Am I being a bad person?

[gvitesse]

Hello everyone!

In my previous thread, I mentioned about asking her out and I did. We like each other and we've decided to meet and decide.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm hurting her feelings and I don't know whether it's serious or not. I'll try to explain why..

Sometimes, I get really busy with my daily activities, friends and because of that I've ignored her a few times. I usually tell her "Brb" and I end up being away for couple of hours. She told me she really hates when I do that.
Also, we kind of have "skype dates" once a week and I stood her up twice ( I didn't ignore her or leaving her waiting for me, I kind of postponed it ). I guess it's my fault because I didn't prioritize her. She got really upset and mad and asked me if I did the same with my ex.
Essentially saying, I've ignored her, I stood her up and I've made her wait. I did apologize to her every time I did it but she responds saying "You say that every time".

One more thing,I was screen sharing with her and she saw me chatting with another girl online (she's a friend of mine and I ask her for advice and I never flirt with her or anything). She asked me whether the person I chat online with is a girl or a boy and I told her it's a girl. Now..she thinks I talk to a lot of girls online..she didn't say it directly, but I'm sure she implied in same context.

Am I being bad to her? I just feel bad about it when she gets unhappy because of me or am I over analyzing everything? How do I make her understand I'm not a flirt and that she means a lot to me.

I really like her and she means a lot to me but at times, I've took her for granted.

[ronjaandbirk]

Well look at it that way: If it wasn't long distance, would you have acted the same way? Would you have just postponed a "real" date, where you two would have met somewhere? If it was close distance and you two were in the same room would you too just say "brb" and leave the room only to come back hours later without informing her first?

Just because she isn't physically close to you it doesn't she has no real feelings. She makes time in her life for you just as she would if you were closer. That's a real person behind the screen you know.
Also, if you fail to communicate that you have no time right now nicely that is bad. In an ldr communication is all you got, so don't screw that up.

I think it's pretty shitty behavior and she probably deserves better. At least you realise you've not been great and can change things.

[differentcountries]

People postphone dates in real life too. They give diffuse messages about stuff sometimes too. And yes, if it happens a lot people will be angry real life too. I don't think you are a bad person, but you could make more of an effort. Make sure she knows you care about her now.

[Malaga]

Routine is very important in coping with the distance, I too hate it when something disrupts ours. But if you're having to struggle to spend enough time with her and still have time for your friends and your daily responsibilities, maybe you need to set up a new routine. I see the relationship only started a couple of months ago. People usually spend all of their free time together in the first few months, but that's not possible in the long run.

I don't think you've been doing anything wrong, however, it's very important that you communicate with her openly. If you know you'll be away for a few hours, why don't you just say, "hey I got to go do this thing, it'll be a few hours, I'll talk to you later". There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend some time doing your own thing. Sometimes unpredictable things happen and you end up being away for longer than you expected - well that's life I guess. Same as having to postpone Skype dates. I've had to do it and my SO had to do it and I know how disappointing it is, but c'est la vie. Unless you develop a habit of doing it. But again, if the timing or the frequency of your dates and chats becomes a struggle, you should probably do a revision of your daily/weekly schedule.

As for talking to female friends, unless she said or showed she was upset about it just let it go. You're only just getting to know each other, she will learn what you're really like (if you're open with her). Just don't be secretive about who you talk to. You could tell her more about your online friends, not in a reporting kind of way but so she feels more included in other aspects of your life too. And it would help with clearing up any misunderstandings.

Good luck!

[TaraMarie]

I don't think you are a bad person, but I think you are an inconsiderate boyfriend. And I think YOU think so too, or you wouldn't have asked the question.

[ronjaandbirk]

People postphone dates in real life too.

That is of course true!!
I however found that people are more likely to do these things online, and brush people off easier because they are "not really there" and it's not so visible that they maybe took their time to be there, even maybe cancelled other things. I ofc can't know if this is the case here, but what you certainly don't do is run out on people and tell them to be right back and then leave them there for hours. that's just a pretty rude thing to do, and the kind of disrespect that can be really hurtful to the other person.

That being said I don't think it makes you bad person or that you should be obliged to spend every free moment talking to her. Juts be a bit more considerate Good luck to you both.

PS: also when I wrote that she probably deserves better I didnt necesarily mean a better person just better treatment!

[differentcountries]

I think ballancing any types of lives can be difficult. I found in the beginning, SO was very much bordering cancelling/ignoring all OTHER stuff to see me, even when he was very busy, including skyping with me when he went to visit his family and relatives that he had not seen in almost a year! Because his family he knew already, but me on the other hand... I was gold. I am sure all his friends and family was hoping we would come out of that phase! Next time he saw his folks he was more inclinded to postphone ME and then cancel on me, which of course made me upset. His bit brother had suddenly visited, it was hard to give me a notice a bout it, bla bla. After 2 days of this (we usually skype every night) I simply told him; I have a life of my own to lead, a life that has to be planned. To postphone and cancel one night is ok, because I can use the extra time to watch a movie or whatever. However, 2 nights in a row is a pattern. If I never know if you are there or not, I just a well plan as if you are not there at all, and you will have to take the scraps. That put quite a bit of shock in him, and although sometimes we mess up or are too tired for Skype, we never had any problems with disrespect or repeated stood ups after that. I guess what I try to say is... Your relationship is new, and it will take some time to adjust to being in each other's life. Make sure it is ok for both of you to give a notice, and to talk things over if they don't work out. Also, I think your problem may in part be that you skype only once a week, meaning that if you miss a single date, that means a whole of 2 weeks in between, and if you miss it twice in a row, almost a moth goes by without Skype. If you plan a little more dates, not every one of those become so emmensely important. On the ther hand, if you have few dates and you plan them, you have no other option than to stick to it like it was a meeting at work, unless it all slides.

[gvitesse]

Thanks for sharing your story!
I understood I should be more open with her and give her a heads-up. Also, we aren't in a relationship yet.
Yes, we skype only once a week..I don't know if it's too less or should I try to skype more often? for a few weeks, I can only skype once a week as I'm busy.
But we text each other everyday.
I'll make sure I don't ever do that again!

[gvitesse]

That is of course true!!
I however found that people are more likely to do these things online, and brush people off easier because they are "not really there" and it's not so visible that they maybe took their time to be there, even maybe cancelled other things. I ofc can't know if this is the case here, but what you certainly don't do is run out on people and tell them to be right back and then leave them there for hours. that's just a pretty rude thing to do, and the kind of disrespect that can be really hurtful to the other person.

That being said I don't think it makes you bad person or that you should be obliged to spend every free moment talking to her. Juts be a bit more considerate Good luck to you both.

PS: also when I wrote that she probably deserves better I didnt necesarily mean a better person just better treatment!

Thanks for clearing that up. I actually thought you meant she deserves someone else. I really like her but at times, I just wanna carry on with my things. I always enjoyed being free..you know, when you're not in a relationship and I'm trying to change now.

[gvitesse]

Also, I want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond! You guys rock