It has ended

[Swederica]

Yesterday, or so, I made a different thread. It's now outdated and no longer very usable so I closed it and any mods can feel free to delete it.
In it I wrote about the continued attempts by the girl whom I love dearly and whom herself says loves me back.
Her and my history is rather complex and has confused and hurt me so many, many times.

We met on a site called interpals. She messaged me because she found me fascinating, I've never had anyone so completely enthusiastic about me before. We decided to a week or so later play some games together. It ended up being Diablo 3 and we played it through. At the time she had a boyfriend so I thought that it was a dead race and that we were just gonna be friends. To my surprise she successively started adding in kiss emotes and such. One thing lead to another and suddenly we were talking about the surprisingly strong feelings we both had for eachother. After a while she tried to break it off because of her boyfriend-situation. I worked frantically to convince her to break it off with him and go for me instead. It seemed successful as things went back to normal. Then ten days later she blew up a very small thing to a giant fight (that I had updated my photos on interpals and because of the comments others had left on them).

At that point I had already planned and booked a trip to go see her. We then talked much less the following half month. I got then more and more annoyed that she talked so infrequently to me so I decided to stop responding to her. After a week she said that if we were to never talk again, then at least we should webcam to see eachother in motion. During that webcam session I completely melted and reignited my plans to go see her. I then went there for 5 fantastic days. The best click I've had with any human being. The last day I got sick and she cared for me and despite my sweatiness from a fever, she held me all night. We then spent the 30 last minutes at the airport holding eachother and crying.

I then went back and I suffered heavily from what you call "post-visit blues". She seemed to fare better. On the last day we also decided to start playing WoW and so we did. We levelled a warrior and priest combo and had tons of fun together. Then eventually she brought up once again that due to, among other factors, that I was allergic to animals and she was gonna be a vet and lived for animals, ours was a love story with no happy ending. It almost destroyed me but we kept contact. I had already assumed that she had ended the relationship she mentioned before I had gone to visit her but here she said that she had ended her relationship for me (when I in panic spouted out "What have you done for us?").

There were periods of less talk and periods of intensified talk. Each time it intensified after a while we ended up talking about our feelings and how much she missed me and I her. Then ended up in dirty-talk. After every time she brought up that we shouldn't talk like that if at all. Each time was a heartbreak for me and a smart person would've pulled out long before this. The better part of August I was feeling really good. I had met new online friends to play with and despite not talking to her for half the month, I handled it well. Then she came back and we started over the same cycle. She said she missed playing with me and a bunch of other things. I responded in kind. We ended up in the dirty-talk (btw these were almost always initiated by her). A while after wards once again the question of that we shouldn't talk that way or at all and she wondered how I did. I asked "Do what?" and she responds eventually with "Make me fall for you".

It's during this last time when the end came. She hadn't responded to me for all of yesterday essentially. I was handling it surprisingly well and thought she was just busy with studying and stuff. Then right before I was gonna go to bed, I discover that she has more than one facebook account. The first I noticed on that other account was that she had updated her profile picture recently (9 hours ago when I saw it and by that time it was 18 hours since I heard from her). Then I noticed she was listed as being in a relationship with someone else. My heart fell through to the floor and I'm certain a part of me died inside. I couldn't believe it considering how just the day before she had talked about how she missed me and the day before that she had initiated, well, dirty-talk. I then decided to screenshot some of her and my conversation and then wrote a balanced and well-meaning message to the other guy including the screenshots. I didn't know if he was aware of this double-play and I figured that if the roles were reversed, I'd want to know too. I didn't have any ill-will to him specifically. After that I blocked them both (well until I was stupid enough to unblock her to send her a last message, then regretting myself to realize there's a 48-hour cooldown on blocking).

Now I don't know what I am to think and what not to think. She had become a huge part of me. My mental image of her had grown so big that by losing her completely is like losing a part of myself. Let me expand. When I feel sad or down I go for a walk to calm down. Usually that involves crying and talking out loud. Usually I talk as if directed to her. In other words I had this mental version of her that I used as someone to talk to and process things. I have a strong suspicion I've made her role in my life so much bigger than I should've.
I've also tried to figure out how much of what she said was a lie and what wasn't. Did she toy around with me? used me when feeling alone? Or was I simply this forbidden attraction to her that she always returned to but had decided/knew would never end good. I don't know.

[differentcountries]

This i totally unaceptable behaviour on her part. The issue is not how big a part you played in her life, but that she does not know how to or does not want to properly talk to you about what is happening. Regardless of her feelings for you and her intentions about you, she seems to have some issues going on. A well rounded person would be able to let you know you were over, or be discreet enough to make a proper fade out of the relationship, she has done neither or both which of course is confusing. She is probably a confused person making confused decitions - these people tend to be drawn to serious, decent, well-meaning people like yourself because part of them wish they knew what they wanted, like you do. She may have issues with commitment which is making her not even commit to breaking up. Please don't romantasize this as to thinking she is not letting herself have you - because even if that is true that is fucked up, that is not a recipie for a healthy relationship. It is not like vetrinarians can't date allergics, I mean you are not alllergic to HER, that is just an excuse for "I don't commit to you". Whatever feelings she has, they are not followed by acts of love. I am sorry she acted in this way towards you. It is probably hard to believe, but there will be other uppertunities to connect romantically, and most women are not as unstable as her.

ps: This guy has not done anything to you (as far as you know), you claim to care about him and send him the evidence of cheating/double play which you think he will "want to know" because you yourself died insidewhen you found out. So basically you let the guy have probably the worst news of his life (according to you) and then block him to make sure he can never contact you with any questions he might have. That is a not a nice way to break this kind of news to someone, it speaks of ambivalence on your part, perhaps even anger towards her new/other man, perhaps because you are unsure of his role in all of this.

[Swederica]

ps: This guy has not done anything to you (as far as you know), you claim to care about him and send him the evidence of cheating/double play which you think he will "want to know" because you yourself died when you found out. So basically you let the guy have the worst news of his life (according to you) and then blocks him to make sure he can never contact you with any questions he might have. That is a not a nice way to break this kind of news to someone, it speaks of ambivalence on your part, perhaps even anger towards her new/other man, perhaps because you are unsure of his role in all of this.

You're absolutely correct. I feel absolutely terrible about that part. It's not my place and not my call to make.
I'm completely swallowed in guilt now. I have unblocked him since.
It's horse-shit from me. Convincing myself that I'm doing a good deed so I don't have to face that in fact it's just plain jealousy and short-mindedness. It's actually among the worst things I've done in my life to anyone.
Does anyone know how to deal with such gut-wrenching guilt?

[snow_girl]

Does anyone know how to deal with such gut-wrenching guilt?

Yea, stop being a drama queen and get on with your life.

[JaneEmily]

I seriously think you need to take a look at your actions. Yes, she played you - but you're an adult too. You need to think of the consequences of your own actions before putting them into action. Just because she hurt you, doesn't mean you have the right to hurt her new boyfriend who may genuinely feel strong for her? Why ruin something that he may have wanted with her for a while too just so you can get pay back and revenge. It's very childish.

I think you're highly irrational and you use your anxieties as an excuse to do them. Yes, you got burned but that's a part of life. Love hurts, and what you thought was special with her, may have just been something for her to pass the time until she found something else to play with. Yes, she is in the wrong here - but so are you for childishly trying to get revenge for messaging her new interest. You may have thought you were doing him a favour, but did you really think of the bigger picture here? You need to calm down and get help for your problems. You need to step away from what you thought you had with her. She was right, you should've cut off contact with her long ago - maybe in some way, she was trying to tell you that she wasn't interested in you any longer. That's usually what it means when people actually suggest to not talk any more. I'd suggest you to not look at her facebook, or his - and to just find preventable ways to not check in on her life. She's made it clear she doesn't want you to be a part of it, now you have to find a way to move on in your own way. We understand you feel like you have a huge hole in your heart, but that's a part of falling for someone and it will heal in time - as long as you try to move on and don't allow yourself to cling onto her and what has been.

I think you should really try checking out 7 Cups Of Tea, their website is free to use and it has advice for all different kinds of problems - from anxiety, to depression and to dealing with the fall out from break ups as well as people there who are trained to be a listener for these sort of things. Just take a look and get yourself some help. You're not helping yourself or anyone to move on if you don't at least try. Get yourself out of the house, go jogging, make a to-do list of things you want to do to get you away from this situation. It'll get better in time but only if you put some effort in.

Sorry if my post seems harsh. I don't mean too but sometimes people need a wake up call with very blunt advice and you just seem like a very irrational emotional person who finds it difficult to take people's advice on board without making a mountain out of a molehill.

Good luck, though. You'll need it.

[lilspitfire]

I kind of have to agree with both DC and snowgirl on stuff they said. Get on with your life. This was girl was definitely playing you. I know it hurts, but if you look at it from an outside standpoint, she was playing you. You can't be an item because you're allergic to animals and she wants to be a Vet? That is the silliest thing I've seen today. First, you don't have to even be around the animals if she is a Vet. Second, there isn't a guarantee she will even be one. Schooling for that is long, hard, grueling, and long. That's like my boyfriend saying we can't be an item because I like Star Trek and he likes Star Wars (which I'm not into either). You are way better off without this girl. Let her go and find someone better for you.

[Moon]

Man, you need some professional help, the way you behave is highly abnormal, and that has been your pattern since you joined this site. This isn't the first time you've done this, with high drama, and ignored everybody who tried to help you. I'm starting to believe maybe you aren't legitimate. If you are, none of us at this site can give you the help you need. You live in a socialist country with healthcare, go see a psychiatrist, you need it.

[FatalX]

The first warning sign was when she left her boyfriend for you. If someone does that, chances are she's going to do it to you in the future, it also goes to show you her character as a person.

You are a MAN, act like one. There are so many girls out there you can get, stop focusing on one that obviously treats you like dirt. Get some hobbies, work on yourself, make friends, etc.

[lilspitfire]

The first warning sign was when she left her boyfriend for you. If someone does that, chances are she's going to do it to you in the future, it also goes to show you her character as a person.

You are a MAN, act like one. There are so many girls out there you can get, stop focusing on one that obviously treats you like dirt. Get some hobbies, work on yourself, make friends, etc.

Nicely said.

[snow]

The first warning sign was when she left her boyfriend for you. If someone does that, chances are she's going to do it to you in the future, it also goes to show you her character as a person.

You are a MAN, act like one. There are so many girls out there you can get, stop focusing on one that obviously treats you like dirt. Get some hobbies, work on yourself, make friends, etc.

Woah. Hold on there.
Who are you to judge her character based on a choice she made? Are you the partner she left? Do you know more about her than all of us? What is her character based on the fact that she left her partner?
If you don't like it, fine, but do not judge people you do not know based on things you know nothing about.

Also, while I agree that the OP needs to focus his attention on other things, this has nothing to do with him being a man or acting like one.

[Moon]

Woah. Hold on there.
Who are you to judge her character based on a choice she made? Are you the partner she left? Do you know more about her than all of us? What is her character based on the fact that she left her partner?
If you don't like it, fine, but do not judge people you do not know based on things you know nothing about.

Also, while I agree that the OP needs to focus his attention on other things, this has nothing to do with him being a man or acting like one.

I think, judging from other posts, that FatalX is a guy, and maybe this OP really needs some male perspective on this. While I don't disagree with you about what he said about the girl, I think his input can be valuable seeing that there's not much male thought process around this place In general (CQ - don't read this ), women usually are more coddling, almost nurturing, where another man will be much less gentle and get to the point. I don't think gentle, womanly words will do much good here. Just my opinion though.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I don't think gentle, womanly words will do much good here. Just my opinion though.

lol.. umm.. you saw gentle womanly words here? :P
I saw 'stop being so dramatic' and 'move on' and 'yeah you got played but you're an adult, act like it.'

[Swederica]

I think, judging from other posts, that FatalX is a guy, and maybe this OP really needs some male perspective on this. While I don't disagree with you about what he said about the girl, I think his input can be valuable seeing that there's not much male thought process around this place In general (CQ - don't read this ), women usually are more coddling, almost nurturing, where another man will be much less gentle and get to the point. I don't think gentle, womanly words will do much good here. Just my opinion though.

Emotionally I much closer relate to women than men. In my relationships I have also ended up in the position that is traditionally occupied by the woman.

[TwoThree]

The first warning sign was when she left her boyfriend for you. If someone does that, chances are she's going to do it to you in the future, it also goes to show you her character as a person.

That is bullshit. Sometimes it takes meeting the right person to realize you were with the wrong person. My best friend was engaged to someone and then she met a guy at work who was engaged to someone else. They both broke off their engagements and have been happily married for five years. I think their character is irreproachable.

[differentcountries]

You are a MAN, act like one.

That is so insultive towards feminine guys and women alike. I would say rather come to terms with who you are, and learn how to run when bad news knocks on your door. There are plenty of men with some feminine traits in them that know how to stand up for themselves, and women who know how to do that too, selvrespect and learning how to make the best out of life has nothing to do with gender. Toughening up is not all good, I have seen people become emotionally unavailable in an attempt to be less soft, but the aim is rather to create a balance so you dear open your heart but still see the red flags as they might appear, be open but caucious.