Conventional Relationship to LDR not working out

[IDer89]

Hi all,

I'm in a bit of a rough patch with my SO and I'm looking for some understanding eyes/ears from people that have been/are in similar situations.

The back story is that I met my SO at a party in the UK at the start of our final year of university in 2011. I am a Brit and she is an American that did her entire degree in the UK. We spent the remainder of that year building our relationship and got through the stresses of completing our degrees together. After we graduated in 2012 we wanted to remain in the UK together but they stopped allowing graduates visas. So she moved back to the States and a month or so later I went with her with the intention of finding work and a visa.

It's been a long road and lots of doors closed in my face but I managed after five months in the US on a tourist visa (2 months in, 2 weeks out, 3 months in) to secure a year long internship visa from June 2013 to July 2014. I was unable to secure a longer visa which would allow me to stay in the US for 3 years initially and then extend for another 3 due to the high number of applicants for available spaces this April just gone.

As you can see this has forced us to take our conventional relationship and turn it in to an LDR which we are struggling to do. We often talked about spending the rest of our lives together, but if things had remained conventional we wouldn't get married for another couple of years. Now I know we both could get married so I could stay but she doesn't want to as her parents wouldn't approve.

This brings us to present day and things aren't going so well. We might be on the verge of breaking up, unless we already have done and I'm not clear about it. She says that she isn't happy and doesn't feel that it is practical to continue a relationship whilst we are apart and that there is no definite end goal in place. Everything relies on me getting a work in April 2015 when they open up again but if it was like this year, it seems unlikely.

She still loves me but says that she feels lonely and almost single, like we aren't in a relationship. It's hard to hear as it has only been a month that we have been apart. In my opinion love conquers all and we have been through so much as a couple in our almost three years together. We've been there through tough times together from university, stress induced illness, illnesses resulting in overnight hospital stays, job hunting, work stresses, family problems. We've also had many happy times together from vacations to exotic locations, seeing incredible performances, enjoying meals in amazing restaurants. As well as the usual comfort that comes with a relationship from just kicking back enjoying a meal at home, watching TV, going for walks.

She's missing the "conventional" side and I get that, I miss it to. But the thought of not having her at all literally cripples me and I am unable to focus. I don't want to lose her because if I hadn't been forced to move back home this wouldn't be happening. I don't know how we could remain friends after becoming so intertwined in each others lives. If we broke up I'd have to cut all ties with her because I know that I still love her and that I couldn't be apart of her life knowing that we aren't in a relationship.

Can anyone help at all? Communicating as much as I'd like has been a little hard whilst I'm home. I'm looking for a job where as she is continuing her life just minus me. She gets busy which I get but sometimes it feels like the only time she wants to talk to me is when she's stressed and needs to vent. It's been rough but I don't want to lose her or us.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

If I was you I'd simply ask her what you can do to help make the distance easier.

If she is missing the conventional side, maybe you two can do Skype dates. Like you can watch a movie together, eat dinner together, ect. These types of things help make the distance a bit easier.

Also, I'd express my concerns with her. I'd express the worries you have and how you feel about the amount you two communicate and tell her that talking more could help make the distance easier.

[differentcountries]

I think it is harder when you know what you are missing out on. Even for those of us who never lived together proper, going away /being left after a longer period of time together is harder. That bring said, there are also advages to LDR. You can learn how to communicate in ways that benifits Close Distance life, too. For instance, LD has learned me to be creative with gifts and letters, to be flexible but also make better deals, to talk about what matters, to find new ways to get intimacy going and so on. Most international couples need some years to close the distance proper. It is all about planning visits and making thewaiting time meaningful. There are lots of tips on this site on how to do these things better, and how to be there for each other when things are still hard. When it comes to practical advice on how to close the distance, there are people who have done that too and can aid to the process. But firstly, you just have to find away to change your mind about LD and stop seeing it as a punishment, but rather a good way to hold on to that special person.

[Safihre]

I have experienced a very similar situation, of being together for long multiple times and then suddenly having no new options for longer stays. Because of that, both my SO and me felt incredibly distant and she also said she felt more single then in a relationship. She didn't even want to try the Skype dates since after so long together it's just so 'fake', and I agree..
The relationship started on different things then those that start online.
Of all the things I read here like the Skype dates and lots of talking, all didn't worked for us.. We need the physical!
For us the solution was short visits in between (2 weeks long visits every 8 weeks) while organizing the next long one, which we managed eventually.

[IDer89]

I have experienced a very similar situation, of being together for long multiple times and then suddenly having no new options for longer stays. Because of that, both my SO and me felt incredibly distant and she also said she felt more single then in a relationship. She didn't even want to try the Skype dates since after so long together it's just so 'fake', and I agree..
The relationship started on different things then those that start online.
Of all the things I read here like the Skype dates and lots of talking, all didn't worked for us.. We need the physical!
For us the solution was short visits in between (2 weeks long visits every 8 weeks) while organizing the next long one, which we managed eventually.

Thanks for the reply Safihre, and to others.

Unfortunately last night she confirmed that our relationship had come to an end. We had been physically together for 2 years and 9 months, we had been living apart for 5 weeks.

I think all of the usual tactics LDR couples use wouldn't work for us as our relationship was built on being together and doing what couples do. It was either spontaneous or routine when we spent time together. Skype dating just isn't something that she was on board with and in all honesty neither was I.

I'm devastated its ended and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

[lilspitfire]

Thanks for the reply Safihre, and to others.

Unfortunately last night she confirmed that our relationship had come to an end. We had been physically together for 2 years and 9 months, we had been living apart for 5 weeks.

I think all of the usual tactics LDR couples use wouldn't work for us as our relationship was built on being together and doing what couples do. It was either spontaneous or routine when we spent time together. Skype dating just isn't something that she was on board with and in all honesty neither was I.

I'm devastated its ended and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

I'm sorry, but if she couldn't deal with something that can happen to anyone for any reason, than you are better off without her. Sometimes distance isn't a choice for many people in an LDR (army, navy, marines, etc...) they don't break up because of it. You're better off looking for someone that will be with you no matter what even through the distance. And many military wives/gfs don't see their SOs for years not just weeks.

[differentcountries]

Thanks for the reply Safihre, and to others.

Unfortunately last night she confirmed that our relationship had come to an end. We had been physically together for 2 years and 9 months, we had been living apart for 5 weeks.

I think all of the usual tactics LDR couples use wouldn't work for us as our relationship was built on being together and doing what couples do. It was either spontaneous or routine when we spent time together. Skype dating just isn't something that she was on board with and in all honesty neither was I.

I'm devastated its ended and I'm struggling to come to terms with it.

Too bad to hear that. For what its worth, it was probably for the best. If your relationship can't survive this change then it would perhaps not have survived other changes to come. Skype dating is just one of many ways of keeping in touch, personally I also like Viber calls or pic sending, whenever I get a stream of pictures I feel like I am almost there. I am confidant too that we will be able to cope with other kinds of changes, like when he goes to the military. You grow a lot of patience and adaptability from being in an LDR, I even get more "loose" in CD life. I am sorry she missed out on that uppertunity to broaden her way of being. I used to be in a LDR that did not work (my ex 10-11 years ago ex went away for 5 months), and I think one of the reasons it did not work out was that we did not do any kind of adaptions to it, so we were not able to find neither the routine nor the spontanity that you talk about and that I have in my current LDR.

[Miasmata]

As sad as it is, we have to remember that LDRs are tough and definitely not for everyone. Everyone involved needs to be able and willing to invest the effort and nerves to make it work, and that's just not something every person out there can or wants to do.

Very sad that it didn't work out for you, IDer, but at least now you have clarity. Lick your wounds and get fresh orientation on your life. I sincerely wish you the best!