Changing schedule to make time to talk to SO

[Aussieabroad]

Hey all,
So last night I left my friend's birthday a bit early so that I could talk to my SO before he went out for the night. Instead of feeling special that I did that for him, he kinda told me off for leaving my friend's party for him. Now I feel really hurt and spiteful because I thought he would wanna talk to me as much as I do him.

I kind of always mould my schedule around him. As in, I go to gym before work instead of after work so we can chat and very occasionally stay in on Saturday night coz I would rather talk to him than be groped by random men in bars. Except now I'm really hurt and want to especially go out and do my thing all the time so he can see how much effort I've been putting in to make time for him.

What do you guys think? How do you normally handle it?

[squeeker]

Well from YOUR (OP) initial post.. and trying to decide why he would be upset that you left the party early for him.. my only conclusion could be (though I could be totally wrong obviously cause I don't know him or you).. but maybe he didn't like the sudden change to the schedule. Like, he was planning that you were going to be away at your friend's birthday the whole night so he made arrangements.. to hang out with a friend or watch a movie or play video games or something else.. so it threw him off. Maybe in the future you could let him know before the birthday party that you will try to get off early (and state the time) and how likely it will be for you to get off early? Or ask him why he felt that way.

I know I get a bit snippy at my boyfriend if he stays up really late to talk to me, but only really the first night in awhile that he stays up that late, because this happens in the summer when we can talk all day, and I put off things to do when he's asleep . But then I get grouchy because I start to feel stressed that I haven't done the things yet but I don't want to ask him to go off skype and go to sleep because I hate coming off as controlling or bossy.

So my advice to you would be is that it is a good thing to adjust your schedule to times that are good to talk to your SO.. but also talk to you SO about what times are good for you to talk.. and don't get upset if he can't talk when you have made time.. and don't stop doing something you want to do in order to skype with him if you will regret it.

What you could do.. if you want to leave your friend's birthday early anyway, because parties can be exhausting sometimes.. then you go home and tell your SO you came online and you can talk if he is able to. But if he isn't because he made plans because you had made plans.. and then you can have a nice quiet night watch a film or read a book. Communication is important, so try to find out why he is thinking the way he is so you can come up with the most understanding plan that won't be a spiteful passive aggressive way of just not making time for him at all.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Except now I'm really hurt and want to especially go out and do my thing all the time so he can see how much effort I've been putting in to make time for him.
What do you guys think? How do you normally handle it?

Okay, so, definitely don't do that, because it's game-playing to get back at him. Not healthy.

As for molding schedule around his time, I think to an extent that happens with anyone in long distance relationships. It comes with the territory. There's nothing wrong with, for example, skipping going out to the bar to spend a Saturday date night with him. Going to the gym before work instead of after also isn't a big deal, if that's something you're fine with doing.

But it does sound like you could be going a bit too far the other way when it involves friends/other social stuff. Leaving a friend's party early is a little much, in my opinion. (And I wouldn't be pysched about it as the friend, either.. like doing stuff with your friends/having a life outside of him is just something you hurry through so you can get back to time with him. It makes it seem like your friends aren't really very important to you.)

So, as to how I'd suggest handling it.. I'd say make sure you're having a life outside of him. Some changing your schedule is expected. Changing *everything* is not.
It's not the end of the world if you have plans now and then that mean you're not home before he goes out. I'm the kind of person who likes to know if I can expect to not see my partner online, so we're usually communicative about our plans. I might say "I'm going to Suzy's party tomorrow night, it might go kinda late. If I'm not home before you leave, have a great night. I'll text you a goodnight when I get home."

I don't think it's that he wasn't excited to talk to you, but he probably felt like he pulled you away from friends/felt guilty that you left the party specifically because of him, specifically to cater to his schedule. In my opinion, it could be a good thing, because he doesn't expect you to drop everything and run to be there to talk before he goes somewhere.

2 cents.

[Aussieabroad]

Okay, so, definitely don't do that, because it's game-playing to get back at him. Not healthy.

As for molding schedule around his time, I think to an extent that happens with anyone in long distance relationships. It comes with the territory. There's nothing wrong with, for example, skipping going out to the bar to spend a Saturday date night with him. Going to the gym before work instead of after also isn't a big deal, if that's something you're fine with doing.

But it does sound like you could be going a bit too far the other way when it involves friends/other social stuff. Leaving a friend's party early is a little much, in my opinion. (And I wouldn't be pysched about it as the friend, either.. like doing stuff with your friends/having a life outside of him is just something you hurry through so you can get back to time with him. It makes it seem like your friends aren't really very important to you.)

So, as to how I'd suggest handling it.. I'd say make sure you're having a life outside of him. Some changing your schedule is expected. Changing *everything* is not.
It's not the end of the world if you have plans now and then that mean you're not home before he goes out. I'm the kind of person who likes to know if I can expect to not see my partner online, so we're usually communicative about our plans. I might say "I'm going to Suzy's party tomorrow night, it might go kinda late. If I'm not home before you leave, have a great night. I'll text you a goodnight when I get home."

I don't think it's that he wasn't excited to talk to you, but he probably felt like he pulled you away from friends/felt guilty that you left the party specifically because of him, specifically to cater to his schedule. In my opinion, it could be a good thing, because he doesn't expect you to drop everything and run to be there to talk before he goes somewhere.

2 cents.

You're very much correct. However the issue is that these particular friends are 'up for a good time', in other words, dudes who go out to get trashed and pick up chicks, so I kinda just wanted to leave before they got really drunk and it became a hook up endeavor. Looking back on it, I should have stayed an hour or two longer, because it was still a nice hangout at that point and I was jumping to conclusions. Luckily for me these are my brother's friends that I grew up with, so I texted them that I will make it up to them tonight

[Petals]

Hey all,

Except now I'm really hurt and want to especially go out and do my thing all the time so he can see how much effort I've been putting in to make time for him.

What do you guys think? How do you normally handle it?

Hi there,

I understand that you feel disappointed that your efforts were not received in the way you wanted, but being spiteful will not benefit your relationship. You make sacrifices because the relationship is important to you and you want to strengthen the relationship. Continue to do things that are in the best interest of the relationship and of course best for you.

Think about it for a moment - if he decides to be spiteful when he feels wronged or both of you choose not to prioritize the relationship, the relationship will be ruined.


Maybe he was a bit insensitive in how he expressed his thoughts, but it's not that big of deal in the grand scheme of things. Have a talk about how it made you feel and move on. I think he was trying to say that you should live a full life even while you are a part. He probably doesn't want an imbalance where you feel like you are putting more effort in when he chooses to go out and enjoy himself.

Let it go...love does not keep score, play games nor is spiteful.

[Aussieabroad]

Let it go...love does not keep score, play games nor is spiteful.

That really resonated with me, thank you. I think I'm going to try and live my life more here. Maybe not put in so much effort to make time for him. Not in a spiteful way, but more in a 'being present in my life' way. Not sacrificing plans here and such.

[rhabdoviridae]

I think I'm going to try and live my life more here. Maybe not put in so much effort to make time for him. Not in a spiteful way, but more in a 'being present in my life' way. Not sacrificing plans here and such.

I think that's a great approach. So many of us miss our SOs to the point that we mope around and don't do anything, which makes us feel more lonely and depressed. Making a life for yourself and enjoying it are so much healthier. Good for you

[Petals]

That really resonated with me, thank you. I think I'm going to try and live my life more here. Maybe not put in so much effort to make time for him. Not in a spiteful way, but more in a 'being present in my life' way. Not sacrificing plans here and such.

Glad I could help

You will be even more attractive to him when he realizes that you have a full life. Somehow, many men seem to find a woman who is independent and happy on her own more attractive than one who is clingy and does not have a life of her own. Make time for your SO but do take every opportunity possible to enjoy the NOW even as he is not with you physically.

All the best

[Aussieabroad]

Glad I could help

You will be even more attractive to him when he realizes that you have a full life. Somehow, many men seem to find a woman who is independent and happy on her own more attractive than one who is clingy and does not have a life of her own. Make time for your SO but do take every opportunity possible to enjoy the NOW even as he is not with you physically.

All the best

You're right! He always says his fave thing about me is that I'm independent and driven (I;m Australian and moved to NY and took a shot at getting a big time job, and I got it ) Gotta remember who I am. Thanks!

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I know that this has been settled but I thought that I would add something for you to think about if anything like that happens again:

He could have felt bad that you changed your plans and left early for him. He could feel as if he is an inconvenience or that he is hindering your life.

I only say it because I actually had similar happen once. And when he explained why he was upset I understood.