Feeling frustrated

[Lost confused]

Hi all.
I thought I'd post here because I'm unsure if I'm overreacting or if my opinion in valid. I'm finding my partner to be quite ineffective at supporting me emotionally during a crisis or problem. I'm there for him if he needs me, I listen, don't judge and provide constructive feedback or when required tell him straight up. Either way, I'm calling or texting him to help him, checking in and providing options that could assist him. Obviously all aren't relevant at times but I'm there for him.

Today I needed him. I rang him about loosing my chance to move to close the distance I'd been trying so hard for the last 8 moths for this, and all he said was "it will get better". He tries to get me off the subject, at first I thought it was to cheer me up as he hates seeing me down. But I've noticed it's something he's done for the past 3 years. I was devastated and was expecting him to at least console me, a little.


I was obviously not in the mood to talk and he said we'll talk tonight. Well he hasn't rang me.....the only thing I heard from him was "it will get better" when I asked "how?" I got nothing. Am I overreacting? I mean I don't expect him to know how to solve this, but in a time when I needed him, I feel I was brushed off. I know he'd be hurt if I had dismissed him like this so I was hoping he'd talk to me.

I just wanted some encouraging words of support like I give him. The distance is so hard and closing it was something I was hoping for, for so long. It seems that I care more about it than he does. So while waiting for him to call I'm on Facebook ( how I hate it) and I see he is out with friends. I feel that I want this more than him. I'm also worried that if this is the way he reacts in a crisis like situation ( even though it's not a huge life threatening crisis) that it's a huge red flag. I know us girls show love more than we usually get, but love is being there through good and bad. I'm there for him, am I valid in feeling like this?

[ronjaandbirk]

I think it depends on how he is otherwise. Not everyone is good at comforting others. Maybe it pains him alot to see you sad and he can't deal with it, or he just really feels insecure on what to do to make you feel better. Have you told him that you feel unsupported?
If he's not making you feel loved generally I'd say it's definatly a red flag, but if he just has a hard time to be supportive in a crisis then I would file that under insecurity. It's not ideal of course but I really think theres people comfort comes naturally to and people who have a hard time.

Try to show him how much his support means to you, and if he does something no matter how small that does cheer you up encourgae him by telling him how much that helped you.

Are there other signs that you are doing more to close the distance than he does? Do you do all the work? has he even considered moving closer to you instead?
Maybe the thougt of a big change like that is really scary to him, so no matter how much he wants to be with you, it is quite a change to what he had so far, so he might want to avoid the topic.

It seems to me like you might have some communication problems. Try to be open with each other. Talk to him about how you feel but try not to blame him.

[Hollandia]

My SO used to be similar at times when we were apart. He and I talked about it when I confronted him on it in person and he said it was for two reasons. One, when I was always depressed, it would depress him and Two, If there was nothing to be done about it, then why dwell on it?

This loss for closing the distance right now is also not something that just happened to you right? He wants to close the distance too, so this was a hit for both of you. You want to cry on each others shoulder's and he wants to keep his chin up and push forward. This is how my SO was too. When I was in person and the hits came however; he was there with a hug and a "I'm sorry baby" but he still did not want to dwell on it. He said negativity begats negativity and so we needed to remain as positive as we could and yes I hated it when he used to say "we'll find a way".

Is this closing the distance as important to him? I know in the beginning, I don't think it was for my SO when it first became so for me. As it became more and more important to him he would be more open to talking productively about finding ways to find another solution but he still hated it when I dwelled on how much I missed him or how sad I was and how hard it would be overcome yet another obstacle. He could have had plans to go out with friends before and plans on calling you later, my suggestion is don't wait by the phone or computer, just push forward. I would not be happy about that I must agree, but yes, that to me is somewhat of a woman thing. If I was upset and he was not around, I would make sure I would go out and try to take my mind off it. Did he give you a time when he was going to talk to you later?

If you feel he continues to do this, then talk to him about it. Tell him basically what you told us and then take it from there. This is your partner, tell him what you are thinking.

[Lost confused]

Even if he isn't good at comforting, shouldn't he at least try? Especially when he expects me to talk out his problems with him. I haven't spoken to him about feeling unsupported because I wasn't sure if it was me getting carried away. He has always refused to move, he claims he can't with his work, even though he cold get work here easily. He wants to close the distance, he mentions it everyday and asks when I'll find out if I can move. He always seems to play down things that happen to me like today but if it's him, then we have to talk and I have to help him solve his problem ASAP so he can get settled and back on track. I'm worried if he's like this now and I move for him when I have a problem this will happen again getting brushed off and the whole thing will fall apart. The fact he went out with his mates doesn't bother me, I know we need lives apart, but he knew I was upset and bailed on me after saying we'd chat. He hasn't even bothered to tell me he's out, a quick 5 sec text if his mate needed him or something would've been a help. But nothing. I just feel like I'm not his number 1 priority but he's expecting me to make him mine.

[Lost confused]

My SO used to be similar at times when we were apart. He and I talked about it when I confronted him on it in person and he said it was for two reasons. One, when I was always depressed, it would depress him and Two, If there was nothing to be done about it, then why dwell on it?

This loss for closing the distance right now is also not something that just happened to you right? He wants to close the distance too, so this was a hit for both of you. You want to cry on each others shoulder's and he wants to keep his chin up and push forward. This is how my SO was too. When I was in person and the hits came however; he was there with a hug and a "I'm sorry baby" but he still did not want to dwell on it. He said negativity begats negativity and so we needed to remain as positive as we could and yes I hated it when he used to say "we'll find a way".

Is this closing the distance as important to him? I know in the beginning, I don't think it was for my SO when it first became so for me. As it became more and more important to him he would be more open to talking productively about finding ways to find another solution but he still hated it when I dwelled on how much I missed him or how sad I was and how hard it would be overcome yet another obstacle. He could have had plans to go out with friends before and plans on calling you later, my suggestion is don't wait by the phone or computer, just push forward. I would not be happy about that I must agree, but yes, that to me is somewhat of a woman thing. If I was upset and he was not around, I would make sure I would go out and try to take my mind off it. Did he give you a time when he was going to talk to you later?

If you feel he continues to do this, then talk to him about it. Tell him basically what you told us and then take it from there. This is your partner, tell him what you are thinking.

Thanks I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one it's happened to.
I'm just so put off and hurt ATM. Maybe he doesn't want to close the distance as much say me and is just saying that because he thinks it's what I want to hear idk.
Maybe I should suggest we stay where we are at the moment and keep the LDR going.

[ronjaandbirk]

Maybe his brushing it off is his way of trying to help. Maybe he wants to avoid the negativity, just as Hollandia suggested. You definatly have to talk to him about how you feel, especially that you feel like there is an unbalance in priorities between you two.
I often feel like this too but over time I learned that I and my SO just have a very different way of dealing with these things. Communication is key in every relationship but even more so in an LDR where its pretty much all you can go on. Its good to ask yourself if you are overreacting or not, but he has a right to know you feel this way. Otherwise he will of course think everything is fine and then how can things change? He might know you very well but he can't read your mind.

He has always refused to move, he claims he can't with his work, even though he cold get work here easily.

I think this is a bit worrying and you should talk about that too. Not so much because I think it should always be both willing to move, more because it seems like you are building up resentment against him that he doesn't want to quit his job for you. I don't know how your job situation is, but just because there is other work easily available it doesnt mean you can easily quit the one you got. Maybe its his absolute dream job, or he has career chances or a wonderful work atmosphere that isn't so easy to replicate in another place.

I still think you absolutely have to improve your communication.
I am sorry you have to go through feeling this way, I know it's awful. I have huge abandonment issues so I feel unimportant, second rate and like I don't matter to my boyfriend all the freaking time, and it is really hurtful. I never want to tell him aswell, because I either don't want to annoy him or in my paranoia think "I shouldnt have to say this." But everytime I overcome that and do say something it ends up being a good talk and we can progress in our relationship. They are not mind readers, and you should give him a chance to put your mind at ease.

[Moon]

Even if he isn't good at comforting, shouldn't he at least try? Especially when he expects me to talk out his problems with him. I haven't spoken to him about feeling unsupported because I wasn't sure if it was me getting carried away. He has always refused to move, he claims he can't with his work, even though he cold get work here easily. He wants to close the distance, he mentions it everyday and asks when I'll find out if I can move. He always seems to play down things that happen to me like today but if it's him, then we have to talk and I have to help him solve his problem ASAP so he can get settled and back on track. I'm worried if he's like this now and I move for him when I have a problem this will happen again getting brushed off and the whole thing will fall apart. The fact he went out with his mates doesn't bother me, I know we need lives apart, but he knew I was upset and bailed on me after saying we'd chat. He hasn't even bothered to tell me he's out, a quick 5 sec text if his mate needed him or something would've been a help. But nothing. I just feel like I'm not his number 1 priority but he's expecting me to make him mine.

As someone who's terrible at comfort, and knows it, it's just not that easy. Also, comparing his friend needing help with something, and him comforting you isn't really a fair comparison, for me, I'd much rather have someone ask me for help with a ride somewhere, cooking something for a bake sale, moving, etc. than to look to me for comfort. I can do the other stuff, but the comforting is going to turn out badly, and with me feeling super anxious.

It's just something some of us aren't good at, we'll help you in any way we can, but please don't get emotional, we get really uncomfortable If you came to me with that issue of closing the distance, I wouldn't even realize you wanted comfort, I'd just try to fix it somehow, as that's what's in my nature to do, I can't help it, I'm just wired that way. Even if you said "I want comfort!" I'd be completely clueless, and it would get awkward quickly. I don't expect you to fully understand those of us who are bad at this, especially if it's something that comes naturally to you, but you may have to realize he'll never be very good at it. Realize that it really is as foreign and weird feeling to him as being dropped off on Mars And that's not much of an exaggeration. Sure, he can put more effort in if you ask him to, but it'll never be something he'll just do, or do very well. Hope you're feeling better.

[Hollandia]

I would aks him point blank if he wants to really close the distance. I know you might be afraid to hear the wrong answer but really whether you hear it or not, it would still be true and three years I think you have a right to know that. I always think both partners should be equally working together to close the distance if that is what they both want. In my case, I did push for an answer a year ago once and for all and that is when our balls started to really roll. I could not handle not knowing and if you can't either after this long, you should just ask.

[Petals]

Hi,

Express your needs to him clearly in a non-confrontational manner. Don't do it now, because you are overly emotional. Sometimes people simply have difficulty dealing with crisis. My SO relies a lot on me for comfort, because his job is very stressful and he feels he has to keep everyone else afloat. I am very supportive, but my SO tends to get very quiet when I have an issue with work or whatever. He is not dismissive, but not as vocal as I'd like. He will also check in with me later, to find out if I am feeling better.

I spoke to him about what I feel is his lack of support. I told him what would make me feel better and what I expect from him when I am freaking out about something. He has since been more supportive.

Be vocal about your needs and maybe he will improve in his area. ((hugs))

[differentcountries]

He sounds a bit like SO... Whenever I complain about the distance, the uncertainty of the future or anything similar, he just goes "All this too shall pass". Which I guess is his way of saying something along the lines of he feels my pain, but nothing will come from sharing too much right know, he just wants me to know he is on board with us and he is comfidant we can solve this problem later.

Sometimes if I have a material problem, like there is lots to do at work, or something got lost, or I am sick, he is very emotionally supportive. I gues this is easier for him because there problems are smaller and more likely to go away/be solved soon, and also he does not take part in them, wheras the distance is basically....him being far away.

Sometimes I am like no, you have to listen to me now. It is not always wise to be happy despite adversery, we can grieve and kick and scream, too. Sometimes it makes him understand me more (after I explained something about myself), sometimes it makes it easier for him to open up as well. If it is importanat to you, let him know in a nice way.

3 years is a stretch of time. Perhaps you should have a real discussion about what the future brings - when you are both calm and settled - but also your routines around Facebook/skype/calls and staying in touch.

[the_wanderer]

I think feelings are always valid because that's how you feel, but I don't think in relationships you should take a stance of either you are right or he's right. Life is more complicated than that.

If you need more from him, then say so. Don't expect him to read your mind or act in a way that you act. Tell him that you are upset and want to talk things out, that you need comfort, and that you really just need him to be there for you.

And yes, some people are just bad at comfort and talking to them about it will do no good, but you don't know if your SO is that person or not because you haven't said anything to him about it yet. My BFF is terrible at comforting people and that's something I know and accept about her. My SO isn't the best either because he's just one of those keep all my emotions inside guys, but he's gotten better with time and with me speaking up about my needs.