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    #1

    friends with members of the opposite sex

    Dear all,

    what's your (and your SO's) stand on having friends who are members of the opposite sex (or same sex for those in LGBT relationships) while on LDR?

    I have a male friend that has always been a good friend of mine for many years now. Sometimes we do spend time together, and we don't really have mutual friends, so it's usually just the two of us. (I've been meaning to introduce some friends, so that we can all hang out together, but in Singapore everyone's really busy, and it's a little hard to arrange). My SO has never said a word of complaint, actually. In fact, he seems happy that I have a life outside him and not just mope in my room.

    Yesterday, he was out with a mutual female friend of ours. I don't think that he will ever cheat on me, or with her, for that matter, but I can't really say I'm perfectly comfortable with the idea of him going out at night with another girl either. She's leaving the country soon, so that's probably why they had to meet up, but, yeah. I don't know what I'm rambling on now.

    I'm not exactly jealous, maybe just a little uncomfortable. But I also feel like I don't really have the right to complain, since I, too, have a male friend.

    I just want to know, how do you guys manage this issue? What kind of agreement, implicit or otherwise, do you have with your SOs?

    Thanks!
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    #2
    Ugh, that's always a pickle. My SO and I both have friends of the opposite sex and it is usually not an issue for either of us. He actually made a point of discussing this very early in the relationship, and I think it made it easier. We spoke about boundaries, i.e. physical contact, and we are more or less on the same page, but that doesn't mean I have been completely jealousy-free either (maybe that counts for him too, I don't know). There is one female friend of his in particular that sort of sets my internal alarms off, mostly by avoiding meeting me ever since he and I got together, and also by having affairs outside of her own relationship. I don't want to be a bitch about it, but I sort of let my SO know that it made me skittish and he has been very understanding of it.

    I think the gist of it is, I trust him and we talk about it. Also, keep in mind that you are probably jealous of the time she gets to spend with him, time that you don't get, at least not so often. Good luck!

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      #3
      I have friends of the opposite sex and so does he. I don't really care if you would hang out with female friends because I hang out with my male friends and I trust him completely.
      Since I haven't met my bf yet I don't know any of his friends, just from FB I can tell that who his friends are.
      But I am really excited to meet them someday.

      I am not jealous as long as he doesn't give me a reason to be.

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        #4
        We had this debate early on. He has never been jealous of my friends and coworkers, nor my husband for that matter. We both meet lots of people on and off work of all genders, we both have close friends of either sex. I have seen women trying to flirt with him but since he is pretty indifferent my jealousy doesn't strike hard. It is the same by me I guess, he knows guys want to flirt with me but he trusts me. He was a little jealous that I had male employees massaging me at the spa but I opted we would go together next time. Our friends are not a problem ever, exept of course his best female friend is like an overprotective sister and disaproves of me.
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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          #5
          My SO and me trust each other completely, and we both have friends of various genders without issue. Neither of us are the jealous type, and we don't give each other reason to be. He gets all flustered and happy when other ladies flirt with him, and that's the whole extent of what comes out of it - He enjoys the attention. I think he deserves that attention, so I don't feel bad in the least.

          If I felt something was up with him and a friend, I would talk to him about it, but it's not a reason to think all contact with women is a risk. You don't just fall for every single person who is of the gender you are attracted to, especially not if you are happy and fulfilled in a relationship already.

          As always, it's incredibly important to communicate and discuss your feelings. Trust can only be established and maintained if you give each other a chance and if you keep being honest with each other.
          Last edited by Miasmata; August 17, 2014, 07:04 AM.

          ~
          It'll take a lot more than words and guns
          A whole lot more than riches and muscle
          The hands of the many must join as one
          And together we'll cross the river

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            #6
            I only really have one really close friend who i see 2+ times a week and since he's gay (and i'm a lesbian) it isn't a big deal at all. I did used to have quite a few close female friends but we drifted apart when they all got boyfriends and i started dating my SO. so really my gay friend is my only really close friend I ever see. I sometimes see a female close friend but yet again it isn't a big deal even if she is bi because She thinks my So and I fare the cutest couple alive and so my SO likes her a lot because of that (and because my friend is crazy and in a great way). I dont know really, friends have never been a problem in our relationship because all of our friends think we're such a cute couple they wouldn't even interfere.
            There was an incident that actually came to light while i was visiting my SO that a friend of hers was telling my SO that i was going to break up with her and she should break up with me first. the friend was saying this because she likes my SO and was trying to break us up so she could take my place. my SO being the oblivious little thing she is had no idea what was going on with her friend until i explain it to her. i guess it probably should have bothered me but it just really didn't. i mean, i joked with my So about it and she was so distraught at even the thought of being with her friend instead of me that i knew it was something i didn't need to worry about. I trust her more than i've trusted anyone i've ever been with.
            basically yeah we get jealous of each others friends but not in a bad way. more of a we envy each others friends because we wish we could be them. like she'll go around to her a friends house for a drink and i'll feel more envious of her friends because they're getting to drink and have fun with her while i'm stuck at home 3000 miles away from her.
            my girls <3

            Josie (SO)
            Met online ~ 17th August 2017 ~
            Met in person ~ 30th August 2017 ~
            Became official ~ 15th September 2017 ~
            Closed the distance and moved in together! ~ 18th June 2018 ~

            Ash
            Met online ~ 21st November 2018 ~
            Met in person ~ 26th November 2018 ~
            Became official ~ 4th December 2018 ~
            All moved in together! ~ 30th May 2019 ~

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              #7
              It's not a big deal for us. It would only be an issue, if they were taking time off of our together time. If he cancelled a date for a friend, I would be annoyed, not jealous, but annoyed.

              Relationship began: 05/22/2012
              First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
              Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
              Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
              Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
              Married: 1/24/2015
              Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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                #8
                Originally posted by OperaDiva View Post
                Ugh, that's always a pickle. My SO and I both have friends of the opposite sex and it is usually not an issue for either of us. He actually made a point of discussing this very early in the relationship, and I think it made it easier. We spoke about boundaries, i.e. physical contact, and we are more or less on the same page, but that doesn't mean I have been completely jealousy-free either (maybe that counts for him too, I don't know). There is one female friend of his in particular that sort of sets my internal alarms off, mostly by avoiding meeting me ever since he and I got together, and also by having affairs outside of her own relationship. I don't want to be a bitch about it, but I sort of let my SO know that it made me skittish and he has been very understanding of it.

                I think the gist of it is, I trust him and we talk about it. Also, keep in mind that you are probably jealous of the time she gets to spend with him, time that you don't get, at least not so often. Good luck!
                I agree. I'm in the same boat. I don't like my SO's one best friend who is a girl. They were also supposed to date a while ago, but "it just never happened" according to him. She also hasn't wanted to meet me since I've been with my SO, and we're coming up on a Year and Eight Months. She refers to me as "The Girlfriend" and nothing else when they talk. I talked to my SO about it and how it made me feel uncomfortable because of the fact that they were supposed to date, and he actually hasn't hung out with her since. They talk every now and then (rarely now, since we talked), but I think since I was honest with him and told him that it made me feel weird, he took it into consideration. I never told him to not be friends with her, or hang out with her, and I would never do that.

                It also doesn't help me much with my jealousy because my ex had friends who were girls and they constantly flirted with each other to the point where he would put us on "breaks" while he pursued them, after I would tell him I wasn't comfortable with them. All this my SO knows.

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                  #9
                  Originally posted by whatruckus View Post
                  It also doesn't help me much with my jealousy because my ex had friends who were girls and they constantly flirted with each other to the point where he would put us on "breaks" while he pursued them, after I would tell him I wasn't comfortable with them. All this my SO knows.
                  That's really bad. I'm glad that it's all in the past for you.

                  I feel more clear-headed now. I guess most of the times I'm okay with the thought of him out with another girl, because I believe that he won't ever cheat on me.

                  I was just a little insecure a little bit in the past, ironically because I had cheated on my ex before (not with my SO). It was a bad decision, being in a downhill relationship didn't excuse it one bit, but now I am all the more resolved not to let it happen again. I can't afford to hurt my SO, he's to gentle a soul..

                  Yeah, most of the times when there's 'jealousy', it's more like envying that other people got to be physically close to him and I'm stuck here, more that 10000km away from him -.- Spending time together online really helps, though. He makes me feel cherished, and it's not easy to make me feel so :')

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                    #10
                    Originally posted by thehappyhope View Post
                    That's really bad. I'm glad that it's all in the past for you.

                    I feel more clear-headed now. I guess most of the times I'm okay with the thought of him out with another girl, because I believe that he won't ever cheat on me.

                    I was just a little insecure a little bit in the past, ironically because I had cheated on my ex before (not with my SO). It was a bad decision, being in a downhill relationship didn't excuse it one bit, but now I am all the more resolved not to let it happen again. I can't afford to hurt my SO, he's to gentle a soul..

                    Yeah, most of the times when there's 'jealousy', it's more like envying that other people got to be physically close to him and I'm stuck here, more that 10000km away from him -.- Spending time together online really helps, though. He makes me feel cherished, and it's not easy to make me feel so :')
                    Exactly. I trust my SO and he's even told me that he knows (and all of his friends and family know) that it would be the biggest mistake of his life if he cheated on me, and that he knows he would completely stupid if he did it. It's just the one friend I'm iffy about because she makes it pretty obvious she doesn't like me.

                    If you become concerned again, all you have to do is let him know. The worst thing is to hold it in.

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                      #11
                      Ehh It still bugs me tbh :-/.

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