Frustrated

[Polly]

This will be a little bit of a rant. One of my pet peeves is getting unclear answers. I asked my SO if he had time to Skype tonight, even if it wasn't for very long. It's been a week since we last talked, and even though we text a bit during the week, I miss the face to face contact.

Anyways, his answer was "maybe" and I answered we should try to actually talk sometime this week, and his answer was "OK".

I wish he could have just answered something like, " I will try to get home and squeeze in 15 mins to talk, but I don't know for sure. "

When he tells me "maybe", I don't know if I'm supposed to wait until he confirms later tonight or if I should text him later for an update.

I just hate vague answers. Sure, he's probably not sure how his work will go today and he might get busy, but it's not impossible to squeeze in a few minutes before bed.

I thought we had resolved our communication issues, and he still tries to keep in contact, but when he tells me "maybe" , it just rubs me the wrong way. Say, yes or no, or I'll try, but maybe seems so "meh", and it leaves me feeling like I'm hanging around with no answer.

[Hollandia]

My SO does this sometimes too, and almost every time he does it to send a message. Don't nag me. I learned to stop being so available when he gets like that and then the next day he is quite attentive again. Call it mind games, Idk, I hate it, but don't expect me to sit by the phone or skype for your whims. If you tell me maybe, I will most likely make other plans.

[Polly]

My SO does this sometimes too, and almost every time he does it to send a message. Don't nag me. I learned to stop being so available when he gets like that and then the next day he is quite attentive again. Call it mind games, Idk, I hate it, but don't expect me to sit by the phone or skype for your whims. If you tell me maybe, I will most likely make other plans.

I hate to think that he is being unclear so I won't bug him. I have this urge to ask him again later how his work is going and to let me know if he'll be free, but I don't want to nag. I just hate being left hanging. I'm also the type of person who likes plans and not just improvising or doing things on a whim. And it's been a week since we last talked, so it bugs me that he doesn't feel the urge to talk after not talking for a week.

[Hollandia]

I hate to think that he is being unclear so I won't bug him. I have this urge to ask him again later how his work is going and to let me know if he'll be free, but I don't want to nag. I just hate being left hanging. I'm also the type of person who likes plans and not just improvising or doing things on a whim. And it's been a week since we last talked, so it bugs me that he doesn't feel the urge to talk after not talking for a week.

My SO hates the phone too and he gets fed up with Skype cutting in and out so we "talk" much less than we chat. I don't mind. When I need to talk to him, I don't ask, I call him on Skype when we are chatting. For the record, most of the time my SO says "maybe", it means no and I have called him on that. Don't tell me maybe when you mean no.

I don't agree you should have to plan a talk on the phone, if you have time to text for 5-10 min, then why not have time to talk for 5-10 min? I would say once a week a call is fine if one partner does not really like the phone. Does he enjoy the calls at all when you do talk? If he does, then try to stop asking and let him make next call. I know you want them but if he is miserable on the phone, then why do it?

[Polly]

My SO hates the phone too and he gets fed up with Skype cutting in and out so we "talk" much less than we chat. I don't mind. When I need to talk to him, I don't ask, I call him on Skype when we are chatting. For the record, most of the time my SO says "maybe", it means no and I have called him on that. Don't tell me maybe when you mean no.

I don't agree you should have to plan a talk on the phone, if you have time to text for 5-10 min, then why not have time to talk for 5-10 min? I would say once a week a call is fine if one partner does not really like the phone. Does he enjoy the calls at all when you do talk? If he does, then try to stop asking and let him make next call. I know you want them but if he is miserable on the phone, then why do it?

Well, it's been a week since we last talked, so if I leave it for now, it'll be over a week until we talk.
My SO actually enjoys our talks. Usually, if I ask him in the morning if he has time to talk that night, he'll answer with "I'm not sure, but I'll let you know later." I'm fine with that answer, but "maybe" is just leaving me hanging. I just think it's not very considerate. If it was me, I would say, "well, I'm pretty busy, but I'll try to make it home in time for a short chat, but I'll let you know for sure later."

"Maybe" just makes me feel like he isn't trying. Or, like your SO, it means no. But I'd rather have no, because at least that's a straight answer.

[Petals]

Well, it's been a week since we last talked, so if I leave it for now, it'll be over a week until we talk.
My SO actually enjoys our talks. Usually, if I ask him in the morning if he has time to talk that night, he'll answer with "I'm not sure, but I'll let you know later." I'm fine with that answer, but "maybe" is just leaving me hanging. I just think it's not very considerate. If it was me, I would say, "well, I'm pretty busy, but I'll try to make it home in time for a short chat, but I'll let you know for sure later."

"Maybe" just makes me feel like he isn't trying. Or, like your SO, it means no. But I'd rather have no, because at least that's a straight answer.

Hi Polly,

To be honest, trying to differentiate between the meaning of "maybe" and "I'm not sure..." seems like a matter of semantics and nitpicking. I'm almost sure that if you explain this to him he'll see this as nagging. When you talk to him next, express your need to skype at least once per week as that helps you to connect with him more, but please don't try to work out the semantics of "maybe" and" I'm not sure..."

My SO and I text in the morning and evening everyday and skype on weekends though we deal with 14hrs time difference. We used to skype every morning before I go to work but that's not possible now because his work schedule has increased. I never bring up Skype chats with him, because when he has time he normally make arrangements with me to talk.

Not skyping for a week is not that big of a deal if it's a one off situation (remember he texts). Maybe he has increased work pressure; try to be more flexible about this. Give him room and he'll miss you more. If it's a reoccurring event then express to him your need for the visual at least once weekly and it would help to have firm skype dates before hand so you are not left hanging.

Just express that you miss seeing his handsome face on skype or something like that...but no heavy talk of what maybe means and how annoyed you are.

Hope this helps

[Polly]

Hi Polly,

To be honest, trying to differentiate between the meaning of "maybe" and "I'm not sure..." seems like a matter of semantics and nitpicking. I'm almost sure that if you explain this to him he'll see this as nagging. When you talk to him next, express your need to skype at least once per week as that helps you to connect with him more, but please don't try to work out the semantics of "maybe" and" I'm not sure..."

My SO and I text in the morning and evening everyday and skype on weekends though we deal with 14hrs time difference. We used to skype every morning before I go to work but that's not possible now because his work schedule has increased. I never bring up Skype chats with him, because when he has time he normally make arrangements with me to talk.

Not skyping for a week is not that big of a deal if it's a one off situation (remember he texts). Maybe he has increased work pressure; try to be more flexible about this. Give him room and he'll miss you more. If it's a reoccurring event then express to him your need for the visual at least once weekly and it would help to have firm skype dates before hand so you are not left hanging.

Just express that you miss seeing his handsome face on skype or something like that...but no heavy talk of what maybe means and how annoyed you are.

Hope this helps

This does help a lot! I never want to nag. I think what bugs me about it is if he isn't sure, he could just say so, and indicate he'll let me know for sure later. Just saying "maybe" alone isn't enough. I prefer a "maybe" followed by but I will let you know later, so that way I know he'll let me know yes or no when he knows for sure. Even if it's a no, I prefer that over a non-answer. Anyways, all I said was "we should try to talk sometimes this week, because I miss seeing your face". I later then asked if he was working late, and if he was we could always try to skype tomorrow. Then he told me he'd let me know closer to when he thinks he might be heading home. So, it's ok. I'm glad I resisted the urge to nag!

[differentcountries]

When SO says maybe, I just assume he means no. I have learnt that is is shy of conflict or even shy of telling things like it is. I have stuff to do; work, my project, my husband, workout, hobbies and friends. I refuse to sit be the phone/computer like some teenage girl with no life on my own. I am not mean, but after some massive maybe-time in winter (when he was with family and relatives just kept poaring in) I just told him if it is not possable for him to plan his day, I can't set aside time for him either because that would mean setting aside ALL my time. We made a deal to talk each evening (exept as a rule not Mondays in high season), and if we can't for some reason, let the other person know. It is perfectly ok to say you are tired, or friends suddenly popped over, as long as we say from the minute we know. I don't nag him ever, but he also knows that "making busy" also means setting an example for me getting equally busy to fill my days - it is not manipulative on my side, it is just I really like having stuff to do and I don't even have to think about it. For us, once we have not talked for 2-3 days we become pretty desperate so it is never a long break anyway.

[Polly]

When SO says maybe, I just assume he means no. I have learnt that is is shy of conflict or even shy of telling things like it is. I have stuff to do; work, my project, my husband, workout, hobbies and friends. I refuse to sit be the phone/computer like some teenage girl with no life on my own. I am not mean, but after some massive maybe-time in winter (when he was with family and relatives just kept poaring in) I just told him if it is not possable for him to plan his day, I can't set aside time for him either because that would mean setting aside ALL my time. We made a deal to talk each evening (exept as a rule not Mondays in high season), and if we can't for some reason, let the other person know. It is perfectly ok to say you are tired, or friends suddenly popped over, as long as we say from the minute we know. I don't nag him ever, but he also knows that "making busy" also means setting an example for me getting equally busy to fill my days - it is not manipulative on my side, it is just I really like having stuff to do and I don't even have to think about it. For us, once we have not talked for 2-3 days we become pretty desperate so it is never a long break anyway.

This is how I feel too. My SO probably wanted to say no, but maybe is easier to say. I would prefer it if he just was clear and said no, I'm too busy, sorry we can try for later this week or something. When you say "maybe" it makes me feel like I have to put any planning on hold. I can't plan my day around "maybe".

And it turns out he couldn't talk anyways. Had to stay late at work and told me this at the last minute. We're going to try again tomorrow. Lately, in the past few weeks this has been happening more (work getting in the way). And usually when I ask for a call during the week, the answer is usually " I don't know, I'll let you know later", or something indecisive like that.