I initiated a break up and I still have no idea if it is even a good idea

[madandblue]

The main problem about me and my SO is that he want kids and I do not. True, we're still in our twenties and we're too young to plan a family but for me at least when confronted with distance we only have the future to look forward and it is the child rearing aspect that neither of us can compromise. There might be a possibility that I would change my mind and want to have his kids, but my greatest fear is what if I don't? I never want to end up hating him or him hating me because it is quite a huge sacrifice.

Other than that, I am getting unhappy in this ldr. I feel as if I'm being taken for granted sometimes, and I get the feeling that he's not very interested in me as a person. He doesn't ask what am I passionate about, or what do I care about etc. He likes indepth conversations, answering and sharing his perspective whenever I initiated them, but very seldom he would bother to question me back. This made me have the impression tht he isn't curious about me, or he assumed what I'm going to reply - both of which made me feel mildly irritated. I thought it's extremely important to know each other as a human because it shows strong interest in the other person other than attraction, so when I feel it is slightly lacking in him I got disheartened too.

Nevertheless, we were very happy together when I was still an exchange student, physically by his side. We had seen each other worst and still chose love. It is the happiest period of my life. It's just that what distance did for us is to draw attention to problems we overlooked in our relationship before, and despite reasonable amount of negotiations there still isn't any compromise (for kids issue) nor improvements (for second issue)... So I asked for a break up. These kind of talks just affect us negatively, and it will continue to haunt us throughout this relationship. I felt conflicted because I will feel super guilty very time it happened, thinking why can't I just let in, and then annoyed at myself because I think I deserve the right to ask for more. It is this internal, endless battle with myself that makes it so hard to be in this ldr that even though I try not to show him too much of this negativity it really is an ernomous amount of stress for me. My rationale is that this break will set him free from my moods, and set me free from my self inflicted burdens.

I believed in a clean break (he was against it) so I blocked him. That night I spent literally the whole night crying, and the next day, and the next. I never felt my heart wretched so bad and it took all my willpower not to unblock him, to skype him begging for him to have me back, to book a ticket to fly to him and tell him I'm sorry please forgive me. I am still painfully in love with him, oh god. The only restraint is because I don't want him to accept me again and for him to be vulnerable to me anymore.

I need strength to carry this through, please help me.

[lilspitfire]

Why does there need to even be a compromise on the kids thing? You're still young. And if he is practically saying it's kids or be gone, then be glad you left. From the looks of it, you've barely been together a year, so this shouldn't be this big of an issue yet. You're 21. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE live your life and do not be swayed into having children before you're ready. You don't even want it. If you do fix things with him, you need to be sure he knows that the topic of children is not up for serious discussion right now especially if he keeps bringing it up, which by your post, it appears that way. And furthermore, compromise and kids sound very terrible put together. If you're both looking at it like that, someone will be resentful. My SO wants kids. I don't. But with him, I'd have them. I already know that. I'd give him anything in the entire Universe just to see him happy. But it's not a compromise and I KNOW I will never resent it or him. I've already searched within myself for that answer. No one forced me on it. Or made me feel guilty for not wanting them.

[Jaac]

I'm not sure I fully understand your situation...
To me it sounds like you don't know what you want.
You want to break up, but when you are apart you are unhappy as well.
If the Kids issue is a deal breaker right NOW, you should end it. Maybe you should give it a rest and talk about it in person when you see each other again.

Other than this, you are in some kind of fight with yourself. And you try to convice yourself that breaking up will be best for HIM, because you don't want to burdain him with your moods?
If he really loves you, I am a hundred percent sure he would take the moods for granted until you figure yourself out (communicate this with him).
Believe me, you're hurting him more with this than with your moods. Imagine someone you love with all your heart, telling you 'I want to break up'. 'No wait, I don't really...' 'But I do.'

Take a holiday or tell him you're fighting with yourself and take a huge step back in your contact. Figure out what you want. If that's with him you need to tell him what was wrong and you need to find a solution together.

I'm sorry if this doesn't solve any of your problems.. Like I said, your story is very confusing to me

[differentcountries]

I would have broken up with my husband pretty early if he did not want kids with me. That is because it is something I very much want. So I can understand you wanting to make a clean break and you both can find someone who wants the kind of future you want. I think the less interested attitude comes naturally if you can't see yourself having a future together. Some friends of mine have been together 10 years, they still disagree on kids and now that she is past her fertile peak she feels a rush and things get ugly. If you know you can't live with kids, stick to that.

[sugarkane92]

Did he tell you that not having kids would be a deal breaker for him? I think both issues could be put to rest without breaking up with him, especially since you clearly aren't happy with your decision. I would confront him, tell him that talking about it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy, and since you're still young and have started dating only a few months ago, you shouldn't worry about this right now. You should use this time to get to know each other, not decide whether you'll have kids or not. I'm not saying you should pretend it's not a potential issue, you should acknowledge that there's a difference of opinions for the moment, and deal with it only when/if things get more serious and you start making plans for the future, or if you've been together for a long time.

As for the other issue, the fact that you feel like he's taking you for granted, that's not something you should keep to yourself. You should talk to him about it, the way we feel doesn't always reflect the reality of the situation. I don't think a person who wants to start a family with you or tries to stop you from breaking up with them is not interested in you and your opinions. I might be wrong of course, but so could you, and I think it's something worth discussing (calmly, without fighting) with the person you love.

One last thing, you shouldn't decide what's best for him. Tell him you're confused right now, and let him decide if he's willing to take it or not.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but I wanted to give you my honest opinion.

[Moon]

If there's one thing that there's really no compromise on, it's having kids. Unless you're kind of neutral about the idea, there are no good solutions for that.

You might decide later on that you want kids, but you also might find that you don't. Both choices are perfectly fine, but I think in this instance, it's important to find a partner who feels the same, even if he's just not sure yet. You don't sound like this relationship was that great anyway, especially since you weren't getting along well while apart, which is obviously very important in LD, so maybe this break up is for the best. Breakups are painful and they usually have at least some degree of doubt involved, so you sound perfectly normal there. If he's as young as you are, he shouldn't even be worried about kids yet, but since he is, it shows how absolutely important having them is to him, which shows you just aren't that compatible right now. Good luck.

[rhabdoviridae]

I agree with Moon - there's really no compromising when it comes to having children. I think it was the right thing to move on now - too many people think, Oh I'll just wait and they'll change their mind and then that person doesn't change their mind and it's a lot more miserable a situation because so much time, effort and emotion had gone into that relationship.

I think some doubt is normal after a break up. Time fixes just about everything, so just keep getting through the days and take some time to do things that you enjoy.

[Swederica]

I can understand you. It's one of those times when the relationship is perpetually hurting both of you more and more but the thought of ending it (even though you know you have to) hurts even more and actually go through with ending it is yet again more painful. Kudos to you if you actually manage to go through with it. I find your reasons to be understandable. Just know that the damage has already been done. With that I mean that even if you return to him, it'll hang on both of your shoulders and make next break-up more likely. Better to avoid that cycle altogether. Also, going back to him would be like the effect of a drug. You'd feel good for a while but after that short period passes, right back to feeling or even worse. With that said, you probably know that already. It's just the trap that I fell into for a long while.

Endure the desire and pass it. It'll come in time, both for you and for me (going through the same, sort of). Trust in your reasons and their validity.

[Ejoriah]

I don't think that the fact you are unhappy with your decision means it wasn't the right one. Breakups are nasty, no matter if you're the one doing the break up or not, and sadness does not mean that you did the wrong thing. I agree with those who have said that children are not something you can compromise on. I typically do the same thing of telling my potential partners early on what I want out of life so that if things are too incompatible we break it off sooner than later.

It's OK to grieve for the relationship. Just because you had some wonderful times, doesn't mean it was the right one for you. Be kind to yourself.