, I have learnt some valuable lessons from our relationship.
I believe I have a kind heart and I am the type of person who will not walk away from someone until I have given my all to them and I have tried to work through problems, supported and stood by them - until I have nothing left I can give them. Unfortunately for me, this makes me very vulnerable and forgiving, especially when someone is capable of giving believable reasons, even if I know I am going through deep pain that I shouldn't be feeling. I know this makes me weak and that I will not deny.

As someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD, I am somewhat insulted that it's being treated as a reason to excuse his behavior. PTSD does not a cheater make, and he will never change when he clearly does not want to. Suffering with PTSD is an affliction no one asks for but you heal from it by wanting to get better and acknowledging the resources you have. Someone who shuts down all resources and refuses change will only become more abusive and use his illness as an excuse. The cheating will not stop and neither will the emotional damage from his depressive episodes. The man who is hurting you now is the man who will hurt you when marriage gets boring or you have a fight or the kids are too much. You need to get out. Now. Or you will always be his second played fiddle.

I did not mean to offend if it was I that did. I simply was stating the reasons he has and does provide at times when we discuss issues. Sorry if I offended you.

I understand where you are coming from and I do agree that his PTSD should not be used to excuse cheating or other such unacceptable behaviour from the individual. I must also add that I have never been with anyone who experiences severe depression in this way or has PTSD and thus I am honest enough to say it is all a learning curve for me (probably why I have given so many chances that shouldn't have been given because although I researched a little, I didn't know what effect this would have on his behaviour all I know is that when he has a depressive episode, I get hurt - badly).

I actually really appreciate your insight into PTSD and what you deem as unacceptable. It has made me view his behaviour differently and will help me to consider my situation.
I have, over time, come to realise that he will not change, the depression and PTSD will not pass because as you've said, he isn't willing to actively make a change. If he isn't willing to help himself how can I help and support him unless I am sitting on the sidelines with it all. I want to encourage, help and support him but my efforts are very often wasted.

Thank you for your honesty.