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    #1

    Moving on from past hurts! ADVICE???

    Hey –

    So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now but our biggest issue has been communication. He doesn’t see the importance of it as much as I do. When I say communication, I’m talking about phone calls and text messages between the times we see each other.

    In the past, while he was at school, it was VERY HARD for me. He didn’t respond most of the time and rarely answered – occasionally calling back when I did call him. This difficulty has seeped into our current situation.

    He’s done with school and things have gotten a little better. He calls now at night and responds to texts a little more often (still not what I’d like but I have to be flexible).

    The thing is, when I don’t hear from him, or he doesn’t answer when its our ‘scheduled’ time to talk at night, I’ll sometimes text his mom to see if he’s busy working or if he went to bed already.

    He doesn’t like this and gets upset when it happens – which I get and I’m not proud of it. I think I haven’t fully gotten over all the hurt that happened in the past while he was at school and things were bad.

    I don’t know how to overcome this feeling of anxiety when I don’t hear from him or the urge to find out what’s going on. Any help? Advice? I want to start fresh in a way – and not revert back to how things used to be when I don’t hear from him because that causes a lot of anxiety and leads to me trying to control something I can’t.
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    #2
    You should not be texting his mother, that is wrong. If he blows you off from time to time, it is most likely because he feels like texting is an obligation and not something he is doing because he wants to. I think you should take a breather. Go out with your friends and stop waiting by the phone. If you push him to communicate as a chore, you are sapping the life out of it and making him resent you for it. I would also bet he is still quite tweaked about your texting his mom, it is a somewhat embarrassing situation to put him in, as in, you check with his mommy when he does not do what he is supposed to do? My SO would have walked if I did that. It is also an unfair situation to put her in, so you need to stop immediately. This could be your future mother in law and you are putting her in the middle of stuff you don't want her in. Trust me on this, I have had a few mother in laws.

    I told my SO one time when he was feeling a bit smothered, that I would be around and I would not contact him till he did me. He did a few days later and told me he appreciated that I understood he just wanted a bit a space for a few days. He skyped me everyday since then and that was a few years ago. It sounds like something like that might help you, I was open about it with him and so it was no mind game and it allowed him to really miss me and after that he wanted that communication more.

    I think you should talk to your SO about how he feels and then take it from there.
    Last edited by Hollandia; September 18, 2014, 08:37 AM.
    "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
    Benjamin Franklin

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      #3
      Yes, you have to let go of contacting his mum over this. Especially if you usually talk to him every day, it is a bit dramatic to do the "oh but I had to check you were not dead"-call.

      Perhaps you can make a deal with him. Like, he has to let you know why he is not there when you have your daily talk. Or, how about you using phone apps, Skype and such to stay in touch?

      Sometimes I feel ancious (like after one of my visits where I did not hear from him in almost 2 days), but I make deals with myself and do self-talk to calm myself down. Or I talk to him about it when I get hold of him, trying to build a bridge between us.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
        Yes, you have to let go of contacting his mum over this. Especially if you usually talk to him every day, it is a bit dramatic to do the "oh but I had to check you were not dead"-call.

        Perhaps you can make a deal with him. Like, he has to let you know why he is not there when you have your daily talk. Or, how about you using phone apps, Skype and such to stay in touch?

        Sometimes I feel ancious (like after one of my visits where I did not hear from him in almost 2 days), but I make deals with myself and do self-talk to calm myself down. Or I talk to him about it when I get hold of him, trying to build a bridge between us.
        Yes, and no SO should ever HAVE to contact the other everyday, they should want to. If they don't, then really it is not helping the relationship and making it more one sided.
        "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
        Benjamin Franklin

        Comment

          #5
          Originally posted by Hollandia View Post
          Yes, and no SO should ever HAVE to contact the other everyday, they should want to. If they don't, then really it is not helping the relationship and making it more one sided.
          Yes, it should not be like just another chore you have to perform. But he too should take responsability to make good deals. In high season, SO told me "please don't text me much because I might not have the time to answer". While it is not comfortable not staying in touch, at least I would know why and also not go "I hope he answers this one".
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

          Comment

            #6
            Hello.

            I see a lot of myself in what you wrote. It resembles problems I've run in to myself and it can turn into quite a nasty situation if just left unchecked.

            I also hope you didn't so far take offense or feel attacked by the other posters by the way. Individualism and freedom is valued very highly on this board, something to keep in mind.

            It's difficult when the other doesn't share your own need to communicate. It sucks honestly. Especially when you're unable to let your mind wander and enter irrational thoughts like starting to believe he doesn't love you anymore or as much. It also sucks because it's involuntary bother and worry that builds up. I can completely understand you contacting his mother to ease this worry. Not saying it's right of you, but you already know that.

            So how to deal with it? the only thing you can do is find something really enjoyable to do to keep your mind occupied. the second thing is to breathe out and trust in his love and that everything is fine. If you have to, write down all logical reasons for why he couldn't and trust in them. Finally you could cut back on your contribution and see if he picks up the slack. Could be he's just so used and comfortable in that you'll always call, text or something. though be very careful with that approach, very careful.

            Good luck!

            Comment

              #7
              It's not meant to be an attack, it's advice. Unless you want to the wife that used to nag her son all the time, I would never call my SO's mom. Even if they don't tell you it is bothering them, it most likely is. The mom will tell the dad about it, if there is one, and soon it will be all around the family. On top of everything else the OP already said she knew it was wrong but keeps doing it. I am highly advising her to stop now, she can do as she wishes. As I said, I have had a few mother in laws, and no matter how much they grow to love you, they love their son more.
              "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
              Benjamin Franklin

              Comment

                #8
                Thank you all so far. Although I must take some of this with a grain of salt - I appreciate the advice given so far and am open to more I apologized to him and his mom for bringing her into it - she says she understands because he is like this with her too (I think she's just used to it). I'm trying not to beat myself up over it since I can't take it back - it's definitely embarrassing for me too to even admit that I did that. I am just hoping to make it right so I plan to open the dialogue with my SO about how he feels and what he thinks of our communication right now - if it's a chore or whatever the case may be. Then, I'm just going to try to keep myself busy and not focus on it. Easier said than done but I must do it.

                Anyone else understand how I felt or have more advice?

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by ncm5026 View Post
                  Thank you all so far. Although I must take some of this with a grain of salt - I appreciate the advice given so far and am open to more I apologized to him and his mom for bringing her into it - she says she understands because he is like this with her too (I think she's just used to it). I'm trying not to beat myself up over it since I can't take it back - it's definitely embarrassing for me too to even admit that I did that. I am just hoping to make it right so I plan to open the dialogue with my SO about how he feels and what he thinks of our communication right now - if it's a chore or whatever the case may be. Then, I'm just going to try to keep myself busy and not focus on it. Easier said than done but I must do it.

                  Anyone else understand how I felt or have more advice?
                  It sounds like you have the right idea. Have the conversation, be non-accusatory. And when you talk to him about it, also really listen to his side. This is the kind of conversation where you're going into it knowing you have an issue and what you want to fix, and you're going to tell your side, but remember to actually stop and think about his side. Don't rush through his part to get to a resolution you've already thought up.. actually work together on what will make sense for both of you, that you can both be comfortable with.


                  My only other advice is definitely let it go with the mom now. Sometimes when people are still feeling embarrassed or beating themselves up, they start to make extra apologies or jokes about it. Don't!
                  Don't apologize again or self-deprecate with her by being like "I can't believe I did that! So unnecessary of me, thanks for understanding" or whatever. Actually let it go. You apologized, she accepted, leave it. She sounds really understanding with saying he does it to her, too, so she's clearly okay with you and willing to move past it. So don't remind her of it, etc. Talk to her as you normally would (or wouldn't) going forward.

                  And yes, stay busy! Friends, hobbies, you-time. Those things help keep you an interesting person and make you happy outside of the relationship, which conveniently helps keep interest and happiness going in it as well. Win-win.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by silvermoonfairy3 View Post
                    My only other advice is definitely let it go with the mom now. Sometimes when people are still feeling embarrassed or beating themselves up, they start to make extra apologies or jokes about it. Don't!
                    Don't apologize again or self-deprecate with her by being like "I can't believe I did that! So unnecessary of me, thanks for understanding" or whatever. Actually let it go. You apologized, she accepted, leave it. She sounds really understanding with saying he does it to her, too, so she's clearly okay with you and willing to move past it. So don't remind her of it, etc. Talk to her as you normally would (or wouldn't) going forward.
                    Yes, please don't keep reminding her. My SO would keep reminding me of stuff and it was like omfg. I've done it to him though, but not as much. Get on past it. Keep on trucking.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      My SO and me have made a deal about this. We've been through something like this and made a deal that before or during a busy time we let each other know we won't be able to text as much. I'd just let him know that I'm with friends and want to spend quality time with them too. He does it the other way around too. It took a conversation and a little asking-for but it helps so much. It keeps your mind from going to bad places!!
                      Tell him it bothers you and ask him to at least let you know up front so you're not checking your phone a million times while waiting for his reply.
                      Good luck

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