Piece of advice needed

[noa]

I'm in a LDR for 8 months now with the most amazing guy.
I'm also a cheesy romantic. Every Valentine's Day I make my friends cards to make them feel loved and special. I love birthdays and will basically take every opportunity to do something nice or romantic. (I also really love arts and crafts)

My boyfriend, however, is a guy. (I tried not to sound sexist but I guess that's my best excuse for it).
He doesn't understand why would I want him to write love letters and why would I care about all the little things (example; when we were both really hopeless about our meeting, I wrote him notes with inspiring quotes, took pictures of them with my phone and sent one every day).

We just came back from a month together. It wasn't the first time we met (we met once before) but it was certainly the first time we spent so much time together. It was also the first time for both of us to actually live with someone who's not family. So, we had our share of problems in that department as well.

The thing is, I want to feel like he's putting an effort. These things are important to me... We talk every day on the phone for really long hours, and when we're too busy to spend all this time on the phone we use WhatsApp.
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it, but ever since we got back I just feel... Off. I wanted to get something from him. But all he has to say about the issue is, "I don't know how to be a romantic..."

Honestly I don't know whether I should just let It go for now, or try and solve it with him. We've been talking about it in the past two weeks since we came back so he knows how I feel… I'm confused. On the one hand I want him to make me feel special sometimes by sending me letters or other silly things. But on the other hand, you can't force romance… Are my expectations too high?

Also, we both need to be extra creative since there's no mail going from our two countries. (gotta love the middle east)

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think you shouldn't ever expect someone to be extra romantic and try to see the littler things he probably does. Like if he sends you sweet messages when you are away or something.

Not all guys know how to be romantic in that sense, especially when you are not physically around. I used to have the same problem with my boyfriend until I started paying closer attention to the things he did; ie. staying up really late just to talk to me, sending me cute messages randomly. Then I could tell that he was trying his best. Maybe your boyfriend is too but doesn't know how to.

Also, you could show him this website. It has tons of great ideas.

Have you two tried email? You can hand write a letter then scan it (or take a picture) and send it via email. Or even just type a long email.

[Sarah96]

I think you shouldn't ever expect someone to be extra romantic and try to see the littler things he probably does. Like if he sends you sweet messages when you are away or something.

I totally agree with her... my guy isn't the most romantic of guys. He tends to be pretty "rigid" I guess you could say, he's sensitive but in different ways. Like if I cry, he cries because he doesn't like to see me upset/hurting. But he isn't very romantic. I too love writing cute little letters and notes and I even bought a prompt book for a couple so that I could be extra romantic and show him how much I love him and fill this out and send it to him. I sent him a cute little postcard thing from Postagram with a sweet/romantic quote on it... however, he isn't totally into all that stuff. He can be sweet and caring but he's not the romantic that does the long texts about our perfect happy little future together and stuff like that.

I have come to just accept that he just isn't one of those guys, and I'm okay with that. As long as he continues to love me and shows me that he loves me, then I am happy. But I still do those little things because they're cute and I like them I think it's really important to look at the little things. Figure out the ways you would want him to show you how he loves you and appreciates you (in a realistic way since you know he doesn't do the cute letters and stuff) then see if he does those things. If he is meeting those expectations then you shouldn't sweat it. Not everyone is romantic or cheesy.

[SkittleGal]

I've been lurking a long time and I don't participate much in the diskussions because I'm online rarely, but feel like have to write something to this. To me, this is a very easy problem to solve.

You know how you learn the language of the other partner just because it's part of his or her cultural heritage? It's just something you have to do, no questions asked, right? At least that's what I think. Now the thing is, there's such a thing as love languages. Everyone feels loved in a different way. My mom likes it best when Dad helps out in the house. He gives gifts too sometimes and is very loving, but helping her around the house is when she feels loved the most. Dad on the other hand is a touchy-feely kind of
person. He likes being affectionate and getting hugs from his kids. Me? I feel loved when someone spends on on one time with me - doesn't matter if it's spent just talking or doing an activity. It's how I show my love too.

You are most likely someone who likes getting gifts and acts of kindness. And it's obviously how you show your love seeing how you like acts of kindness and making stuff. Your boyfriend might show his love differently by staying up late and just staying in contact. Now what I suggest you do is talk to him and tell/teach him what he can do so you can see/understand his love and you on the other hand try to see where shows his love and show your love in his "language". What do you think about that?

I hope I have made myself understood properly. If you want more information or even reading material, just message me.

[conejita_hada]

Talk to him. If you already have, do it again. Explain how much it means to you and that you really want this sign of affection returned because even though you know with all your heart he loves you, it makes you feel good to get these little things as reminders. Let him know he doesn't have think of "romantic" in the commercialized sense. Romance can be simply sharing a song or a YouTube clip that made that person think of you, a picture of his day and "wish you were with me" note attached. You can't force romance but you can talk to the other person and give them the ideas that would make you feel most happy.

[TwoThree]

My SO isn't the romantic kind either. Not because he doesn't want to be, but because he doesn't really know how. When I make the odd romantic gesture, he sometimes feels embarrassed because he doesn't reciprocate. It used to bother me and hurt me, but with time I realized that it's not for lack of good will.

I talked to him about it, quite often. I kinda had to train him, make him realize that anniversaries are important, that some small things are very much appreciated. But to be honest, I don't expect him to ever become Prince Charming. If we have birthdays or an anniversary coming up, I simply tell him what kind of a present I want and ask the same of him. That way there is no disappointment!

You really need to make your SO understand. There is a difference between not being romantic out of cluelessness and not being romantic out of carelessness. If it's so important for you, he needs to at least appear to be making efforts.

[differentcountries]

Being in a relationship, it takes time to learn how to know one another and how to be the best one can be arond one another (I know I have been with SO only 10 months, but I have also been with my husband 10 years). When one is a little different, it is easy to interpret this as the other one not caring or not making an effort. I would love it if SO wrote me letters, but it is just not his thing. He has not bought me one single flower in our time together. He rarely gives me gifts. He almost never emails me. Still I think he is very romantic and sweet because: He draws little hearts on paper and gives them to me. He makes me drink and food (I especially like it when he makes me omlet for breakfast. I am supertired in the morning, so the fact that he has the energy to make food at that hour amazes me). He texts me every days, sends me pictures, Skypes with me. Once he bought me clothes pins just because he thoght I needed it (I do all the washing when I am there), I was really touched by that he had gone to the grozery shop and thought of me. He knows all the good places to go and takes me there. In he off season he was an amazing hoast. He swims with me, goes for bicycle rides with me. He is very physically affectionate, he soothes me like no other. He fills up both the places I live with sea shells (I have no idea where he finds them. I have been on that beach lots of times and never seen a SINGLE small shell. But he finds them, small and big, and gives them to me). I can see how very proud he is of me. I know that some of the typical romantic stuff will have to be on my initiative, this does not bother me as long as he likes what we are doing!

He told me I do all these romantic gestures and it is hard for him to follow up, because he can't write like I can and he is not as creative etc. Now, I focus on things we can to TOGETHER, like we are making some books (my idea); we will make a cook book with pictures of food we made and recipies, and we are fillling out a "book of us" that I bought. So instead of me doing "things for him", I am rather initiating things we can do together. I think it works better that way.

[AngelofFluffiness]

To be honest, its in his own way. If he's participating even a bit, and doing his own forms of cute things and even making the effort to spend all the time he can with you, then he's doing the best he can.
Some have harder times with this than others and you got to learn how to interpret them.
My sweetheart isn't the most expressive. But I know he puts his heart into what he does, gives, and says.
I've come to know that when he says he loves me, I better believe it because he freaking means it.
When he sends me a gift or a message, I know he put thought into it.
It's just one of those times when you have to 'learn their language'
They do their best, and once you know how they do it, you can be happier in knowing how they are and how you need to respond to them.

[RachelAnne]

try to communicate with him and tell him that those little things are important to you. My SO isn't the huge romantic type either, but I've learned to appreciate the little things he does for me because I know he does put in effort--he just shows it in different ways. Try to focus on what your SO does for you that you know means a lot to him.

[digitalfever]

I'm in a LDR for 8 months now with the most amazing guy.
I'm also a cheesy romantic. Every Valentine's Day I make my friends cards to make them feel loved and special. I love birthdays and will basically take every opportunity to do something nice or romantic. (I also really love arts and crafts)

My boyfriend, however, is a guy. (I tried not to sound sexist but I guess that's my best excuse for it).
He doesn't understand why would I want him to write love letters and why would I care about all the little things (example; when we were both really hopeless about our meeting, I wrote him notes with inspiring quotes, took pictures of them with my phone and sent one every day).

We just came back from a month together. It wasn't the first time we met (we met once before) but it was certainly the first time we spent so much time together. It was also the first time for both of us to actually live with someone who's not family. So, we had our share of problems in that department as well.

The thing is, I want to feel like he's putting an effort. These things are important to me... We talk every day on the phone for really long hours, and when we're too busy to spend all this time on the phone we use WhatsApp.
Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of it, but ever since we got back I just feel... Off. I wanted to get something from him. But all he has to say about the issue is, "I don't know how to be a romantic..."

Honestly I don't know whether I should just let It go for now, or try and solve it with him. We've been talking about it in the past two weeks since we came back so he knows how I feel… I'm confused. On the one hand I want him to make me feel special sometimes by sending me letters or other silly things. But on the other hand, you can't force romance… Are my expectations too high?

Also, we both need to be extra creative since there's no mail going from our two countries. (gotta love the middle east)

Forced romance is never romantic and it's probably just awkward for him. Why not ask him what he thinks is romantic? His idea of romance may be a movie of the sofa with the person he loves and a bowl of popcorn. Romance comes in all flavours. Consider that maybe your version of romance isn't his version and come to a common ground. It's OK to want a romantic comedy gesture but if he is uncomfortable with that then maybe explore the idea that romantic comedies come in all different packages. Hugh Grant isn't the only romantic guy out there.

I'd say ask him what he considers romantic and take it from there.

[noa]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, all of you!

Everything you said really helped me see things from a different prespective and clear my head. The interesting thing is, that he does have cute little things that he does for me. I just need to learn his 'language' more carefully to understand it better...

So thanks. And I hope you all have a lovely week filled with all kinds of romance