Career priority over relationship?

[Polly]

To give you all a background on my situation, for those of you who haven't read my other posts, my SO and I have been together 1 year and a half, (7 months dating in same place, then the rest has been LD so far). He moved for work on a 3 year visa. The thing that worries me is that he has a history of moving around for career opportunities. For example, he moved out of his small town to a bigger city for a job, then moved to a bigger city after that for a better job, then on to another city for a job that paid more. Then we met, dated, and he was offered a job that paid more in the States. On average he's only stayed at the same job for 1-2 years before moving on to bigger and better things.

My fear is that he will continue to go where he is offered more money without thought to how that affects our relationship. If he's offered another higher paying job after this one, even if that means we'll stay long distance, I will take it that his priority is money over a relationship.

Should I bring up this concern of mine now, or wait until his term in the States is nearing it's end (like, when he has one year left?). I could just pose a hypothetical question, and ask him point blank what he would do if he was offered more money for another job somewhere else, which would extend our LD for even more years. The only problem is that whenever I have asked him hypothetical questions, he always answers with something like "well, I don't know what the future brings, but I probably wouldn't want to keep moving around".

His career is a priority right now, but I don't want it to be where he's just moving around without regard to how that impacts us.

[Noodle]

Well, since you two have been together as long as you have, I would definitely say you need to discuss what his career goals are and if you are going to be comfortable with what he decides. If he does choose to keep moving where the money is, then are you willing to move with him? Or are your own goals keeping you grounded to where you are.

I am currently dating a military man where I know his career is a priority over our relationship. I know this will never change and am okay with the idea of moving wherever he is stationed at. But this is a conversation we had early on before anything got too serious. So, yeah, I definitely say you need to bring up your concerns to him and talk about your future goals.

[Kapwned]

I wouldn't worry about it until you're getting to a point where you're considering marriage and settling down. Right now you're long distance and it doesn't really matter much on where he is at the moment. It'll just be a different location, maybe a little farther or a little closer. After that he should consider settling on something and staying in one place. It's good that he's taking these opportunities but unless you're willing to be a housewife or go for smaller temp jobs, it is unfair for anyone who wants to be in his life.

[snow]

I would ask him what his plans are for the next couple years, his longterm goals! I actually think the mid-twenties to early thirties should be used this way - trying to find a good, well-paid job that you enjoy doing and is going to let you save for the future.

[OperaDiva]

My SO and I actually had a very similar conversation recently, except I have been the one moving a lot in the past few years. After I prodded a little it turned out that he was worried I would want to move again in a couple of years, and he is not very comfortable with that (an aside, I actually thought he wanted to travel and live in different countries, but it turned out he meant short trips ... yeah, ask directly). I told him that I would like to settle if I could, but I couldn't give him any guarantee because in my career I wouldn't always have a choice.

Talk to him, and not with hypotheticals. You have a concern that is legitimate and should be communicated. There might be a lot of things going on in his head, but trying to guess is going to drive you crazy.

[differentcountries]

It is much better to ask right away, especially since you already have been together a while. Like, do you plan/consider moving around for your career if we closed the distance? We had a recently "future" discussion, with him telling me he simply does not know where he stands even next season (he wants a pay raise and also his best male friend is most likely quitting the job over among other things money, he will be finished with his parttime education i January so theoretically he could start applying for new jobs). I hope to be able to continue to take work with me to visit him as long as we are LD. I think it is important to talk about work, because that usually is about finances, where to live and future goals, in the future you hopefully have together.

[BlueCat]

This sort of thing is tough. In my relationship, I've essentially given up the last 5 years of looking for a job that I really want, which hurts in some ways knowing all the opportunities I've missed. But I've also done so willingly. I know that when we're together, then I can start looking again.

In terms of moving around a lot. I agree that it doesn't so much matter if he's moving around now while you're still separated. I suppose the hope is that he may end up in a job that he really loves, and then there's the possibility of you moving there. Otherwise if he's willing to move for work he might be able to find work where you are. Either way, I think it's important to talk about. My SO and I always put our study first and worked visits around it, but in terms of pursuing careers it was somewhat unspoken agreement that we never really went for anything because it would have put us on hold a little.