I'm really sorry....

[MissM]

That my first thread on this forum is not going to be to introduce myself, I really need help

The irony of all this is that some days ago I tried to give advice to someone about something similar, and now it's pretty obvious I don't even follow my own advice.

I'm a wreck and I don't know how to handle this situation.
My boyfriend tries so hard, but I'm still so scared.... He's catching up on that and he's becoming cold towards me, which in turn makes me insecure and overall just makes things worse. We've been together for almost 4 months now, but I don't think we'll see another month if things keep going this way. I really want to be with him but I'm just so darned scared of getting hurt. The distance is getting to me, and the earliest we can meet is February next year, that's eating at me and he just asks me to hold on, to have patience and that we'll be together. I suspect of everything he does and I often wonder about his intentions, which I know hurts him when he thinks I don't trust him, so lately I just keep it all inside.

One of my friends didn't make things better for me... We hadn't talked in a very long time and when he asked about my relationship with him I explained it was a LDR and all, but at the end he said "Awesome, well I'm happy for you. I hope it doesn't end in 'MissM' destruction", that really took me by surprise and really hurt me, and now, I'm starting to think it's true, that that's exactly who I am... When I asked why he had said such a thing, he just said "You seem to self inflict emotional wounds". My boyfriend gives me enough of his time, but he's not giving me much affection and that's making me think all kinds of things. Specially after what my friend said, that maybe he's having a change of heart, that maybe this will end soon, that maybe I am the cause of it. It's like a downward spiral I really need some input, I haven't been in this situation long, but it's already driving me insane and it's affecting my performance at work. I need to solve this one way or the other because I don't want to keep being consumed by it, today I cried really bad and that shocked me because I'm usually a strong person, but this is bringing me down.

[lilspitfire]

This sounds exactly as if I wrote this. I have been hurt so many times before. It takes a lot to try and not bring the baggage of your past into your future relationships. It is what you have to try and do. What kind of affection are you looking for? Have you spoken to him about it?

[Sarah96]

I can say that I know where you're coming from. The first maybe 6 months were TERRIBLE for me. I was constantly pissed off and angry that I couldn't be with him and I was constantly insecure about the whole relationship. I'm still new to LDR's despite being with him for over a year now, we have not met yet and we're not quite sure exactly when we will. I have terrible trust issues after being hurt in many past relationships, so there are times when I still don't trust my boyfriend since he kinda hurt me in a small way, but I've since gotten over that because it was just silly. As someone with major trust issues, it's very difficult to trust a person you've never met before, especially one that you are allowing into your life in such a way that leaves you vulnerable and open to heartache and pain.

That being said, a relationship should not have an impact on your daily normal tasks, especially in a negative way. It is not healthy for you, your relationship and especially your work status that it is hurting your performance. Friends are important, but sometimes friends have some ignorance because they are not living your life, so they don't know all the details and they may say something hurtful or mean when they don't realize it's hurtful or mean. It's not good for you to keep all of it inside. Both my boyfriend and I have problems with doing that and it lead to arguments and fights over the silliest little things, like him forgetting to put a kissy face in a text (I may have been PMSing also ) but my point is that you need to try to communicate as best as you can. I suggest phone/skype since texting isn't helpful in these situations and tend to make it worse, at least in my experience.

You need to sit down and calmly discuss the way you feel and the way he feels. Make sure to listen to each other and not interrupt when the other is speaking. Don't be afraid to share how you feel, it's the only way this is going to work. Ask if he has any suggestions, tell him what you expect of him, ask what he expects of you. The only way to really make this work is to open up like a book. Try to stay calm and don't argue. If you raise your voice or get defensive it won't help. LDR's can definitely be worth it when you two work together. The beginning months for us were very rocky since we were still getting to know each other and get used to each other. Sometimes sarcastic comments would set me off because I couldn't tell if he was being mean or just joking. Once you understand each other better things will be smoother and you'll both be more comfortable with each other and build trust.

Sorry this is quite long, but I hope this helps. I wish you two the best and good luck!

[MissM]

I still don't trust my boyfriend since he kinda hurt me in a small way

He did this too, we had a small trust issue from the beginning because of an incident, and I think I'm still not over it. It was before we had the "exclusivity" talk , but it left me feeling vulnerable and he knows that, that's why he tries so hard to reassure me and sometimes I feel bad for being so hard on him, but I was hurt in the past as well, so I'm hyper-vigilant when it comes to those things.

It's not good for you to keep all of it inside. Both my boyfriend and I have problems with doing that and it lead to arguments and fights over the silliest little things, like him forgetting to put a kissy face in a text (I may have been PMSing also ) but my point is that you need to try to communicate as best as you can. I suggest phone/skype since texting isn't helpful in these situations and tend to make it worse, at least in my experience.

I have made a big deal out of stupid things too and I feel bad for putting so much pressure on him. When he's gotten frustrated about it all he's even said "it seems like no matter what I do, it's never enough for you" and I honestly don't want to make him feel that way, and that's why I end up keeping it all inside. He's not a very open person to be honest, he is one of those people you need to dig and dig to get things out of him, and sometimes that exhausts me, and of course, it doesn't help with the trust issues. He's not very good at expressing feelings and much less talking about them, I feel trapped at times.

Sometimes sarcastic comments would set me off because I couldn't tell if he was being mean or just joking.

Ugh, I specially hate this when he's frustrated. I hate it when he gets cynical and sarcastic. Today it's a good example of that, he gets all frustrated about an insignificant thing and then he starts with the snarky comments, at some point I get upset and just ask him to stop. He does and then apologizes, I honestly thinks he feels sorry after it, but it sets the tone for the rest of the day.

We do use Skype, but he prefers text much more, I feel like he's trying to keep it impersonal. Lately I have stopped asking him to go to Skype because, like I said, I'm tired of sounding demanding. So now he asks to go there, but, I don't look forward to it anymore because I know we'll talk and all, and at the end he'll give me a cold good bye. It's so bitter sweet. Like I love hearing his voice and hearing him laugh, but at the end I know I'll just end up feeling lonely

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply btw, I was needing someone to talk to who understands what I'm going through, as you can see my friends are not being very helpful, because, maybe like you said, they don't understand.



-LadyDean:

Thanks for your reply as well I appreciate it.
The type of affection I'm looking for is basically just words, like "I miss you" or just pet names, you know, simple words that mean a lot when you're in a relationship. Specially when we're using Skype, his cold good byes leave me feeling very bad. The worst thing is that I can't really nag him into doing something that he doesn't naturally feel like doing. Like I said, I feel trapped.

[LadyDaemon]

Ok, hyper vigilance is a good thing said nobody ever. You can't bring your old baggage from other relationships into your next one. You have to realize that HE is not THEM. The longer you treat him like he is and you continue with your distrust the further down your relationship is going to go. I can speak on this because I have horrid trust issues and have done the whole treating my SO like crap because of things my exes and other people did to me thing. It is not fair to your SO for you to lay that on him. You say he goes out of his way to reassure you and spend time with you, so just enjoy it when it happens and stop over analyzing everything. Because lets face it, that's exactly what you're doing. You're way over analyzing every little thing he does or doesn't do.

The other thing you need to realize is that some people just aren't that outward with their feelings and their affection. My husband is one of those people and it used to drive me insane until I realized it's apart of who he is and how he handles his feelings. I figure most of the time now when he's ready to express his feelings he will do it in his time. I'm not going to sit there all day and try to dig it out of him because it's exhausting and quite frankly, ain't nobody got time for that lol. There are also those people who aren't in general very affectionate people. They think doing certain things or saying certain things should speak clearly enough about their affection for you. This is particularly true with men. You can't sit there and not say jack to him when you don't think he's being affectionate enough and then expect things to get better. It's not going to happen. You need to openly talk to him and tell him that you feel like he could be more affectionate towards you and tell him what ways he could possibly do that. This gives you a chance to express your feelings about what you want from him without making it a big thing.

I apologize if any of this seems harsh, but deal with your baggage. The sooner you do that the sooner you can get to a better place where this is not causing you to make issues in your own relationship.

[MissM]

You can't bring your old baggage from other relationships into your next one. You have to realize that HE is not THEM

Although I understand exactly what you're saying, like I said before, there was something he did at the beginning that affected the whole situation. I am hoping to get over it, but it'll take patience from his side.

I do agree that I need to stop over analyzing things, but at the same time I don't think I should have to endure his coldness.
Your comment made me realize that maybe we're not compatible. I like to talk about my feelings and I'm an affectionate person, maybe this won't work well at the end.

True, I have baggage that I need to deal with, but also I'm not sure I'd like to spend my days like this. True, some people are more affectionate than others, but I don't think it's good for opposites to get together if it's gonna end up in one not feeling very well at the end. Being objective about it, he'll feel he's doing something unnatural to him, and I will always feel like there's something missing.

I was open and explained that I felt like maybe he could be more affectionate with me, and I think he didn't understand what I was saying at all. He basically told me to relax, and yeah well, it only causes the opposite, only that I'll have to bottle this up too. I will have to step back and numb my feelings I guess.

I don't think you were harsh, you didn't BS me and I appreciate that, I like when people are frank and say things as they are. Overall I think you're right though, I do realize I have issues, that's why I came here, because I feel so much stress that my judgment gets clouded.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

Although I understand exactly what you're saying, like I said before, there was something he did at the beginning that affected the whole situation. I am hoping to get over it, but it'll take patience from his side.

I do agree that I need to stop over analyzing things, but at the same time I don't think I should have to endure his coldness.
Your comment made me realize that maybe we're not compatible. I like to talk about my feelings and I'm an affectionate person, maybe this won't work well at the end.

True, I have baggage that I need to deal with, but also I'm not sure I'd like to spend my days like this. True, some people are more affectionate than others, but I don't think it's good for opposites to get together if it's gonna end up in one not feeling very well at the end. Being objective about it, he'll feel he's doing something unnatural to him, and I will always feel like there's something missing.

I was open and explained that I felt like maybe he could be more affectionate with me, and I think he didn't understand what I was saying at all. He basically told me to relax, and yeah well, it only causes the opposite, only that I'll have to bottle this up too. I will have to step back and numb my feelings I guess.

I don't think you were harsh, you didn't BS me and I appreciate that, I like when people are frank and say things as they are. Overall I think you're right though, I do realize I have issues, that's why I came here, because I feel so much stress that my judgment gets clouded.

Men in general see an issue and want to fix it. That's it. They don't want to talk about feelings and the whole 9 yards. Where as women do. Most men won't really want to talk about their feelings or even your feelings because they simply want to find a solution and move on. That being said, my boyfriend never wanted to talk about issues we had for long. It only upset him, and I'm pretty sure it was because I wanted to talk about everything whereas he simply wanted to fix it and move on. But over time we both adjusted, him being more willing to talk about the issue and I became more willing to make the conversation go faster so I didn't rub it in that there was an issue.

Your relationship is still a bit young, as is mine, but I'm sure if you give it a chance you two could adjust. Just because he's not as affectionate as you would like, doesn't mean he doesn't care. Because sometimes people show affection in other ways, such as spending time with you and trying to stop your worrying. And I only say all of this because I was in your shoes in the early stages of my relationship. And I stuck around, and that was the best thing I could ever do.

I'm not saying you need to stick around, just sharing my thoughts on the subject.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Although I understand exactly what you're saying, like I said before, there was something he did at the beginning that affected the whole situation. I am hoping to get over it, but it'll take patience from his side.

If it's something that happened before the exclusivity talk, I think it's a little unfair to hold it against him. I know you can't necessarily keep yourself from distrusting or just get over it right away, but I do think you need to want to, and I'm not entirely sure it sounds like you do.

I do agree that I need to stop over analyzing things, but at the same time I don't think I should have to endure his coldness.

Again, you need to work on your side of it. No, you don't have to endure his coldness, but you do need to realize that you're actually contributing to it a lot. That some of the coldness is prompted by your actions toward him. He can choose how to react, of course, but you can't exempt yourself from blame if he's getting cold because you're distrustful of him and suspecting his every move.

Your comment made me realize that maybe we're not compatible. I like to talk about my feelings and I'm an affectionate person, maybe this won't work well at the end.

This is entirely possible. It sounds like you may need a guy who is more openly affectionate and in touch with talking about feelings. I think you should take some time to think about whether you'll be happy in this relationship exactly as it is. There are always things that we wish our SOs would do a little more of or a little differently, but the key is whether or not you can be happy if he never does more of those things.

Basically, if, as he is right now, he won't make you happy because you'll feel like parts are missing, then it's probably best to look elsewhere.

Good luck!

[differentcountries]

Men in general see an issue and want to fix it. That's it. They don't want to talk about feelings and the whole 9 yards. Where as women do. Most men won't really want to talk about their feelings or even your feelings because they simply want to find a solution and move on.

I find this to often be the case, in fact that is part of the reason I prefer men now. I think sometimes women tend to circle around the question too much and not get a firm grip on it. I just couldn't cope with the female wanting to be read and taken care of. That being said, there are some things that create a hindrance for men to actually solve their problems. They often prefer to ignore that the problem exist at all, hoping it will just go away with time. Which is a good attitue with smaller issues, but larger issues tend to grow bigger if ignored. Guys are too much in the toughen up zone, which is also why they tend to get a lot of health problems that women don't because women "complain" about small stuff before they become large ones. This is also true for emotional things. There is a little boy locked inside every man, not always connected to the man. I belive men and women have a lot of learn from each other in the problem solving businiss - they tend to see the elephant from different sides, and together we can create a better picture than just applying one approach always. I sometimes push SO to open up more emotionally, and I think it is very sweet when he does. On the other hand I also respect that especiallt talking about negative feelings is not always helpful to him (whereas I like to vent about stuff at least a minute or so, he often does not want to go there unless he HAS to).There are some issues here to find out more about. 10 months into the relationship I am still learning every day what kind of man he is, and also what kind of special human being he is.

If you try to see things a bit from his side, he may try to do the same with you, and together you can slowly try to find some workable solutions. It may take time, but if you care for one another you can make the connection happen. Don't bring up too many subjects at a time, because then it is hard to focus (you can make a list for yourself if you want). I like to bring up maximum 2 subjects at a time, especially since he is always in the problem solving mode, more than that creates an overload for him. Also, sometimes I bring up something and then just let it simmer, usually he or I will bring it up some time later and then we are closer to a solution. Also, being grateful for things that work is really, really important. I do this with my husband too - even if he has done something really simple that is hardly any effort for him, I thank him for it. He does the same for me. This helps to create an atmosphere of thankfullness that makes it harder to go into the "but I do everything in this relationship"-mode. Choose you battles. I have sometimes lost it, really lost it, but just over really important things, I mean maybe 4 times during our relationship. When I am usually calm about things, this makes him realise I am not whining but saying something important that he has to listen to.

[rhabdoviridae]

The other thing you need to realize is that some people just aren't that outward with their feelings and their affection. My husband is one of those people and it used to drive me insane until I realized it's apart of who he is and how he handles his feelings.

Yes! My husband is also not a big feelings sharer, but he has gotten so much more open with time.

OP, it is so important to communicate these feelings with him but still be understanding that an overnight change is unlikely to happen. With something like pet names especially...that comes with time. My SO and I have something of a pet name for one another, but it evolved from a joke early in our relationship. Four months is not really that longs in the grand scheme of things and it may be that you need to be a bit more patient.

I can understand stance being rough, but if there is no trust, it's not worth continuing anyway (at least in my opinion).