Very conflicted on what I should do.

[sunnyk5594]

Okay so I'm very confused on how I should feel right now. Me and my boyfriend won't be seeing each other again for another 8 months. We've both discussed how it's gonna be really difficult being apart from each other. I've brought up to him that I'm afraid he's not going to be able to go 8 more months without intercourse. He says he can. Well we just had a discussion this evening and he told me that if I needed to "get some" I have his permission as long as there's no feelings. Well I told him right away I didn't need any and I wasn't going to do that to him, I don't want anyone else. I then proceed to ask him if he felt he needed to "get some" and he replied with "not really. But you get too mad and jealous anyway." I'm just so scared that he's gonna go out and have sex with another woman. What I'm confused about is should I let him or not?! I mean I love him so much that I feel I should as long as there are no feelings between them. But then again if I can hold out 8 months so can he. I really don't know how to feel.

[rubydissolution]

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't think there is such a thing a meaningless sex. Sex connects one person to another, even if it's briefly. So would I let him? Hell no! That is what porn and masturbation is for. He will have 5 girlfriends for the next 8 months and they live an arms length away.

[Redheart14]

I would not be ok with that at all

[differentcountries]

Don't ever put yourself in the situation where you let someone have something on the side based on fear, or do it yourself because - in principle - they "let you". This is not an easy yes or no subject. There are MANY uncomfortable things wich you really have to discuss, like sexual protection and birth control, how to deal if feelings do develop, how to deal if something new sexual turns up in your relationship that you learned from a new lover and so on. If there is already jealousy and insecurities in the relationship, fucking other people is not a quick-fix to that. It might not even make it easier to miss each other.

In general, I don't think it is a good idea to have sex outside the relationship if there is no sex IN the relationship for whatever reason. I know some people in here did that though, like you they wanted to soften the waiting time over the distance and said it worked for them. But then they were mutually fine with it. None of you guys seem to really want this in any comfortable way and it is clear to me you are not prepared for how to handle things should the relationship get weird or feelings for others should develop. So don't do it. Please. You don't want this to be the story of how you experiented with open relationship and that was the slow death of the relationship. I am not saying this because I am opposed to open relationships, but the people I know who do poly or open relationships either had it as the premise of the relationship from the start so it was always on the table, or they - like me and my husband - used a lot of time to discuss how to do it with taking care of everyone involved. It took about 5 years from me and my husband first started to discuss it until we became intimate with other people, and we have very specific rules on how we go about it, now that I have a boyfriend there are even more things to take into account. I don't know that much about open relationships firsthand, because poly is more my thing, but the thing most open people I know do is keep each other in the loop. If you want him to have sex with other girls and not hear about it ever, it is most likely not going to work out.

If you insist on having a go at open, you need to have a long hard look at your feelings and your boundries, because they are going to get tested for sure.

[Hollandia]

If you are exclusive, you are exclusive. If you are not, you are not. There is no middle ground in that. If you were and he changes it, then in my opinion it is a step back. One that can ruin a relationship pretty quickly. If he needs some that bad, send him a blow up doll and a link to good porn. If my SO laid a hand on another woman I would be gone and he would do the same. I don't think you should settle down till you are ready so I guess the question is, is he ready?

[Sanja]

No way! When they say you can if you need to, it's like that gives them a green light to go ahead and do it. If you love each other, you can wait.

[pinksparkly33]

I agree with the poster that said there is no such thing as meaningless sex. At least, I've never been capable of it. I think it's a bad idea all around. If you truly love each other, it shouldn't even be an option on the table, in my opinion.

[differentcountries]

The book "Opening up" by Tristan Toarmino guides you through the themes you need to be aware of in order to sucessfully open up your sexual relationship...or decide if you should. I made a link in another thread about the same subject.