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    #1

    How to handle jealousy?

    So, back at the end of April I moved across the country to be with my boyfriend after knowing him for about 6 months and seeing each other in person 3 times. In hindsight, it was too quick. We were so in love that we jumped at the first chance we had to be together. It was stressful and full of problems from the beginning. I won't go into all of that, but the cards were stacked against us, but we REALLY tried hard. Last month, we decided that we were going to temporarily go back to a long distance relationship till we can get issues in our life ironed out.

    Now I have this other issue... jealousy. The green eyed monster. Oh, and what a monster it is. When I was with him, and even before I moved, I never felt ANY kind of jealousy. But now that we are apart again, it is rearing it's ugly head pretty often. Part of it, I know, is just the fact that people other than myself get to spend time with him and I am jealous of that. I want to be spending time with him and I can't. The other part - he moved to LA to be an actor and he is going to be working with women. Pretty women. I am trying to learn to deal with that & it's hard. He uses his Facebook page for networking...not really for personal stuff. We are friends there, though. What set me off enough that I needed to make this post was that some girl he met on a set or audition or something said "Look at you, handsome!" as a comment on a picture he posted. Ugh. I know I am being ridiculous, but I can't get my brain to shut up.

    And he has done NOTHING to make me feel like I need to be jealous of anything. He is very blunt & honest and he over shares in an attempt to make me feel comfortable since we are apart. I don't know exactly when I will see him again & I don't know when we will be living together again. So my question is.. how do you deal with any jealousy that might come up while you're apart?
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    #2
    Settling dates for visits. That helps with almost every issue we have. The uncertainty makes the head spin.

    I get the part of wanting to be the one who spends time with him. Strictly speaking, though, that is envy more than jealousy.

    SO works with all kinds of people as custumers. He is quite charming (that is what I fell for) and especially MILF women tend to have a soft spot for him. I sometimes feel a bit threatend by that - I don't care about the younger girls, but if a woman is pretty, and older than me, and richer than me I might feel a bit... like I can't compare. Also knowing that lots of his Facebook friends are customers sometimes bugs me, but I am not sure if it is envy (he does spend a lot of time catering to them) or jealousy.

    Anyway, what I do is I just allow myself to feel whatever I feel. Then I use NVC self-speak to get back to what is going on. For instance, if - like it happend on my last trip - he is serving a pretty female custumer who clearly would consider getting a bit more than beer from him and is showering him with compliments and tips, and I feel that knot in my stomack like OMG what if he fell for her.... Then I just go back to describing the situation: It is sun and hot, SO is serving, customers seems pleased. She is pehaps showing signs of romantic interest. My feelings are those of jealousy, my thoughts are I need to stop this woman, perhaps physically just remove her from the beach. What is really going on/my needs: SO works long hours, I feel neglected and when he pays lots of attention to a cutstomer I feel sad because he is not giving that kind of attention to me. My need is to feel loved. I tell myself this many times: My need is to feel loved. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, in fact everyone wants it. I also want to feel safe - safe knowing that he will be there beyong the emmidiate future. What I want is safety. Then I calm down. My focus is no longer on the other woman. And I see that SO cares more about the money he is tipped than the woman and her compliments. He is hot and tired and not in the mood for flirtation.
    Last edited by differentcountries; August 20, 2014, 03:07 PM.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      You are so right... setting a date for a visit would help. I need to make him nail down a date in October and see if that helps. It's literally maddening to be away from him and not know when I'll see him.

      I get the charming thing. My BF is SO charming. Everybody who meets him loves him. He has an amazing personality. He's kind of flirty with people and he doesn't even mean to be. He seemed really surprised when I pointed that out one day. But I keep reminding myself that he loves me, he keeps telling me how he misses me and can't sleep without me next to him, he calls me ALL the time. That USUALLY works but lately it hasn't. I am trying, though.

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        #4
        It might be worth removing yourself from his facebook if it's triggering your jealousy. Facebook is soooo rife with that sort of thing and 99% of the time there is nothing behind it. Some people just say things like that to everyone. If you do trust him outside of FB setting you off, then I'd unplug from him on there.

        Outside of that, a little jealousy is normal. Especially the whole "they get to see him and I don't" variety. You just have to try to keep reminding yourself that whoever is seeing isn't who he really wants to see (which is YOU), and that he is probably feeling the same thing towards your friends.

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          #5
          Originally posted by RedWhirlwind View Post
          It might be worth removing yourself from his facebook if it's triggering your jealousy. Facebook is soooo rife with that sort of thing and 99% of the time there is nothing behind it. Some people just say things like that to everyone. If you do trust him outside of FB setting you off, then I'd unplug from him on there.

          Outside of that, a little jealousy is normal. Especially the whole "they get to see him and I don't" variety. You just have to try to keep reminding yourself that whoever is seeing isn't who he really wants to see (which is YOU), and that he is probably feeling the same thing towards your friends.
          I do trust him. I think being with him & then having to be separated again is just really messing with me. He's had such a busy week and I haven't heard from him yet today and that's seriously messing with my mind. Just little things that normally wouldn't even bother me... well, they do now. And I know he's going out tonight with a friend and I'm like "Well why can't he take a minute to text or call me?" Ugh. I'm going to need Valium to get through this separation LOL

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            #6
            With my ex we used to do the "hey I am at the party doing X now, what are you doing ", with SO we don't do that at all. I know this and he knows this and there is no expectations to keep in touch during, which makes for clear boundries. there is always time to ask next morning "How was the party? ". I do get the little things, though, especially during stressful times! Take a minute to empathize with yourself when this happens. Take a deep breath.
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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