What is the longest you would wait?

[Petals]

Your words have expressed exactly how I am feeling! If my SO and I were still in school or in our twenties, I would definitely be more patient. Even now, I feel I am being pretty patient given the fact that he says he wouldn't feel ready for marriage without living together first, so you are right, we would both be in at least our mid 30s before this all happens. We have had serious discussions about marriage, and he says he can see us being married, but he wants to take his time. In his words, he wants our relationship to progress, and he has said that when he moves back he wants us to live together.

I have heard of people being long distance and getting married after dating long distance for awhile. With my SO, even after 3 years of being long distance, he doesn't see us getting married or getting on that path until we have closed the distance and lived together for awhile. I am ready for marriage, but I also love him and I know that he loves me. He is a very rational person, and takes his time making decisions, while I make my decisions purely on emotion. I think if we were living together right now, and seeing each other all the time, he would be in more of the right mental space to think of us being married, but with the long distance, his busy work schedule and being over committed at work, and us not being together in the same place, the idea of us being married and making such a major life changing decision is hard for him to comprehend right now. He said it would be different if we had a conventional relationship, because with long distance, the relationship progresses slower.

I am at the top of his priorities, because he has been paying for most of my flights to visit him, and when I have expressed my need for more communication he tries his best depending on how much his work demands of him. I have tried imagining if I could be happy with someone else, and rationally I know it is possible, but my heart says that he's the one for me.

Right now, I am trying to be patient, and I don't want to pressure him. He told me the long distance has forced the both of us to ask serious questions and make decisions he's not ready to make right now.

OK, so you have had serious discussions with him on the matter and he has given the matter some thought - good sign. LDR definitely forces us to consider aspects of relationships at a different pace than if we were in the same geographic location, so yes we have to realize that often a different approach is necessary. I think the issue here lies in the fact that his job is his focus right now and there's nothing wrong with that, except you are focused elsewhere. If a family life were his focus, he would most likely abandon the idea of MUST having lived together before marriage. My SO and I wanted that too, but it isn't possible so we will forgo that but spend as much time visiting each other.

Since the relationship is satisfying in other aspects and you feel like a priority in his life, then I think you should be patient. Let the relationship progress naturally over the next year then re-evaluate.

I do think however, that you should get confirmation that he will not extend his contract because that WILL be a big indicator of whether you are wasting your time.

All the best!

[angeldi]

Hi. We have been in a LDR for 8 years. Never feel like giving up. Love does not have doubts. I know its hard and sometimes you may wonder. But when the time is right it will be. Communication is the major key. No matter how far away or how long its been you have to follow your heart. You say you dont give up because of how much you love each other. Once you find someone who can make you feel that kind of love, its worth the wait. =) I hope everything works out for you. Keep smiling and keep the faith. I never feel doubt or wonder. I just know I love him and one day we will be together. Even so thats just physical, we have so much more, I hope you do to. I cant explain it to well about not being together physically, because when love is so strong and in your heart you know it. I wish you the best in your relationship.

[thehappyhope]

It's a good question. I actually don't know. Our current plan is to close the distance after 8 months of LDR, but it could stretch to as long as 14 months, or even longer, if everything goes awry.

I know that if anything doesn't go according to plan, and it will stretch for a 2-3 years, I would definitely at least give it a try, albeit being really demoralised after failing to fall through with our initial plans, but I wonder what my decision would've been, if we had not had any plans from the start.