Couples that have yet to meet - curious...

[TheBoss]

Hey, guys.

I've been milling around the forum for a good few months now - think it's a great place on the whole - and thought it was about time I offer more than just the occasional reply.

Really, my post is a question: how would those of you in relationships where you are yet to meet your partner say that you developed confidence in your feelings for your partner? I think there must be a definite difference in dynamic in relationships where partners have physically spent time together and I would be very interested to hear some insight into those who have had this experience as to how you overcome any concerns regarding your relationship when the pair of you do eventually meet - lack of chemistry, difference in expectations, etc. Are these concerns still there? If not, what is it that gives you such confidence in that?

I'd like to make clear that this is in no way a criticism of such relationships - each to their own - it is just a concept that I perhaps struggle to understand, especially as certain couples (and some of yourselves) have gone years without meeting, and I find it very interesting.

Thanks a lot!

[snow]

I don't blame you. Before I got into a relationship like that myself, I never wanted to admit having feelings for someone through the internet would work, but it does.
There is more to a relationship than the physical attraction. I fell in love with my fiance through hours of talking, getting to know how he works and what makes him who he is. We spent countless hours talking to each other on TeamSpeak, hearing each other's words and learning what each tone meant. Then we advanced onto video chat where we spent countless hours learning each other's face and facial expressions. And of course, the conversations we had were pretty deep. When all you have is communication, you communicate and you don't leave out anything. We fell pretty quickly for each other, about 3 months, and connected through similarities that we both had hoped another person could relate to.
Before we met in person, I was afraid we would not click, but he was 100% certain and I think that helped us both. Then we met in person and it was great. We spent 11 days together and at the end of that visit, he decided he wanted to marry me (that was after 10 months of dating), and on my second visit he proposed to me. Sometimes you're just that lucky

[TheBoss]

Thanks for the great reply, Snow! I'm really glad that things clicked once you and your partner were able to meet up and congratulations on being engaged!

I completely agree about there being much more than physical attraction and that can, in part, be attained through sustained communication - especially if you are comfortable enough to talk about very important things. It's just that I perhaps struggle to understand how people can have so much confidence in their relationship when there is, undoubtedly, an element missing and is what is what I was hoping to understand a bit better. With my partner, there is no way we would of even considered a committed relationship before we had met (and we didn't as soon as we did meet, either). However, I acknowledge that I'm fortunate to be in a position where I can spend a decent amount of time with her, especially when reading about some difficult situations here.

Maybe you hit the nail on the head - absolute confidence that you will click. That is a philosophy I apply to much of life and, for the most part, have found it to be true. Perhaps that also draws out another of my curiosities - the risk of spending a huge amount of time and emotion into a dynamic, only for that to inevitably change upon meeting and perhaps discovering that you aren't compatible - dealing with the aftermath of that must be very tough.

Thanks for your insight. I see your partner's in the US - are you going through the motions to pick up a fiancee visa?

[LadyDaemon]

To answer your original question, before I met my husband for the first time we talked on an almost constant basis. We video chatted and talked on skype and Team Speak. We also interacted on the World of Warcraft server we worked on together daily as well as nightly. So, there wasn't really a moment unless one of us was sleeping where we didn't talk or see each other. He always tried his best to make sure that he never lied to me and to make sure I knew everything that was going on no matter what it was. There was no holding back or hiding things between us like there was in my past relationships. We were almost to honest if there really is such a thing lol. We also had a lot in common as far as our values and morals, our wants in life, our hobbies, and we both had same ideas about where we wanted to end up later in life. When you spend so much time with someone and everything just clicks, you have a lot in common, they don't lie or hide things from you, and you build trust it's easy to build confidence in your feelings and your relationship with your partner, at least in my opinion. Will that confidence get shaken sometimes when things happen that aren't so great? Yep. But, it's what you do with it when that confidence gets shaken that counts. Of course, in my case, we had 2 1/2 years of being long distance to build the level of confidence we had in our feelings for each other.

Now to give my opinion of the following:

Perhaps that also draws out another of my curiosities - the risk of spending a huge amount of time and emotion into a dynamic, only for that to inevitably change upon meeting and perhaps discovering that you aren't compatible - dealing with the aftermath of that must be very tough.

Unfortunately, in any LDR there is always a risk that when that day comes where you finally meet your partner that things will not end up or click like either or one of you thought. You can try to make everything between you as close to the r/l thing as you want but often times it will never be exactly in r/l as it is online. There will be habits and things that you'll realize your partner has or ways that your partner looks etc. that will show themselves in r/l where they didn't when you were online. Sometimes it happens because one person has their expectations way to high and when they meet their partner and realize they're pretty average they get all disappointed. I'm not saying everyone is like that, but it happens. The aftermath of something like that happening sucks and can make you have doubts about yourself, but it's not the end of the world and all you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and find someone else that will appreciate you and all your little things more then the last.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think for me, not meeting my boyfriend in the year we have been together have actually made the relationships and feelings stronger, simply from knowing he cares about me enough to do a long distance relationship and not get to see me except through a computer screen.

I have never been the type to really be attracted to someone until I got to know them and developed an emotional connection with the person. So much like snow, I fell in love with him through countless hours of talking and having someone I could open up to and talk about anything with. And I fell even more in love with him as he opened up and I got to see, in a way, a side of him no one else gets to see.

While I have not met my boyfriend, I am 100% sure we will click when I do meet him, simply because we have spent so much time together and already know each other and each others habits and sense of humor. There is always that possibility that we won't I suppose, but I just don't see it happening because I felt like he knows me so well and I him. We can guess what each other are going to say and there isn't much thinking and choosing what to say, for the most part we say what is on our minds. Which is good, because in real life and real time talk, that's how things will be.

Just my little input.

[snow]

Thanks for the great reply, Snow! I'm really glad that things clicked once you and your partner were able to meet up and congratulations on being engaged!

I completely agree about there being much more than physical attraction and that can, in part, be attained through sustained communication - especially if you are comfortable enough to talk about very important things. It's just that I perhaps struggle to understand how people can have so much confidence in their relationship when there is, undoubtedly, an element missing and is what is what I was hoping to understand a bit better. With my partner, there is no way we would of even considered a committed relationship before we had met (and we didn't as soon as we did meet, either). However, I acknowledge that I'm fortunate to be in a position where I can spend a decent amount of time with her, especially when reading about some difficult situations here.

Maybe you hit the nail on the head - absolute confidence that you will click. That is a philosophy I apply to much of life and, for the most part, have found it to be true. Perhaps that also draws out another of my curiosities - the risk of spending a huge amount of time and emotion into a dynamic, only for that to inevitably change upon meeting and perhaps discovering that you aren't compatible - dealing with the aftermath of that must be very tough.

Thanks for your insight. I see your partner's in the US - are you going through the motions to pick up a fiancee visa?

To be honest, I am really happy we clicked. It could have gone wrong, but he was so sure that we were meant for each other that all the little doubts I had about him not liking me were just blown away :P I would have been devastated if it didn't work out between us :P

And yes, we are currently waiting for our fiancee visa :P applied in march

[rhabdoviridae]

Thank you for asking this - I'm curious myself as my SO and I are only "temporarily" (four years, cough) LD but met and dated CD for 6 years. I find that Facetime isn't near the same as real interaction for me personally but obviously it's the best you can get sometimes!

[Moon]

Interesting question, The (not callin' you Boss ).

We waited about 7 months before meeting, though it would have been a lot sooner, but work commitments made it a little longer. For me, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't wait longer, and I'd certainly never wait years, life's too damn short for that. I'm a big believer in meeting within a reasonable amount of time, because you're right, sometimes people just don't have chemistry in person, and that's something I'd need to know before I spent too much time on someone. I will say though, in my years on this forum, most meetings tend to go really well, but we do get the occasional post where it just didn't click. It seems to be pretty uncommon, but it does happen.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think it really depends on the people themselves. Some people hard time connecting with others face to face. And when they meet the person online and are able to establish that conception, it carries on to when they meet the person in real life.

[Moon]

I think it really depends on the people themselves. Some people hard time connecting with others face to face. And when they meet the person online and are able to establish that conception, it carries on to when they meet the person in real life.

As I said, I was talking about myself only. I'm also older and have the money to travel, so waiting for me doesn't make sense.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

As I said, I was talking about myself only. I'm also older and have the money to travel, so waiting for me doesn't make sense.

I wasn't really specifically talking about what you said, because I do agree that waiting years isn't really the best situation because you could be wasting time.

I meant in general, I think it depends on the person, because what I said applied to my aunt who is now happily married for 3 years. She didn't meet her husband for the first 5 years of their relationship.

[snow]

I wonder how many people WANT to wait years to meet their partner. I know of many cases here of couples who waited years, but not because they wanted to, but because they had to.
We waited 10 months and if I had more money and had been able to take time off from work sooner, we would have met sooner.

[Zapookie]

I didn't wait to wait long either. We met about 7 months after being together as well. I gave him an ultimatum at the 4th month because I didn't want to be wasting time - he could man up and come to visit me or we stop talking. He visited, and he was very nervous we wouldn't click IRL. Looking back, he says regrets wasting that time away from me.

[RachelAnne]

we started talking very young --I was 13 and he was 14. obviously us meeting was way out of the question. We talked to each other for years and dated other people, and eventually when we were both 18, we agreed we had feelings for each other and decided to meet the summer before I went off to college.

I knew I had a connection with him very early on. We just clicked with everything, and our personalities and sense of humor are a lot a like. However since we were so young, we both agreed we didn't want to miss out on dating other people and enjoying high school. I guess we didn't consider ourselves "official" until we met for the first time. And I was never really nervous about us working out in real life. I agree that there are things you discover about your SO that you didn't know online--certain quirks about them. Fortunately for us, we connected right away and have been dating for two and a half years.