LDR cheated when drunk

[OperaDiva]

I think you should ask yourself, can you trust him again? If you can, even if it takes time, then maybe you should give it a shot. I wouldn't, and I can't be in a relationship without trust.

PS, this might be a bit rant-y, but I never really understood using "I got really drunk" as an excuse for cheating. If you know you are reaching past the point where you can control yourself (and you are in the company of people that show interest) then just exercise some self-control and stop. It is not rocket science and it doesn't take much, especially if you are not a teenager. He should be asking himself why he didn't make that choice.

[Gingerlyme]

hi sweetie,

i'm so sorry this happened to you. i speak from a stand point of someone who went through almost the same thing.
My S/O met someone and they started talking/acting like they were dating way before he broke up with me. he broke up with me (I flew to see him) and started sleeping with her less than a week after i left. So in my case, it wasn't just sex, it was emotional cheating which is just as bad or worse.

somehow, we both managed to work things out. I still have REALLY bad days where i go into panic/depress mode when i think about how he could betray me and hurt me that way. There is NO one who could tell you to forgive or to move on. You have to decide for yourself if you want to try again and if the man deserves a second chance (only if this is his first time cheating EVER in his life). The one factor that helped was if he was truly remorseful and willing to do what it takes for you to trust him again. If you do decide to move forward and give it a 2nd chance, take it slow, don't go back to him immediately, take up "getting to know him/dating" with him again. If he truly loves you and is in it for happily ever after, he will wait for as long as it takes

my S/O flew to see me, to spend time with me and explained everything with me in a friendly way. we were friends during the visit and while it hurt to see him, it brought a lot of perspective. we remained friends even after he left but continued talking and it took months before we started dating again. i agree with Different countries that seeing him is vital. Make that happen soon, get him to fly you out and talk things over in person, especially if this is someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

i hope you get through this. i got through it despite it taking months and expect lots of random dark moments but if you both truly are meant for one another, you will find a way.

[butterfly712]

I agree with red heart,trust is the key to any relationship,espically in a LDR,if you don't have trust in the relationship,then you don't have anything,trust and communication.

[differentcountries]

I hope everything seems clearer to you when you visit.

[BlueCat]

If you know you are reaching past the point where you can control yourself (and you are in the company of people that show interest) then just exercise some self-control and stop. It is not rocket science and it doesn't take much, especially if you are not a teenager. He should be asking himself why he didn't make that choice.

No, it's not rocket science, but speaking from experience, it's harder than you would think.

[RachelS]

No, it's not rocket science, but speaking from experience, it's harder than you would think.

I understand were only human and can make mistakes, I would never put myself in that position so can't understand how he could. But I know in my heart I could forgive but don't know if I could stay and forget. that I'll know when we meet. thank you for all the advise. It's down to him to save this and himself. I don't feel so alone hearing others who have gone through it as I know no one in a long distance and not many of my friends or family approved of it in the first place, let alone able to understand my position
Today is a slightly better day, I'm not such a bumbling mess
Thank you for all the good, bad and ugly on this

[Moon]

Also something to think about is, let's say you decide to forgive, right? Will you be worried and anxiety-ridden every time he's late for a chat, or tells you he's going out somewhere? If you think you will, to me, that's not worth it. His stupid, idiotic, hormonal action shouldn't have to affect you long-term and put you in a state of distress for a long time to come.

If you really think you can 100% trust him again, and you won't have to put yourself through that kind of worry, then maybe a second chance could work. but you shouldn't be the one to pay for his mistake.

[whatruckus]

Also something to think about is, let's say you decide to forgive, right? Will you be worried and anxiety-ridden every time he's late for a chat, or tells you he's going out somewhere? If you think you will, to me, that's not worth it. His stupid, idiotic, hormonal action shouldn't have to affect you long-term and put you in a state of distress for a long time to come.

If you really think you can 100% trust him again, and you won't have to put yourself through that kind of worry, then maybe a second chance could work. but you shouldn't be the one to pay for his mistake.

This, this, this. My SO has been extremely drunk many times since we've been dating, both when we see each other and when we're apart. He's never cheated. Even when he's drunk, he knows enough to not think with his, you-know-what.

[RachelS]

He's been very drunk many times and not lost control. This time I was away with work and unable to get a regular internet connection so when he needed me I had no signal.
It's such a battle going on in my head and appreciate everyone's comments and up until a few weeks ago my opinions would of been the same. speaking to him more soon to hear what he has to say.
I'm finding it hard not to blame myself I wasn't there for him. It's not my fault I know but I keep beating myself up about it
I just want answers and I want them all now. But I'm waiting for him to get in touch

[silvermoonfairy3]

He's been very drunk many times and not lost control. This time I was away with work and unable to get a regular internet connection so when he needed me I had no signal.

When he needed you for what?
This sounds like you making an excuse for him. Like if he can't get in touch with you, ah well, guess cheating's gonna happen.

I'm finding it hard not to blame myself I wasn't there for him. It's not my fault I know but I keep beating myself up about it
I just want answers and I want them all now. But I'm waiting for him to get in touch

I understand it's hard to control how you're feeling, but it's definitely not your fault. You not "being there" for him (again, through what? A night of drinking? Or was there something more serious going on?) doesn't give him the go-ahead to cheat.

[Moon]

He's been very drunk many times and not lost control. This time I was away with work and unable to get a regular internet connection so when he needed me I had no signal.
It's such a battle going on in my head and appreciate everyone's comments and up until a few weeks ago my opinions would of been the same. speaking to him more soon to hear what he has to say.
I'm finding it hard not to blame myself I wasn't there for him. It's not my fault I know but I keep beating myself up about it
I just want answers and I want them all now. But I'm waiting for him to get in touch

Jesus, you aren't really putting the blame for this on yourself, are you? Please don't do that Listen, there are going to be many, many times in life where you cannot be there for someone the moment they need it. Whether that's your sibling, your best friend, your mom, or your SO, that's how life works. The fact that you couldn't get a connection the very second he "needed" you is no reason to go out and fuck someone else, period. Do not look for answers by making yourself take the blame. Unless he was absolutely, in the moment suicidal, he can wait until the next day, nobody ever "needs" that much unless there's an extreme crisis scenario. Do whatever you feel is best in your relationship, but do not ever take the blame or responsibility for someone else's actions. I am really sorry about all this, and I hope you can take some consolation in the fact that there was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

[OperaDiva]

He's been very drunk many times and not lost control. This time I was away with work and unable to get a regular internet connection so when he needed me I had no signal.
It's such a battle going on in my head and appreciate everyone's comments and up until a few weeks ago my opinions would of been the same. speaking to him more soon to hear what he has to say.
I'm finding it hard not to blame myself I wasn't there for him. It's not my fault I know but I keep beating myself up about it
I just want answers and I want them all now. But I'm waiting for him to get in touch

His self-control, or lack thereof, his choices and his decisions are his responsibility and his only! He didn't consider the consequences of his actions, he put himself in that situation and he ended up hurting you. That is on him 100%.

[whatruckus]

I completely agree with Moon and silvermoon. Stop making excuses for his behaviour. Plain and simple. Whether you were "available" to him, or not, shouldn't matter. Do you know how many times I haven't been "available" to my SO to talk? Even when he's drunk? He still doesn't go out and cheat on me. The fact of the matter is, your SO cheated. That's it. End of story. Stop trying to rationalize his behaviour. There is NO excuse for it. Missing you, being drunk, whatever. No. No excuse. No reason. He was an a-hole. Flat out.

What matters now is if you're going to be able to forgive him, or trust him again. In my opinion, if this were me, the relationship would be over. I have an extremely strict policy on cheating, especially after being so naive when I was with my ex. Once that trust is gone, it's gone. Moon made a really good point before, that I quoted, about the panic and anxiety. That's what happened to me with my ex. It never went away.

Even my SO knows that if he ever cheated on me, we're done and that's that. I wouldn't have any contact with him again either.

Him cheating on you is not your fault. It was his fault. His actions, his thought process. You have done nothing wrong.

[Hollandia]

God golly!You are blaming yourself? Stop!!

Have you ever been drunk and around a hot guy? Yes? Did you cheat? No? Then there is no excuse for his doing it. The rest is bullcrap. Yeah, it's hard, welcome to a LDR. We could all cheat quite easily, but guess what? We don't. He did. It is all his fault.

Getting past something like this will never be easy either. You might think so now because the pain of losing him is so much worse, but if you take him back be ready for what Moon said. Every time he is late, you could have doubts, every time he is going out, you could have mental pictures running through your head. At some point too, expect him to get fed up with your wanting reassurances and not trusting him and just expecting you to forgive and forget, but you can't forget. This is why so many couples that cheat eventually break up. You might be one of the exceptions like Blue but you also might just be signing up for a very long painful ride. You need to figure out which way you think this might turn out.

If you do take him back. There should be guidelines for both of you, and his saying "I will never get drunk again" is bullcrap. He won't for a few months and then it will happen again. Unless he is an alcoholic, he should not have to promise not to drink again, just not to frak around again. If you make him quit drinking because he cheated on you one time when drunk, which is no excuse, then he will possibly start to resent you for that too. If he just promises not to get "drunk' again, well, if there is magic number of drinks he is allowed and are you really going to become his booze patrol on top of everything else?

He just needs to not put himself in a place where cheating would every happen and even if 10 hot babes offer to gang bang with him while high on a bottle of tequila, he needs to know that would be the end. Forever. Make that point clear to him and stop blaming yourself. Grown ups can handle when someone is not around without frakin a hot bod for hours. We watch porn and we take care "of our own" needs when needed. You do what you need to do, you just never never never cheat.

So again,.....his fault completely, not yours at all, in any way shape or form imaginable.

[RachelS]

I no longer blame myself, he confessed to cheating on me on a separate occasion months ago with my one true friend out there or so I thought. the point he started to feel depressed when I so desperately tried to be a good girlfriend and help him through a dark phase. He doest need saving he can save himself
I'm still talking to him and will make my decision when I see the supposed man of my dreams

The moment he fessed up on it all a weight on my mind was lifted...I have done nothing wrong these past months