He's not romantic.

[sunnyk5594]

So my SO and I have been together almost a year and a half now. I love mostly everything about him, I really do. The ONE thing that just sticks in the back of my mind, is he's not romantic. AT ALL.

I've tried hinting that I'd like him to be more on the romantic side and I've also flat out told him "i'd really like it it maybe you'd send me something in the mail " and he always replies with "I'm really busy" or "like what?!" And I've told him different things I think would be nice and cute and not to mention VERY inexpensive and yet I still haven't received anything. I know material things aren't what love is about. I completely understand that. But I've told him "Ya know, maybe if you see something that makes you think of me or think that I'd like you could always send it to me." And yet, still nothing. And it's not just sending me stuff. It's texts and posts in social media. He never tells me I'm pretty, beautiful, etc. I'm always sending cute lovey texts and he always replies with short 3 or 4 word replies. It's really aggravating. I also see guys sending their SO cute stuff on social media and telling them how much they love them and how thankful they are to have them and I just sit back and read all this and let out a huge *sigh* and think to myself 'wow it must be nice to feel loved and appreciated'

I think the one thing that's hurt me the most is a few weeks ago
I went into the mall and saw this blanket with his favorite TV show on it. I immediately bought it with money I DIDN'T have to spare. But I thought I'd buy it for him cause I knew he'd love it. After the blanket, the envelope, and the shipping cost it all added up to about $40. A few days later, he received it and told me how much he loved it. It made me so happy to see him happy. A few hours after receiving it, I told him to make sure he wrote down my new address (we recently moved). I told him "Just incase you might ever need it." And here's the part that killed me. He quickly replied with "Um, I mean I really don't see why I'll ever need it." Guys, that literally killed me inside. Like really?! Idk what to think about all this or if I'm thinking too much into it. Advice?

[lilspitfire]

Wow............................................no words. I'm sorry.

[Moon]

My guy isn't romantic, no amount of anything will ever make him romantic. Over 5 years, I've sent him plenty of things, but haven't gotten so much as a card from him You know what? His cluelessness in the romance department was a little bothersome at first, but over the years I've learned he shows love and affection differently than the Disney movies and chick flicks tell us to expect, and I've grown (mostly) content with that. Some guys will never, ever get it, but you've done the right thing by telling him how you feel and explaining what he can do, now it's up to him.

You have to decide if his lack of romantic gestures is something you can live with, or not, because he really might not ever change. If you can look past what you think you should expect and see what he's actually doing, it might be OK, unless he's doing nothing at all. If he's perfect to you in every other way, you're doing just fine

[differentcountries]

My SO knows perfectly well where I live, he even as if hinting mentioned he kept my adress and asked if I would prefer having stuff sendt to home or work, still even when he had nothing to do all day he never sends me anything. I love sending him stuff or preparing stuff for him to get live but I backed down a little. He says he feels bad he has not done so much because he is not inventive like me and not a writer. I suspect he will not send as much as a letter. I like letters, am even used to getting them in relationships. I am fine with the lack of that kind of attention because he is nice to me in other ways. Especially he is physically affectionate which is very important to me, and he sets aside time for me which I also appreciate. He is verbally spontanious so I can see why putting something in writing is weird to him, even if he really likes it when I do it.

Did you guys talk about the 5 love languages? It sounds like your idea of romance equals the gift language and affirmative words. The others three are time, touch and doing favours.

[Redheart14]

My friend had this trouble with her boyfriend. She started a "warm fuzzy" day they chose one day (the first of every month) to do something nice for each other. It's not always gifts, sometimes it's a nice text, collage on a photo app or a post on fb. Anything can be included such as letters, chocolates. Seeing they live together sometimes it's something like taking out the trash, cooking or doing the shopping. He took a while to get into it, but now my friend says he's much better. Of course you'd have to both agree to it but I guess it helped him make a more conscious effort. Maybe you could try suggesting that to him.

[OperaDiva]

I think your issue is that he is not expressing affection the way you wish he would. Does he show love in other ways? As others have pointed out, the question might be if you are willing to accept that his ways are enough for you. Alternatively, if you feel that you need something in this relationship (not want, but need in order to feel fulfilled), then express that need in the right way (without putting blame, using I-feel statements, etc) and then if he doesn't want to or cannot meet that need, that would be a problem. I cannot tell from your post if you have made the appropriate effort to recognise your needs and to communicate them to him.

[snow]

There is a difference in lack of romance and lack of appreciation/making you feel loved.
I can deal with no romance or very little romance, but if I never felt appreciated and loved, I would have to bring this up.

I'd say, think about your relationship. Think about things he did for you and see if you can deal with his lack of romance in the future.

[sugarkane92]

I completely understand your frustration, as I am a sucker for romantic gestures and sweet words, and I'm going through something similar with my SO (who used to be the most romantic of boyfriends at first, all cutesy and lovey-dovey), but you need to keep in mind that people display affection in different ways. What does he do for you? He might be expressing love and affection in a way that is natural for him but that you don't recognize because it doesn't meet your needs. As everyone else said, you need to ask yourself if it's something you can live with. And if you realize you can't, I would talk to him again, help him understand what your needs are and what's important to you, maybe you can find a compromise. It's essential that you both feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship.

[Gingerlyme]

Darling, my s/o is exactly the same. He has no romantic bone in his body.
i sort of blame it on his lack of relationships. weird thing is, he loves romantic comedies but never picks up on the ideas from them (go figure..)

you have to be accepting of the fact that your boyfriend probably is just one of those guys who really doesnt understand romance and is more of a practical modern fella. You have to either accept that or have a discussion with him about your expectations. Dont let it fester and blow up on him one day, guys never understand why girls do that.

I have come to accept my s/o lack of romance. I am fine with it. but he does the occasional "you mean so much to me" and the "I really like you a lot and i know i suck at expressing myself but i am working on it" which always makes me feel better and appreciated.

Maybe you can ask him how he feels about you and see if he comes up with something sweet? guys either say something really cute or gets dumbfounded when questioned like that out of the blue. maybe you'll figure out a sweet side of him.

[lucybelle]

My SO doesn't like giving "useless" gifts. One year his idea of a great Christmas present was to get me a pair of shoes I needed for work. Wah wah. I now straight up tell the man what I want- "buy me flowers for me birthday and if I'm upset", "buy me earrings that look like this", "write me a nice note", etc. Sure it's slightly less romantic but I don't get disappointed anymore!

[differentcountries]

For me, the whole point is that I like surprises, so if would never work for me to tell anyone what I want. I even sort of don't like giving people wish lists for birthdays and Christmas because even if I am always writing lists of things I wish I could have, I would rather get something else, something I did not think of and perhaps could not even acess myself. I dont' think I want gifts especially, but I sometimes want the thoughtfulness that lies behind gifts - that I was noticed as a person and figured out something very special that was just for me. I can be very upfront about stuff I want, but I guess to me giftgiving is a bit like seduction - you can make it like a routine and it sure can be fun like that (I have made Christmas calenders for my husband for 10 years and he still loves them) but there is something very special about putting together something unexpected. I may say something in a very general sense, like: "I noticed gifts mean more to me lately" or "I would like it so much if I got a letter because then I can keep your words with me", but I would not order something from anyone. I am generally not such a fan of hints, but here to me only hints will do, or I would cheat myself of a surprise. So far it seems to be working. Oh, one exeption: I told my husband: you HAVE to write me a card for my birthday! He did not one year and got a bit surprised I got so angry that I did not get a card... I was used to getting one and liked it, so when he did not one year I was like: Don't you like me anymore .

[snow]

I get your point, but it's also about compromises. Surprises are wonderful, but if you can get your SO to write you a card for your birthday, buy flowers when you're upset or when it's your anniversary, then that is a step forward and it saves you from disappointment.

[Ahava]

My guy isn't romantic, no amount of anything will ever make him romantic. Over 5 years, I've sent him plenty of things, but haven't gotten so much as a card from him You know what? His cluelessness in the romance department was a little bothersome at first, but over the years I've learned he shows love and affection differently than the Disney movies and chick flicks tell us to expect, and I've grown (mostly) content with that. Some guys will never, ever get it, but you've done the right thing by telling him how you feel and explaining what he can do, now it's up to him.

You have to decide if his lack of romantic gestures is something you can live with, or not, because he really might not ever change. If you can look past what you think you should expect and see what he's actually doing, it might be OK, unless he's doing nothing at all. If he's perfect to you in every other way, you're doing just fine

THIS!

My guy isn't romantic either, he has never told me he loves me, but I know he does, he shows me in other ways. He is there for me and ready to listen, he showers me with gifts on Christmas and birthday. And treats me well. He isn't good with words, I have to milk him for compliments! But that's just who he is. In the beginning we both sent each other stuff in the mail but haven't now in a long time.

If we keep looking and expecting them to perform like the heart throbs in Hollywood movies, we will never be happy.
Try and focus on the things he does do and not on the things others SO's do.

[Swederica]

Interestingly enough I've had the same issue yet opposite. The women I've met have never been very romantic. It's happened at times. I, on the other hand, have a tendency of going over the top to the point of sometimes reaching absurdum. It's not very enjoyable either for the opposite part I'm sure.
Always showing my appreciation/love, thinking of some gift, remembering important little things, trying to find something meaningful are obvious things for me to do. I feel good doing it and I'm sure it's amplified by me being too unsure of myself and thus trying a bit too hard to give whoever it is a reason for actually staying or want to be with me, I suppose.
Of course it does create the expectation and subsequent disappointment and hurt when whomever you do all those things for doesn't respond in kind.

I've failed so far in doing so but I think it's important to remove your own framework and view of the world to see it from the SOs side. Otherwise it may cause situations where you just end up thinking "Alright s/he doesn't love me". God knows I've fallen into that trap.

[differentcountries]

Swederica: It is a matter of taste and preferance as much as anything else. Sure you may go overboard, but some girls love an intense approach - perhaps other kinds of girls than the ones who have connected with so far. It can be someone who is not so romantic themselves, but they can still appreciate your effort and give you the validation you crave through that. I saw a tv show yesterday about couples, in one couple the guy was very romantic (always remembered birthdays and Valentine's etc.) and the girl had no clue about dates or anything but she still liked whatever he did and she was very vocal about it.

It is not always neccesary to "pay back" whatever is given. I always knew that no way is he going to make books to me where he writes about his love, even though now I have made him... 4 books I think, 2 calenders and one ornament thing. I never expected him to. I know that I am good with words and that he doesn't even write letters to his family, even his replies on FB/Viber/Skype chat are really short, like an actual conversation dependant on feedback. He is very spontaniously good with words though; if he feels happy he will not hesitate to express it using big words wheras I am more shy in sharing my joy unless on paper. I also tend to hold back using words like love, I expect the other person to use it first and only then will I feel comfortable using it myself. He is very Hollywood-like in his approach to love, it is all or nothing for him, he will actually say stuff like "We are the love story of the century". I am constantly shocked about the stuff the comes out of his mouth

I love to bake stuff for him but I know he is not going to surprise me with a cake (even though he always claims he will learn to cook from his mother I know that is never going to happen!). I have always been very girly in the kitchen and liking to bake - in fact I used to fight with my female ex because she would go like NO I am going to bake! haha. Wheras SO and my husband will do perhaps just simple desserts but love that I do cake. Being different is not all bad.

What I am not good at, and that my boys do wery well, is using their network to surprise me. For instance, my husband once arranged with someone he knew so that I would get discounted skin treatment (which was a big deal, since we did not make much money at the time and also I had never had proffesional skin treatment before), and my SO once got his generous cousin to drive us all across the area like a sightseeing, that was superromantic even though it was a family trip. I would not even think to arrange any of those things for someone, they just would not spring to mind.

I do love hints in a romantic setting, but it is not always working out (for instance, it works crap when you are drunk, as we found out). And I do love talking about things straight, but I hesitate to order people to do something (according to NVC communication it can be seeminly effective while at the same time fostering resentment if the other person is not 100% on board with the decition. I have felt that myself, going along with providing romantic stuff I was not wholly comfortable doing, growing tired of it and then finding it hard to go back once we started to make a routine of it.)

The words "do something different" comes to mind. If whatever you do or expect is not working out, it is time to try something new.