Coping with the post visit blues

[Aussieabroad]

Hi all,
so I just got back last night from spending 3 nights in Las Vegas with my parents and boyfriend. It was seriously an amazing trip (and WAY too short!) It was my SO's first time meeting my parents, seeing as I'm Aussie and they are in the States for a vacation. Everything could not have gone better and our connection just grows stronger every time we see each other.

However going back to the daily grind in New York and I have once again been hit really badly with the post-visit blues. My SO copes super well with being apart and I just get hit like a tonne of bricks. The fact that I won't be seeing him for another 10 weeks is really hitting me hard. He is my partner and I feel like I'm missing half of me for the first 2-3 weeks of leaving a visit.

How do you guys cope?

[katie.lvd34]

Coping is hard. I spent 2 1/2 months with my SO this past summer so I became so used to having him next to me. As weird as it sounds we were like one person. He knew me so easily and knew what I wanted before I could ask him for it. So going from having a second half like that to being alone was (and still is) extremely difficult! I think most of it is a mindset, because I can go some days and I'll be fine and I'll know I'll see him again but other days feel a little hopeless and lost without him. Yeah. It's definitely hard. I spent May 19- July 7th with him and then I won't be be with him again until next summer (2015). I am so happy you get to see your SO! It's hard to cope. It's hard but we have to do it!

When I feel very overwhelmed about it, I mostly try to distract myself by doing something else. Other times sending my SO a long email, explaining how I feel, helps too! Then everything is all out there and in the open. It's a good feeling. I also talk to my best friend (she doesn't really understand but at least she shows some empathy!) So I think it's a lot of communication

Hope that helps!

[snow]

Staying busy and talking about it. There is really no other way. 10 weeks will pass soon

[Navygirl]

In short I am totally not coping! Like you my oh is perfectly fine with us being a part he's navy strong LOL and I'm the one who is finding it difficult. All I've pretty much done is cry and sleep since I've been home, it's so hard to pick up where we left off before then isn't it! Hugs I totally know what you're going through and hopefully we both start feeling better soon! Try and keep busy, I try but fail LOL

[Redheart14]

We make contact everyday via text or phone. Each time I'm sad I just think about how good it will be to see my SO again. I'm writing him a letter/ book so he knows what's been happening while I'm away. This helps fill the void that I'd usually spend down in the dumps over it.

[differentcountries]

Workout is one of my best ways to cope. I really forget about it all when I do something physical. Also, work, hanging out with fiends, doing some of my hobbies, watching movies, anything to fill the days and pass the time. I try to learn new things, I study Turkish so there is always something to keep me occupied! We usually text/Viber when we can and we normally Skype 6-7 days a week.

Generally, I cope better than him, perhaps because he stays in our appartment while I am gone, while I have another daily life back home (my other home). He feels more lonely and out of place than I do. I am never bored because I know a thousand ways to entertain myself, and I also work more "sensible" hours so I have the time to cook and see people, while he in high season works so much that it sort of flattens out his fantasy. He sort of needs me to fuel his imagination wheras my head always spins. He often complains that he is bored, because even though he likes his work it can be a bit intsense in high season and also draining mentally so it is hard to be social on top of it. I try to listen to him and calm him down by saying that I wish I was there, sleeping in his bed, eating breakfast and sharing the daily life like whe do when I am there. But just knowing the date for next visit helps him calm down a bit, because his waiting time has a purpose.

10 weeks is a stretch of time. Try if you can to chop it up in smaller peaces, to make it into a countdown or something else that can make it seem exiting. I love to make countdown stuff for my SO, when I left last time I made him a red cross out calender with love qoutes on it. When we did longer stretches (our first was 9 weeks) I made proper count down books, letter collections and such. That occupied me and also made him happy to see/read. Also, I think it is fun to plan what will happen on the visit; who to meet, what to buy and so on. We try to do something different on each visit and go out on dates, so we try to plan some of that in advance so we can look forward to it as well as enjoying it when it happens.

If you have trouble sleeping or concentrating, really look into what you can do with a little aid. I sometimes sleep with lots of pillows when I am alone (yes, sometimes my husband is way too), that physically calms me down because they sort of remind me of what it is like to sleep next to a person. If I have something that smells like the person that helps, too! And just really look into getting something to give you energy, like energetic food or supplements. Try to eat and drink even if you don't feel hungry or thirsty. If you have trouble sleeping there are teas and remedies that could make it easier (and work-out helps both to feel hungry and to feel sleepy). When I get emotionally numb, I try to ease that out with lying on nail mats, that is like mini workout for the skin and the blood circulation. Fake it until you make it. The sadness and uneasiness doens't go away completely, but you can aid it so it becomes livable.

[nerdgasm42]

Fake it until you make it is the best piece of advice I've seen on here. Like you, I completely fall apart after a visit. I bawl my eyes out the night before I leave or he leaves. Then the next morning, when one of us is leaving, I keep it together. Then it all falls apart. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Food doesn't taste the same, and falling asleep without him beside me is so difficult. It's the worst feeling. And he's the type of person that just takes life as it comes and kind of lets everything roll off him. Things don't seem to bother him like they do me, and sometimes that really gets to me. All I can see is force yourself to at least go through the motions and eventually you will find the good things again. It's this crazy cycle...like how people talk about the honeymoon phase in relationships. Well, in a long distance relationship, you have multiple honeymoon phases. You have that initial honeymoon phase when you first start talking. You want to know everything about each other and can talk for hours and hours on end. Eventually you settle into a normal (as possible) relationship. Then you meet for the first time and everything is amazing and feels brand new all over again! Each subsequent meeting is like a new honeymoon phase, and each departure is like settling into that "normal" relationship. I tell my sweetie that if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!

[VeraRyan]

Me and my boyfriend are the same. It's harder for me at first and after a couple weeks it gets harder for him. I try and stay busy. Hang out with friends, people who know how to distract me. Even though we have a 6 hour time difference I know I can call my SO anytime I want. We send each other letters and packages. Those are things to look forward to. It cuts the long 10 weeks in to shorter pieces...
I hope this is helpful and you'll feel better soon..

[Miasmata]

The weeks directly after a visit really are tough. We have less Skype calls during that time because it just feels weird and dissonant, as if our minds haven't caught up yet that we can't spend this time on Skype in person. It's hard to explain for me, but it's like taking weeks to fully wake up after a long nap.

I really can't stress enough how important it is to have good coping mechanisms. Of course it won't stop hurting entirely, but doing things for yourself, keeping busy and hanging out with friends are all good methods to try. Do something that makes you feel accomplished, show yourself that you are still a strong, independent person. And definitely allow yourself to be sad (your emotions are nothing to be ashamed of!), but don't let the sadness overcome or define you.

[sunnyk5594]

It's hard. Very hard in fact. Most of us have been through it. I've been with my SO on two separate occasions and leaving him is pure hell. But like a lot of people have already said, keep yourself busy. That's so important. Don't just sit at the house and mope. It's gonna be hard, we all understand. But just keep reminding yourself you WILL see him again. And be thankful. Of course he's gonna cross your mind throughout the day and you're gonna start to miss him greatly. But when those times come, just think about the fun you two had. I promise it'll bring a smile to your face. Send lots of texts and snapchats and try to Skype as much as possible to make it easier. You'll get through this.

[R&R]

I allow myself one day to wallow in it - crying, bad mood, etc. After that, I make myself suck it up and realize it's not forever. I had a life before this relationship and though he enhances my life greatly and I can't wait to close the distance, I still have a life here to live. I work, I have my kids (though they are 18 & 19 and do a lot of things on their own), I go to the gym, I have my friends. I think not allowing myself to dwell on the missing him part but to keep busy and focus on the next time and about closing the distance helps.

We have contact every day. In the last year there have only been 5 days that we haven't actually talked on the phone. We text every day. He tells me I'm spoiled because even in SD relationships, he never had this much contact with them. I tell him to enjoy my needing the contact because once we close the distance, there will be times I'll be pushing him out the door to go do something so I can have some much needed alone time!

[Farawayhan]

In short I am totally not coping! Like you my oh is perfectly fine with us being a part he's navy strong LOL and I'm the one who is finding it difficult. All I've pretty much done is cry and sleep since I've been home, it's so hard to pick up where we left off before then isn't it! Hugs I totally know what you're going through and hopefully we both start feeling better soon! Try and keep busy, I try but fail LOL

This made me smile as my boyfriend is the same - I cry all the damn time but he seems okay, he's a policeman so is super busy, he also said he tries not to think of me too much cos it's upsetting, and I'm sitting here crying cos I'm re-reading old messages or whatever hahahaha.

[NadWil]

What always helps me is making stuff for him! After every time we see each other, I make a photo book of everything we did in that period of time. That way I can relive all the great memories and create something that he will enjoy looking at as well! Also, we like to send each other letters or things we made for each other. And if you already have a next meeting planned, you can make countdown calendars! Last time I made him a bunch of little letters for every remaining day until my visit, on which I wrote things I love about him or great memories we have together. Try to plan things you want to do when you're together, like go to special restaurants or to an exhibition or something and look forward to those things! I want to cook some things for him when we see each other again, so I will start picking out some recipes..