Just began long distance

[Ljade]

Hi everyone
This is my first ever post, don't really have anywhere else to say this! Here goes: ok I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years, engaged for six months, and he has very recently gone abroad to work while I do my my masters degree. We have an amazing relationship, but he seems to have changed since he has left. He has been hanging out with two girls from work who I have met and are lovely. They are all studying french together and eat out together every night afterwards, tonight they all had a takeaway at his place. I have no problem with this really apart from thinking it excessive to go out every night. Tonight had an awful argument. He's announced that this weekend he's going away with them to a place I have always wanted to go to and he's always promised to take me, when he had the money. He couldn't understand my problem with this and said it was better than him staying at home alone. This is amongst other trips he has planned with them both. He totally blew up when I got upset (more from point of view that he always said he couldn't afford to go, now he's going with others). He said our relationship is too intense and that he's enjoying being alone. He was the one who proposed to me, so I don't quite understand where he's coming from there. It went on to him saying he didn't want to be together as I won't be able to cope long distance if I don't want him to have a life, and now he won't speak to me.
Sorry about the rambling, had to get it all out! Is this normal for the start of a long distance relationship? Am I being selfish that I am jealous he is planning this trip with the other girls?

[differentcountries]

I agree with you that it is not nice of him to take his friends (that you even seem a bit jealous of) to a place where he originally promised to take you in the future. If he goes by them, at least what he can do, is use the trip as reseach, so the when you eventually go there, he will already know the best places to take you and so it can add to the romance. That being said, he might not be aware of that you understoof it is that you should be taken there first, exclusively or whatever. To his mind, perhaps all that was being said was perhaps the two of you might hang out there sometimes.

If you don't mind me saying, he sounds a bit lonely. you say the girls are lovely, perhaps they take the edge of being away from home and away from you.

Him doing things with others is something you must simply get used to, many of us struggle with this. Just recently I felt bad because he Skyped with me perhaps half an hour and then he went back to his guest. I would have preffered to be there, too. This kind of jealousy or envy is not uncommon.

He is right, of sorts. Long distance, it is very important that both parties have their own life, in addition to each other. I think you should apologize to him and give him more space. However, it is not nice of him to react in an agressive manner and threaten to end the relationship. He is lonely, but I bet so are you. Tell him that you wish for the both of you to make some changes so that the long distance can be easier to bear. Perhaps get into somd kind of route with Skype, phone apps, sending each other letters and things like that. It sounds to me like he needs to adjust where he is, and it sounds to me too that you need some kind of confirmation that he still holds you in high regards. You are not selfish, but unless he has given you reason to distrust him, don't act like he is doing you harm. Find out what happend in the communication about you taking the trip together.

Let the other girls go. If he is not into them, he is not into them.

[butterfly712]

I agree with you that it is not nice of him to take his friends (that you even seem a bit jealous of) to a place where he originally promised to take you in the future. If he goes by them, at least what he can do, is use the trip as reseach, so the when you eventually go there, he will already know the best places to take you and so it can add to the romance. That being said, he might not be aware of that you understoof it is that you should be taken there first, exclusively or whatever. To his mind, perhaps all that was being said was perhaps the two of you might hang out there sometimes.

If you don't mind me saying, he sounds a bit lonely. you say the girls are lovely, perhaps they take the edge of being away from home and away from you.

Him doing things with others is something you must simply get used to, many of us struggle with this. Just recently I felt bad because he Skyped with me perhaps half an hour and then he went back to his guest. I would have preffered to be there, too. This kind of jealousy or envy is not uncommon.

He is right, of sorts. Long distance, it is very important that both parties have their own life, in addition to each other. I think you should apologize to him and give him more space. However, it is not nice of him to react in an agressive manner and threaten to end the relationship. He is lonely, but I bet so are you. Tell him that you wish for the both of you to make some changes so that the long distance can be easier to bear. Perhaps get into somd kind of route with Skype, phone apps, sending each other letters and things like that. It sounds to me like he needs to adjust where he is, and it sounds to me too that you need some kind of confirmation that he still holds you in high regards. You are not selfish, but unless he has given you reason to distrust him, don't act like he is doing you harm. Find out what happend in the communication about you taking the trip together.

Let the other girls go. If he is not into them, he is not into them.

I agree,both you and your bf need to have a life of your own,with that being said you need to learn how to trust him,and let him be with his friends,I know how hard it is,but it's just something that you have to do in a long distance relationship,and any relationship for that matter,trust is everything,if you don't have trust,then you don't have anything.

[Redheart14]

I think you both need to give yourselves space to adjust to being long distance. Jealousy only applifies things, so as hard as it is, you just need to try not let it get to you. Let him know that you trust him, it'll help a lot. I can understand you're disappointed about going somewhere he said he'd take you with someone else. But at the end of the day the only person we can control in ourselves.

[rhabdoviridae]

He said our relationship is too intense and that he's enjoying being alone. [...] It went on to him saying he didn't want to be together as I won't be able to cope long distance if I don't want him to have a life, and now he won't speak to me. [...]Is this normal for the start of a long distance relationship?

Erm, it sounds as though he's dumped you :\

I'm the one who went abroad in my relationship and I can say that it opens your eyes unexpectedly and changes you as a person, even if it is just a subtle change. It's possible that being abroad has changed him to the point that he no longer feels compatible with you; just because he was the one to propose doesn't mean he can't be the one to change his mind. It's also possible that the romance surrounding traveling abroad has encouraged him to develop feelings for one of these girls. That may subside over time or when he comes back, or it may not. Either way, I would ask him to clarify his position on your relationship, as his words and behavior indicate that he considers himself no longer in the relationship.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Unfortunately I agree with Rhab, it doesn't sound good.. I second the advice to clarify with him if things are done, because it does sound a bit like he's breaking things off with you.

Even if he's not, his behavior isn't very fair to you, and getting so pissed over it isn't respectful of your feelings. It could be partly him having a reaction to homesickness or culture shock (different people experience it differently, but sometimes anger/irritation over small things is a symptom) but that doesn't mean that you're in the wrong. I would also be kind of upset if a partner was taking two girls somewhere we'd always talked about going, etc.

Not speaking to you is also kind of immature, depending on how long that's been happening. Taking a day or two to cool off is one thing, but if it's anything more than that, it's a warning sign, IMO.

Your inclination is probably to try to get in touch, tell him you're sorry, etc. and basically let yourself be wrong to 'fix' the situation, but I'd actually suggest not doing that. I think you should hold your ground on this bothering you, possibly let him know that his reaction is unacceptable as disrespectful to your feelings.

But, be warned, it sounds like any way this goes from here has the potential to end in a breakup, if it hasn't already for him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's just the impression I get from his words about liking being alone and not wanting to be together.