Frustration justified?

[lordpsymon]

It's something that's bothering me a bit.
When my girlfriend and I are Skyping, a lot of the time it's lovely, but often there are times when we Skype when she spends what feels like the entire call checking her Facebook or something. She just sits there reading her news feed and when I try to talk to her for the most part she doesn't seem to be listening. For example, I'll say something, then maybe ask her a question and she'll respond with a comment on whatever she is looking at, or she'll completely ignore me.
It's starting to frustrate/upset me. I'm getting tired of having to repeat myself because she doesn't hear me. I've tried to bring it up with her, but she'd either insist that she is listening (when it is clear that she isn't) or in a more recent case, she'd get angry. I just want her to try and see where I am coming from. I want to discuss it like adults and try and reach an understanding so that neither of us feel a resentment.
I dunno. I'm just a bit upset and I kinda needed to vent.
Am I justified in being a bit upset?

[VeraRyan]

I think you are. It takes a lot to have a LDR. And both parties have to want it just as much.
Time on skype w my SO is so special that I couldnt think of just looking at my phone the whole time.
Its disrespectful I think and the fact that she either lies or gets angry with you means she doesnt take your feelings serious.
Thats a problem if you ask me.
I would keep bringing it up until you can have an adult conversation about it.
If I were you I couldnt be in a relationship with someone who doesnt respect or understands me.
Good luck!

[lordpsymon]

It's hard to bring up. I know she loves me, and those moments where she isn't ignoring me to spend her time on Facebook, she makes it so damn obvious how much she does. I don't want to piss her off. We're so close to closing the gap now that I don't want to mess it up. I just wish she wouldn't do that to me. I don't get how she can't see where I am coming from. I don't go on Skype just to watch her read her Facebook news feed. It hurts.

[Mims27]

I would bring it up and tell her that it makes you not enjoy your calls. Skype, should be time spent together, so if you feel like that's not the case then you should tell her. She should be understanding. My SO would always fall asleep and it drove/drives me crazy. So I told her and she makes more of an effort. Not always but she trues. lol What if you do something ''together'' on skype? Like watch a movie. Maybe if you are doing that she wont be so enclined to look at her FB and you will be spending time together.

[lordpsymon]

What if you do something ''together'' on skype? Like watch a movie.

I tried that tonight... I asked her to do something with me and she said "well I'm on skype with you! I stayed up but I could be asleep right now!" and went back to Facebook. *sigh*

[differentcountries]

How long are your skype calls? When me and SO were doing 2-3 hours skype sessions we both did other things in between as well, but now that we have much less time we don't do anything else while being on skype.

Another thing, how often do you skype? For us, sometimes every day has been a bit too often, we find it is refreshing to have a day or two off Skype and then really enjoy our time together there.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I was also going to ask about the length and frequency of the calls.
If they're regular and/or long calls, it could just be that she doesn't see them as "needing" to be focused-time. I've run into the same thing, my SO is an online multi-tasker. It used to bug me, we had a couple disagreements about it, etc.

At one point I explained to him that I was treating our Skype time as basically a date, and wanted his attention in the way I would get it if we were together in person. (Like, if we were hanging out, he wouldn't be on his phone the whole time.) He understood, and we also realized that we were doing too much Skype for *all* of it to be focused time. So he agreed to cut down at least a little bit on multi-tasking while we were on Skype, or letting me know if there was something he needed to do, and I agreed that I'd be a little more flexible about him doing several things at once.
Part of that was that we decided if I needed him to devote more attention to a specific part of the conversation, I'd tell him and he'd stop what he was doing and concentrate on it, but that I would also not abuse that/accept that sometimes our time on Skype was just to spend time together and wasn't conversation-heavy in a way that he needed to pay 100% attention.

We also worked out that we'd specifically pick some Skype times to be "date night" in advance, and those would be understood to be times when we're focus on each other and whatever our "date night" thing would be. (Whether it was long conversation, cooking something together, watching a movie at the same time, etc.)

Having a particular Skype date night and knowing it would be us-time and him really focusing on me was a great solution for us, and I found that I was fine with the multi-tasking on Skype the rest of the time, and that I was doing some of it myself.
It worked for me to know what I was in for, that these nights might be us doing things in sight of each other on Skype/chatting a bit, but not total-focus, and those nights would be date-y and focused. Maybe something like that would work?

I think it's just about finding a compromise that works for your particular partnership.
Good luck!

[Hollandia]

My SO would come home take a shower and skype me after work or school. He would go about his life while being connected to me for the rest of his day. I used to get a bit perturbed when he dissapeared for 15 minutes at tme or never repsonded to a comment I made, and then we talked about it. He said, he wanted to be on skype to have me near but that did not stop his need or desire to do other things. There were times we talked non stop for hours and times we just went about living our lives while connected to each other.

Would you rather she did her facebook alone and then skyped you? She does have a right to do it, so can you be okay that she wants to have you online with her while she is doing it? You should probably discuss it and say that maybe she needs a half hour of FB time and a then she and you could watch a tv show or movie together or do something else planned. You might prefer she does do her own thing first and then skype. My SO used to game while skypeing alot. It drove me nuts, but he gave me a choice, do you want me to pay my bills, answer my mail and game and then skype or are you okay with me doing that stuff with you and then us doing stuff more "together".

If you were CD, do you talk the entire time? Do you ever sit on the couch next to each other and surf the web or play a game or watch a tv show while the other is also doing there own thing? We do. All the time. I love him and we are CD now and I need that time to do my own thing but I also love he is right there on the "couch" same as he was on the "skype" even when we were not speaking....there if you need them. We made a rule that if either needed more than 10 minutes to respond to say "brb" and it solved all of our frustrations. When he explained it, it really was sorta sweet. He said he just wanted me 'there" even if we were not engaged in an active conversation.

[lilspitfire]

I kind of almost want to be mean and say do it back to her, but then how does that accomplish anything? My SO does it when we're on the phone, but not just Facebook but TV. I want to throttle him. I'm staying up late to talk to you and you're watching TV. The TV that doesn't go anywhere. It stays there. I hate being treated like that. I think it's kind of rude. I don't do it to him, why does he need to do it to me? I say communicate.

[Hollandia]

I kind of almost want to be mean and say do it back to her, but then how does that accomplish anything? My SO does it when we're on the phone, but not just Facebook but TV. I want to throttle him. I'm staying up late to talk to you and you're watching TV. The TV that doesn't go anywhere. It stays there. I hate being treated like that. I think it's kind of rude. I don't do it to him, why does he need to do it to me? I say communicate.

Do you think that he should not watch TV? Would you rather he watch it for a few hours later? Are these his favorite shows he is watching? It is hard and it sucks but it comes with the joy of ldr with time differences. I would put on my own stuff when my SO would game. I knew that in a half hour or so so we planned our show to watch or whatnot and I got used to being with him even when doing my own thing. If you are that tweaked by it, I would suggest a compromise.

My SO told me, I really want to see/do this other thing but I love having you with me, is this okay? Once he explained it and we still had some more one on one later, I was happy, and so was he. This type of stuff will rear it's head in long term ldrs. You have to allow for ways to be together but still both be able to live day to day lives. The only option aside is to have less time on Skype and have them with you only while dedicated to the conversation.

[lordpsymon]

Hey guys, I appreciate the responses. I'll make some time to mull over them with more focus when I get to uni but I'm currently about to rush out the door and I'll drop my thoughts as well.

[butterfly712]

I would just try to tell her how you feel about her checking her facebook while you and her are skyping,I know her precious it is to spend with your so,and every single moment of it counts.

[lilspitfire]

Do you think that he should not watch TV? Would you rather he watch it for a few hours later? Are these his favorite shows he is watching? It is hard and it sucks but it comes with the joy of ldr with time differences. I would put on my own stuff when my SO would game. I knew that in a half hour or so so we planned our show to watch or whatnot and I got used to being with him even when doing my own thing. If you are that tweaked by it, I would suggest a compromise.

My SO told me, I really want to see/do this other thing but I love having you with me, is this okay? Once he explained it and we still had some more one on one later, I was happy, and so was he. This type of stuff will rear it's head in long term ldrs. You have to allow for ways to be together but still both be able to live day to day lives. The only option aside is to have less time on Skype and have them with you only while dedicated to the conversation.

I think he should pause it while we're on the phone. We're only on the phone 30 minutes. It's a DVD so he can just start it up again. Plus he's seen it 3 times already so it's not like he doesn't know what's happening or will happen. Of course it's worse when it's our days off, but he has his time prior and it just seems to continue into our time. And then I have to keep repeating what I say or just forget trying to talk.

[Redheart14]

I don't want to piss her off. We're so close to closing the gap now that I don't want to mess it up.

I can understand feeling nervous with that. It's so close. To being with each other you don't want to do anything to mess that up! Facebook, ugh it causes so many issues....it can be such an inconvenience sometimes. As for advice- I started using the "I statements" when talking to my SO about things that worried me that I wanted to talk about but not necessarily wanting to cause a big fight about. I find they work really effectively and don't point the finger as such. I got that strategy off here (thanks LFAD peeps). Maybe you could try that? Good luck, hope it goes well.

[lordpsymon]

I started using the "I statements" when talking to my SO about things that worried me that I wanted to talk about but not necessarily wanting to cause a big fight about. I find they work really effectively and don't point the finger as such. I got that strategy off here (thanks LFAD peeps). Maybe you could try that? Good luck, hope it goes well

So like, "I feel like..." vs "you are"? It might be fatigue but I'm only half-getting where you're coming from there, so forgive me. Can you give a couple of examples?