Passive-Aggresive communication

[Gingerlyme]

hey folks,

I don't know about others but i feel like personally i can sometime fall into the stupid passive-aggressive behavior with my s/o WHEN i am unhappy with a situation.

that is especially bad when it comes to communication, and while i am not undermining CD relationships, i feel like LDR suffers so much more from passive-aggressive behaviors.

I understand that communicating openly is key when it comes to me being passive-aggressive but i am hoping for more advice in just how to stop or cope with my stupid behavior when i get annoyed or when i am unhappy.

Are there anyone else in this forum that suffers the same thing occasionally? if yes, what do you do actively to change the behavior?

[differentcountries]

The reason why people get passive agressive is that they think they either can't say anything about it, or all doors should fly open with aggression. If you get a little distance to your own anger - have a look at it, almost fascinated by it - then it is possable to see it as anger, and the situation as problematic, without feeling the need to suck it up/be passive-agressive or be destructive-agressive. Just sit with your anger, talk about it: I feel that I am angry right now, no bad comments or snirky remarks, just OWN your anger. And talk about what is happening in the situation, that you feel angry and make a suggestion to the other person. I am more overtly aggressive/blunt, SO is more passive-agressive, but it works for both of us to talk about our feelings in this fasion. Then anger is just anger, no more no less.

[Moon]

I do that! Not often, but sometimes when I'm feeling bitchy and things aren't going my way, and I'm frustrated. I do it the most when I'm frustrated! Don't worry, I think it happens to most of us on occasion. I can't say I actively try to curb it, but my guy calls me out on it every time, usually with some humor, and makes me laugh. Then I tell him I'm sorry for my bitchy passive-aggressiveness, using those exact words, then we talk about whatever it was that irritated me. I don't think I do it more in my LDR than any CDR, I just know I'm prone to it sometimes, and just being aware of the tendency can help you change it, I think. Recognizing your flaws is the first step in trying to improve them, and can help you back off the behavior as soon as you feel it starting. Although, you might just do it anyway sometimes, even when you're aware of it, it's hard to change perfectly, so try to not be too hard on yourself.

[Gingerlyme]

The reason why people get passive agressive is that they think they either can't say anything about it, or all doors should fly open with aggression. If you get a little distance to your own anger - have a look at it, almost fascinated by it - then it is possable to see it as anger, and the situation as problematic, without feeling the need to suck it up/be passive-agressive or be destructive-agressive. Just sit with your anger, talk about it: I feel that I am angry right now, no bad comments or snirky remarks, just OWN your anger. And talk about what is happening in the situation, that you feel angry and make a suggestion to the other person. I am more overtly aggressive/blunt, SO is more passive-agressive, but it works for both of us to talk about our feelings in this fasion. Then anger is just anger, no more no less.

it has never been to a point of anger, but just heaps of frustration. maybe i am horrible at communicating my wants, usually i just back out of it at the end because S/O isn't very good with dealing with confrontation either.
He shuts down when being confronted, so i learned to just shut up and maybe bring it up another time. my frustrations come and go, when i speak to him, i forget about them so i don't bring it up from before. then after we are done talking, the frustrations come back and its back to square one again.

i think we are both horrible communicators, he has told me before that he is terrible at expressing his feelings and i have the tendency to bury mine.. which leads to the passive-aggressive behavior.

[Gingerlyme]

I do that! Not often, but sometimes when I'm feeling bitchy and things aren't going my way, and I'm frustrated. I do it the most when I'm frustrated! Don't worry, I think it happens to most of us on occasion. I can't say I actively try to curb it, but my guy calls me out on it every time, usually with some humor, and makes me laugh. Then I tell him I'm sorry for my bitchy passive-aggressiveness, using those exact words, then we talk about whatever it was that irritated me. I don't think I do it more in my LDR than any CDR, I just know I'm prone to it sometimes, and just being aware of the tendency can help you change it, I think. Recognizing your flaws is the first step in trying to improve them, and can help you back off the behavior as soon as you feel it starting. Although, you might just do it anyway sometimes, even when you're aware of it, it's hard to change perfectly, so try to not be too hard on yourself.

omg moon you took the words out of my mouth! i do it when i am feeling frustrated. but the s/o does not call out on it ever! i don't think he knows what passive-aggressive is. like i mention to DC, the s/o is also not the best at "talking about it" so i just end up diverting the situation and apologizing later but not knowing what i apologized for when i still feel frustrated to avoid confrontation. and his reply obviously is "its ok, i do what i can". I need to break this chain but i don't know how to start...

[Moon]

omg moon you took the words out of my mouth! i do it when i am feeling frustrated. but the s/o does not call out on it ever! i don't think he knows what passive-aggressive is. like i mention to DC, the s/o is also not the best at "talking about it" so i just end up diverting the situation and apologizing later but not knowing what i apologized for when i still feel frustrated to avoid confrontation. and his reply obviously is "its ok, i do what i can". I need to break this chain but i don't know how to start...

Actually, we're kind of the same way, neither of us are great communicators, it's something we sometimes struggle with. I think because we've got 5+ years under our belts, we are able to recognize and call each other out when one of us is acting stupidly though Starting is the hard part, you have to force yourself to speak up when something is bothering you, which I still hate to do when we're otherwise having a good conversation, because I feel like I'm ruining it. I've found though, if I do it before I'm mad or frustrated, and just say "Hey, this is bugging me..." it's usually resolved in 5 minutes, and we can get on with it. Then I feel like an idiot for all the times I didn't do that. Communication is hard for me, but I think I'm getting better at it, I just wish it didn't feel like so much work!