I feel horrible

[Hollandia]

Iam responding to your post because you quoted my response. My intention is not to be insulting but to state facts- we know right NOW that this is the situation and not that it will be like this for 3yrs. I don't come here to argue, but state my opinion.

I am hopeful that Polly will clarify some of her statements. As I said, this is not the only thread on the matter.

The term "dramatic" was what I was referring to. I am also stating my opinion.

[Polly]

I hope to end the confusion about this. My SO and I Skype once a week, but there have been times it has not been possible, so he tries in that respect. We will send each other about a few texts each day (sometimes as little as "How was your day" and "Good night").

For the most part, I have to ask, and sometimes I am left hanging without an answer until the last minute. I think what made me really frustrated is this particular incident where he couldn't leave work early to have a short call, (after a week has gone by with no contact other than texts) but then the very next day, decides to back out of the call we had planned for, and leaves work early to have dinner with a former coworker. So, it just really hurt my feelings when one day he says he can't leave work to call me, makes plans to do it the next day, but then finds the time to leave work early to have a night out with someone else (who he just spent the whole weekend hanging out with a couple days before).

I am trying my hardest to not think too far ahead, and that maybe his workload will lessen, but after almost a year, it has increased not lessened.

But I am feeling better about this, because we are seeing each other soon, and I think I can manage with one call a week (it doesn't have to be video, but just where I can hear his voice). He did tell me he is finding long distance hard and I think it's because of work, so I am willing to give him slack as long as there is some contact (an actual call) once a week.

It would be nice if we could have more regular contact than once a week, but last week for instance he was working until 3 am everyday, so it wouldn't be possible when it's like that.

[Kapwned]

I hope to end the confusion about this. My SO and I Skype once a week, but there have been times it has not been possible, so he tries in that respect. We will send each other about a few texts each day (sometimes as little as "How was your day" and "Good night").

For the most part, I have to ask, and sometimes I am left hanging without an answer until the last minute. I think what made me really frustrated is this particular incident where he couldn't leave work early to have a short call, (after a week has gone by with no contact other than texts) but then the very next day, decides to back out of the call we had planned for, and leaves work early to have dinner with a former coworker. So, it just really hurt my feelings when one day he says he can't leave work to call me, makes plans to do it the next day, but then finds the time to leave work early to have a night out with someone else (who he just spent the whole weekend hanging out with a couple days before).

I am trying my hardest to not think too far ahead, and that maybe his workload will lessen, but after almost a year, it has increased not lessened.

But I am feeling better about this, because we are seeing each other soon, and I think I can manage with one call a week (it doesn't have to be video, but just where I can hear his voice). He did tell me he is finding long distance hard and I think it's because of work, so I am willing to give him slack as long as there is some contact (an actual call) once a week.

It would be nice if we could have more regular contact than once a week, but last week for instance he was working until 3 am everyday, so it wouldn't be possible when it's like that.

I'm glad you're starting to feel better. Is there any way he can predict his work schedule? Perhaps when he gets his work schedule, he can look for a spot in the week and promise you, no matter what, he will call you that day and at that time and the only way he can set them aside is if there's an absolute emergency, or something happens with Skype, or his service provider. I'd suggest bringing something like that up with him. Just tell him you know he's busy, you don't want him to put his work aside for you but it really does make you feel special when he makes time in his day/week to talk to you and it'd make you really happy if you guys could find a more efficient way to set some more concrete plans for that.

I think even though some people respect LDRs many still think think it'd be rather silly to blow off some RL activities and socialization for some online activity with someone miles away, even if that person is your SO. It feels like people there in the flesh will always somehow trump us no matter how special we are to them. So don't feel bad for feeling a little hurt over it. Just don't treat it like he's doing it maliciously as I doubt he is.

[lilspitfire]

He said he didn't want to hurt the other guy's feelings, which I understand.

I'm speechless. The other guy's feelings..........

Excuse me, but I am almost 100% sure the guy would have not had hurt feelings. He's a GUY asking to meet up for dinner with ANOTHER guy. I bet he would have gotten over it. Or they could have just gone out for drinks after your SO talked to you.

[Miasmata]

Maybe there is something I'm not getting here, but especially when you are working in a more tightknit atmosphere at your job, rejecting an invitation like that could very well hurt the person's feelings. It's not a good situation for Polly, absolutely, but I also see that you can't just stop maintaining your contacts at work.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Maybe there is something I'm not getting here, but especially when you are working in a more tightknit atmosphere at your job, rejecting an invitation like that could very well hurt the person's feelings. It's not a good situation for Polly, absolutely, but I also see that you can't just stop maintaining your contacts at work.

I agree.. it depends so much on the culture at the job. Inviting a coworker out and being turned down can be a bit of a rebuff. How long has he been at this job? It's one of those things that I think tends to be a little easier in time.

Once, I started a new job with a very tightknit group who would frequently grab drinks or dinner after work, and while yeah, you didn't necessarily go every time, there was a little more pressure if certain people asked, especially toward the beginning.

[differentcountries]

Maybe there is something I'm not getting here, but especially when you are working in a more tightknit atmosphere at your job, rejecting an invitation like that could very well hurt the person's feelings. It's not a good situation for Polly, absolutely, but I also see that you can't just stop maintaining your contacts at work.

While that is true, and I myself did reject skyping with my bf last Saturday night because I would rather watch my bosses get drunk, it is also true that OP is constantly getting the short end of the stick. They talk together in sound only 4 times a month, and to please his colleague he cut that down to 3... If she even gets that much. I am ok to some days be not prioritized by my bf because as a rule we talk every day. We can afford to be careless with our appointments every once in a while, because there are so many of them. If a guy treated me like this I would simply end it.

[Hollandia]

She said he had just seen the other guy and he was a former co-worker. I highly doubt he could not have pushed off his dinner since he had already promised this time to his SO.

[lilspitfire]

Maybe there is something I'm not getting here, but especially when you are working in a more tightknit atmosphere at your job, rejecting an invitation like that could very well hurt the person's feelings. It's not a good situation for Polly, absolutely, but I also see that you can't just stop maintaining your contacts at work.

She said they were former co-workers. Sorry, doesn't count.

[silvermoonfairy3]

She said they were former co-workers. Sorry, doesn't count.

It apparently does to her boyfriend, and that sort of dismissiveness isn't likely to bring him closer or bridge any of these rocky communication issues.

[lilspitfire]

It apparently does to her boyfriend, and that sort of dismissiveness isn't likely to bring him closer or bridge any of these rocky communication issues.

No, no. That was to Mia about the other guy having hurt feelings. He can't really have that hurt of feelings because they are not current co workers and hence will not cause conflict at work. I was not saying that to Polly at all. I think it's terrible that he dismissed her for a former co worker when he promised he would call. He already saw the dude on the weekend so the "hurt feelings" are null and void. He used an extremely pathetic excuse to skip the call.

[silvermoonfairy3]

No, no. That was to Mia about the other guy having hurt feelings. He can't really have that hurt of feelings because they are not current co workers and hence will not cause conflict at work.

I didn't catch the former coworkers part earlier, but that could actually make it WORSE. Like a "not important enough to hang out with now that we're not coworkers" thing. I dunno. I don't know the guy or the poster's SO, just saying, I can see ways that a guy friend could feel rebuffed. We often act like guys' feelings don't get hurt by other guys, but they do.

Not to say that it means the poster's SO should blow her off, or that he doesn't need to make sure she's a priority, too. Just saying.

I think it's terrible that he dismissed her for a former co worker when he promised he would call.

Agreed, he needs to stand by his word. And if he can't for some reason (because hey, things come up) he needs to communicate that and find a way to make it up to her or keep things smooth with her, too.

[lilspitfire]

Oh I totally agree. I just meant that Polly had to take the poop end of the stick in this when the guys had already spent time together. It's not fair or right to her.