Feel like giving up

[Polly]

What do you do when you have a workaholic boyfriend who is living in another country? I feel that lately, even though he tries to make time for me, it's not always consistent because he sometimes works every day till really late. By late, I mean till 1-3 am! Sure, life happens and I try to be flexible, but what if it's like that 75% of the time. Even in CD relationships, where one person spends all their waking time working can be a strain on the relationship. We have long distance on top of that.

He's always tired from work, is worn out, so I try to be understanding, but I have started to feel really lonely and like I'm growing apart from him, because his work is taking over all of his attention. I have brought this up before, but then I feel guilty because he has no control over the workload his manager gives him, or if he gets called out or has to work over the weekend.

Like yesterday, I asked him if he had 15 mins to spare for a short phone call when he got home, and he told me he couldn't promise that at the moment because he would be working late.

I'm starting to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship where my SO would be more available, where I wouldn't have to compete with work for his attention. I'm starting to not feel close to him at all, even though I love him. When we do talk, he's his normal self, and I can tell he's fine with how things are in our relationship unlike me. I think he could tell something felt weird with me, though, but I didn't want to have a serious talk and stress him out when he is already having difficulties at work.

I'm basically the girlfriend who has the boyfriend who works until he needs to eat and sleep. His work is affecting our relationship in terms of how I feel, because I'm starting to feel more and more detached emotionally even though I love him.

I don't know how to tell him what to do to make things better. I also want to be supportive of his needs. I confess, I feel resentful a lot of the time by how much his work is his life right now. He thinks about, talks about, even dreams about work, and then he's too tired most of the time to do much else.

[Unconditional]

My SO is a workaholic as well, and yes, it sucks. Does it bother me? Heck yes! He knows this, and he tries really hard bless his heart. He hates that he's like this, but he can't help it. Which means, I kind of have to get used to it. I know it sucks oh, believe me I know it! However, is he busy ALL of the time at work or just lately? Depending what he does for an occupation there could just be a huge project going on. Also, the one day where he got off because his co-worker finished his work, that wouldn't be fair to do that to the co-worker every day therefore your SO can't just go home early and leave the work to his coworker. I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you, because for me, I just try to be understandable I mean, it's not his fault he has to work so often. Yeah I hate it, yeah out makes me resentful sometimes.

[Polly]

This was the first time in almost a year he has willingly went home early. "Early" is 9 at night! He told me not everyone stays late all the time, and he says he stays late because once you're on a roll it's hard to stop. When I asked him if he had to stay late that night when I wanted a call, he said he always has a choice to stay late or not, and so he was fine to call, even though I had to insist on it. I had a feeling he would have preferred to stay late to get more work done, even if it wasn't vital. He was finishing something up that night and his co-worker was fine with completing it for him. I know my boyfriend has done similar things for other staff too, but no I normally wouldn't expect that of him if he really couldn't do it.

He works for a start up company and they need more staff so he is always overloaded with projects. Also, he is the type of person who gets asked for help with other peoples projects. And he is on call rotation where you can get called out at anytime. So, yes. It's like this all of the time.

[Unconditional]

The first phone call I ever asked my SO to give me, he was working stupid late. I told him I'd still be up wen he got out, he was worried hevwoukd wake me up. Well, he did, at around six in the morning! See, but he made time though. Granted he can't do it all the time, but he really tries and that's all I can ask of him.
He doesn't work EVERY day though right?

[Polly]

He doesn't work weekends, although sometimes he does work Saturdays too. I know my boyfriend tries his best, which is why I haven't really said anything about how I feel about his work, but I still feel really alone. Sometimes I feel like I can't be strong enough to handle this. I feel being negative won't help, so I try to focus on the positive, but I'm starting to feel distant because I feel alone in our relationship.

I don't know how everyone else here does it, which is why hearing your stories does make it easier for me, but it is so hard!

[Unconditional]

I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to be strong, sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.
That being said can you really be angry if he's trying? If you ever get really lonely shoot me a message, I get that way sometimes too, it's better to talk to someone about it ^-^

[Moon]

I have a workaholic boyfriend who not only lives in a different country, he lives on a different continent, with a 7 hour time difference How we deal with it is by having a set time to talk, even on weekends. And yeah, he spends way too much of it talking about work, which does irritate me, since I work there, too. It's how we met.

We don't text, or FB, or anything like that (unless there's important info that needs to be passed before our talk time), I come home from work about 6pm, hurry up to get situated on my laptop, and there he is, at 1am his time. At least once a week, sometimes twice, he passes out on me, and there are plenty of evenings where I have to work late. Sometimes, he's out with friends. But...we make it work. We've been together over 5 years, and we're used to our routine. It's not the most ideal situation, but what can ya do?

[differentcountries]

My boyfriend is far from workaholic, he puts in enough effort but he works 10 + hours absolutely every day for about 9 months a year and is often exhausted from work too . It is not of his own choosing, it is just the work hours he has in season. That doesn't stop me from sometimes resenting his work. But it is better in slow season. Hopefully he will change jobs in a couple of years. The good thing is we have only one hour time difference.

[Polly]

I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to be strong, sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.
That being said can you really be angry if he's trying? If you ever get really lonely shoot me a message, I get that way sometimes too, it's better to talk to someone about it ^-^

Thanks, sometimes it's better to vent to someone else rather than to my SO.

I don't get angry at him about it because i know he's trying. It does make me feel real lonely though.

[Kapwned]

Sometimes we have to stop and be grateful for what we can get. You could try pushing for some structure or plan of attack of sorts. Sometimes I will plan my evenings around getting time with my SO. He has a condition which causes a lot of fatigue and sleeping. So on days when he sleeps through the night, I shower that night and instead of showering when I get up, I get online and talk to him if he happens to be online. Or I might take a bit of a nap in the early evening and try to catch him in the late hours.

You could kind of try doing what I do. If there are any noninvasive ways you can try to accommodate him, try it. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. If you can't talk at night, maybe talk in the morning if you're both up at the same time. Or make his days off special days where you talk a little bit more, which I'm sure you already do.