He wants me back but should i?

[Gingerlyme]

Hey guys,

I have been out of this forum for a month or so after my ex broke up with me.
we were together for a while before he got caught up with "the grass was greener" syndrome and blamed it all on distance. He met someone new a month before he broke up with me, through mutual friends i know he never dated her or started a physical relationship with that girl. he was in the getting to know her phase.

he broke up with me a week before i went to visit, he wanted to give me a choice to visit or not to.
i still went and even then or before that, he didnt tell me about this girl giving the "i didnt want to hurt you" excuse. --> i found out during the trip through a mutual friend.
so the weekend that i went to see him from a 10hour flight, it was basically miserable. i knew he didnt want to give me "hope" by being overly friendly, but it showed me a lot that i didnt see before.

the past month after the breakup, i have been pretty happy. i have my bad days where i would be very tempted to check up on him or check his facebook profile but i didnt. I would check my phone to see if he texted me the first week or so but afterwards i was good and have moved on from the breakup. i never once broke non-contact for more than a month. I obviously still miss him and care about him.

So a couple days back he texted me on how i was doing and he [has been thinking about me].
He texted me again today to ask if i would be open to having a skype chat with me because he had things to say.
I agreed and we talk for over an hour.

He told me he missed me and regrets the decisions he made. He could not have been a bigger fool because he knew now what he lost and i was so good to him and he appreciates how much i have done for him. He claimed he was an idiot for entertaining the idea of another girl and it is a first for him to be in that situation and he would not make that mistake again. He realized while getting to know her that it all felt wrong and he knew he made a huge mistake. He said that when he mentioned before that i was the perfect girlfriend and didnt do anything wrong, that he really meant it. He got caught up in the whole situation and the distance did not help. When he drove me to the airport to catch my flight back, he cried on his drive home from the emotions he felt that he didnt think would affect him. He said he has been thinking about me and the things that he done for the past couple weeks and finally dared to talk to me again not wanting to regret not even trying to reach out to me (we agreed to non-contact until we are both ready, moved on and be friendly).

One of the reasons he called was also because i would 90% be moving to his country but a different state, i would be an hour flight away. He wanted to see where my feelings were and if i was open to starting again, he knows i am not going to get back together immediately. but be open to the idea of being friends first and see if i can forgive him and see changes in him before seeing where we can take this.

I told him, the distance factor would still be there even though it would be dramatically decreased. And i am still doubtful for a lot of things, his actions and his emotional baggage and his overall immaturity to relationships.
We both were out of relationships for 2years before we got together and was never physical with anyone during that period or this breakup period.

what should i do? should i move on, or give him a second chance?
Im scared, he hurt me real bad the first time round, i truly loved and care for him and i dont want to go through that pain again.

Please i need to hear from you guys who has advice or past experience.

[Sanja]

None of us can tell you what to do, as we don't know your ex or your relationship past what you have shared on the forum. We can, however, offer an opinion. That being said,it's my opinion that you should not go back. If someone truly loves you, they don't easily let go of the good relationship. He hurt you, and now you get to decide if that is something you can forgive him for. Do what you think is best for you. Good luck!

[lilspitfire]

we were together for a while before he got caught up with "the grass was greener" syndrome and blamed it all on distance. He met someone new a month before he broke up with me, through mutual friends i know he never dated her or started a physical relationship with that girl. he was in the getting to know her phase.

he broke up with me a week before i went to visit, he wanted to give me a choice to visit or not to.
i still went and even then or before that, he didnt tell me about this girl giving the "i didnt want to hurt you" excuse. --> i found out during the trip through a mutual friend.
so the weekend that i went to see him from a 10hour flight, it was basically miserable. i knew he didnt want to give me "hope" by being overly friendly, but it showed me a lot that i didnt see before.

Can you be sure he won't do it again even with only an hour difference? If he was absolutely sure he loved you; how come he couldn't then? Stay in a relationship despite the miles, but he can now? Sounds like he is a person of convenience. How can you be sure he won't be again?

the past month after the breakup, i have been pretty happy. i have my bad days where i would be very tempted to check up on him or check his facebook profile but i didnt. I would check my phone to see if he texted me the first week or so but afterwards i was good and have moved on from the breakup. i never once broke non-contact for more than a month. I obviously still miss him and care about him.

There seems to be some relieve in this paragraph. Is it stemming from something else?

I think if it were me, I'd have to call it quits. He hid it from you. Then maybe found out you weren't as devastated as he thought and he wants to come back now. I sense he will do it again. Maybe I'm wrong. This is a decision you will have to make completely on your own in the end, but I have a feeling.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Obviously this is just an opinion and I'm not in your shoes and therefore can't say with total certainty what's best.. but I'd also say let him go.

It sounds like you've been handling the breakup really well, and in some ways, that might mean that you know on some level it's for the best. It's natural to miss him sometimes, and to still care about him, but it doesn't mean you don't care or are a bad person if you choose not to get back together.

Also, not saying this is the case with your guy, but sometimes when a guy comes back like this, it's because the other thing didn't work out by the *girl's* choice, and they just spin it to make it sound like it was their decision. It can be a sign that they just can't be alone, and will try to get the previous girl back. And then the same thing happens again shortly down the road.

Personally, I'd leave contact, at least for awhile. If he immediately jumps into something else with a different girl, you'll know he was looking for the path of least resistance for getting back into a relationship. If not, maybe down the road you could broach being friends and taking it one step at a time.

Good luck whatever you choose!

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I actually agree with cutting contact for a while to see what happens. Everyone above had good advice.

But I think what it boils down to, as they stated, what you want to do. If you think things might be different and you want to give him a second chance, then being friends isn't a terrible idea. But just don't rush things. And make him rebuild your trust in him before you truly give him another chance.

And even if you decide not to date him again, there is nothing wrong with you two being friends.

[Gingerlyme]

None of us can tell you what to do, as we don't know your ex or your relationship past what you have shared on the forum. We can, however, offer an opinion. That being said,it's my opinion that you should not go back. If someone truly loves you, they don't easily let go of the good relationship. He hurt you, and now you get to decide if that is something you can forgive him for. Do what you think is best for you. Good luck!

Thank you for replying. Yea, the whole loving someone and still hurt me really stings. I can forgive him because i know deep down he is a good guy and this might honestly be a mistake. but its not like i can forget what happened, i can forgive but i dont know if i will move on from that and give him a second chance.

Can you be sure he won't do it again even with only an hour difference? If he was absolutely sure he loved you; how come he couldn't then? Stay in a relationship despite the miles, but he can now? Sounds like he is a person of convenience. How can you be sure he won't be again?


There seems to be some relieve in this paragraph. Is it stemming from something else?

I think if it were me, I'd have to call it quits. He hid it from you. Then maybe found out you weren't as devastated as he thought and he wants to come back now. I sense he will do it again. Maybe I'm wrong. This is a decision you will have to make completely on your own in the end, but I have a feeling.

Thank you for replying!
That is something that i have to prioritize for sure, the fact that it is still an hour difference and how can i be certain it wont happen again. He has been very apologetic recently, and i have seen active changes and that he is putting in the effort to change. He has been speaking to his mom a lot on what he should do to change and how he can show it. I sound like i have already forgive him, but i am only 40% there. I understand that he is apologetic and he knows he made a huge mistake.
I have been happy because i know i can live without him and i dont know what i can gain from going back to the relationship. I still care about him but like yourself, i have a feeling too that something like this might happen again. I plan on just being friends and taking my time to see if he has really changed.

Obviously this is just an opinion and I'm not in your shoes and therefore can't say with total certainty what's best.. but I'd also say let him go.

It sounds like you've been handling the breakup really well, and in some ways, that might mean that you know on some level it's for the best. It's natural to miss him sometimes, and to still care about him, but it doesn't mean you don't care or are a bad person if you choose not to get back together.

Also, not saying this is the case with your guy, but sometimes when a guy comes back like this, it's because the other thing didn't work out by the *girl's* choice, and they just spin it to make it sound like it was their decision. It can be a sign that they just can't be alone, and will try to get the previous girl back. And then the same thing happens again shortly down the road.

Personally, I'd leave contact, at least for awhile. If he immediately jumps into something else with a different girl, you'll know he was looking for the path of least resistance for getting back into a relationship. If not, maybe down the road you could broach being friends and taking it one step at a time.

Good luck whatever you choose!

Thanks for replying
oh honey, you hit the jackpot. I know for a fact that he couldnt get her but ego is making him say "i didnt want her". i also know that he knows that i cannot be replaced and he is really trying. like i mentioned above to LadyDean, i am not rushing things. like you suggested, i am taking things really slow as friends, if he meets someone else, so be it. I am actively open to dates as well. I am not closing off myself to prospects but i am not closing the door to him either.

I actually agree with cutting contact for a while to see what happens. Everyone above had good advice.

But I think what it boils down to, as they stated, what you want to do. If you think things might be different and you want to give him a second chance, then being friends isn't a terrible idea. But just don't rush things. And make him rebuild your trust in him before you truly give him another chance.

And even if you decide not to date him again, there is nothing wrong with you two being friends.

Thanks for replying
I know cutting contact is a good thing. and we did, for a month and it was time enough for me to heal and get my life back on track. i dont feel blind-sided by his sudden contact and confession, and i certainly am healed enough to not feel like i am being stabbed like i did when the break up was fresh. like everyone said, i am definitely taking it slow and just see things as it is.

[differentcountries]

I think for this relationship to work out, you will have to have a better plan of visits, communicating etc. You way you will be only one hour away, but how often will you be able to visit? My sister is only one hour away by plane, but I still see her only a couple of times a year, because my life is busy and so is hers. Would you have the time and money to see each other a lot? Because then perhaps it would be a different structure to the relationship. I mean, in my relationship with SO, even going from having 8-9 weeks between visits to seeing each other every 3-4 weeks is a huge difference, for instance I find neither of us is as sad about the distance as we used to be.

Have a plan, and as the others said, go slow and make him prove himself, and whatever relationship you have with him let him vooe you as to make a fresh start.