Hi all.
I suppose I don't know where to begin..just need to put it down in words and get it out there. I met my boyfriend in February of 2011 in my Freshman year of college. February of 2015 will mark 4 years together. When we are together, I have never been happier. Sure we have our share of bickers, arguments but not often. We love to laugh, try new restaurants..I just truly enjoy being with him. I absolutely adore his family and we get along fabulously. In my sophomore year of college, he studied abroad in New Zealand for 6 months. We had talked about working through it, but at that point, we had only been together for 5 months when he left. He decided to break up with me, feeling as if he needed to "experience" his time away without someone back at home. I was devastated. I am a very independent, strong woman and for months I felt depressed, weak, and needy. Most importantly, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. It was so hard for me. We were angry at each other, each standing by our own side of the argument. It was the worst time of my life and I don't say that lightly. Shortly after our rough patch, we started talking again, mending the broken pieces and when he came back, we were instantly back together because we both realized how much we love each other. We enjoyed the rest of college together and with him being a year older, he graduated and got a wonderful job with a healthcare company. I recently graduated in May and now we are ready to take the next steps. As part of his program at work, he got the opportunity to live in Belgium for a year to work at one of their international plants. I couldn't be happier for him. I didn't get a chance to study abroad for financial reasons and I was ecstatic when I heard the news. Shortly before graduation, I accepted a position to teach English in Spain for their school year (9 months). It was everything I had ever wanted. I leave in two weeks and I am a mix of emotions but primarily so so happy and grateful that I received this opportunity. It also means that my boyfriend and I will only be a short flight away from each other (about an hour) and that we can travel Europe together...something that makes me inexplicably happy. However, since my program doesn't start until September and his started in July, I went home to Colorado for the summer to work and spend time with family. Now, like I said, we have done 6 months apart so I thought the short summer would be a breeze.
Wrong. I feel so disconnected, like an outsider. My boyfriend and I have always had financial inequalities. He comes from a good family, solid foundation and makes a lot of money at his job for his age. I come from a middle class family who knows what it feels like to live pay check to pay check, often struggling and staring hopelessly at 31 cents in the bank account. However, this has never seemed to be a problem for us. We see past it because we both work hard and soon I will have my own career. With his financial freedom, he was able to go to Ibiza, Spain, Amsterdam, so many music festivals and seems to be having an amazing time so far. However, it is like I hardly hear from him. When we do Skype, its very rushed since we are 8 hours time difference. What makes me most uncomfortable is when he asks for sexual things on Skype, like pictures or etc..you get the picture. That is literally the last thing I want to do when I feel so disconnected and sad. It makes me resent our chats when he asks because it seems like that is all he wants. I know this sounds all over the place, its just the first time I've really sat down to write it all out.
We have also been fighting like crazy because we both feel the tension. I feel so stupid and petty when I get mad at him about the little things since I don't normally act that way but everything seems heavy and amplified and I end up crying myself to sleep. I am set to visit in two weeks before I take off for Spain and part of me doesn't even feel good about it. I can't wait to see him but these problems seem unresolved. I've tried to express these feelings before and he gets extremely defensive, saying things to the effect that I am overreacting or making it all up. It's hurtful because I feel that my feelings are warranted and should be validated. It doesn't seem like he feels these things. It seems like his life over there is just fine without me which is pretty hard to swallow.
Sorry for the rant and kudos if you read the whole thing. I suppose I'm looking for advice, maybe similar stories. I just don't know what to feel anymore.
I suppose I don't know where to begin..just need to put it down in words and get it out there. I met my boyfriend in February of 2011 in my Freshman year of college. February of 2015 will mark 4 years together. When we are together, I have never been happier. Sure we have our share of bickers, arguments but not often. We love to laugh, try new restaurants..I just truly enjoy being with him. I absolutely adore his family and we get along fabulously. In my sophomore year of college, he studied abroad in New Zealand for 6 months. We had talked about working through it, but at that point, we had only been together for 5 months when he left. He decided to break up with me, feeling as if he needed to "experience" his time away without someone back at home. I was devastated. I am a very independent, strong woman and for months I felt depressed, weak, and needy. Most importantly, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. It was so hard for me. We were angry at each other, each standing by our own side of the argument. It was the worst time of my life and I don't say that lightly. Shortly after our rough patch, we started talking again, mending the broken pieces and when he came back, we were instantly back together because we both realized how much we love each other. We enjoyed the rest of college together and with him being a year older, he graduated and got a wonderful job with a healthcare company. I recently graduated in May and now we are ready to take the next steps. As part of his program at work, he got the opportunity to live in Belgium for a year to work at one of their international plants. I couldn't be happier for him. I didn't get a chance to study abroad for financial reasons and I was ecstatic when I heard the news. Shortly before graduation, I accepted a position to teach English in Spain for their school year (9 months). It was everything I had ever wanted. I leave in two weeks and I am a mix of emotions but primarily so so happy and grateful that I received this opportunity. It also means that my boyfriend and I will only be a short flight away from each other (about an hour) and that we can travel Europe together...something that makes me inexplicably happy. However, since my program doesn't start until September and his started in July, I went home to Colorado for the summer to work and spend time with family. Now, like I said, we have done 6 months apart so I thought the short summer would be a breeze.
Wrong. I feel so disconnected, like an outsider. My boyfriend and I have always had financial inequalities. He comes from a good family, solid foundation and makes a lot of money at his job for his age. I come from a middle class family who knows what it feels like to live pay check to pay check, often struggling and staring hopelessly at 31 cents in the bank account. However, this has never seemed to be a problem for us. We see past it because we both work hard and soon I will have my own career. With his financial freedom, he was able to go to Ibiza, Spain, Amsterdam, so many music festivals and seems to be having an amazing time so far. However, it is like I hardly hear from him. When we do Skype, its very rushed since we are 8 hours time difference. What makes me most uncomfortable is when he asks for sexual things on Skype, like pictures or etc..you get the picture. That is literally the last thing I want to do when I feel so disconnected and sad. It makes me resent our chats when he asks because it seems like that is all he wants. I know this sounds all over the place, its just the first time I've really sat down to write it all out.
We have also been fighting like crazy because we both feel the tension. I feel so stupid and petty when I get mad at him about the little things since I don't normally act that way but everything seems heavy and amplified and I end up crying myself to sleep. I am set to visit in two weeks before I take off for Spain and part of me doesn't even feel good about it. I can't wait to see him but these problems seem unresolved. I've tried to express these feelings before and he gets extremely defensive, saying things to the effect that I am overreacting or making it all up. It's hurtful because I feel that my feelings are warranted and should be validated. It doesn't seem like he feels these things. It seems like his life over there is just fine without me which is pretty hard to swallow.
Sorry for the rant and kudos if you read the whole thing. I suppose I'm looking for advice, maybe similar stories. I just don't know what to feel anymore.
Comment