to fly to see him or not?

[aggie]

I dont know how many of you remember my thread from the old members site,
so just a short reminder ...
After 3 months spent together 24/7 i got home, things were great for another month and then T went back to his old way of dealing with LD - trying not to think about it, which obviously lead to me feeling unloved. Stupidly, i couldnt solve the problem in any other way ... i had a sort of one night stand - with a guy that im not at all close to, and we only kissed and cuddled and i havent seen him since (doesnt matter). Feeling totally awkward, i told Toby everything ... and so the nightmare begun.
he would ignore my apologies, my emails, my messages.. whenever we'd talk on the phone it would be me talking and his one word answers as a reply ... went like that for a month... then we talked on nye (but he cant remember that), then we talked a week after and it was really nice, like i felt we could get things working again, and we talked about what we could do if i came to aus soon.... but then two days later he ignored my calls again (even though he was home, on msn speaking with a good female friend of his - which btw he lied about, but i know he did. because... well, i just know)... so we had our final conversation on 12th of january... when i rang his home number, talked to his mum for a bit, she then went to wake him up... and the convo was more like an interview... so i got angry, told him i loved him and that ive done everything i could.
in the meantime he also said he doesnt know if he still loves me. and that he feels differently when im there than when we're apart. and he pointed out that its gonna be really hard for us to be together because of our major trust issues...

I decided to give him time. perfect, because my exam period is on now and i really should focus on that.. after a week he would comment my status on fb. i only replied shortly to clear things up, so that he doesnt get some stupid ideas, when it was really about him. couple of days later he msgd me on msn. nothing important either + i was asleep when he wrote.

today i broke, i was gonna wait till my bday which is in 9 days and see what he'd do.... i couldnt last any longer. and i started talkin to him even though it was 4am in australia and he was waay to tired. we only talked for like 15 minutes.. nothing too serious (i dont wanna scare him with my needy-ness again)... but it felt good. except he didnt say "i miss you too" ... or anything that could give me hope.

the thing is... my godfather wants to give me return flights to anywhere in the world. of course, i thought about going to aus to just solve the thing... either one way or another, because i hate 'not knowing'.... but now that i think about it - he never made the effort to come to poland, he only came to ireland for 2 weeks to see me (well, i know im in better financial situation - have both parents.. so maybe im just expecting too much) ... and what if i go to aus (of course, i do have friends there apart from him) for the 3rd time... and its not worth it ? i mean, not everyday you get to choose a place to go to for a holiday ... and theres so many countries to explore.
so what do i do ? should i go to aus to try and fix things? and even if it doesnt work out just spend the time with my friends? or maybe i should tell him that if he wants to meet me, he could come to malaysia/thailand with me (flights to there are cheaper than to poland?)... or do i wait till bday/vday which is within next two weeks and see what he does?
im not ready to have another 'serious' conversation with him just yet... and i know he isnt either. so i cant really ring him and ask him because all id get would be something along the lines 'i dont care. you do what you want'....


sorry for the long post. but hey, people, what are your thoughts?
[i also have a feeling i wasnt really writing in english correctly, so if you have troubles understanding - apologies]

[lunamea]

Hm, that's definitely difficult. Even though you say you're not ready to have a "serious conversation", I think you should have it as soon as possible - in person! Whether you meet somewhere and take a vacation together or you go to see him, I think things like this can only finally be resolved in person. About going to Australia to see him: I guess right now, you still have to make it up to him, so I think it wouldn't be a waste of money and time to go see him and see where your relationship is going, if you still want to be with him. I'd first make sure he wants you there, though. I know you're scared it might be the end, but just ask him honestly if he would want to see you if you came to resolve things. At this point, I wouldn't suggest him going somewhere to see you: first of all, that might make him angry as you are the one having to do the making-up and second of all, he might feel better meeting you at home. Good luck!

[aggie]

Yeah.. I suppose you're right... Even though it feels like I've done everything I still feel guilty and nothing can make up for it. So i wont forgive myself unless I really DO everything to make it up for him.
He will never say (and never said) something along 'I want you to do that or that' so even if i ask him if he wants to see me he will response with 'you know the best ... just do what you want to do'. Like he never tries to hold me back. I know he won't run away from me and we could talk ...... but I just have the feeling that as soon as I leave things are gonna be the way they are now.
In fact I asked him today what do I do if i dont know whether the most important person in my life wants to see me .... and he said 'only you can answer that'. It just seems like he wants me to make decision whether I really want to be with him.....
Anyways, i think Australia it is. Not everyday you get a chance to fly anywhere you want for free, but hey, the life is ahead of me and i can do the travelling later. Hopefully with him
Thanks lunamea, its great to get someone elses point of view! (i have a housemate and he's doing well with interpreting things, but he's also very sceptic and pessimistic so sometimes it doesnt help)

[Tanja]

I'd definitely go see him if I had the chance - first of all you don't have to pay for your trip yourself so you can see him for free and second, how would it make him feel if he knew you can have a free trip anywhere in the world and you WOULDN'T use the opportunity to go see him?

[aggie]

ah, i never thought about it.... its probably that i like my independency (even though i have my be-clingy-and-annoying-as-hell stages) and as soon as i'm not secure about the relationship i tend to give less... just to protect myself. i guess if i knew he still could be the guy he was a year ago... id do anything, but because i'm not sure where it's going... oh dear, i love LFAD people! thanks!

[Roberta]

I'd say in this situation, you should go with your gut instinct. If you really feel that this is something you have to do and that it will help your relationship, I say go for it. =D Just make sure that while you're there you both talk about the issues and how you can solve them. You won't be able to fly there every single time you or he has a problem. Good luck! =)

[lunamea]

He will never say (and never said) something along 'I want you to do that or that' so even if i ask him if he wants to see me he will response with 'you know the best ... just do what you want to do'. Like he never tries to hold me back. I know he won't run away from me and we could talk ...... but I just have the feeling that as soon as I leave things are gonna be the way they are now.
In fact I asked him today what do I do if i dont know whether the most important person in my life wants to see me .... and he said 'only you can answer that'. It just seems like he wants me to make decision whether I really want to be with him.....
Thanks lunamea, its great to get someone elses point of view! (i have a housemate and he's doing well with interpreting things, but he's also very sceptic and pessimistic so sometimes it doesnt help)

You're very welcome! Yeah, I know guys who are evasive like that - I'm married to one! When I asked my husband what he thought about me going to study abroad (something we knew I'd do ever since we got together), he was all like "that's your decision, you do what's best for you", too, and only later on I found out that he had secretly been hoping I wouldn't go!!! I really appreciate him being selfless like that (because if he had told me the truth, I might not have gone), but then again, I wish he had just said what he felt: we might have figured something else out (tried harder to get him to come with me) or found a compromise (I wouldn't have gone for a whole year, but just one semester). So, I can see where your bf is coming from - he doesn't want to put pressure on you, he wants it to be *your* decision.

Oh, and by the way, I think you're getting a pretty good deal, anyway - I imagine flights from Poland to Australia are among the most expensive there are (I know flights from Austria to Australia are very pricey!), so you still get more out of it than if he lived somewhere in Europe or so! LOL

About him not being the same person he's been a year ago... have you seen him in the past year (you said you spent 3 months together, but I don't know how long ago that was)? I'm just asking this because, from personal experience, it seems to me that you can interpret a lot of things wrong and easily feel unloved in an LDR... this has definitely happened to me, because my hb is not that good at expressing his feelings in words as much as I'd like him to, either, but he does it very well in person. Before I went to visit him in January, I felt he didn't care about me anymore, either, but when I was there, he showed me how much I mean to him and ever since, things have been great between us again.

I also totally understand you giving less... it's only natural to hold back if he doesn't express his feelings. I've done the same, but it didn't really help. I still try to tone it down and not be all lovey-dovey all the time, but when I feel like doing something nice for him or expressing my feelings, I just do it and don't expect him to reciprocate immediately anymore. I just keep all the nice things he's ever written or try to remember all the cute things he's said and this way convince myself of his love when I miss him actually expressing his feelings in words...

[aggie]

Yes, it's really frustrating when they do that and it's also cool too. They expect you to make the right decision, like they're not accepting the fact that you could actually change your mind FOR them i guess its something about them wanting us to be happy ... but god, sometimes you just wish they said something to help you out! because even though you are sure they care, their you-know-better attitude makes me think they don't ....

Well, the 3 months i spent with him was july- september... and it was okay, but i think he got out of honeymoon stage way quicker than i did... and by that i mean that a year into our relationship he would be the one to initiate contact and ask questions and now he expects me to just tell him stuff, but doesnt comment much on it. He used to be soo romantic ... and now he just doesn't show it that much (even though i have seen the songs he's written for me <3 and the board he has on his wall, or when ive written 'i love you' over my physics notes i was reading when i was there, he stuck it to his bed and wanted to keep it there).... It probably has to do with two things - one, that i totally understand - it is easier for him to just not think about me ... he was on anti-depressants for a little bit after i first left, and now just thinking about the distance brings him down. So he tries to keep busy, and limits the contact to minimum (well... now its obvious he does, but i mean before the whole thing i did ..)... just because it is easier to lock himself in a 'nothing box' and play computer games or drink with friends or work. I suppose it's better for him, but it hurts me sometimes.
And secondly, among the cultural differences we also have a little bit of different backgrounds. i grew up in a big city, with both of my parents doin pretty well, going to the top schools and all that. and even now, im at uni, with my own apartment (which i hoped for a long time would be ours for at least a month) and my parents support, while he lost his dad and had to help with the family (having 3 siblings) in a small town... so my parents dont think hes worth it (obviously, they dont realize, how it works that they can now afford going to aus for a holiday, while he is still paying off his trip to europe)... and i get the feeling sometimes, that he feels the same. And it makes me feel bad, because i dont think my life is any better than his, I think he has achieved so much ... but he doesnt, and hence, doesnt want to hold me back... Like i was totally willing to quit my uni course to move to aus, but he didn't let me... and there are days when i understand his point, that we should get whatever we want in life and then eventually start a family together, when we're both satisfied. but sometimes, it just feels like he doesnt want me there. so annoying, that im about to get paranoid.

Ah, i suppose we're just both super-insecure about this.. and dont know how to prove to each other how much it means to us, unless we are close together.

I hate when my work for him is being ignored... but its once again that we both feel 'its not enough'. But lack of response makes me wonder ... I actually have a list of all the nice things he said/did for me on my wardrobe so that i can remind myself that he cares and loves, just in a different way. and definitely giving less never works, but doesnt it just feel like they dont want you to be all 'i miss you, i love you, that reminded me of you, my teddy smells like you' ? sometimes?

it really depends on a day with me.
but as for now, and last 2 days it looks like australia is gonna be my destination!
feels like i discovered the love in me again... i still have no idea why him... but does it even matter?
i cant wait.... even though it may end and im soo scared, i will be sure that i have done everything to fix it...