What do I do? please help

[laurenandjames9]

This may seem confusing, but I will try my best to explain it.

In June, me and James split up. I felt so relived, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Although I love him so much, I just couldn't carry on being with someone I didn't trust.

2 years ago, I met Kaleb online. He lives in America, and I am attracted to him. We got on so well, I would always stay up late to talk to him. Both being 15, we didn't really know what we were doing, but we both fell in love. A lot of stuff happened, which is irrelevant, and we broke up.

Fast forward 2 years.

I always thought about Kaleb. He said he didn't have a webcam, and once we split up I questioned if he was real or not. I searched for him on Facebook, and I found him. I was so shocked. I messaged him, and he explained everything. We then started talking for a while, and it was great, but then it just fizzled out.

I then met James. If you have ever read any of my other posts, you will know that me and James were on and off. When me and James were off, Kaleb started talking to me again. This time it was different, it felt like it did all those years ago. He was more open with me and about how he felt.

I didn't know what to do, I have James who I was in love with, despite everything. Then I have Kaleb, my first love.

Me and James decided to get back together, and I told Kaleb that we couldn't talk anymore, and I needed to give things another go with James. He was upset, but he accepted it.

Me and James then split up

Kaleb started talking to me again, and I let him in. I felt so close to him. We had been talking about being together, and I said it's quite soon but maybe it would work if we take it slow. A while later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. (Your all probably thinking she is crazy right?)

Me and Kaleb have been together for over a month now, and things are going great. We talk as much as we can, and the distance doesn't really seem an issue. He makes me want to be a better person, and I feel like I am falling in love with him again. He is the first person I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about at night. He always sends me morning messages, of which I love. We have spoken on the phone a few times. Hearing his voice for the first time was amazing. Hearing him say I love you, was the most amazing thing. Seeing him on webcam was great, just knowing it's him. I don't doubt him for a single second. He makes me feel like I am the most amazing thing.

During this time James has been messaging me again. He has been begging me to get back with him, and saying how depressed he is. I've told Kaleb, and it did cause him to feel insecure incase I ran back to James. James got that bad, that he even threatened to slit his wrists. Of course I still love James, but not enough to trust him or want to get back with him.

I just don't know what to do now, I want to be there for James but I know we can't be friends. I want me and Kaleb to build a strong foundation ready for when he goes back to school, as we will struggle to talk because of the time difference. I want so many things, and I know it's impossible to have them all. What do I do?

Lauren

[snow_girl]

I want to be there for James but I know we can't be friends

There is your answer, you have to let him go.

[differentcountries]

Don't be there for James. If you care for him then inform the police of his area that he has threatened with suicide. It is not your call, and it is cruel of him to try to make you come back to him by playing the depression card.

The time difference/Kaleb thing is a much easier thing to figure out. It is not impossable, there are lots of couples here doing it.

[laurenandjames9]

James constantly texts me, and I'm that sort of person that I can't ignore him.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I personally say stick with Kaleb. Time differences are difficult but there are ways to get around it.

Being friends with your ex is not a wise thing to do, it could potentially cause trust issues with you and Kalb, and him begging you back can have a huge strain on the relationship. Later on down the road when you are both emotionally stable, then maybe try friendship, but no if one of you aren't over the other. It complicates things way too much, especially when one is building a new relationship.

[laurenandjames9]

I feel so sorry for James. I know he has really hurt me, but I'm over it. He is really hurting because of this

[differentcountries]

James constantly texts me, and I'm that sort of person that I can't ignore him.

He constantly textes you because you answer him.

You think you are being kind to him, but you are only making him suffer in more complicated ways.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

He constantly textes you because you answer him.

You think you are being kind to him, but you are only making him suffer in more complicated ways.

I actually agree. He can't get over you or let go of the pain if you are still there because he will still have hope for you two. It's ok to feel bad for them. But if you really want to help him, then don't reply when he texts you so that he will eventually move on and get over it.

[GuineaPunk]

James got that bad, that he even threatened to slit his wrists. Of course I still love James, but not enough to trust him or want to get back with him.

You're use of the word 'threatened' I find worrying. If he is threatening to slit his wrists, that is emotional manipulation and you should try not to fall into that pit as it is a tricky one to get out of. My ex used to do this, and he would follow through with it to boot (I still have scars on my hands from one of his wrist slitting attempts). I won't worry you with all of the gory details and in and outs, but suffice to say my ex was a twisted and highly deranged individual (more than I am ever willing to share on this forum). Having a skim through your old posts and threads I do not get that vibe from your relationship with James, so I would not worry about his threats. Don't be sucked in. Eventually I got to a point where I realised that my ex was not my responsibility and I could not hold myself accountable for his actions, he is still very much alive today. I will never forgive myself for allowing myself to get so dragged in, especially as I was more than aware of all the wrongs he was throwing my way, I would hate to see anyone else do the same (not that I'm the first of course, nor will I be the last!)

In breakups, someone is always going to get hurt to an extent, that is just a fact of life. Very few people are lucky enough to find their match the first time around, I'm sure he's young too, so he has plenty of time to find someone else in his life. Quite frankly from skimming your old threads the relationship sounded toxic, life is too short for all that hassle and game playing.

I also agree with the point on the texting from other posters. If you reply you are leaving the door open. You have been on and off for years, so why would he expect anything different this time? If you close the doors he'll know that it isn't an option available to him anymore, and you will both be in a better position to get on with your lives.

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you everyone for all your comments. James has messaged me again tonight, and he was saying how he has to live with what he has done everyday. He is so depressed and down. He is guilt tripping me into getting back with him. I just can't handle him anymore. I don't need the stress. I'm going to focus on my relationship with Kaleb.
Lauren

[80anthea]

What you do is calmly tell James that he needs help but you aren't the person to give it to him. Forward him this....https://healthtalkonline.org/sites/d...0Resources.pdf it has a list of places he can get help from.

You then tell him not to contact you again and you block his number.

[laurenandjames9]

I've blocked his number now, so he will not be able to contact me. I've tried helping him and saying he needs to talk to someone about it, but he refuses. He can't stand to see that I am moving on with my life, and I am not chasing after him.

Lauren

[Robynleighla]

I know very well what you're going through. My only hope for you is that James does not end up like my first ex who still, after three years, is depressed about me and obsesses over me. The best thing to do is to intentionally let things fade slowly, rather than cut things off completely and suddenly. You just have to take him seriously when he brings up suicide because he may or may not actually do it, so cutting things off will leave him to feel unloved or lonely. He's gotta learn to live without you, which is why slowly fading from his life will in a way wean him of you. I agree, you need to focus more on your relationship with Kaleb and less of the past. Struggling with old emotions will only bring you doubt on your current relationship, as well as mess with your head. Don't let that happen!! Being preoccupied will keep your mind off things. Let your excuse for not talking to James as much be that you're busy with Kaleb, or school, or family.

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you, I just feel like the more I talk to him, the more false hope I am giving him. Even though I am not telling him what he wants to hear, I am still replying, so he might think maybe if I keep trying, I will have a chance.

[rhabdoviridae]

I would text James back and tell him that you have moved on and please don't contact you anymore. Then block his number, Facebook, etc and enjoy what you have with kaleb. As said above, James is not your responsibility.