Expectations of his use of free time

[Polly]

My boyfriend moved to the States because he was offered a very high paying job, a job that takes up a lot of his time. After several months of being stressed out and having very little free time to himself because of the demands of his job, he is now trying to have a balanced life.

This means we only get to talk once a week on the weekend, although we talk for several hours. Sometimes though it'll be a weekday evening and I'll send him a message and find out he's playing video games online or doing something like seeing a movie. I've been understanding of the fact that he needs personal and social time too or else he would just be stressed or depressed, but I can't help but feel sad when he's doing stuff during the week whether it's staying late for work or having personal time with friends or alone.

I could ask for more time together whether it be a phone call, and some people might say if he loves me he should be able to find 15 mins at the end of the day to call, but I'm not sure if I'm asking for too much. We text every day, during the week, so that's something. And then we talk for several hours on the weekend.

Am I being too understanding? Should I expect him to fit me in to his schedule during the week? He told me several weeks ago he was feeling depressed because his work was keeping him from having a social life, so he's trying to make time to have a social life now. It's just hard for me when we can't spend more time talking during the week with him needing to manage a high pressure demanding job with keeping a social life of his own and then time for us too.

[differentcountries]

I think your first priority should be that your man not get depressed. If he can have more time to himself, and more time with friends, he might become happier.

[Ahava]

Can't you guys talk for 15 mins before going to bed in the evenings or something similar?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Finding the balance is very difficult. Sometimes, you can't plan for as much time together as you would like, with demanding jobs with long hours, household chores, family and friends needing time, distractions and interruptions, and needing alone time. In your case, you do have daily texting, and long phone calls on the weekend. That's more than a lot of people get. But, a 15 minute call at the end of the night, or a goodnight message at bedtime is not unreasonable. Talk to him, tell him what you need, see if you can come to an agreement or some kind of compromise on this.

If you are feeling sad or neglected, maybe you need to find more to occupy your time, when he is busy. Find things that you enjoy doing for yourself. That way you are not pressuring him, or making him feel bad about his life, or guilty for not being able to give you as much attention as you want, and you will have more to talk about when you are with him.

[Moon]

I think your first priority should be that your man not get depressed. If he can have more time to himself, and more time with friends, he might become happier.

I disagree, her first priority should be her own happiness, how can she make someone else happy if she's miserable?

OP, I don't think you're asking too much here. If he has time for friends, game, tv, whatever, then he has a few minutes for you, too. He's being kind of selfish, though depression can do that to you. I don't think he should have to speak to you everyday when he's got a lot going on, but I don't think asking for a short conversation on, say, two weeknights is asking too much.

I get being too understanding, it's something I'm guilty of too sometimes, but I think you need to have a conversation with him, not a confrontational one, but one letting him know that you're sad and lonely too, and talking to him a couple of times a week would do a great deal to improve it. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

Feeling down about not getting heard in the relationship is not the same as being depressed or close to it. I can spot miles away of any of my men is anywhere close to getting depressed, and they have never even used that word about anything they feel. I go over my husband's medical tests and once I actually stopped him from going into a physically related depression, even his own doctor missed that he had serious lack of vitamin D but I spotted it and got him meds. I can tell my boyfriend is sad or seriously down even if he doesn't say a word about it. And I teach them to to similar to me, by my example. While I agree that everyone should take care of their own needs, and also that she needs to voice her needs to him, she should pay attention to it, because when a male workaholic mentions the word depression about himself, chances are he has already been there and bought the t-shirt. With that in mind, she should use her weekend time to discuss how they can help each other make the most out of his limited time. There is no such thing as "too understanding ", truely understanding someone opens up the whole communication and opts for change.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

Well, as someone who has suffered from chronic depression, PTSD, and been suicidal, I can say that you asking for 15 minutes a night or a couple of nights a week shouldn't have an affect on his mental state of being at all. If anything it will remind him how much you care about him.

Short phone calls before he goes to bed shouldn't be a hard for him or affect his mental state. However, I do suggest that when you talk to him about it, make it clear that you just want a little more time with him because you care about him. This will make him feel important to you, which is actually a good thing when someone is depressed. Them feeling important to someone can help them feel better.

I'm just stating my opinion though.

[Polly]

I think the problem is sometimes I feel he doesn't understand my needs while he feels like I don't understand his. One time he told me he sometimes thinks I don't understand how much pressure he's under at work. And I told him I don't think he understands how I feel. He left for a new and exciting place, new routines, new job and although it it is stressful it keeps him busy. Time flies by for him.

I actually have told him before it would be nice for us to talk once or twice a week for a few minutes and for a couple of weeks we did that, but then it stopped. It was almost as of he thought, "well now she seems to feel better so I can stop now and get back to my old routine."

Also, when we do talk for a bit on a week night, it's only because I ask him. I only ask when I feel I really need it, when I'm feeling really stressed or sad, but I don't do this often, maybe once a month. I guess what bothers me is how I am the one always initiating the calls. He is never the one who asks "can you spare some time tonight to chat?" It makes me feel like I need him more than he needs me.

Should I not get hung up over who initiates calls and just ask for time whenever I need it? I feel it makes our communication one sided when one person is doing all the asking.

I have to add that this is making me depressed. I do feel neglected and most of the time I convince myself that he does his best, but most of the time I want more.

[Moon]

Feeling down about not getting heard in the relationship is not the same as being depressed or close to it. I can spot miles away of any of my men is anywhere close to getting depressed, and they have never even used that word about anything they feel. I go over my husband's medical tests and once I actually stopped him from going into a physically related depression, even his own doctor missed that he had serious lack of vitamin D but I spotted it and got him meds. I can tell my boyfriend is sad or seriously down even if he doesn't say a word about it. And I teach them to to similar to me, by my example. While I agree that everyone should take care of their own needs, and also that she needs to voice her needs to him, she should pay attention to it, because when a male workaholic mentions the word depression about himself, chances are he has already been there and bought the t-shirt. With that in mind, she should use her weekend time to discuss how they can help each other make the most out of his limited time. There is no such thing as "too understanding ", truely understanding someone opens up the whole communication and opts for change.

Oh yes, there most certainly is. You are absolutely "too understanding" when you let yourself get walked over because you don't want to pressure someone, or stress them further. When you yourself are a mess because you won't open your mouth in order to protect someone else over a long period, that's definitely too understanding. You are too understanding when your SO never speaks to you because he's busy with video games, because work "stresses him out". Work stresses almost everyone out. You are too understanding when you aren't "voicing your needs to him". I'm glad you're an expert on depression, as in all other things, but this girl is being "too understanding".

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I think the problem is sometimes I feel he doesn't understand my needs while he feels like I don't understand his. One time he told me he sometimes thinks I don't understand how much pressure he's under at work. And I told him I don't think he understands how I feel. He left for a new and exciting place, new routines, new job and although it it is stressful it keeps him busy. Time flies by for him.

I actually have told him before it would be nice for us to talk once or twice a week for a few minutes and for a couple of weeks we did that, but then it stopped. It was almost as of he thought, "well now she seems to feel better so I can stop now and get back to my old routine."

Also, when we do talk for a bit on a week night, it's only because I ask him. I only ask when I feel I really need it, when I'm feeling really stressed or sad, but I don't do this often, maybe once a month. I guess what bothers me is how I am the one always initiating the calls. He is never the one who asks "can you spare some time tonight to chat?" It makes me feel like I need him more than he needs me.

Should I not get hung up over who initiates calls and just ask for time whenever I need it? I feel it makes our communication one sided when one person is doing all the asking.

I have to add that this is making me depressed. I do feel neglected and most of the time I convince myself that he does his best, but most of the time I want more.

It really doesn't matter who makes the first effort to communicate. The point is that if one of you doesn't make a move, there will be no communication. Chances are he gets busy and distracted, or so zoned in with his games, that he doesn't notice time going by. A friendly chat message or call from you might be the reminder he needs once in a while, that you have needs, too, and that you are in this together. By all means, talk to him and let him know how you feel, and ask him for the "more" that you need from him.

[conejita_hada]

Ask him again to start short calls during the week, if you need that for yourself. He might be under stress with his job but still including you in his daily life is necessary.
With my own SO, I'm the one who doesn't need as much phone contact. I love hearing his voice and it helps me sleep better to have chatted with him but for some reason I just don't think about it until he asks. He always is the one to ask, I'm not sure how that makes him feel, but it does help in getting more phone time for us (since I wouldn't think of it until the weekend). "Who" initiates the phone call shouldn't matter, it's that the couple are actively communicating.

[Polly]

Thank you all for the advice! I think whenever I want some face time, I'll just ask. I think part of the reason why I hesitate to ask is because I don't want him to think I'm needy, but it's true 15 mins at the end of the day once or twice a week isn't being needy.

I have this problem where I find it hard to ask for things. I need to work on that.

[rhabdoviridae]

I see both sides to this. It's important to find a compromise that does something for both of you. Maybe you chat a little more frequently during the week by planning nights that you will talk so that he can schedule around that. For example, you talk Tues/Ths/Sun and he can go out on other nights. Or if he really wants to go out on a night that you usually talk, he can call later or reschedule to the next night.

It's important that you be flexible too, though. It is important that he get to have a social life, or even just his own personal down time. When I'm dead tired, really stressed, etc, I feel distracted or mopey and the conversation usually reflects that. When I'm well rested or have been able to cope with my stress by reading, going to dinner with friends, whatever have you, I have lots to talk about and it's always a good conversation.

You might also want to look into time fillers for yourself, as it sounds like you might not have as much going on to keep your mind off missing him. Frequently, the "new life" of the the one doing the "leaving" in an LDR (moving away) gets romanticized. I'm the "leaver" in my relationship and I promise you, it's not some wonderful time where I never think about my SO and everything is so new and cool and fresh that I don't feel lonely. We leavers face similar challenges with keeping busy with the added stress of having to find new friends (and the social obligations that come with meeting new people), adjusting to a new workplace, maybe a new culture or subculture, etc. Our core (family, old friends, SO) is far away. Focus on keeping yourself busy and it should help.

[Moon]

Thank you all for the advice! I think whenever I want some face time, I'll just ask. I think part of the reason why I hesitate to ask is because I don't want him to think I'm needy, but it's true 15 mins at the end of the day once or twice a week isn't being needy.

I have this problem where I find it hard to ask for things. I need to work on that.

I have the same problem, that's why I can say you're too understanding, I completely get it It's OK, there are worse things to be. I hate asking for things from anybody.