Desperately Need Advice on LDR

[kara.kelly]

Hi all! My name is Kara and I am brand new to this group and am desperately in need of help in the form of support with dealing with my long distance relationship. A little background story about my relationship: my boyfriend, Christiaan, and I have been together for over 4 and 1/2 years and met our freshman year of college. Throughout our college years Christiaan made trips back to South Africa (where he's from), which usually lasted between 1 and 3 months, but never longer; at times I would even travel with him. However, today he left to go back to South Africa because his student visa expired and he was unable to find work in the US and it is unknown when he will return; possibly 1 or 2 years. This is the longest that he and I will ever be apart and, yes I plan on visiting him and he plans on coming back to the US, but I feel as though a part of my heart is missing and I don't know how to deal with it. How do I deal with not being able to touch him or kiss him any longer? Yes, we will be able to see each other via Facetime and use texts and phone calls, but the hardest thing for me will most likely be the physical part; just having that physical connection.

Is there anyone out there willing to give me some advice? Is there anyone that has gone through the same thing or is, unfortunately, going through the same thing?

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

While I am not going through the same thing I would just like to say stay positive. I know what helps a lot of couples get through it is planning trips and doing a countdown to when you will see each other again. This gives you a goal to look forward to. And communicating as much as possible, as well as focusing on how you feel about each other.

For me, hobbies help me deal with missing him. It takes my mind off of it until I can talk to my bf. Distractions help a lot. And a lot of my hobbies include making things or writing things for or about him.

Good luck, and if you ever just need someone to talk to, I'm online a lot

[Unconditional]

LATA is right.
Stay positive =)
Stay busy with friends, family, and hobbies.
I recommend keeping a journal to write your worries, fears, feelings, and happy times in, but that's just a recommendation.
Also, if you ever need support, you've come to the right place. We ALL understand what you are going through.

[kara.kelly]

I'm trying as much as possible to stay positive, but it just seems so difficult. One day I'm spending every day with my best friend and then suddenly we're apart and, unfortunately, we do not know when we will physically see each other again. I wish I could make a countdown to that day because it would ease my mind, but the unknown is what is killing me the most. I know I am very lucky to be able to talk to and see my boyfriend via FaceTime every day because I know there are LDRs out there that are not as lucky. I'm trying to keep busy with my graduate classes, but they're online, so it's not as though I'm in the classroom and interacting with my classmates.

My boyfriend and I already know we want to get married and start a life; it's just a matter of when and then the whole 'green card' comes into play, so it's just complicated. This group seems very supportive and I'm excited to read more from everyone.

Thank you so much for your advice!

[Unconditional]

I understand the idea of not having a countdown date. I presently don't have one, so I know where you're coming from right now. It'll be okay, feel free to message me, even if all you want you do is rant and cry or whatever.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I didn't have an exact countdown date when I started dating my boyfriend. But we started counting down to when I would be 18 (that's when I would be able to visit him legally). And even though we weren't sure about it, it helped to give us hope. We also do countdowns to anniversaries to help give us hope, just a suggestion though Just sharing some things that help me.

I take classes online as well, and it sucks sometimes because I don't have the interaction with others in order to distract me. But I find hobbies and music are great to help distract me.

Its great that you two have a goal at least, even if the details (such as when and the green card issue) because that can give you something to look forward to when you need a little hope

[conejita_hada]

I've found that focusing on an end date to the distance has helped, sometimes it seems too long but most times it's a good reminder "just x more left." Looking forward to the next visit and working/saving toward it. It's so hard going from seeing him on a regular basis to not. My friend recommended swapping clothing items, which helped tremendously. I put his shirt on a teddy bear to sleep with so when I roll over I at least have his scent. I don't really have a recommendation for how to deal with the pain of not getting to physically touch him. Some days I daydream and imagine it and the other days I push it away. Overall, just try to stay busy and work toward the future when being together permanently happens.

[squeeker]

I know how you feel in a way.. not having an exact end date. The way my boyfriend and I cope with that, is having a rough estimate. Like since having to return back to Canada at the end of August 2013, we knew we likely wouldn't have a visit the coming summer (this summer) because he would be very busy with a project with his university classmates, and also we would be restricted financially. Though we had been planning for summer 2015, so next summer, and so that helps... we basically can talk about what we want to do next time we are together, knowing there will be a next time, no matter how far it might feel at times. Also.. remember each day down is one day closer to seeing them again.

And it'll take some time to get into the routine of an LDR, and it can change depending on how your schedules change, some days you can talk/facetime more, other times one of you might be more busy, but it's good when you can make time each day for it, especially video chat, because it's the second best thing to being with each other in person. Try to find some hobbies or things to do.. a book series to read or reread or movies or TV shows.. or something more practical or maybe some thing crafty - maybe something you can even make for your boyfriend especially during those times you might miss him the most and want to do something for him and can't or don't want to distract yourself from him.

Good luck and stay strong, you can do this!

[differentcountries]

My first thought on this is, how long, granted that he finds work in SA, will it take him to save up for a ticket? Can he prioritize the first visit? Will credit card be an option?

Also, like the others said, keep busy and use the distance for good to be creative towards one another with letters, gifts, even make something... For us, things like Open When -letters, 52 reasons why I love you -cards and count down books has helped us both a lot. Also gifts are nice, I get rare shells from his beach and we have a thing about the Paulo Coelho -book, so I bought it for him.