Remaining friends?

[Dziubka]

Yeah, but it kind of seems spiteful. Oh I promised I'd stay your friend until you dumped me. Now I'm going to go back on my promise. We were friends first. Then became a couple. Yes, it is *very* difficult to think about going back to being just friends. I met him. We stayed together for 6 days. I slept in his bed. We were intimate and affectionate. But I made a promise and I don't want to seem some vindictive bitch by breaking it to suit me. Idk, maybe I'm the weird one.

Thing is, you were spiteful or a bitch if you went around telling everyone he has a tiny wiener and sleeps with a stuffed teddy bear.

Cutting contact because it's what's best for your mental health and for moving on is just looking after yourself.

[GuineaPunk]

I think it can be done, but it very much depends on the people involved.

I have been friends on and off with my ex since we split nearly four years ago. To be honest I don't really want to be friends with him anymore as he is not a nice person, but he owes me money and I am still his emergency contact with his mental health team as I am still the only person in his life daft enough to intervene when he has a psychotic episode; so we remain somewhat distant friends. Once both of those issues are resolved, I will be happy to let the friendship die a natural death.

As for my boyfriend, I don't think we would be friends if we broke up, for numerous reasons. It's hard enough keeping contact as it is at the moment as a couple, guys and girls in his community don't really get involved with each other unless there is a mutual attraction, and I fell so hard for him I think it would just mar the memories to be honest. If it comes to that I would just like to cherish them for what they are.

Have to agree with Dzuibka on the promising to remain friends thing. It is very easy to make that promise and mean it at the time when you are in love with someone, but break-ups change emotions

[silvermoonfairy3]

I've remained friendly with a good handful of my exes. It can happen but it takes times. You have to get over the relationship and what you meant to each other.

This. I think exes can absolutely be friends, but not right away. There are probably people who can do it right after a breakup and stay friends, but in my experience and those around me, it's too torturous to try to be friends without a period of little/no contact to fully move on first.

[ThePiedPiper]

If people can make a promise to someone of forever and break it, someone can break the promise of remaining friends if there's enough hurt to warrant it. I thought I wanted my ex to be in my life because we started as friends and then began dating, but there was a lot of abuse and resulting hurt and it simply was not going to happen. *shrug* Doesn't make me a vindictive bitch or someone who can't hold a promise. It makes me someone who's aware of my needs and what it was to escape a bad relationship. He doesn't own your rights because you slept together. If you need time to mourn and heal, then take it and consider a friendship when your hindsight is 20/20.

[Hollandia]

Sometimes you don't have a choice.

My break up with the Ex was Ugly with a captial U. He had a huge anger management problem and I spent years of running from him and locking myself in the bathroom. Near the end, I did not make it there all the time, if you get my drift.

He felt like shit when I left him. he went and got help. He got on meds and in threrapy. if he had done it while we were together, we probably still would be. I met my SO when I first got separated and did not even date him for six months later. I still cared about my Ex.

Me and him share a business, we run it daily, I have to talk to him about work almost every day during the week. We share our daughter, he is not her Bio dad but he raised her since 5 so, no matter what, he is her dad. She is special needs so we still discuss her pretty often even though she is an adult and we share her care.

Once I forgave him for the past, I came to enjoy his friendship again. He is now one of my best friends. My SO is fine with it. He is a country away and he trusts me as long as I promise him that I don't want my Ex back and I want only him. Which I do, I love only my SO like that. Me and my Ex are much better as friends than we were as spouses.

I still help him with handling his finances and even picking out clothes for his dates, when he needs something, he calls me, I am okay with that. Someday he will find a women to take that place but for now, he is alone, so I help him. It does not hinder me and my SO at all. I also have become the one my SO depends on. Yes,. I am that person....a fixer...and so be it.

I left my Ex and he did not want it, so I don't mind helping him pick out a gift for his parents or balance his budget. I did it for years. I also don't mind picking out a gift for my SO's parents or balancing our budget. He is fine with me still helping the Ex, if he was not, I would cut out the Ex, but he knows that I left the Ex and he is very secure in us and so maybe he feels bad for him ,but he is cool with it. It has been years and my Ex is still single. It has been hard for him, he never wanted the split and blames himself for it, so I feel his pain.

I enjoy having my Ex as a good friend and my SO is fine with it. After we get married, I will let them meet. For now, neither one wants too, but after the wedding, I think that will change. My Ex will be in my life forever, we share a business, a house in USA and several assets and a grown kid. I don't think I would want it any other way and I have totally moved forward. I consider myself lucky in that respect. I forgave him and now he is one of my rare friends left in USA.

[R&R]

I'm friends still with all of my ex's except two.....and that's going all the way back to high school. Sometimes it took a little time to start talking again but it's worked out. Once I realize there is nothing there for a romantic relationship but I like them as a person, I don't have a hard time communicating or seeing them in new relationships. It's usually the new gf that has the issue with our friendship. The two that I refuse to stay friends with were both immature, selfish users and I wouldn't want them as friends in general.

[Kapwned]

It really depends on what brought on the break up and my feelings. I often like to distance myself from my ex after break ups, especially if I was the one who was dumped and didn't particularly want the break up. I don't like for the person to be dangled in my face or to do the same to them. I've only cut out one ex entirely and that was my first LDR and that's because he blatantly disrespected me and the boundaries of our relationship, even after I confronted him and tried to address the issue. I sometimes have Facebook recommend him as a friend but I don't care to add him.

[Ahava]

If we broke up I don't think I ever could be just friends with him. It would be too painful not being his girlfriend and lover and the thought of him meeting someone else would be too painful.

[RachelAnne]

I think it depends on the circumstances of the breakup..usually it's not a good idea. I've remained "friendly" with most of my ex's except for one, but I think if my current SO and I were to break up, it would take me a very, very, very long time to get over him and be able to talk to him again without any feelings. It would take me a long time to move on.

[Miasmata]

I'm very lucky in this department. I have only one Ex, and he is a very calm, kind type. Our breakup was incredibly amicable - After we noticed that we felt more like buddies again anyway, rather than romantic partners, we decided to be honest and go back to that. We still live together and hang out a lot, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

What makes it work in our case is that both my SO and my ex are calm people and very communicative about their feelings. I do what I reasonably can to respect and accomodate both, and discuss issues as they come up. I don't want to let anything fester and turn into big trouble. It also helps that my SO and my ex were friends before the breakup, so all three of us want to invest the effort to stay friends with each other. It makes us happy, and we are open and respectful with each other.

Friendships past a breakup are absolutely possible, but they definitely depend on many factors. I consider myself incredibly lucky - If something was different or someone involved wasn't comfortable with the situation, I would have to deal with it and let it go. If it doesn't feel right to stay friends, then please, don't. Friendship is nothing that should be forced.