I've been reading through advice and other people's situations here for a while now, and I hope I'm not just repeating questions already asked...
My boyfriend and I have spent the majority of our 20 month relationship apart, due to both my job and my studies. The longest period of time I have spent with him at once was a year ago on a 10 day trip to Africa.
I've just finished a 4 month summer contract during which we did not see each other. I return to university at the end of next week. I got to see him for a day yesterday, when he told me that he has 6 days off next week and it was a shame I wouldn't be around for it. When I got home I started thinking how I could work it out to see him for a day or 2. At first mention of my thoughts his response was that he was busy decorating his house. So I offered to help him with that, he essentially said I wouldn't be able to do it, and I told him that depended what he was actually doing. His reply to that was "Would it be selfish of me to have a couple of days me time?"
I'd only asked to see him for 2-3 days out of 6. At that point I told him not to worry about it and I'd just stick with my original plan. He then said that he still wanted to see me and we'll arrange it.
I'm confused and told him as much. I don't know what he wants, so I told him what my original idea had been and that if it was interfering with his plans then not to worry and I'll see him when I see him. He still hasn't confirmed yes or no with me.
It hurts that after 4 months apart he still wants "me time." Why even mention he had the time off at all?
This may seem small and petty, but this always happens. Every time we try to plan something, even if it was originally his idea, something on his end gets in the way. Either he doesn't ask work for the time off far enough in advance. Or he's ill/tired. Or he can't afford it. Or it's too far (if i could drive the 3hrs it takes I would and i always offer to take the 5 hr train or meet halfway). He's frequently late and plans often change at the lat minute. he's said he doesn't like letting me down so he doesn't like to tell me he can't do stuff. But uming and ahing and dancing around the topic instead of being straight with me makes it so much worse. It's very hard to find times that we are both available so when these things happen it's wasting limited, precious opportunities.
He's recently moved into a new house and has been very distant because he spends every spare minute working on it. I feel a little like I've been replaced by a house and that we're drifting apart. Surely I can't be jealous of an old bungalow? And to make it worse he keeps dropping hints about me living with him there.
The house itself shows up great differences in our personalities and desires. The fact that he bought it and seemingly wants to settle there has tied him to his home town, just round the corner from his parents house and his mum drops by unannounced. This is something he'd claimed to want to get away from. I am the opposite- I want to travel and explore, and be available to take up whatever opportunities come my way, settling in a country village certainly wasn't in my grand scheme.
I visited the house he's spent so much time on and considering he owns it and could do whatever he wants- it's entirely beige, lacks any sort of personality or homely feel, though I suppose that will grow with time. I'm creative and artistic and I find it boring and uninspiring, but he likes it plain and simple and I acknowledge that it is his house and that he can do what he wants. I just don't know if we're too different. I used to like that we were different, that we kind of complimented each other despite our contrasts. I thought there were enough similarities and that we just worked together, now I'm not so sure. All the differences seem so much more prominent and seem to outweigh the rest.
Over the summer we started arguing a lot, so I suggested a break while I was away so that we weren't arguing about the situation and letting that destroy us. He took it very badly and thought I was leaving him entirely, so we never went through with the break, but he became so absorbed in his house that we barely talked anyway.
I don't know where I stand anymore, he tells me he loves me and can be very sweet and caring when we're actually physically together. I just don't feel like that carries through to the rest of our relationship. It doesn't even feel like we're in a relationship anymore.
In summary: I'm hurt that he's not making time for me. I'm jealous that his house is monopolizing all his time, yet he doesn't even tell me/keep me involved what he's actually doing to it so I can at least feel connected to his life. And most of all I'm worried, scared even, that we're just too different.
Am I crazy? Am I just finding problems?
Sorry that was so rambling... I'm not even sure what I'm actually asking, just needed to share what I was feeling and hopefully gain some external sanity/clarity.
My boyfriend and I have spent the majority of our 20 month relationship apart, due to both my job and my studies. The longest period of time I have spent with him at once was a year ago on a 10 day trip to Africa.
I've just finished a 4 month summer contract during which we did not see each other. I return to university at the end of next week. I got to see him for a day yesterday, when he told me that he has 6 days off next week and it was a shame I wouldn't be around for it. When I got home I started thinking how I could work it out to see him for a day or 2. At first mention of my thoughts his response was that he was busy decorating his house. So I offered to help him with that, he essentially said I wouldn't be able to do it, and I told him that depended what he was actually doing. His reply to that was "Would it be selfish of me to have a couple of days me time?"
I'd only asked to see him for 2-3 days out of 6. At that point I told him not to worry about it and I'd just stick with my original plan. He then said that he still wanted to see me and we'll arrange it.
I'm confused and told him as much. I don't know what he wants, so I told him what my original idea had been and that if it was interfering with his plans then not to worry and I'll see him when I see him. He still hasn't confirmed yes or no with me.
It hurts that after 4 months apart he still wants "me time." Why even mention he had the time off at all?
This may seem small and petty, but this always happens. Every time we try to plan something, even if it was originally his idea, something on his end gets in the way. Either he doesn't ask work for the time off far enough in advance. Or he's ill/tired. Or he can't afford it. Or it's too far (if i could drive the 3hrs it takes I would and i always offer to take the 5 hr train or meet halfway). He's frequently late and plans often change at the lat minute. he's said he doesn't like letting me down so he doesn't like to tell me he can't do stuff. But uming and ahing and dancing around the topic instead of being straight with me makes it so much worse. It's very hard to find times that we are both available so when these things happen it's wasting limited, precious opportunities.
He's recently moved into a new house and has been very distant because he spends every spare minute working on it. I feel a little like I've been replaced by a house and that we're drifting apart. Surely I can't be jealous of an old bungalow? And to make it worse he keeps dropping hints about me living with him there.
The house itself shows up great differences in our personalities and desires. The fact that he bought it and seemingly wants to settle there has tied him to his home town, just round the corner from his parents house and his mum drops by unannounced. This is something he'd claimed to want to get away from. I am the opposite- I want to travel and explore, and be available to take up whatever opportunities come my way, settling in a country village certainly wasn't in my grand scheme.
I visited the house he's spent so much time on and considering he owns it and could do whatever he wants- it's entirely beige, lacks any sort of personality or homely feel, though I suppose that will grow with time. I'm creative and artistic and I find it boring and uninspiring, but he likes it plain and simple and I acknowledge that it is his house and that he can do what he wants. I just don't know if we're too different. I used to like that we were different, that we kind of complimented each other despite our contrasts. I thought there were enough similarities and that we just worked together, now I'm not so sure. All the differences seem so much more prominent and seem to outweigh the rest.
Over the summer we started arguing a lot, so I suggested a break while I was away so that we weren't arguing about the situation and letting that destroy us. He took it very badly and thought I was leaving him entirely, so we never went through with the break, but he became so absorbed in his house that we barely talked anyway.
I don't know where I stand anymore, he tells me he loves me and can be very sweet and caring when we're actually physically together. I just don't feel like that carries through to the rest of our relationship. It doesn't even feel like we're in a relationship anymore.
In summary: I'm hurt that he's not making time for me. I'm jealous that his house is monopolizing all his time, yet he doesn't even tell me/keep me involved what he's actually doing to it so I can at least feel connected to his life. And most of all I'm worried, scared even, that we're just too different.
Am I crazy? Am I just finding problems?
Sorry that was so rambling... I'm not even sure what I'm actually asking, just needed to share what I was feeling and hopefully gain some external sanity/clarity.
Comment