My SO is depressed - How can I help him?

[Snowy]

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but I guess we'll see. I wanted to post on these forums because there are people here who understand long distance relationships and wouldn't judge me. I've asked other people and places before and all the answers I get are to leave him or that it's not worth the hassle but those aren't the answers I'm looking for because I love him very much.

I think my SO might be depressed and I don't know what I can do for him since I'm so far away. He or his family can't afford therapy or medication (I'd be against it anyway since I don't want him becoming dependant on medication. my opinion has been changed about this now. Thanks for the information ). He's told me several times that I'm really the only person he is close to and trusts, the next best people are his parents. He lost all connection with his friends after highschool and has no relations with pretty much anyone else so I'm the only one he can confide in but I have no way to help. The closest I can be there for him is on skype video since we've never met and probably won't meet for a long time until one of us earns enough money.

His reason for being so upset is because he can't get a job no matter what he does. It's tough because he lives in a very small town with few jobs and even fewer that he's qualified for. He tells me that he applies for everything he can possibly try for, but it's not enough to even get him an interview yet. Normally this would just be fairly upsetting to him, but it's made even worse by the fact that he needs the money if we want to meet in the near future since I'll be in university for 4 years and won't be able to pay for it and still have enough money to travel. I can wait how ever long it takes to meet him, but he seems to be dead set on making it next summer which means he's putting on so much pressure to the point where he's only hurting himself.

I fear that his tendency to dwell on the past and stress on the future is ruining his life presently. He tells me that because of his bad past and where he is currently in life, he doesn't deserve to be happy. I've told him many times that it's not true and irrelevant but he doesn't really seem to take anything I say to heart. I'm worried because when he gets upset like this, he loses the motivation to take care of himself (for example: eating, showering, sleeping a reasonable amount of hours, etc...)

I could continue, but I don't think it's necessary to go into much more detail than this. Worrying about him makes me feel ill and prevents me from sleeping well at night and it's making me lose hope that we'll ever meet or live together like we want to some day. I just want him to be happy but I don't know what I can tell him anymore. Has anyone here been through a similar situation in which they could share their experience and what they did to remain positive? Is there any advice I could give him? Thank you

[Redheart14]

Be there for him as you are but keep encouraging him. Try and get him to focus on small tasks each day (ie, get up, shower and apply for a job). Get him to keep applying go in person and keep going back to the same places (it'll show to perspective employers that he is serious about a job). The job market is hard but if he applies continually something will come of it. Make sure you tell him he needs to try to keep positive (this may sound harsh, but it can be draining for you having to constantly cheer him up). Tell him that you'll still meet but once things are more secure for the both of you. Setting a date when he's not got a job would add extra stress to him. So just keep it as that so he knows it'll happen once there's some stability. Do you have family that could help with money for a flight if he is that set on keeping that date?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I think my SO might be depressed and I don't know what I can do for him since I'm so far away. He or his family can't afford therapy or medication

If your partner is still in the UK (as I'm assuming from your info bar) then he should be able to get some reasonably low-cost therapy or meds. It could definitely be something to check into.

(I'd be against it anyway since I don't want him becoming dependant on medication).

I don't want this to sound rude, but that's kind of a negative/unhelpful mindset to be in. While it's never nice to be dependent on medication, there are times when it's HUGELY helpful. If it came down to it, which would you prefer: your partner, happy and managing his depression with pills, or a depressed partner who can't get out of bed?

Additionally, many people on depression medication don't take it for life, they take it for the course of their treatment, often paired with therapy, until things are better.

I know that you think you should be able to do something to help, but the truth is, all the Skyping or all the being there in person can't really 'fix' legitimate depression. It's an illness, like any other illness, and needs to be treated by medical professionals.

As for what advice you can give him, you can let him know that his bad circumstances with work, etc. are temporary and help try to keep some hope going, but really, if he's legitimately depressed, he needs to see a therapist, get on medication, or both.

[RachelAnne]

I don't want this to sound rude, but that's kind of a negative/unhelpful mindset to be in. While it's never nice to be dependent on medication, there are times when it's HUGELY helpful. If it came down to it, which would you prefer: your partner, happy and managing his depression with pills, or a depressed partner who can't get out of bed?

Additionally, many people on depression medication don't take it for life, they take it for the course of their treatment, often paired with therapy, until things are better.

I agree with this. I was put on medication for depression and anxiety and am currently pairing it with counseling. If your SO is truly depressed and is losing sleep, an appetite, and forgetting to shower over it, I would look into possibly seeking help..? I know how difficult it can be, and it can be draining for the both of you unless you do something about it. Just let him know that you're there for him, be supportive, but encourage him to take it easy and look into finding help somewhere.

[Snowy]

Alright. Sorry for having misconceptions about medication as I don't really know much about it. After hearing your explanations of it, I think I might suggest it to him and therapy as well. I wasn't sure how much it costs there so I was worried it would be expensive. Thank you all for the help so far.

I don't want people to think I'm a bad person for not initially taking to the idea of medication. I'm not really in the most logical mindset right now and I might say things that I don't entirely mean. I've worried a lot about side effects and forgot to really consider how much good the medication could do as well.

[Miasmata]

Depression is often paired with a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's a physical ailment that has psychological consequences - And like other physical ailments, it can be made better with professional care and medication. It's absolutely worth a try, even though finding the right therapist/medication can take a while (most people have to try more than one therapist/medication until they find the right one).

You might find this link and this one helpful. Having a partner with depression is definitely a challenge, but absolutely possible and just as rewarding as a relationship with someone else. As long as it's worth it to the both of you, you should stick with your SO.

[JaneEmily]

If your SO can't afford to see a therapist, then there is the website 7cupsoftea, it has qualified listeners and people that will help him - there are also self-help guides on there. All for complete free. And everything is anonymous so he can talk to someone on there without them knowing who he is.

[80anthea]

If he's in the UK and unemployed then his medication will be totally free. At the very worst it would only be a prescription charge of £7.20 a month.

There are lots of places to access free therapy too. He can get it through the NHS free, there are charities such as MIND who also offer to free. Money shouldn't be an issue at all.

However YOU cannot force him to get help, the decision has to come from him. Be there for him to listen when he needs and suggest things but don't make it a battle.

I also agree with Silvermoon fiary about your attitude to medication. If he was asthmatic and needing medication for life I doubt it would be an issue, so why have the problem with mental health medication?

[differentcountries]

Rather have a look at the actual, possible side effects of the drugs in question. He can be lucky and have none, he can have weight gain, or mental numbness or loss of libido. Most times, after 6 months to a year they reduce the dose. I was on pills for almost a year, had some side effects but combined with therapy I got better and could stop taking them. If there is no side effects people can take them for longer time and have benifits from that. It is worth a try.

[p_b82]

I have a very good friend who was in a LDR and closed the distance earlier this year, and her SO is battling mental health issues that have got worse since they moved in together.

There are lots of places and charities that your SO can go to to talk to people, and ultimately that and medication is what he will need if he is genuinely in a mental rut he can't get out of with his own force of will.

My advice is that you need to make sure that he understands the importance of having a positive outlook on things, and if he is not able to do that on his own, then he needs help. Depression is a vicious cycle, I have been down to some very dark depths of my psyche and managed to drag myself back out again, it would have been much easier with therapy, but I am a stubborn fool!

Make sure that in all of this, you are there as a support, but not taking all the load or the responsibility for him and his actions. You can't sustain it long term and eventually it will likely result in issues in the relationship. I say this from personal experience, but under different circumstances to actual depression. (my ex required huge emotional support the whole time, and when I needed it back it wasn't given. it bred resentment on my side and I drew back further from her. 2 months later our relationship was over when she dumped me after over 5 years together - stating a factor my "distance" in the months before - amongst a host of other things I was doing/had done wrong.)

Good luck though, he is a lucky guy to have some-one there to help him though

[lilcupcake]

Me and my SO do almost the same thing. our situations are very similar. something i say to him, and to myself, when we get over worried about these things, is that we have forever. there is no need to rush things a long.