Love vs Dreams

[Cristiana]

I learned how to put myself in the first place. I learned that everyone can hurt me and that everyone can go away from me at anytime. So I learned to rely on myself and make myself happy first. Even now that I'm madly in love with my SO, in certain situations I have to put myself first or anyway I prefer to argue than to ponder him and not my needs.
I am an unselfish and sweet person, I love to make people happy, to make surprises, to make gifts, etc. but when it comes to needs and happiness, I'd rather satisfy mine IF there are not compromises.

The point is. I've never believed I could feel such emotions and feelings for someone as Im doing in my relationship. I would go anywhere with him or for him because Im happy simply being beside him. I want to make his dreams come true because I want his happiness. Our wishes - little and big ones - are quite the same so one of my plans is to make these wishes and dreams come true with him, through our life together.
But I have one dream since I was 6/7, about moving in the U.S. and live my life there. This dream unfortunatelly isnt shared by him, I even talked about it just for few minutes while we were talking on phone one day - I said to him that I would love it and he was like "No no no omg living in the USA - take a trip would be ok but not living, at all". I didnt care about that conversation in that moment, we passed half an hour talking about other things and it was gone from my mind.

But now that Im turning 18, that Im almost done with school, that Im starting to make real plans on my future, this scares me.
I cant no longer imagine my life, my daily life without him. He is the best person I could ever meet and I would be so hurt to lose him. And I hardly believe I could love somebody else like I love him now.
But, on the other side, there is my big dream, which will be hard to achieve, I do know it, but Im a headstrong person.

I wont ask for advice and I wont put any questions, just guys tell me what you think about it because right now Im a bit worried and confused.

[Unconditional]

I think it's perfectly normal to want to accomplish your dreams.
Is there a specific reason you want to live in america? Could you maybe go and spend a few years there?
Have you guys figured.out who would move where when you do decide to close the distance?

[lilspitfire]

I'm going with Unconditional......why America? What's so important about living here permanently? Maybe visit, but why live here for good? You might have some deep thinking to do and some research on it.

[Cristiana]

I want to move there because of both rational/practical and mere wish reasons. I dont want to settle in Italy at all, and if I have to think about a place to do it, I would think the U.S.
It has a lot of things I cant stand - like the fact it is a pro wars country - or Im afraid of - like cataclysms which are rare here - but it has good economy, the dollar is way better than the euro, it may be suitable for the job I want to do (tattoo artist) in order to have a career, it offers a lot of choice in terms of spaces/places and climates. And just the thought of feeling a little human being under those giant skyscrapers drives me crazy.

I obviously will go there few weeks - my cousin lives in New York from years and she could host me - before making real decisions. I will talk to her to know how she did it through, how's actually living there, etc.

Have you guys figured.out who would move where when you do decide to close the distance?

Nope, we didnt seriously talk about closing the distance yet, but I guess I would be the one to move. I want to move out of my country, he has a regular job there and a place, unlike me that I have to start everything. And I told him clearly that I dont want for him to move here, because it would be a reason to stay here and I dont want to.

[GuineaPunk]

I can relate to your situation, as I often encounter similar thoughts. The best advice I can give you is to not make too much of a deal out of it. Not saying that it isn't a huge deal, because it is, but ultimately you are only 17 and the world isn't going away anytime soon. Equally while it is wonderful being in love with that one person, you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that you could never be that in love again with someone else if you choose to walk away, there are 8 billion people in the world, chances are you could fall in love with another of them at some point in your life, even if it is not now. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, even if you make the 'wrong' decision now, there are so many opportunities during your life to completely change your track if you have the will to do it.

You have only been together for a few months, I personally would plan for both instances at the moment, as both will take a lot of time and a lot of finances behind you and a lot can happen in that time that maybe you haven't planned for. No-one can really make the decision for you as to which you should follow if you can't get them both to run parallel. You need to question each aspects with the same scrutiny, which path will you regret most if you don't follow it?

I am currently stuck between continuing my travels and then going back to college as I had originally planned, or continuing with the relationship and eventually closing the distance and starting a family (the family aspect being something he really wants to do). At the moment my heart is pretty 50:50 on it, so I am simply planning for both. I comfort myself knowing that if I can't get both my love and dreams to work, I will still have one of them left at the end of it. And even then if my dreams get put on the back-burner, I can always revisit them later in life, if my love falls through, there will eventually be someone else who fits me.

[Unconditional]

I want to move there because of both rational/practical and mere wish reasons. I dont want to settle in Italy at all, and if I have to think about a place to do it, I would think the U.S.
It has a lot of things I cant stand - like the fact it is a pro wars country - or Im afraid of - like cataclysms which are rare here - but it has good economy, the dollar is way better than the euro, it may be suitable for the job I want to do (tattoo artist) in order to have a career, it offers a lot of choice in terms of spaces/places and climates. And just the thought of feeling a little human being under those giant skyscrapers drives me crazy.

I obviously will go there few weeks - my cousin lives in New York from years and she could host me - before making real decisions. I will talk to her to know how she did it through, how's actually living there, etc.



Nope, we didnt seriously talk about closing the distance yet, but I guess I would be the one to move. I want to move out of my country, he has a regular job there and a place, unlike me that I have to start everything. And I told him clearly that I dont want for him to move here, because it would be a reason to stay here and I dont want to.

The U.S. economy is going down the drain, I mean we've been in a depression for years now. That being said if the euro costs less than the dollar, that means it will be a lot more expensive to move there. Which means you might have to stay longer in italy until you have the means to move. It sounds like a good plan to be hosted for a few weeks to see if you like it.

Okay, well if he's not willing to move from Romania, and you have your heart dead set on living in the U.S. I don't really know what you'll do, but if you really want to be with him, can't you learn how to become a tattoo artist in america and create a career network and then move to romainia and continue to pursue your career there?
If not, I really don't see another compromise available.. you're young, and there's so much more to life than just love. So, if I was in thisbposition and didn't like any of the compromises available, then I'd have to weigh the pros and cons on romania vs. America. For example, do you feel this (living in america) is something that if you ended up not doing in the name of love and moved romania, is this something that would make you resent him or yourself later in life for not having done it?

[Unconditional]

I can relate to your situation, as I often encounter similar thoughts. The best advice I can give you is to not make too much of a deal out of it. Not saying that it isn't a huge deal, because it is, but ultimately you are only 17 and the world isn't going away anytime soon. Equally while it is wonderful being in love with that one person, you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that you could never be that in love again with someone else if you choose to walk away, there are 8 billion people in the world, chances are you could fall in love with another of them at some point in your life, even if it is not now. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, even if you make the 'wrong' decision now, there are so many opportunities during your life to completely change your track if you have the will to do it.

You have only been together for a few months, I personally would plan for both instances at the moment, as both will take a lot of time and a lot of finances behind you and a lot can happen in that time that maybe you haven't planned for. No-one can really make the decision for you as to which you should follow if you can't get them both to run parallel. You need to question each aspects with the same scrutiny, which path will you regret most if you don't follow it?

Totally agree with this.

[talim]

My opinion: I personally wouldn't move permanently to a country where I haven't spend some time to be sure I will really feel good there. Do you plan to go to college after you finish school? Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go to US for maybe a year working as au-pair or something similar, or even try to go there as an exchange student if you plan college, and then you can decide about your future path.

[snow]

The euro is stronger than the dollar. 1€ is 1,34$, so it would take her less time to get the money together to move. Which means that then 2200€ on my bank account are close to 3000$.

I had my heart set on USA long ago and my ex hated it. He never wanted me to even visit it and I put it off as a dream, but now that I am actually in the process of getting there, I feel that this is the thing I really wanted. You can give up on your dream, or you can try to compromise. What is the reasons that he doesn't want to go to America? Maybe you can find a country that he would rather move to, that you could accept as well. It really is all about talking it out.

I know the economy is bad, I know that getting into the US is hard, but a dream is a dream and these things don't put you off.

[Unconditional]

[QUOTE=snow;363955]The euro is stronger than the dollar. 1€ is 1,34$, so it would take her less time to get the money together to move. Which means that then 2200€ on my bank account are close to 3000$.
Alright, I didn't know this. Then that's not going to be a problem.

I had my heart set on USA long ago and my ex hated it. He never wanted me to even visit it and I put it off as a dream, but now that I am actually in the process of getting there, I feel that this is the thing I really wanted. You can give up on your dream, or you can try to compromise. What is the reasons that he doesn't want to go to America? Maybe you can find a country that he would rather move to, that you could accept as well. It really is all about talking it out.

I know the economy is bad, I know that getting into the US is hard, but a dream is a dream and these things don't put you off.[\QUOTE]

I can understand that, I was just saying. At 17/18 I would make my dreams a priority. Life seems to fall into place when you put yourself first. Atleast, that's what I've noticed.

[Cristiana]

I know that the question around age is important, and like some of you said, things can change. But I believe also that if this dream didnt go away after more than 10 years, and I still have it now that Im more mature and rational that when I had 11/12 years, I have doubts about it going away ever.

I would love to do those study courses but I cant afford them and even if I could, I think the maximum age is 18, which I'll be in two months. But I guess be hosted by my cousin is a good choice too. She's already waiting for me.

I guess I have to talk it out with him more seriously anyway, because when I have something stuck in my mind I start planning it and me turning 18 is a good start to plan it.

[Cristiana]

So, if I was in thisbposition and didn't like any of the compromises available, then I'd have to weigh the pros and cons on romania vs. America. For example, do you feel this (living in america) is something that if you ended up not doing in the name of love and moved romania, is this something that would make you resent him or yourself later in life for not having done it?

Maybe.

The perfect match would be moving there with him, but it is as selfish as quite impossible.
I guess a good compromise should be having a house there, like for the holidays or for summer, something like this, if he doesnt want to move at all. We'll talk it out anyway.

[lucybelle]

Well I don't know how you plan to live and work in the USA. You can't just go over and decide to live there.

Basically, you're thinking WAY too far ahead. Live in the moment. You're 17. Worry about buying houses in another 10 years or so. Also, just noticed that your relationship is only 3 months old. Slow things down a little bit girl.

[Moon]

Well I don't know how you plan to live and work in the USA. You can't just go over and decide to live there.

Basically, you're thinking WAY too far ahead. Live in the moment. You're 17. Worry about buying houses in another 10 years or so. Also, just noticed that your relationship is only 3 months old. Slow things down a little bit girl.

Agreed!

It's OK to have a dream, and it's great to work toward achieving it. If you are really sure that America is where you want to be, you have to focus your future studies into something that will give you a chance at a residency visa of some sort. The reality of it is being a tattoo artist will not get you in here, there's just no way, I'm sorry hon America is probably the most difficult country in the world to move to legally, your only chance is to marry an American, study here, or have a skill that's extremely desirable. By that I mean something in engineering, technology, some sciences or mathematics.

I promise I'm not trying to discourage you, but to give you the information you'll need to realistically work towards coming here. You are very young, and in a new relationship. Go to school, get well educated in a STEM field, make that your goal, and you might actually be able to make that dream a reality. Don't let your boyfriend discourage you, work toward your future for now, it's what you should be doing, and in 6-ish years (You'll probably need at least a Master's) you'll be ready for the rest of your life. Getting here will be HARD, but you can do it, if you really want to.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with the people commenting that you're young and your relationship is young, so there's definitely time to work on and plan toward dreams. But I also (unfortunately) echo Moon's advice that it can be.. quite challenging.. to move here.

I'm glad you're going to spend some time with your cousin to get a feel for the US, but one thing to keep in mind is that unless you're going to live in the area where you're spending time with her, it's going to be different.

I find that most Europeans *vastly* underestimate the size and diversity of the United States. And not just in climate, as you say, but in everything. In political ideals, in religious beliefs, in everything. While this can be good, because it means there's probably somewhere you can find that will jive with you, it also means there's a lot of things that you might not account for.

Do you want to live in a city, or a smaller area?

I also agree that it'd be good to talk to your SO and find out more about why specifically he doesn't want to live in the US. Again, as I mentioned, with the diversity, it's entirely possible there'd be somewhere here he'd be perfectly happy, and just isn't aware of how different it is region to region. It could also be that he has some misguided notions, like that he's going to get shot walking down the street. (Unlikely, but a lot of people think things like this because of our well-publicized idiot gun citizens.) Although don't get me wrong, there's plenty to judge the US on.

But yeah, I'd say make sure to thoroughly do your research. After having lived in Europe for awhile, there are times when I find the US extremely suffocating politically and sometimes socially, in terms of our struggles to move past religious/conservative laws and stigmas.

You'll be coming from somewhere with universal health care (I think?), regular public transportation in many areas, longer vacations, better maternity leave, etc.

Do you have a concept of where in the US you're thinking you'd want to live?