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[JMac19]

I'm from NYC my girlfriend did live in the area but was forced to move upstate after some things happened. She'll be up there 3 months come the middle of August. I've seem her a total of 4 times since she's moved. She's come home once and I've gone there 3 times. When we have been together things have been perfect otherwise when we aren't physically together things are hard. We miscommunicate through text and phone calls get each other upset or hurt one another. I get very paranoid for some reason especially last night she just started a job and one of her guy coworkers walked her home. I just felt threatened by a guy who neither of us know walking her home. She had work till 1am and the place she is staying is like a 5 minute walk. I do trust her it's just I don't trust him because I don't know him plus I feel like I should be walking her home. She called me or wants to call me on her way home because she feels more comfortable being on the phone walking home. Any advice on how I can better the communication over text especially in this situation will be deeply appreciated.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think the best way to communicate better through text is to simply say exactly what you are thinking exactly how you are thinking it so that it can't be misunderstood.

If you don't like the guy walking her home, tell her and tell her exactly why you don't like it.

[JMac19]

That is what I do and I tried explaining that to her while she was at work and it was me bossing her around because I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with him walking her home.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

Hmm. Maybe if you just said something like "I'm not bossing you around, you can do what you wish. I simply am not comfortable with a man I don't know walking my girl home, I don't want you to get hurt." Or something like that so that she knows you are simply looking out for her.

If my boyfriend told me he wasn't comfortable with me being around someone I would understand. But that is just me.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

That is what I do and I tried explaining that to her while she was at work and it was me bossing her around because I told her that I didn't feel comfortable with him walking her home.

Actually, no, it wasn't you bossing her around. You were simply expressing your feelings to her, which certainly is within your rights. I don't blame you for being concerned about her walking home with someone she just recently met at work. Even though you trust her, you don't know the other guy. For that matter, she doesn't know him either. He might be a perfectly nice guy, but she took a chance that could have had unpleasant or dangerous consequences.

Since she feels more comfortable talking to you on the phone when she is walking home, is there any reason you can't be available at that time?

I agree, it is very easy to miscommunicate, misunderstand each other, and upset each other on text. But you said you hurt each other on the phone, too. Have you tried Skype video? To me that is the best way to communicate, because you have the subtle nuances of the voice, and the non-verbal communication through facial expressions and body language. That makes it all more real.

[whatruckus]

Actually, no, it wasn't you bossing her around. You were simply expressing your feelings to her, which certainly is within your rights. I don't blame you for being concerned about her walking home with someone she just recently met at work. Even though you trust her, you don't know the other guy. For that matter, she doesn't know him either. He might be a perfectly nice guy, but she took a chance that could have had unpleasant or dangerous consequences.

Since she feels more comfortable talking to you on the phone when she is walking home, is there any reason you can't be available at that time?

I agree, it is very easy to miscommunicate, misunderstand each other, and upset each other on text. But you said you hurt each other on the phone, too. Have you tried Skype video? To me that is the best way to communicate, because you have the subtle nuances of the voice, and the non-verbal communication through facial expressions and body language. That makes it all more real.

This. I told my SO upfront when he was driving this chick he met at his job around (at the time, they had the same shift and got hired together in the same group), because she lives close to him and her and her boyfriend share a car, that I wasn't comfortable with it at all because I didn't know her and he didn't really know her. He still drove her around, but he took into consideration how it made me feel and always made sure to message me when he got home from work. He also made sure to only drive her to and from work, and never hung out with her outside of work or talked to her much.

I wasn't concerned that anything was going to happen, just not too keen on the whole idea.

I think you had every right to tell her that it made you feel uncomfortable. You were only looking out for her. I agree that you should tell her that you weren't bossing her around, just looking out for her safety, and if she can't understand that, try to reverse it. Ask her how it would make her feel if you decided to walk home a girl, that you just started working with, late at night. See what her reaction is to that.

Also, a situation where I ended up having to drive home a guy that I had class with a couple times (we had the same class) because he lives like 2 mins away from me (same town), my SO told me it made him uncomfortable. He explained it the same way you did and I completely understood. I also took measures to make sure I let my SO know I was leaving class and that I was driving this kid home. I also made sure to message him when I got home so he knew I got home okay. Turns out this kid graduated with my little cousin last June. Lol. I also think this was good for him to see where my viewpoint was coming from, because he did bring it up when I told him I wasn't comfortable with him and this chick. I replied: "That's how I feel right now." We never got into an argument about it or anything. My situation happened before my SO started his job.

Luckily though, they have completely different shifts from each other now. Though, I'm not sure how she gets to and from work if she and her boyfriend share their car. Also, my SO started getting annoyed with driving her around because he couldn't run errands right away or anything, lol.

Again, she shouldn't have made you feel bad being worried about her.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Does she actually live in a bad area, or is it more just a "peace of mind" thing for her to be on the phone while walking home?
If it's actually not a great area, being on the phone can distract you and/or make you an easier 'target' so someone walking her home isn't a bad plan.

I agree with the others that it's not "bossing her around" to let her know of your feelings, but do keep in mind that she's an adult and you can't demand that she not do something. If she's feeling that it was you bossing her around, maybe it was one of those miscommunications you mentioned. It might be worth it to try to have a discussion about it not when she's at work, so she can focus.

[differentcountries]

It is not an " I feel" statement if you can take away I feel and it still works as a sentence... Firstly, learn to live with the fact that you can neither protect nor control her from far away. If she is behaving normal and you are jealous, STOP before telling her your mind as 9 out of 10 times whatever you say will sound like a demand. Forget about this guy and consentrate about your communication. If you are interested in communicating better, anything published from Marshall Rosenberg will help you, and especially his leaflet about romantic love. He is also on YouTube.