What is the longest you would wait?

[Polly]

To give you all some background on my situation, my boyfriend and I met a year and a half ago living in the same city. I am 30 and he is 31. We dated for 7 months and then he got a really well paying job in another country. It was too good to turn down and the work visa is for 3 years. After that, depending on how he feels he could try to renew the visa.

We have been long distance for almost a year. Because we both work full time and aren't allowed more than 3 weeks vacation in a year, we can only see each other for an average of 4 days every two months.

On top of that, he works crazy hours, sometimes 75+ hours a week. This means he's burnt out all the time and we can only talk once or twice a week with a little bit of texting in between.

Even if we lived and dated in the same city, his work hours would have made it difficult for us to spend a lot of time together, but we are also long distance on top of that. His work is a priority for him right now.

I am having a hard time accepting the fact that we'll be long distance for 3 years, only seeing each other for only a few weeks total in a year. I have tried looking for work in the States where he is with no luck, and the job I have now is very stable and pays well.

The only thing we can do is wait it out, but there are days when I am close to giving up. The only thing that stops me is how much we love each other and I'm not ready to give that up yet.

Do you think 3 years is too long to wait? What do you do on days when you feel like giving up? I think I'm finding it especially hard because I also turned 30 this year and feel like my life is on hold until he comes back.

[Mims27]

My SO and I have been LD for 4 years and probably one more to go. Has it been hard? Hell yes! But worth the ride. Take it one day at a time and don't focus on the big number. You'd be surprised how fast it can go. Keep busy and communicate a lot. You can do it!

[differentcountries]

I have been long distance for almost a year. I am pretty sure we will be that for a couple of more years. Right now I get to see him quite a lot, that might change next year. Because he works season he cant take time off at all when I see him. It is quite hard, but better than nothing. On days that I feel like giving up, I remind myself on the good times we have had and the nice things we still do, like him making me honey flavoured banana milk shakes and telling me everything is better when I am around. When he got a whole day off from work in July that was like a miracle, we went on a boat trip and had the best sex ever. He is just the best thing. I am past 30, in fact in a few months I am 35. The only thing that really bugs me is kids, but I can't have them right now because of work anyway, they will come in time. He makes everything worth it.

I think that after the three years he should consider getting a different job, if the two of you should have a future together.

[abna1]

We're looking at 4-5 years of LD, too. It's definitely doable, even though it can get very hard. Like Mims said, don't focus on the big number. Take small steps, like the time in between visits (which can be long enough too, I know).
Stay strong! It will be worth it in the end

[rhabdoviridae]

We went into the LDR knowing that it would be four years. Having a definite end date (my graduation) has been immensely helpful when the going gets tough. I've also made sure to keep myself as busy as possible, especially on weekends when we'd normally have a lot of time together. It's not fun, but I thin it's worth it.

I know the feeling of life being on hold and I hate it, but I tell myself I just have to make it to X date and I'm done. Without an end date, I think I'd be a little less tolerant of big stretches of time.

[Unconditional]

Honestly, ill wait as long as I have to to finally be CD. Yes, it's hard, but when things are hard iblike to journal my feelings, it helps a lot. Also, having friends who know what you're going through is nice too.

[R&R]

This is our second time around, but if you total it up, we've been in a LDR for almost a year and a half. We're looking at a minimum of 9 month to a max of another 2 years before we can close the distance.

My daughters SO is in a special military program for 3 years and she only gets to see him once a year during the first two years as he's overseas for those. They have finished one year - two to go. She's 18 and he's 22 and they are making it work.

3 years can certainly be done. The question is, what happens after those 3 years and if he decides to stay longer? Can you and are you willing to relocate if he finds this is where he wants to stay? You have plenty of time to figure it out but I personally wouldn't wait until the very end of those three years to have the discussion.

[JaneEmily]

Come October, I'd have been long distance with my SO for three whole years. That's the whole duration of our relationship.

We would have preferred to have closed the distance this year, but things never really like to follow your ideal route in life - so next year we're looking to definitely close it. Personally, I would wait however long it took. I know what I have with him is something I'll likely never find in another person and I'm willing to be patient to finally have the person I see as the love of my life permanently.

Saying that, I do think it depends on the person, their other half and the relationship. If you feel like you can't handle waiting that long then you need to be honest with yourself and your SO. It'd be unfair to drag a relationship out that long if you feel and know inside that it's something you'd rather not have to do - in regards of waiting. I think you need to have a really honest discussion with your SO if you're feeling doubtful about having the patience to go through an LDR that long. I really think it depends on if you want your relationship now as much (if not more or less) as you did before you started LD. Everyone is different imo, and you shouldn't feel bad if you feel like you can't handle the distance. Most of us, if not all, find the distance really shitty at times but we still hold on because we all believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we believe if we can overcome the mileage then anything is possible - because the tough part of being forced to be apart will eventually be over even for those who have to wait 5+ years or more.

[Polly]

Thanks everyone. It helps to know others have to wait it out as long as me or longer! When speaking to him, he has made it clear that the job is temporary, because all of his friends and family, and of course, me are back home. He eventually wants to return home, but I'm afraid he might change his mind in the end even though he has told me he has no desire to apply for a green card and doesn't feel like the States is his home. I told him I wasn't going to wait for him forever, and 3 years is a long time to wait, but that I would try because I love him and want to be with him.

I would be willing to relocate right now if I could get a work visa, and have applied to jobs, but have had no luck. The only way US immigration would allow me to stay longer while he is there is if we were A. Married or B. I had a company sponsor me for a work visa.

My boyfriend doesn't feel it would be right to get married for the convienence of it, and he feels we can't make that decision until we have lived together first.

So far, we are almost a year long distance, which is pretty good. Especially since we have only seen each other for a total of 3 weeks in the year. Most of my friends are impressed by that.

[whatruckus]

My SO and I have always been LD since we met. We've been together for about 1yr and 8 months, and we're still looking at ATLEAST 3 or 4 more years until we can close the distance due to the fact that I'm in school. It'll take me another year to finish my pre-req's (since I had to take remedial courses first, ugh) and then see if I get into the Dental Hygiene program, and then the program itself is 2 years. The only way we could close the distance sooner is if: A) He gets his own place, or his friend lets me move in with them (once he moves out from his uncle's place in a few weeks...we're hoping), B) I can get into a Dental Hygiene program at his city's community college (which I'd rather not do because the program I'd be going into here is at Rutgers, and I feel a degree from Rutgers means more than a community college degree. It would've been from UMDNJ, but they merged with Rutgers), and C) I was able to find a stable, good paying job in his area that was flexible enough for school (highly unlikely I would find one, being that the only flexible jobs out there are retail). So I mean, if you're willing to make it work, and you want to make it work, it can work. There have been many success stories from couples on this site, as well as some sad ones, but it can definitely work if you both want it.

Am I afraid my SO might back out? Of course, but I'm sure everyone here has felt that way at some point. Even if you were CD, there's always that fear it won't work. That being said, I try not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I do because I want it so bad.

All you can do is take it one day at a time and keep trying.

[TaraMarie]

We are on 2 1/2 years....... I need this to be over.

[Moon]

I've been in an LDR for 5 years, and have no plans at all to close the distance, so we'll be LD indefinitely. My situation is different though, in that I couldn't care less about marriage, and I'm in my 40's, so kids are not a consideration. Is it an ideal situation? Nope, it can be really hard, but I'd rather be LD than not have my guy at all, so... Also, neither of us are that interested in moving to the other's country for many reasons, so we'll stay LD for the foreseeable future. It works for us, we're both incredibly independent people who are otherwise perfect for each other. You're looking at a couple of years, you can do it, if you really want to. It's rough, but definitely doable, if it's worth it enough to you.

[mariakei29]

if u really love the person theres no near or far

New here

[sarahjane1992]

My SO and I have been LD for our entire relationship. Which will be a year and a half in October. For us, closing the distance is out of reach at the moment. The biggest obstacle is money. I'm so thankful both our families are supportive and encouraging. That helps a lot.
We discuss closing the distance every now and then, but mostly we try and make it work. For us there's no true time limit. Not knowing when we'll close the distance makes it harder but it's always worth it. <3

[Bobbiejeanne]

While (luckily) I'll be temporarily closing the distance in 10 days, after the school year is up (and I graduate from college), we're looking at upwards of 8 years in an LDR. I believe our relationship is worth the wait, and that as long as we take it one step at a time, anything is doable.

3 years can either be the longest period of time ever, or just a blink of an eye. As long as you stay optimistic, keep communicating, and hopefully have a few nice visits, everything can work out!

Best of luck to you two.