Possible break-up. Thoughts?

[talim]

Hello everyone,
I don't post much, but I felt like I need some advice recently.

Background:
Me and my SO are together since May 2013, so about for a year and three months. I moved for him and we are living together for almost 8 months. We live in a flat with his mother. Our relationship was bumpy at first when LD, but it changed for much better one since we closed the distance. Despite some arguments with his mother, we were happy.

Bad times:
Recently, I started to feel like we are drifting appart. It was probably because I spent a lot of time in work and he spent a lot of his time with his friends. I don't really mind it, I would never permit him from seeing his friends, but I had problems with him going away even for a weekend and don't telling me where is he going and when he will come back. If I wouldn't trust him as much as I do, I would suspect he is cheating on me. And even when we were both at home, he spent so much time chatting with one of his female friends. The smile on his face when he was chatting with her, compared to how cold he was when he talked to me, hurt me a lot.
Also, my arguments with his mother started to be more and more intense, I don't really know why. She started to blame me for everything, from the way I fold my clothes to how I wash the dishes. It really started to drain my energy and I was thinking about getting my own apartment and moving out (without breaking up wih my SO).

The main problem:
Yesterday, my SO called my to work and told me he found my nude photos in my laptop. At first I didn't know what he is talking about, but then I realized that my old laptop, which I brought with me when I visited my parents recently, may have my really old photos that I was sending to my ex in it. (BTW, my SO was permited to use my laptop, so it's not like he was sneaking around my things.) Of course I explained that I made these photos long before I even met my SO and that I completely forgot to have them. He didn't seem to believe me and he thinks that I made them recently and was sending them to some other guy. When I came home from work, I wanted to have a talk with him, but he refused.
Also yesterday, I found what he wrote to some 15 year old girl online on one social site. It maybe was quite innocent, but it hurt me - he wrote how amazing she looks, how mature she seems from what she writes. She replied with something like boys usually don't notice her because she is not pretty and that it would make her smile if she had a boy who would hug her and kiss her and something like that, and he replied with "but I noticed you, and you might smile sooner then you think". Again, these weren't personal messages, so no sneaking around on my side. It hurt me a lot, partly because he was so distant to me recently.

The conflict:
We didn't talk about these things until today morning. We had an argument (but mostly calm, no screaming and things like that), where I tried to explain those photos, he told me he might believe me they were old, but it completely changed how he views me (but I still think he doesn't believe me). I also told him that what he wrote to that girl hurt me, and he told me it was completely innocent and refused to talk about it more. The fight escalated to him saying "I think it would be better if you could go", and I replied with how I think it would be better, too, because I was thinking about breaking up recently more and more. But then he was getting ready to go with his friends (again) and asked me "will you still be here when I'll come back?" and looked so sad when saying it, then he gave me a kiss and wished me a good day when he was leaving, and even called me when he was already away to tell me one funny thing he noticed when driving. I am completely confused.

Questions:
I think I should wait about how would he behave when he comes home, but I really don't know what should I do now. Yesterday I was sure I'll break up with him because how we were drifting apart, plus arguments with his mother, and the fact that he doesn't want to spend time with me, all these things were emotionally killing me and it felt that our relationship came to its end. But after our talk today, I realized that I still have feelings for him and it would be really, really hard for me to leave him. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't, I still care about him a lot. But on the other hand, something inside me knows that even if we stayed together, a few weeks or months later it will be the same again.

Do you have any ideas regarding my story? What would you do if you were in my position? Any input is much appreciated!

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

When it comes down to it, its your decision what you do. But personally, I would try to work it out before just throwing it away.

It seems like he was upset, but didn't want you to leave, which means maybe later you could both sit down and discuss all the issues. Maybe the time apart during the day will help him to calm down and think clearly and help you to figure out what it is you want.

[digitalfever]

he wrote how amazing she looks, how mature she seems from what she writes. She replied with something like boys usually don't notice her because she is not pretty and that it would make her smile if she had a boy who would hug her and kiss her and something like that, and he replied with "but I noticed you, and you might smile sooner then you think".

So, your SO is having a conversation that his riddled with hints of sexual innuendo with a child. This is unacceptable. I don't think this conversation is going anywhere good.

Anyhow - I don't think staying in a relationship because you have feelings for someone and don't want to hurt the is reason enough to stay in a situation that is unhealthy. Your partner at this point is unwilling to talk with you about how and why he engaged in a borderline sexual conversation with a child. He is unwilling to explain his actions and felt the best course of action was to say that he (or you) had to go.

This doesn't sound like someone that wants to be in a committed relationship. This doesn't sound like someone who wants to make it work.

[talim]

So, your SO is having a conversation that his riddled with hints of sexual innuendo with a child. This is unacceptable.

To make it clear, in our country people above 15 are no longer considered children and they are totally allowed to have sex, therefore there is nothing wrong legally.

But thank you both for your input, I will think about your opinions.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

While I agree that what he said to the 15 year old girl may not have been appropriate, he might not have been hinting around to anything and was simply trying to boost the girls confidence. Saying he noticed her so she may smile soon may have simply meant that if he noticed how attractive she was surely others will too.

[talim]

Yes, maybe I was overreacting because I was mad. I talked about it with one of my close friends and she said that from her point of view, he was just being nice complimenting her. I guess what hurt me was that he is paying attention to other girls while being so distant and cold to me recently.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I've had the exact same problem with my boyfriend. It got so bad that I snapped one day, and I told him exactly how I felt about it. And then he understood what the real problem is and things got a lot better.

[differentcountries]

It seems to me that living with his mum wears you down and effects your romantic relationship in a bad way. Is it financially possible for the two of you to live on your own?

By your own admission, you had no idea where these photoes were before he found them. You did not protect him from that glimpse into your past relationship, and he might worry that others will see these pictures too, because you act so careless with them. You need better routines for your laptop.

[talim]

It seems to me that living with his mum wears you down and effects your romantic relationship in a bad way. Is it financially possible for the two of you to live on your own?

You are totally right - he even told me that he likes to get away from the house all the time mostly because the atmosphere that is here because me and his mother argue so often. I wish it would be financially possible, but my SO is just starting his own bussiness and money are pretty tight right now.

[differentcountries]

I wish it would be financially possible, but my SO is just starting his own bussiness and money are pretty tight right now.

Is it possable to have a sit-down with your mother-in-law (where SO could come too) and try to work out whatever is the matter?

[conejita_hada]

It sounds like not everything has been said, at least from his end. I think it would be good for you both to sit down and have a discussion, maybe write down your thoughts instead of speaking, somehow discussing without getting into a fight. That way, you can both understand where the other is coming from, and figure out what each of you expect from the relationship at this point, if you both want to continue it or if you just don't want to hurt the other by leaving. Think about what is best for your own individual good. It does sound like the living situation is complicating the relationship, since his mother is picking fights with you. If you can afford it, it might be best to get your own place.

[talim]

It sounds like not everything has been said, at least from his end. I think it would be good for you both to sit down and have a discussion, maybe write down your thoughts instead of speaking, somehow discussing without getting into a fight. That way, you can both understand where the other is coming from, and figure out what each of you expect from the relationship at this point, if you both want to continue it or if you just don't want to hurt the other by leaving. Think about what is best for your own individual good. It does sound like the living situation is complicating the relationship, since his mother is picking fights with you. If you can afford it, it might be best to get your own place.

Yes, I have been thinking about it the whole day and I hope he will be open to a proper discussion once he comes back from his friends. I also think it would be best to get our own place, even if it would be a room in some shared flat, I even thought about me moving out (without breaking up with him, we would continue dating, but not living together). I will try to discuss this with him too.

And to DC, I doubt she would be up for a calm conversation at this point, she is really being total bi*ch recently.

[differentcountries]

And to DC, I doubt she would be up for a calm conversation at this point, she is really being total bi*ch recently.

To my experience, that is the PERFECT time to talk to mother in law because when she is totally stressed, she might also ready for a change. How about saying your arguing is affecting her son so much he dreads to even stay in the house? Even if she doesn't always care what you feel, I bet she cares about her son.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Delete the old photos! You don't need them, and had even forgotten you had them. So, delete them, since it makes him feel insecure. Have a serious talk with him about how his detachment is making you feel unloved and unwanted, and that him talking with other girls only adds to your insecurity.

Also, maybe you, your SO and his mother need to have a serious conversation, and set some ground rules for sharing household chores, privacy issues, and getting along with each other. If there is any way you and your SO could help out with rent or groceries, that might help too. As long as you are just living there, without contributing anything, she may feel she has a right to run your lives, as if you are just teenagers living at home (you know, the old parental mantra: As long as you are living under my roof, you will live by my rules, and if you don't like it, you can leave). Since you were thinking of getting your own flat, you can probably help out some way. Of course, the best thing to do would be for you AND your SO to get your own flat ASAP.

Living with parents is NOT the best option, in the long run. It can cause serious problems in a relationship. I know, because I have been on both ends of the spectrum: living with my parents a few times as an adult, AND living with my kids at times, sometimes sharing my home with adult children, or at one time, temporarily living with my daughter and her family in their home.

[talim]

To my experience, that is the PERFECT time to talk to mother in law because when she is totally stressed, she might also ready for a change. How about saying your arguing is affecting her son so much he dreads to even stay in the house? Even if she doesn't always care what you feel, I bet she cares about her son.

That's a good point, thanks!

To AAG: Thanks for your long reply. I of course already deleted the photos, I feel so ashamed he saw them. I am planning on having a talk with him later today. To make things clear, we already contribute to the household, I give her money every month, a sum we agreed on together when I moved in, to help with the rent, electricity, atd, I also pay for some part of groceries and do majority of chores (besides cooking, I don't cook much since I go to work and she is at home), and she still thinks I don't do enough. I agree we should probably have another talk with her about it.