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**squeeker** · October 5, 2014, 01:48 AM

Hi! Both my SO and I are introverts too.. and struggle with anxiety. We aren't identical in how we struggle though with these things.. I think relationships can go through phases. Sometimes there might not be as much romantic things but that isn't a bad thing.. maybe he is busy with work or other things, maybe he's not sure what to do because he doesn't want to feel like he's repeating himself and has run out of ideas for the present.. maybe he's trying to save up or plan for something bigger... could be a lot of things. I think you should try and talk to him and ask him what his reasons are.. and go with that.

I know with little gifts and romantic gifts and letters, its more of a thing that I do for him but he doesn't do for me as often because I'm just more sentimental and stuff whereas he is more practical and would rather send me a really good kitchen appliance which he knows I'll love because I love cooking. :P He probably did more romantic sentimental things in the beginning but still does things nowadays that remind me how he loves me. Although we have gone through a few bumps lately because of the gruesome length between visits (we are going to do our best to never have to go over a year between visits again, too difficult for us! haha). But alls good.. just patience and understanding and trying to listen and understand the reasons the other person gives! Try to remind yourself why you love him. It's okay to have silences when you are together, not every moment has to be filled with chatter. Sometimes those silent moments are awesome.. just having that person that you are so comfortable with you don't have to feel nervous if you don't have anything to say.

Though it's understandable that you are nervous because it's a new relationship so you don't quite know how each other works things out yet.. just keep patience as you discover how you both work together.

**differentcountries** · October 5, 2014, 03:42 AM

You are only a couple of months in... Most are extra something in the beginning, then go over to another mood. Perhaps you can spend a week or more together to get more of the every day feel, for instance if you meet more selsom perhaps you can save up days. Being quiet together can be nice, apart from that I am sure you have hobbies or similar to talk about.

**butterfly712** · October 5, 2014, 10:07 AM

Hi my bf and me are both introverts also,and he's not romantic either,but I know that he loves me,and cares about me,and that's all that really matters to me,I love him so much,and care about him so much,I would say to just try to get him to talk to you,and open up with you.

**rhabdoviridae** · October 5, 2014, 11:10 AM

On the one hand, I think it's to be expected that the lovey-dovey stuff tapers off; sometimes it lasts longer than two months but not always. It may be that he feels secure enough in the relationship that he doesn't feel the need to tell you all that sweet stuff. It may be that something came up making him stressed or busy. It may be that he isn't sure if he wants to keep going with the relationship and is withdrawing a bit.

That all being said, it's not fair of him to dismiss your concerns as over-reacting. A relationship is about two people and he needs to respect that you're feeling unsure about things right now. Sure, you don't want to bring it up so frequently that it's all you ever talk about, but he needs to take the time to discuss these feelings, even briefly. Introversion is not a free pass to not have to communicate with your partner, but if he's willing to work on his communicating skills it's a good sign.

**TampaLove** · October 5, 2014, 09:55 PM

We just got into it via text.

Not only are his parents and son there this weekend, his sister and her boyfriend have come to visit from another state for a long weekend. That means five adults and an 11 year old boy all crammed up into a 900 sq ft 2 bedroom house. He's irritated beyond belief, and I get that. (But he's the one allowing it to continue, which is the most maddening thing!)

Like I said before, sexual comments and pictures have always been a big part of our relationship. Those never went away when the sweet stuff did.

So, I feel like we've barely texted much over the last 4 days. Wednesday night he went out with coworkers to a sports bar to watch the game, which actually surprised me because he never goes out. He really doesn't have any friends (as an introvert like me, I rarely go out anywhere with people either). Then Thursday night he was busy doing some bathroom repairs. Then his sister arrived Friday. So we've barely texted much.

I got a text a little while ago that said,"Wanna F***?", implying that he wanted to dirty talk a bit. Well, I was so irritated that I just flat out said,"No, because you have given me no incentive to want to keep playing with you. You haven't said a sweet word to me or made me feel loved/cared about for a while now. So no, I have no desire to f*** because it seems like f***ing is all you want anymore."

And do you know what he said?

"Okey dokey."

Steam started pouring out of my ears.

I said, "Wow, seriously? I'm upset, and that's all you can say?"

He said," Right now, yeah. I'm kinda shut down."

OK, I get it. You're irritated and cranky as hell because your family is invading your space and you slept in the freezing unfinished attic last night. But, REALLY? So I just let him have it.

"Apparently "I love you" must have been a misunderstanding, because this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've done everything I can to show you I care, and you can't even talk to me because you're "shut down"? What happened to all the bullshit you told me about "we're in it together and will deal with the bad stuff as an US"?" And I attached a screenshot of a text conversation we had once that said how we would deal with our "f*** the world" days together from now on.

He says,"Cool...irritate me a little more. I'm not quite mental yet, thanks!"

At this point, I'm over it. So I leave it at this:

I've been trying to not let it bother me because I know you're irritated with the living situation. And I'm irritated with it too, because I can't even come to your f***ing house! But just because you're irritated with that situation shouldn't mean that your actions make me question whether you still even want me. It shouldn't have anything to do with it. You can talk sex all day long, but I ask for a little sweetness from you in return, and I get nothing. You've completely changed since we got back from the falls, and I don't know where to go with that. Do you even still care and want to be with me? Because if not, I won't hold you to it. You yourself have said several times that communication is the most important thing, and when I try, you "shut down". What else am I supposed to think? I want to be with you, but not if you're going to turn into a prick out of nowhere.

We're both stressed. You've got the parent thing, and I've got the house thing and the job thing. But the US thing is supposed to be the safe cocoon that takes us away from all that. We shouldn't be fighting because your parents are taking advantage of your generosity.

I'm going to suggest you take a couple of days and figure out what you want, and then come back when you're ready to communicate with me. I do love you, but this isn't fair, and it's not how it's going to be. If I don't hear from you by Wednesday, I guess I'll have my answer. But I'd prefer actually talking this out like adults. Again, I do love you and want to work this out. And I guess that's all I have to say. Goodnight."

And he never said anything.

This is NOT the kind of relationship I want to be in. He convinced me quickly to be "all in", because he was, and now I'm regretting falling so hard and so fast.

**squeeker** · October 6, 2014, 01:35 AM

Aww dear... that doesn't sound good at all. Reading your latest post I see why you are upset even more.. if he doesn't say much and then all of a sudden wants to talk dirty. I would have trouble with that too... hopefully your message sends the right message to his brain that he will step up his game and realize what he is doing is pushing you away. Hang in there, I hope things turn out good.

If he messages you back willing to try and better himself, great! If not.. well at least you know now...

**TampaLove** · October 6, 2014, 07:58 AM

He's ignoring the big pink elephant in the room. Earlier yesterday, he had texted me about how crappy the weather was going to be this week, and I sent him a picture of a beach with the words "let's go somewhere" on it.

This morning he sent me a picture of a Hawaii map and said,"I'll be here when you wake. Just look for the pale guy with no pants on."

I'm noticing that this is what he does. He slides out of questions he doesn't want to answer or topics he doesn't want to discuss.

I think I'm not going to answer it. I'm going to make him take the day or two and think, and force him to deal with it.

I'm the first relationship he's had in 5 years, and I think he doesn't remember that it takes two to make it work.

**silvermoonfairy3** · October 6, 2014, 08:49 AM

Honestly, it kinda sounds like you're just not compatible.

It's 2ish months in, with this many issues. 2 months is still learning-each-other territory, where you're dating in part to check compatibility. And it sounds like learning each other isn't going well.

**JaneEmily** · October 6, 2014, 08:51 AM

I think your second to last post sort of escalated quickly with the situation. Yes, you're frustrated but you pretty much gave him the firing squad - and just used accusatives. Communication IS important, but the way you communicated how you felt - you pretty much exploded on him. I too am an introvert, and when people explode their feelings like that on me - I back off. I shut down, heck I completely go silent and just walk away from whoever or whatever it is that caused me to feel like that. It's not a thing he can help - I hate it when people start firing off every thing that is wrong that I've been doing: it makes me feel shitty and like they aren't appreciative of how hard the situation is regardless of how much he is trying to keep you happy AND his family, it probably just seemed to him like you were telling him off like a little boy (which he probably gets enough of in his own home with his parents?).

I got a text a little while ago that said,"Wanna F***?", implying that he wanted to dirty talk a bit. Well, I was so irritated that I just flat out said,"No, because you have given me no incentive to want to keep playing with you. You haven't said a sweet word to me or made me feel loved/cared about for a while now. So no, I have no desire to f*** because it seems like f***ing is all you want anymore."

And do you know what he said?

"Okey dokey."

Steam started pouring out of my ears.

I said, "Wow, seriously? I'm upset, and that's all you can say?"

He said," Right now, yeah. I'm kinda shut down."

OK, I get it. You're irritated and cranky as hell because your family is invading your space and you slept in the freezing unfinished attic last night. But, REALLY? So I just let him have it.

"Apparently "I love you" must have been a misunderstanding, because this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've done everything I can to show you I care, and you can't even talk to me because you're "shut down"? What happened to all the bullshit you told me about "we're in it together and will deal with the bad stuff as an US"?" And I attached a screenshot of a text conversation we had once that said how we would deal with our "f*** the world" days together from now on.

He says,"Cool...irritate me a little more. I'm not quite mental yet, thanks!"

At this point, I'm over it. So I leave it at this:

I've been trying to not let it bother me because I know you're irritated with the living situation. And I'm irritated with it too, because I can't even come to your f***ing house! But just because you're irritated with that situation shouldn't mean that your actions make me question whether you still even want me. It shouldn't have anything to do with it. You can talk sex all day long, but I ask for a little sweetness from you in return, and I get nothing. You've completely changed since we got back from the falls, and I don't know where to go with that. Do you even still care and want to be with me? Because if not, I won't hold you to it. You yourself have said several times that communication is the most important thing, and when I try, you "shut down". What else am I supposed to think? I want to be with you, but not if you're going to turn into a prick out of nowhere.

If I were you, I'd re-take a different approach. Instead of just run him down with a list of "you're not doing this, you're not doing that."
You probably feel like it's good for you to get it off your chest, but you need to look at it in both angles to get a positive outcome of the situation. You need to learn how to use "I feel" statements more often if you're going to have any productive discussions regarding the situations you're both dealing with. Instead you approached it with hostility and anger. The honeymoon phase may have gone, but that doesn't mean the affection isn't there. The honeymoon phase has been gone for me and my SO for years, but we've gone through a lot together - by considering both parties and looking at it objectively without ourselves in the equation.

Take for example: when my SO's parents literally hounded on him at every moment during the time when he got laid off for work last year and finding a job was tough, I was frustrated and pissed off numerous times that they didn't understand how hard he tried when there was literally no jobs going in his city. I held my tongue in regards to them, I didn't make the situation more difficult by accusing him of not doing enough to get them off his back. Instead I would approach it in a sense that would make him feel better about it, whilst letting him know that they couldn't keep treating him how they did and letting him know that I've got his back and I don't blame him for the situation. I used terms and phrases such as "I feel like they aren't appreciating how hard you're trying to get a job, honey. Do you think you might need to sit down and talk with them to solve the situation and get rid of the tension?" and he'd respond with "Yeah, I do. I just don't know how to say it without them bitching." so I would sit there and think how I would deal with it and then use those thoughts as feedback to my SO. "Well, do you feel like taking this approach of *insert idea* and calmly letting them know that you can handle this situation without them harassing you every five seconds would be more productive and more motivational than them asking you every second if you've applied for a job?" "Yeah I would, I'll give it a go." so then a few days after that, he found the courage to speak up and let them know that he wasn't happy with them always being on his back about the smallest things.

You don't need to always yell in people's faces and to be blunt with them to get them to understand that you're tired of their situation too. It really helps them feel comforted that there's not another person who they care about hounding them about it and making them feel bad about it. Sure, he needs to work on bringing back the affection into your relationship. All relationships have dry spells, but perhaps his way of asking to "f***" was him hinting at his version of being affectionate. You have to remember, guys aren't wired like us females. We crave the small little love notes, the gazing into eyes, little small touches, gifts and teddy-bear kind of affections where in a guy's head, affection might be defined differently. And like you said, you're his first relationship in 5 years - it's pretty damn difficult to get back into the swing of how a relationship works and what feels right/wrong when you've been out of one for so long. Just because the cute little things aren't there right now, doesn't mean they won't come back. A good way to spark that back up is using LFAD's idea of a letter every month. A set day to tell each other, hand-written and with enough time to think and tell how you feel. It'd be good for you both to do that, rather than one who does all the affection given and expecting whilst the other is feeling like they aren't good enough.

Just my two pence

**TampaLove** · October 6, 2014, 09:12 AM

This was actually the third time I've brought it up, and the first two times were like you suggested, nice and helpful and "I feel" statements, and even tried the funny route, and it all fell on deaf ears. He knows I have abandonment issues stemming from past relationships, and that I do need reassurance with little things that he still cares. I still send and do sweet things for him (last week I ordered a pizza and had it delivered to his house on our 2 month anniversary because he was working in the kitchen putting down tile and I knew he hadn't had lunch). I've offered gentle solutions and helpful comments to his parents situation, and he just says they're his parents and it is what it is.

My frustration just hit the roof this time.

**differentcountries** · October 6, 2014, 11:26 AM

If his solution to the crammed house is to wait until it is over, those are his dections. Prepare to hold your opinions to yourself for a while and then later in the relationship comes the time when your patience earns you the right to voice your opinion, when you know both him and his family better. People are different. I would be thrilled if SO thought enough of me in the middle of a family gathering to want to do something erotic online for half an hour, especially if we had not been that mentally close for a while, I guess our relationship is a bit gender roles reversed. My point is, don't take it as bad that he is attracted to you, he probably does not mean to insult you. Remember too that after 2 months you can't expect him to fully know what your likes and dislikes are, what turns you on or makes you loose interest. This is the time when you teach him just that, prefferably in a gentle manner that encourages him to get to know you and ensures him that you are really curious about him, too. Likes and dislikes might also change over time, I have been with SO a year and I can't say I fully know him as of yet. Also, and this is actually my SOs advice, if you start to feel like he is doing less of the romantic stuff you want from him and you feel the lack of that (and are not in the oh-how-fun-it-is-to-surprise-my-boyfriend-even-if-he-doesn't-do-it-back-phase anymore) - back off. Don't always feed it to him. Give him space and see what he comes up with.

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Two introverts, communication, being romantic...Not sure if this is going to work

Two introverts, communication, being romantic...Not sure if this is going to work

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