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**Hollandia** · August 26, 2014, 10:07 AM

We started off similar, online friends first and then after a visit we decided to date. The first year was hard, just getting used to dating someone LD was new and tough for us both. The second year we started to talk about whether or not this was going to be long term or not. I can't even tell you when but at some point in beginning of third year we knew it was just a matter of time. We started to look into all the hurdles we had to jump and make a game plan for how to do it.

There are so many leaps we have had to and are yet to take to so this but after 3 years we both feel we are ready. It is very daunting but if this person is worth it, then in the end it is worth. You will be moving to USA because of her kids so you two can take plenty of time to look into all the hoops you have to go through. Try to look at some of them as step by step and don't think about all of them at once, or it might blow your mind. Take a step back and prioritize what is most important steps and work up a pre-plan for those first. Do plenty of research of the immigration because that is most important. People sell houses, cars, and change jobs all the time, you will just be reaching a point where you will need to arrange how to know when and where to do each thing that coincides with your final move in the future.

I would not have moved my life till I knew we were both ready for it, for us the magic number was three years. This was partly because of the international aspect of ours. If he had been in my country, I might have been willing to move after a year or two. We had also talked about the fact that for me personally, I would never have left my country for a BF, I will do so gladly for a husband. If he was not ready to commit to marriage then I did not feel comfortable committing to leaving the USA. Give your dad some time and he will slowly adjust to the idea of it, my mom used to guilt me out over it but it's been a year since I told her I would probably be leaving and she has accepted that now. I promised her we would visit once a year and that maybe if money permits at some point she can visit us in Europe and she is excited at that idea.

Take it day by day and enjoy the person you found. Every once and a while you can discuss the logistics but don't let it over encompass your time together, that does get to be a drag. Have fun together and in the end if you both really want it, you can make it work.

**Kristin91** · August 26, 2014, 10:14 AM

Have you met her children yet? That would be a huge stepping stone to closing the distance. And how much have you looked into Visas, the cost of moving to the US, etc. On the other hand, could she move to you? The first step is to start talking about closing the distance and if you both feel ready for that. It sounds like you're still unsure of whether or not this is something you want to dive into head-first...

As for disagreeing family members, take their advice with a grain of salt. Many people that have never experienced an LDR automatically dismiss them, but there are so many success stories on this site.

Good luck with figuring stuff out!

**squeeker** · August 26, 2014, 10:16 AM

Hey! I don't have much advice except I know how it feels to have a lot of obstacles ahead of you. And I can see how your situation may even be trickier than mine seeing as I don't have any kids from previous relationships and neither does my SO. But my SO lives in the UK as well with his father, and he was originally planning on moving to Canada with his dad, but it's difficult so now I may be the one moving to the UK.. but it's a hard thing, leaving family and friends, even when you will plan to go back to visit.

My advice to you would basically be to take it day by day, remind yourself why you are doing this.. plan longer visits so you can find out more about how you are in person to make sure it's worth it, or remind yourself it's worth it.. spend as much time with your father before you move as you can, try and encourage him to make more friends where he is.. and remind him if you do move to the USA, you will do your best to visit at least once a year or whatever is feasible for you. Another thing to do when closing the distance seems so far out would be to imagine your future together, what you want, even if you don't know how you will do it. And of course work out how the kids will fit into it all. Good luck!

**Moon** · August 26, 2014, 12:28 PM

Oh boy. I know you've known her for a while now, but you need to take a big, huge step back. When there are 5 kids and lots of ex's she still needs to be in contact with, you really, really need to make lots of visits before you even begin thinking of moving countries! Until you have a firm grasp on the situation, and know pretty damn well what to expect, do not plan on moving. DO NOT plan on moving! This is coming from a former single mom, OK?

There are so many things that could go wrong here, your family is right to be concerned. One visit isn't enough for anyone to close the distance with, let alone getting 5 kids involved. Have you been in relationships with women with kids before? It can be quite challenging, to say the least. At least with local single mom's, you can go home at the end of the day, to the peace and quiet you're used to

I'm only half-joking about that. You probably don't truly know the situation with each baby daddy, either. Those relationships can get incredibly ugly, incredibly quickly, and really, when it comes to the kids, you're an outsider, you get no say.

I'm NOT telling you not to pursue the relationship, just to reconsider closing the distance until you've made multiple, multiple trips. You need to be very sure about what you're getting yourself into, and you can't tell that by talking on the internet, it's completely different in real life. Just take your time, visit often, and see where it gets you in a year or two. Good luck.

**p_b82** · August 26, 2014, 03:12 PM

thanks for the replies so far, I just wanted to say, even if after the visit in 3 weeks, we both decide to try and make a go of it, I have got a 2 year 'waiting' time in my head as the sort of time I think I am going to need to work out some of the details, make decisions on a list as long as my arm, and to be really really really sure this is what we both want. And more to the point we are both on the same page in terms of expectations and feelings still. This upcoming trip is to mostly work through the early ones and to double check that the spark that we felt last time is more, now that we have admitted our feelings to each other. Being the person I am I felt I would rather do it in person, and had the holiday time spare so booked to go back as soon as i could, due to work that happened to be three months.

I have met all the kids already, last time as i stayed at their house in her room (she took the sofa, as after a trial, we realised I was too tall to get comfortable), and I will meet them all again next time, as they will be around each evening as it is school time again. Her youngest is not quite old enough for school this year, so I suspect some days we will be hanging out with him as well - which I did each morning during the working week (her mum & step dad typically take him while she is at work, but hang out at hers in the morning.)

I do know how tiring/complicated it is with kids, my fling was with another single mum, with two boys, and two fathers - And been spending a lot of time with my niece recently (and plenty of friends with kids now as well) - So I have an inkling of some of the challenges that will lie ahead, but obviously not all, and I wont until I get there and spend more time fitting around their lives (and not just be an exciting house guest who speaks funny and has funny names for things.)

The only reason I mentioned moving so early, is that to me having been in a LDR before where I had no desire to move, and nor did she, it was going to fail from the offset longer term. For me I do need that hug when you are feeling rubbish to make it all worthwhile from time to time. As such, I wanted to at least even contemplate it being a possibility I would do it. And having spent the two months before I asked her out thinking of just that and discussing feelings I decided that should everything fall into place, I would be prepared to move. She would be to in fairness, but her hurdles would be much much more difficult to get over than mine. So we agreed in principle when the time came I'd look to move over to that side of the pond.

She is already planning a trip over next year for our birthday's next Easter so it isn't all one sided, and I would probably plan to go back summer/autumn again pending holiday quotas etc, maybe even Christmas or thanksgiving, but it is a little too far ahead to plan, as I dont even know what I am actually doing this weekend really lol.

I know that due to costs when she comes over it would be without her kids (I don't have space in my house for every-one!) it is going to be different, and more difficult to judge things as she will be alone, and stuff like that, so that is also in the back of my mind as well.

I do appreciate the 'put the brakes on' comments, as while I am pretty sure right now it is something I want longer term, I am not ready to just drop everything and go 'tomorrow', I am not that much of a risk taker in life. And even with the best intentions of everybody, I know how badly people can get hurt if things don't work out under these sorts of scenarios, so feel I need to put in a few brakes to keep my feet on the ground and protect my emotions a little bit. I know I am still a bit fragile emotionally and so need to make sure this is not another rebound or a projection of feelings - which the fling was. Unfortunately that did not end all that well with the girl getting more hurt than me in the process, and I wouldn't want to put some-one else through that again even if unintentionally.

I guess what I am worried about (and I wont know the answer to this question for some time) is how long we need to be sure, and how long we will wait to find out - and it is killing me, as normally I take time thinking about something - often a lot of time, but when my mind is made up I wont be diverted.....

If it wasn't for the pond, and I could go for longer periods without an impact on my work, I would go in an instant.... but I can't, and so there are still so many unknowns that I can't answer yet, but not being able to is slightly taking over - hence needing to get it off my chest and write it all down, and just get some perspective!

so thanks again

**Hollandia** · August 26, 2014, 05:05 PM

My bio dad walked out on my mom and left her with three little kids, no money and stole the family car. She had baggage and financial doom. She met my dad about 2 years or so later. I was 2 when the bio left and was four when they started dating. My older brother was 8 and my oldest was 11. They got married a year later not long after my oldest brother was diagnosed with epilepsy, and he had the seizures pretty frequently. A year later, they had my baby brother. My dad must have been driven crazy by us kids and he had been a long time bachelor too.

He just loved my mom enough and he grew to love all of us enough. I never heard him complain once and he never said he regretted it once either. He adopted the three of us older ones and till the day he died he was my dad. I really don't think that it is something to be feared from, not taken lightly for sure, but it is all about creating another new nuclear family if you choose to. The more you visit the more you will know. Don't mislead the kids into thinking something is more serious than it is. Don't act like a step-dad, your just the guy their mom is dating for now. Talk to your SO about the relationships with their dads if you do get that serious so you know what the guidelines are for that. It's great to meet the kids, but really you also need to make sure the two of you are strong enough, so plan on plenty of time seeing her with sitters for the kids. Don't let them get overly attached unless you are in it for the long haul but don't be scared off by them either. Ready made families have their down points but they have many up points too.

**Moon** · August 26, 2014, 05:15 PM

Good, glad to hear it! I'm sorry if we made it sound like you were on the next plane out, but we get an amazing amount of posters here that, after like three weeks, found "the One", and are ready to move halfway around the world immediately; visas, education, employment and language be damned!

And these aren't always kids, they're people old enough to know better.I'm glad you aren't one of those. Stick around, this is a nice forum that often lacks male perspective

**p_b82** · August 27, 2014, 03:58 AM

Heheh, yeah I had read quite a few posts, and in fairness, I can see how the first one may have been interpreted that way.... the balance with details vs wall of text of course!

Hopefully everything will all go easily, there will be no wobbles, and when the time comes without any effort it will all fall into place, and I will need very little support from all of you lot (nice as I am sure you all are!) ....... yeah right, I know I am in for an emotional rollercoaster

**TaraMarie** · August 27, 2014, 06:07 AM

I am giving you advice from a moms point of view. Don't automatically assume there will be problems with the children. My dad married a woman with no children....and she got SIX of us in the deal, ranging from 19-7 years old. 35 years later, we still love her. I have three children ranging from 24-11 years old. My SO was CONVINCED they would hate him because they love their dad so much. They actually met him two weeks after my ex actually moved out, so the emotions were all fresh still. Guess what? They LOVE him! I knew they would. I just want to wish younluck. It sounds to me like you understand a little about kids. They are just small humans, with the same thoughts and feeling as the rest of us!

**Hollandia** · August 27, 2014, 11:58 AM

Originally posted by TaraMarie View Post

I am giving you advice from a moms point of view. Don't automatically assume there will be problems with the children. My dad married a woman with no children....and she got SIX of us in the deal, ranging from 19-7 years old. 35 years later, we still love her. I have three children ranging from 24-11 years old. My SO was CONVINCED they would hate him because they love their dad so much. They actually met him two weeks after my ex actually moved out, so the emotions were all fresh still. Guess what? They LOVE him! I knew they would. I just want to wish younluck. It sounds to me like you understand a little about kids. They are just small humans, with the same thoughts and feeling as the rest of us!

I think TV and Movies make all kids look like they will hate you, but really I believe many will get too attached if you won't be a permanent fixture. I also think the Ex situations are something you should be aware of. My second Ex and I are still great friends but my first was a total ass and he caused problem for my daughter when she was younger that my second had to deal with. My daughter is an adult now but she loves her dad, the second one, since the first stopped seeing her when she was five, and she adores my SO as well. The Ex are were the real messiness can come in, I would want to know what those situations were as soon as I could. I had a former sister in law whose Ex took her through the courts for 5 years and made her life hell and her kids.

And, I don't see her being able to leave USA or wanting too, she should not, her kids belong in USA where they can see both of their parents. If you want to close that distance it will be there.

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