I'm back for the moment with a problem (again)

[Swederica]

I must admit that I'm starting to feel really guilty. I seem to just return when I feel bad or down.

Back in April I started a thread about some issues I had with a spanish girl I met in February. I don't expect any of you to actually be able to recall that at all (link: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-current-issue).
Quick recap: Meet girl online, plays games with her, both fall in love, decide to meet, she breaks it off or attempts to a couple of times, still go to see her, had an amazing time, had problems when coming back.
Beyond that those specific problems at that time subsided but she still ended things with me. It took me a long while to get past but eventually I got used to just hearing from her now and then and be friends. At one point I even managed to go two weeks without hearing anything from her without much problem.

That is until a few days ago. She returned from her vacation and we talked again. She said she missed me still and the things we used to do (for example she said she played Elder Scrolls Online but that she missed when she and I played WoW). Eventually we got back to talking about feelings and despite the time I still felt strongly for her. After a while she asked me how I managed to get her to fall for her all the time. She said that she would always continue to fall for me if we kept talking and that she couldn't stand thinking of hearing me in the future meeting someone else. She said that we should stop talking altogether (it's been brought up numerous times before). I couldn't let her go though. It destroyed me again to imagine losing her completely from my life. This happened at the same time I was suffering from anxiety about starting a new job (internship) and moving to a new place.

Since then I've suffered heavily from this. I've involuntarily returned to my clingy nature (I hate it, I just can't avoid it or avoid letting it affect me). She said two days ago that she wasn't going anywhere (basically that I shouldn't fear her just disappearing to never hear from her again). That night she still showed some affection saying that she missed my eyes, that I was very cute and that my hair was getting very long. It comforted me enough to fall asleep with a smile. The whole next day I barely hear anything from her. Just a thank you in the morning to when I hope that she slept well and then in the evening saying that she had a busy day and two more short messages a bit after that. Today I haven't heard from her at all still. From before I'm certain she's one of those people who when dealing with problems and such close up and wants to be to themselves. I'm the opposite. I know I shouldn't but I can't avoid looking frequently to see if she, against all hope, has messaged me anything. I also can't help but let it affect me. I get restless, anxious, sad and down the longer the day progresses. During the breaks I usually go out for a walk and cry. I don't want this to affect my internship thingy so I have to hide it at all time inside, which is really hard.

This is just another big rant I guess. Sorry to bother you.

[silvermoonfairy3]

That sounds frustrating and unpleasant.

You're not going to like my advice, but it's this: I think she's right, and you guys shouldn't talk.
If there's no possibility of dating (as it sounds like she doesn't want to do? Have you asked her about it?) then staying friends right now really just means that you're hoping something will change down the road, and that you're not actually able to move on.

It might be possible to be friends with her, but not until you've both moved on - really moved on - to just being able to stay platonic.

I'd have a conversation with her and see where things stand. Can dating happen and you both want it to? Because if not, I think she's right and you guys need to cut the contact.

Good luck. :/

[differentcountries]

If your dating is impossble and you can't relate as friends, I don't think it is a good idea that you keep in touch.

If you want to talk your problems over with someone, I doubt she is the person who is going to help you do that.

[Redheart14]

I agree with the advice you've been given. Good luck

[Swederica]

I thank both of you for taking the time to read and respond to my rant.

Deep inside I know that I shouldn't be friends with her still. I just can't bear myself to think of that and going through it. Not now and probably not ever.
The problem is that I have a very limited social life and few friends irl to hang out with and distract me. I have a number of online friends that I play with on a more or less daily basis.
But losing her would be losing such a huge part of myself right now. I should do it, I should pull off the bandaid and face the pain and everything. I just.....can't.

[ThePiedPiper]

As gently as I can say it, you either perpetuate your own suffering or you don't. If you choose to, then you also need to find a way to adequately handle it or else you're going to spiral further and further down and either she or you is forced to cut contact because it's all spiraled too much out of control. I get it.II've been there. But having been there I realize I should have gotten out sooner and all I ever did was make my life harder. The only outcome is drama and heartache. If you choose to live with it you also choose to handle it. I couldn't. That's why I got out.

[differentcountries]

I have a very limited social life and few friends irl to hang out with and distract me.

Sounds like you need to get more friends, or hang out with the ones you have more. Or even that you need to find ways to entertain yourself by yourself. I did not always have a lot of friends, but I have never been bored or wondered how to distract myself. Even back in the days when I had my heart broken, we did not have internet and such. I concentrated on school/work, I went hiking, I wrote the person's name on the wall of a remote toilet as a way to rid myself of it, I spent hours in the kitchen cooking and forgetting about everything else, I wrote in my journal, I went out to dance at places I hardly knew anybody....there are lots of ways that doesn't rely on internet.

[p_b82]

I have to agree with the comments and and advice given so far.

It shows that your friend does have feelings for you yes, but unless you are both in it for the long haul - and you have tried this relationship and it has not worked, I would say you are better off cutting ties or at least adjusting your mentality towards her until you are able to cope/accept just being friends.

You are just being cruel to yourself holding on to the hope that this time it will be better than it was last time - take a deep breath, accept the situation is how it is, and stop pining after her and the relationship. You wont be able to move on unless you do.

You never know, resetting everything and starting again may bring you both closer again, however while some-one said that they missed doing things with you, they did not appear to say that they wanted to try the relationship again.

If it were me, I would ask the question outright "is there a possibility of an us again in the near future" if not, then cut your ties for a bit to harden yourself emotionally and pull yourself back from your much higher emotional engagement, when you have done that and you are no longer pining, then you can chat as friends, but avoid topics that will stir up the emotions again for a bit.

Like many that are in LDR's due to having smaller circle of friends IRL, it is however not that difficult to go meet people and sitting at home and dwelling/moping on things rather than actively doing 'something' is not going to help you in the long run - been there done that!

Good luck!

[Swederica]

Sounds like you need to get more friends, or hang out with the ones you have more. Or even that you need to find ways to entertain yourself by yourself. I did not always have a lot of friends, but I have never been bored or wondered how to distract myself. Even back in the days when I had my heart broken, we did not have internet and such. I concentrated on school/work, I went hiking, I wrote the person's name on the wall of a remote toilet as a way to rid myself of it, I spent hours in the kitchen cooking and forgetting about everything else, I wrote in my journal, I went out to dance at places I hardly knew anybody....there are lots of ways that doesn't rely on internet.

Yes I need more friends! But I have no idea how to get them or where to even starts and the more I think about it, the more hopeless and frustrated I get. I suffer quite a bit from social anxiety and I score heavily on introversion on various personality tests.
I think I need some form of mentor who can help me and really push me to various social activities to get to know people and learn how to do them. I mean sure I could force myself to a party, I have in the past. But I have no idea how to act or what to do. I just stand in the periphery for a while and then leave. Same with pubs, clubs or anything of the sort. I'm socially awkward.

As gently as I can say it, you either perpetuate your own suffering or you don't. If you choose to, then you also need to find a way to adequately handle it or else you're going to spiral further and further down and either she or you is forced to cut contact because it's all spiraled too much out of control. I get it.II've been there. But having been there I realize I should have gotten out sooner and all I ever did was make my life harder. The only outcome is drama and heartache. If you choose to live with it you also choose to handle it. I couldn't. That's why I got out.

I know and you'll hate my response. As my current life-situation is going and everything surrounding it, I'm too drained to deal with such a massive emotional wound. I have no back-up, no one to talk to in real life about it. No social safety web of any kind.
I've been doing well today, best day so far since all of this. Haven't cried once and my anxiety has been well under control. I know that doesn't make my unwillingness to rip off the band-aid any better or less "teenagey" of me.

Like many that are in LDR's due to having smaller circle of friends IRL, it is however not that difficult to go meet people and sitting at home and dwelling/moping on things rather than actively doing 'something' is not going to help you in the long run - been there done that!

That may hold true for some people, but to go meet people is incredibly difficult for me. It always has been. It's right up there on the difficulty bar with the "Cut all contact with her".
It's the rational thing to do. Sometimes I wish I worked in a rational way, but I've rarely if ever have.
I'm an annoying case who rejects and comes with excuses to all your very well-meaning words and comments.

[differentcountries]

Yes I need more friends! But I have no idea how to get them or where to even starts and the more I think about it, the more hopeless and frustrated I get. I suffer quite a bit from social anxiety and I score heavily on introversion on various personality tests.
I think I need some form of mentor who can help me and really push me to various social activities to get to know people and learn how to do them. I mean sure I could force myself to a party, I have in the past. But I have no idea how to act or what to do. I just stand in the periphery for a while and then leave. Same with pubs, clubs or anything of the sort. I'm socially awkward.

You are not supposed to think about it. It is about doing something. My ex had a bit of social anxiety and we (and everyone else I have dated) are introverts, it is still possable to get friends. My sister even claims I am the most social person she knows (and she is an extrovert). My ex, first thing she did after moving to a new city was starting to volenteer at the student house as a waitress. I really admire that because I know she did not find it easy to talk to new people, she said it helped her because it was a not a real job so she did not really have to do it but still she had to perform while being there so she learned from it with just the right ammount of preassure. She and I have both done volentary work to get friends and contribute (and the experience is one of the reasons I now work in the administration of an NGO). When I started university I did not know anybody, what I did was join and join new socialplaces - some places I liked, some I didn't, eventually I got some friends and then I met more people throught them and gradually I had a proper social circle. I also learned how to take better care of myself by allowing myself breakes, protecting myself from getting emotionally overheated and so on. I really reccomend looking intro introversion books or websites. The more you understand of yourself, the more you know how to make the best of things, feel comfortable around others, be proud of your personality and know what to answer when people go "Oh, you are so quiet, don't you like it here?" and such. I am a big fan of this book and know other introverts liked it too: https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Adv...0461210&sr=1-1

[Swederica]

You are not supposed to think about it. It is about doing something. My ex had a bit of social anxiety and we (and everyone else I have dated) are introverts, it is still possable to get friends. My sister even claims I am the most social person she knows (and she is an extrovert). My ex, first thing she did after moving to a new city was starting to volenteer at the student house as a waitress. I really admire that because I know she did not find it easy to talk to new people, she said it helped her because it was a not a real job so she did not really have to do it but still she had to perform while being there so she learned from it with just the right ammount of preassure. She and I have both done volentary work to get friends and contribute (and the experience is one of the reasons I now work in the administration of an NGO). When I started university I did not know anybody, what I did was join and join new socialplaces - some places I liked, some I didn't, eventually I got some friends and then I met more people throught them and gradually I had a proper social circle. I also learned how to take better care of myself by allowing myself breakes, protecting myself from getting emotionally overheated and so on. I really reccomend looking intro introversion books or websites. The more you understand of yourself, the more you know how to make the best of things, feel comfortable around others, be proud of your personality and know what to answer when people go "Oh, you are so quiet, don't you like it here?" and such. I am a big fan of this book and know other introverts liked it too: https://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Adv...0461210&sr=1-1

I can't quit thinking or disconnect that part of me. Trust me, I've tried. I'm not saying it's not possible to get friends but I've lived for 24 years at this point and I have during those years only been able to make a very small number of real life friends.
I'm not doubting your advice, it's great advice. I just can't force myself to do it. Believe me, I've tried to. But we're talking about something that requires an immense amount of willpower and I have a heap of things that saps my willpower throughout the whole day. I can get through mandatory social interaction, such as that required to complete the internship or that needed to perform a job or study. But beyond that I can never get myself to do it or now where to even start.

I never know what to talk about. I can never find any common ground with people. Such as everyone in my class. No shared hobbies (at all), political beliefs, interests or literally anything at all. Ugh now I'm just into the "making excuses" rant again.

I will reread your advice later and I'll look into that book.

[CanGirl]

You are asking for advice and then just telling people why you can't do this and can't do that. Step up and take the advice or don't post on forums asking for advice. This just frustrates everyone trying to help.

[p_b82]

The hardest thing to do is to change oneself then you don't want to do so; as it means letting go of something else. that something else can be an ideal, a past experience, a girlfriend, or a way of life.

I accept what you say 100% it is about willpower. I am very like you, but I am a stubborn fool on top of it. the day I met my ex I took myself off to a club and she hit on me - I didn't start it - prior to that I was lucky if I left the house once a week, to go food shopping. I worked from home and lived in a small studio flat and 'lived' in the virtual world, so I do know that you are just making excuses to yourself by saying you 'can't' do XYZ - I made them all to myself so I know where you are coming from. But that day I decided enough was enough I was going out on my own and I went where the night took me, I got a few numbers given to me (I was blind drunk so very hazy) and one of them texted me for a date later the week... we were together for 5.5 years before she broke up with me.

The emancipation of breaking those mental bonds that tied me to my flat and a life as 'loner' was what I needed and standing up for yourself mentally will help in all the other areas you have listed as issues as well.

If you can beat your own demons then no-one else's can hurt you!

My advice is to find an interest group, or a hobby activity you are keen on that has no obligation, and force yourself to go when you are up to it, but don't look at it as a chore, as it is something that you 'want' to do and hopefully will enjoy. In time you may find you make some friends there, probably only acquaintances, but you never know. The issue is that if you do not try, you will remain in the 'rut' you are in.

Remember, you are not alone in the way that you feel, and there will be lots of people that feel the same, and share even just that as common ground. Don't give up on yourself and take the easy default route of doing nothing, or you will remain exactly where you are in the same rut for a long while..... Or heaven forbid, spiral down lower and more out of control.

[Swederica]

i have no words at the moment. i'm a stupid fucking person and you're all correct. i'm sorry for saying anything differently.



i kind of just want to stop existing

[Swederica]

she hadn't responded all day today except for a message in the very early morning. other then that she had messaged me how she missed me the evening before that. i went through the day and did so fairly good. i didn't cry once and despite her not responding i felt ok, i had the conviction that she'd respond in time. right before going to bed i discovered that she has multiple facebook accounts. actually i knew that from before but i had searched C to find someone else and it popped up so i thought i'd check. that's when i discover at first that she had an updated profile picture that was 9 hours old. that made me sad because it made me feel ignored. she had time to check facebook and she purposely chose to not message me. then i saw that she was listed as in a relationship. i looked up the guy and found her comment on it as well. 15 hours old. which was in the timeframe of her last message to me.

i am completely empty now, going from shouting to crying to complete silence. i'm ignorant, naive and stupid. all my friends are asleep so i have none to talk to about it. facebook went down as well for me, not sure if that was for everyone. i'm considering screenshotting some of the conversation between her and me and send to that guy. he might not know and i don't want him to potentially suffer, even if she seems more willing to go for him and i can't blame her, he looks better and everything too.