What is the longest you would wait?

[Alsfia]

We were LD for the first 2 years of our relationship, we temporarily closed the distance in January when I started my gap year, I was living with him and his family. We're currently living together on our own in Finland until Christmas (if nothing changes), and we'll stay together for the remainder of our gap year which ends September -15 when we go to uni. We go to different unis but we'll shorten the distance since I'll start uni in Scotland and him in northern England, but we'll still be LD for 4 more years during our bachelors. We both want to pursue masters but we have no clue where or if we'll be able to do it together, so we might have to add another 2 years LD. I love being CD but I'm not worrying about the years apart, and in fact we both will make uni our priority anyway so it suits us, even if it'll be hard being apart.

[Ahava]

We're looking at approx 10+ years...2 years nearly done. It is still a question mark when we can be together, but around when the kids have grown up.
Wanna trade? I'd be super happy to wait three years!

I'm okay with the situation as long as the world doesn't get blown up before our time is done.

[snow]

Any time would be doable with visits. I did 4 in my past relationship and am getting close to 2 1/2 in this one.

[TwoThree]

We have been together long-distance for five years and a half, and hoping to close the distance within the year, but I do not put a deadline on us. If life doesn't permit that we close the distance any time soon, I will wait as long as it takes. I'm not just saying that while in the throes of passion or anything. I do not want anything else for myself and my future, so if we close the distance at age 45, well, too bad for not having kids, and I'll still consider myself lucky. And the good thing is, I know he feels exactly the same.

[Miasmata]

I honestly don't know. My SO is worth any wait that we gotta face, but I'm not sure I would have the energy to last through many years of LDR. When everyone involved puts their mind and effort to it, you can make an LDR work, but I don't believe it can go on infinitely for all couples. At least for me, having a finish line in view makes things doable; I know that all the sacrifices we make go towards a clear goal. Once my SO has his Master's degree, we can set everything else into motion that's needed for his move here, and he's very close to finishing his degree. I really don't know if I would have the same endurance if things were much more nebulous. I love my SO more than anything in the world, but it's unrealistic for me to think that I have inifinte patience and energy. I don't believe I could make it longer than a few years, especially without a clear goal.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Holy cow, I didn't realize how long some of you had already been doing this/have to go! Yay for strong relationships that are worth the distance.

[Unconditional]

We're looking at anywhere from 2-5 years...2 if I'm lucky and everything goes great and as planned- hopefully. Even if it's longer due to unforeseen circumstances, which do happen, I don't believe I could ever put an expiration on the relationship simply because it'll take to long to close the distance. I mean, there's Skype, and visits, and treasured memories you both have made together to look back on while separated.
Is LDR for a long while hard, well yeah of course! However, if you believe your relationship is worth it, then you don't give up. If he can make all your worries leave your head just by hearing his voice, well to me, that's worth it.
"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have."

[conejita_hada]

I don't know how long I could do the distance. My feeling toward it depends on the day but ultimately, I think it would be okay if we couldn't close the distance at our goal point (end of 2016). It's hard, but we both made the decision that the other person is worth the wait so we're planning on sticking it through.

[kittyxuchiha11]

we're looking at probably at least another 3 or 4 more years depending on how things go. she's hoping to try get a scholarship for university here in a couple of years but of course there is a lot of competition to get them so that might not work out. our second plan is the fiancee visa but that takes time as well so yeah it's not gonna be easy whichever way we do it.
Another 4 years at most hopefully, and if it takes longer then we'll just have to wait longer.

[GuineaPunk]

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think I would wait for much longer than 3 years, I don't think I have it in me.

I would imagine that it is much easier when you have an end date in mind (albeit rough) to act as a light at the end of the tunnel, this is something I crave increasingly as time goes by. If I am brutally honest with myself if we are still in a position with no end goal in sight in the next 2-3 years I would imagine that I would have to call it quits however much we love each other. Can't sit on standby forever, life is too short!

[differentcountries]

I think waiting is harder on him. He a
says he is not getting younger and in time he would like permanent solutions. He has friends and colleagues that has wives long distance but it is not ideal. Also I feel I must prove myself to him more since I can't marry him.

[curious_gal518]

My SO and I are LD for almost 11 months now. We are looking into more or less 3-5 years before we can close the distance.

For us, closing the distance while we're not yet financially stable will cause more harm in our relationship than good. So we've decided to wait it out until we have enough savings then go from there.

[Petals]

OP, I definitely understand your concern especially at age 30.

If I didn't foresee closing the distance within 2+ years of meeting in person I would not have started a LDR. I am a little older than you and childless so can't afford to be in a never-ending LDR. Plan A for closing the distance next year has hit a snag so we have moved on to plan B for 2016 (at the mercy of immigration) and we have a plan C. To make sure we cover all our bases we have seen a migration lawyer to explore all our options and lessen the liklihood of a negative immi result. We are both eager to close the distance and if I sensed he wasn't as anxious to close the distance, I would have no choice but to end the relationship.


It's been a year, so surely he can have a good idea as to whether he sees you as someone he can marry at some point, if marriage is important to either of you. You say he wants to live together first before marriage, so you already know that you will probably be around 35 before he decides IF you are compatible (food for thought). Have a serious discussion with him during the next visit regarding the growth of the relationship. Don't hang your hopes on vague promises/discussions.

Be honest with yourself about the state of the relationship at present. Do you see him as a long-term partner right now- based on what you know about him and how he treats you? Are you near the top of his list of priorities or are you near the bottom of his list of priorities. Don't focus on the 'end' goal only but be honest about the relationship as it is now. Many times, as women we focus on marriage and children as the end goal and overlook important matters of the relationship until it's too late.

Most people here who have been in LDR for a longtime have a definite end goal and are comfortable with their decision. Many are also in their 20s so don't have to be overly concerned about their biological clock.



What do you want? What would make you comfortable waiting?

Answer these questions then have a discussion with him. If these needs can't be met in the relationship then don't waste your time.

[Rainbow]

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and also almost all of that that time Long Distance. He is from Louisiana and I live in Colorado. He has a 15 year old son in Louisiana and I have have two children 9 and 12. I can't move out of state with the kids without my ex's permission and he feels really guilty when he's away from his son and feels that he should be with him, also his son doesn't want to move to Colorado because of school etc. My boyfriend was just here with me until a couple weeks ago and this time he was here for about 4 month, before that he stayed with me for one other period of time for 4 month or so. Inbetween that we just visited every 3 month or so for 2 weeks or so at a time. It does get soooo hard at times, I just had an episode after he left where I almost gave up. But after to talking to him I changed my mind again and I can see the positive things again and that he is just worth it, because it is like we're made for each other. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding that he wants to be where his son is, but that I remember too, how important my kids are to me. We are also looking at probably another 2 years or so before he would move here, when his son is still older. But it would help to exchange experiences with other people that are in the same situation. And you just have to call each other a lot, text, skype, we skype every two weeks or so, sometimes it's frustrating cause it doesn't work right, but other times it works and it does really help to at least being able to see him and see him look at me and look in his eyes. But it is doable, you need to trust each other and communicate a lot.

[Polly]

OP, I definitely understand your concern especially at age 30.

If I didn't foresee closing the distance within 2+ years of meeting in person I would not have started a LDR. I am a little older than you and childless so can't afford to be in a never-ending LDR. Plan A for closing the distance next year has hit a snag so we have moved on to plan B for 2016 (at the mercy of immigration) and we have a plan C. To make sure we cover all our bases we have seen a migration lawyer to explore all our options and lessen the liklihood of a negative immi result. We are both eager to close the distance and if I sensed he wasn't as anxious to close the distance, I would have no choice but to end the relationship.


It's been a year, so surely he can have a good idea as to whether he sees you as someone he can marry at some point, if marriage is important to either of you. You say he wants to live together first before marriage, so you already know that you will probably be around 35 before he decides IF you are compatible (food for thought). Have a serious discussion with him during the next visit regarding the growth of the relationship. Don't hang your hopes on vague promises/discussions.

Be honest with yourself about the state of the relationship at present. Do you see him as a long-term partner right now- based on what you know about him and how he treats you? Are you near the top of his list of priorities or are you near the bottom of his list of priorities. Don't focus on the 'end' goal only but be honest about the relationship as it is now. Many times, as women we focus on marriage and children as the end goal and overlook important matters of the relationship until it's too late.

Most people here who have been in LDR for a longtime have a definite end goal and are comfortable with their decision. Many are also in their 20s so don't have to be overly concerned about their biological clock.



What do you want? What would make you comfortable waiting?

Answer these questions then have a discussion with him. If these needs can't be met in the relationship then don't waste your time.

Your words have expressed exactly how I am feeling! If my SO and I were still in school or in our twenties, I would definitely be more patient. Even now, I feel I am being pretty patient given the fact that he says he wouldn't feel ready for marriage without living together first, so you are right, we would both be in at least our mid 30s before this all happens. We have had serious discussions about marriage, and he says he can see us being married, but he wants to take his time. In his words, he wants our relationship to progress, and he has said that when he moves back he wants us to live together.

I have heard of people being long distance and getting married after dating long distance for awhile. With my SO, even after 3 years of being long distance, he doesn't see us getting married or getting on that path until we have closed the distance and lived together for awhile. I am ready for marriage, but I also love him and I know that he loves me. He is a very rational person, and takes his time making decisions, while I make my decisions purely on emotion. I think if we were living together right now, and seeing each other all the time, he would be in more of the right mental space to think of us being married, but with the long distance, his busy work schedule and being over committed at work, and us not being together in the same place, the idea of us being married and making such a major life changing decision is hard for him to comprehend right now. He said it would be different if we had a conventional relationship, because with long distance, the relationship progresses slower.

I am at the top of his priorities, because he has been paying for most of my flights to visit him, and when I have expressed my need for more communication he tries his best depending on how much his work demands of him. I have tried imagining if I could be happy with someone else, and rationally I know it is possible, but my heart says that he's the one for me.

Right now, I am trying to be patient, and I don't want to pressure him. He told me the long distance has forced the both of us to ask serious questions and make decisions he's not ready to make right now.